Wednesday, December 31, 2008
#1 - Yo, you see the prime minister dude from Israel on TV?
#2 - Nah...what'd he say?
#1 - He was all like, "You guys started this shit...we got more ammo, we got more people...we gonna finish it.
#2 - Fo' real?
#1 - Yeah, Israel's totally gangsta.
#2 - Word...I don't know why those other countries mess with them...they jus' gonna get phucked up.
#1 - Word... they don't even deal with terrorists holding hostages. They just let them die.
#2 - Gangsta...totally gangsta.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Since the place was lit from the front of the room, the comics' faces were shadowed but the audience was clearly visible.
I felt like I was in the witness protection program.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
"Congrats," I said, "You just invented Blockbuster."
Friday, December 26, 2008
For example, the lights in the bathroom of my wife's workplace are motion sensitive. This sounds reasonable until I tell you that they are on a five minute timer AND it only registers motion outside the stalls.
So, if yer in a stall for more than five minutes, you have to open the door and flail about to get the lights back on.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
"What do you want me to do?!?"
"I couldn't make it to the bathroom!"
"You could at least clean the floor!"
"I thought I got it all...I thought it only got on my shoes!"
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Tell him /her that your favorite chocolate is "white chocolate."
Faster than you can say, "I know, it's not really chocolate," they'll let you know in uncertain terms that white chocolate isn't chocolate at all.
Then tell them that you don't care cause as far as you're concerned, white chocolate is like vanilla, butter, and Heidi Klum had a threesome.
When you see steam coming out of their ears, tell them you are kidding. And that your favorite chocolate is actually that which is made by Russell Stover.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Growing up, we weren't allowed to have a washer/dryer in our apartment. But we got one anyway. Problem was when something in our apartment needed fixing and maintenance had to come over, we had to somehow hide it. So, mom would wheel the combo in front of our couch, throw a cloth over them, and pretend it was a coffee table, never mind that this coffee table was well higher than the sofa, so high, that you woulda had to crane your neck to watch the TV.
The maintenance guys never said anything, not cause they didn't notice, I mean, how couldn't they?* I'm sure it was more cause like everyone, they prolly hated their bosses, so by letting us stick it to them, so were they. Besides, we didn't tell when they smelled like alcohol.
* I woulda loved to have heard, "Ma'am, I think your coffee table has just entered the spin cycle."
Friday, December 19, 2008
I've seen three "comics" at open mics over the past few weeks make some sort of "The Jews are to blame for the economy" jokes (without any kind of punchline, natch'). Unfortunately, every time I've heard it, I already had my stage time, so I sat in silence. I didn't walk out as I firmly believe everyone who spends their five bucks has a right to say whatever he/she wants and besides, I'm always curious how the other comics in the crowd respond (usually with silence, mixed with nervous laughter)
If I were to go up after one of those rants, I'd bring up how bizarre it is that no one was praising the Jews during the boom times... I don't think I've ever heard anyone say, "Man, thank God for the Jews... this economy is awesome!" - and if yer gonna say that YOU didn't profit during the economic expansion, maybe it's time to look in the freakin' mirror and see that maybe it aint the Jews but yourself.
Before anyone tells me, "sure, you think that, you're a jew who walks into open mics in a suit, probably with some wall street job," lemmee tell ya...you're right. I am and i do...I also grew up on welfare in a single-parent home, lived with my mom and bro in a one-bedroom apartment till I was about 20, and went to the closest college to my mom's apartment cause I couldn't afford a car.
So spew all ya want, you paid yer money, but if yer wondering why I'm looking at you like you're a loser, well, now you know.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
A weekend getaway to... (hold for it)...
For those of you not familiar with NY, Tarrytown is in Westchester, NY - not twenty miles from Manhattan (where I live).
Not only that, but it's in a Sheraton - awesome.
Our plan is to take the train there, check in, rent a car, and drive to Manhattan to have fun.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
"I'm a comedian. Maybe you've seen me at a club."
"Maybe...I'm not sure if it's the bump on your head or your poorly shaven face, but you definitely have a look."
"I work for CBS...would you like a sitcom?"
Monday, December 15, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I think the spot is more realistic is played in reverse, with them sneaking into worse seats.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
- One of the vendors was eagerly selling Rubik's Cube solutions as a holiday gift - I checked my watch to make sure I was still in 2008.
- Speaking of, everyone tried to sell their wares as the perfect holiday gift. Based on his offerings, I assume one vendor thought everyone had Marxist friends who'd be interested in the coming rise (re-rise?) of the Soviet Empire.
- Another was selling sonnets, most of which had to do with old tv show, Hawaii Five-0. I told the guy he mighta had a sale if only he had a thing for Barnaby Jones.
- Several of the exhibitors had a tray of candy to welcome visitors. I always felt guilty taking anything when I knew I wasn't gonna buy anything. Except at the table that had mini Raspberry Three Musketeers. Unlike their seventeen books about 9/11 conspiracy theories, I couldn't be expected to pass up that deliciousness.
- I did feel kinda bad passing by everyone's table, without buying (we did buy two books - viva small presses!), but one was particularly tough.
I recognized a book I had bought at this fair two or three years ago - when I mentioned it to the author, he said, "Great! Here's the sequel!"
I responded, "Yeah, I see," took a quick look at it, smiled, and walked away.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Someone in the audience asked, "What's the difference between a memoir and a creative memoir?"
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
When he inspected our bathroom, he noticed water on the floor next to the shower.
"I don't think it's the toilet, I think it's this water leaking into the tiles. Can you guys just make sure the shower curtain is closed when taking a shower?"
We bought a vinyl liner last night. Of course, it's too long, so now I have to worry about tripping on it, but I figure, I need a good end for this trilogy.
Monday, November 24, 2008
This year, we've already bought the bus tickets...we're going.
"Spruce Lake Retreat - Pointing People Toward Christ"...Here we come (on Friday)!
Here's my beef this season (which doesn't include the stuff I complained about last year, but still bugs me) - Except for one, all of the teams are unlikeable.
I dont get why the producers do that - we all know they can edit it so every team can appear to be jerks or saints. So, why not give us more than the mom and son team to root for?
Granted, they may be thinking that the "hero underdogs" is a good storyline but I dislike watching a show where I'm rooting for almost everyone to lose.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
There are two kinds of heckler's - the kind that think they are helping the show and the kind that are just out to disrupt the show. The interesting thing about the dude from last night was that he started out as the former, but due to the comic's poor ability in dealing with him, soon became the latter.
At the beginning of his set, the comic was talking to an audience member when the heckler made a comment, somewhat rude, but also borderline funny. I would've just acknowledged it and moved on, hoping the heckler quit. But the comic didn't. He shot an insult back. Before you can say "This set is toast," the comic and heckler were just trading insults...not even trying to be funny, just "You're a d**k" and "How'd you like it if I kicked your a**?" kinda stuff.
As a comic, I know that before you just start throwing out insults (without punchlines) you better have the audience behind you. He didn't.
The comic never really got into any kind of rhythm. The awkwardness permeated the rest of his set, which was pretty much DOA.
Friday, November 21, 2008
How can that be? Wouldn't that be like turpentine that doesn't remove paint, or paper towels that don't absorb anything?
Repelling water is the only thing I ask out of a shower curtain! Okay, Josie also wants it to be pretty. And it is....
She wins again.
1 - She's about to rant about something and
2 - She's not just curious.
Case in point -
A couple of weeks ago we were having lunch together when she asked, "I'm just curious*, did you or Josie buy my birthday card?"
btw - her birthday was months ago - this (whatever "this" will be) had apparently been eating at her for awhile.
"Um, I don't remember...why?" I did remember. We were late so we just used one that we had lying around.
"No, I'm just asking...'cause it wasn't the normal kind of card you get for me."
"Well, I don't remember."
"Here, let me show you." She pulled it out of her bag. She'd been carrying it around for three months. "Usually, you get me cards with sayings, this one doesn't even say "Mom" on it."
"Okay, well, I don't really remember where I got it."
"Next year, you buy a card."
"So, how's your turkey?"
* cue my Spidey senses.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
I was at the Internet cafe in the resort getting coffee. While the barista was making my coffee, the squat, middle-aged, Midwestern woman behind me struck up a conversation with her.
"Where is Marisol today?"She asked, way too upbeat for 7:30 A.M.
"Marisol is off today."
"Ohh, well, good for her! Day's off are good!" God help me.
After I got my coffee, the woman ordered. I stuck around to put the top on it. Seeing me struggle, the worker asked if I needed help.
"Nah, I got it."
"Oooo, stubborn!" replied Ms. Midwest, while looking at the sales girl.
Getting back to the room, I gave Josie her coffee.
"Why didn't you put the top on?" she asked.
"I'll tell ya layta...do we have any aspirin?"
*And by "favorite," I mean, "Most annoying."
I assume this is the beginning of some sort of medicine-resistant virus that will eventually end all life on this planet.
Then again, I may watch too many disaster movies.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
No, I don't know Lou, but thanks to hollywoodiscalling.com, anyone can have a "celebrity" call a loved one with birthday, or whatever well wishes you like. (btw - check out the pic of Butch Patrick, TV's Eddie Munster...scary!)
My favorite part of the email regarding the call states that calls will be cut off after 30 seconds. Why? Doesn't Lou have the cajones to get off the phone when he wants to?
So, he called, but after a quick "Happy Birthday," my bro's cell lost the connection, and Lou never called back (Lou's number was restricted, so my bro couldn't call him). Hmmm...
I guess Lou is too busy, perhaps rehearsing for Hamlet.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
I watched from the sideline (I wore sweats in case they asked if I wanted to try - they did not). There were only three people in the class (four if you want to include the teacher's assistant), which is good as they have time to help out anyone who is at a lower level (or really uncoordinated, which is what I worry about). Weekend classes are busier.
Whereas Premier had a certain Kobra Kai feel to it, this class gets as close to Mr. Miyagi teaching Daniel-san as you're gonna get. The teacher is referred to as "sensei," all of the signalling was in Japanese and there is no fighting (at any level). It's all about technique (and role play fighting).
I really liked watching one of the students, a dude in his late-forties, his hair, graying around the temples, and in a pony tail. At one point, he left the student line to do an exaggerated "dance," stomping down. He then got a tissue from his bag and cleaned something off the mat. When the sensei went over, the guy said, "It was just a bug...I didn't want others to step on it and slip."
Another time, he stepped out of the line while grabbing his thigh, and explained, "I'm sorry sensei, but my quadriceps are tight." That scene repeated itself a few times.
Though it didn't look nearly as strenuous as the other class, it had a poetry to it, what I pictured classes for those truly interested in learning martial arts to look like.
Tomorrow, the tour heads downtown to this place. Details to come...
Monday, November 17, 2008
"What are you gong to wear when it's really cold?" he jokingly asked.
"I dunno...two hats?"
I assume he was just being cordial and friendly*, therefore I didn't give him the real answer - "I'll worry about it when it is really cold."
* Though knowing this person, he may really be wondering...or he may think I should be cold now so I'm somehow better prepared when it's really cold.
This middle-aged guy approached us and said to me, "Excuse me, are you an actor? My wife thinks she recognizes you."
"Um, no..I uh, do some comedy."
"But you're not actor."
"No, just comedy."
"Oh," he responded, more than slightly disappointed. "What's your name?"
After telling him, he disappeared back into the crowd.
Maybe I shoulda said, "I'm Stanley Tucci." Woulda given him and his Mrs. a story when they got home. Especially when I spelled my own name wrong.
Though it's kinda absurd to parody an era that was that played out like a parody in itself*, the play's a lot of fun, assuming you either loved/love the 80's hair-metal scene or have a thing for star Constantine Maroulis, who by the way, was really good.
After intermission was over, and we were all settling back into our seats, the entire theatre was evacuated. I knew it wasn't anything serious for two reasons. Firstly, they didn't even lead us through the emergency exits...we all went through the front doors. Also, the ushers, who make little or no money, were performing crowd control. If you made $7 an hour and knew there was a fire raging through the building, would you risk your life for a bunch of heavy-set people from Kansas? Me neither.
While outside, we met up with my bud's boyfriend, who hung with us for a bit, until he, and the rest of the cast were instructed to meet at a local Starbucks. I'm not sure whey we didn't follow (heck, they couldn't restart the show without the cast!) but we didn't, choosing to stay in the freezing cold.
We imagined Constantine and the rest of the cast enjoying decaf cappuccino lattes (or whatever) while lounging by a window, watching us bounce from foot to foot in a futile attempt to stay warm....
"Wow, it looks cold out there."
"Yeah, nice of them to stick around, huh?"
"Yea...hey...Is that Stanley Tucci?"
"I think it is...let's invite him in...wait, no, this guy's nose is bigger."
"Maybe he got it enlargened for a role?"
"Who's he playing, Pinocchio?"
(Laughs all around)
"Nah, it ain't him... Forget it."
ANYWAY, we hung outside for an entire hour before being allowed back in. I think that's my new deciding factor in how good something is, as in, "Would you wait outside, in the freezing cold, for an hour to see it?"
For Rock of Ages, I'd say, "Yes."
* In fact, outside the theatre, they displayed a printout of Sammy Hagar's demands when performing - you couldn't make up anything funnier.
Hearing that, my mom asked me, several times in fact, to make sure I got the pictures of me that she had loaned to them for the wedding.
Her folks gave them back to us, and made sure to tell us that they are all there. They know because mom had written the number of pictures given on the envelope.
Friday, November 14, 2008
I think she did a great job (though she cut out part of Josie's vows...and seems to have a foot fetish).
Two points -
Notice how Josie was dancing in the middle of the dance floor (she's the one in the white dress), but to get to me, Melody had to pan to the edge, and there I was, dancing by myself. I'm a wall flower, even at my own wedding.
Also, if you watch the comics' toasts, I love how they all made it into a semi-roast - Doug Adler said that a picture of me from my younger days that was displayed looked like the love child of Woody Allen and Elton John. Josh Homer said that I'm "brutally honest," and my favorite, Mike Saperstein said that I don't suffer fools lightly.
I guess now you really don't have to watch it...unless you love us...or Journey.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
When we got off the plane, the dude we were sposed to meet told us the shuttle to the hotel will be there in fifteen minutes, "which is an hour in Mexican time." I guess the Caribbean doesn't have a monopoly on that joke - I think I hear that every time I go away, but I do recall that in Jamaica, after dinner the first night, I started ordering my check during the appetizers (or I'd be there for four hours).
As warned, due to the guest/chair ratio, guests at the hotel put towels on lounge chairs by the pool really early...like 6:30 AM early. Then they went back to sleep. By 8 AM, every chair was taken, though very few people were out.
Can you imagine if people did this in New York? Like if someone went to a sports bar on Sunday morning, put a towel and some flip-flops on a stool and then left for a few hours? I'd love to see the argument when he got back, asked where his flip-flops were and was directed to the bathroom...stall number two.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
But, check out all the reviews...read them in order all the way to number seventeen.
I'm fairly certain Pamela didn't bother reading the book
* I know because the bottoms are different.**
** I checked the bottoms cause they felt different when I was walking.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Me: What would you do if you were on the subway, playin' on your cell phone, when someone takes and smashes it.
Bud: Is it a guy or a girl?
Me: Let's say it's a guy.
Bud: Oh, it's on.
Me: What? You'd punch him? Ask him why? Slap him?
Bud: I'd start swingin'.
Me: Just like that.
Bud: Just like that.
Me: And what if it's a girl?
Bud: Is she black or white?
Me: What's the difference?
Bud: Well, black women are nuts. I ain't gonna mess with her then.
Me: What would you do if she was white?
Bud: I'd have to ask why.
Me: What if she said, "Cause I felt like it!"
Bud: Wait...if she had a bag, I'd rip it from her and throw its contents out. Yeah, that's what I'd do.
Me: (checking watch) Only seven hours and thirty eight minutes to go.
Monday, November 10, 2008
It's got a story in it by yours truly about a crush I had in middle-school (though we never called it "middle-school"), and its disastrous unfolding.
I shake my head and sweat just thinking about it.
It's two days later, and I'm still hurtin'. My back, my legs, my ego...
I was starving when I got there, so to make sure I had enough energy to make it through class, I got a slice of pizza, which I'm pretty sure is what all black belts eat before throwin' down.
There were about twenty people in the class( about seven of them women). They were all wearing gi's, the traditional garb...except for my bud and I. We were wearing sweatpants (and I wore my Mike Piazza numbered NY Mets t-shirt to psyche out my bud, an avid Yankee fan...though I have no idea why that would psyche him out).
I pictured the teacher asking me why I wanted to take karate.
"Well, see this guy over here (I'd point to my bud)? I wanna beat his ass in the octagon. Yeahhh! Get him a body bag!"
(Silence and staring)
"Do you have any questions?"
"Yes...Does fear exist in the dojo?"
"That's from The Karate Kid...never mind."
ANYWAY, though I work out, my body wasn't prepared for this kind of work out. I think the instructor knew we may be a bit overwhelmed...
"By the way," he said, "the restroom is over there in case you need to vomit."
Half-way through the push-ups I started to slow down till I was down to performing knee push-ups. By the time we were running (and before any actual karate), I was sweating like Sarah Palin being asked to find Africa on a map.
But I hung in there (unlike my bud, who had to stop twice during the hour...I am so gonna kill him in the octagon!), even when I stubbed my toe during a hip toss (though I almost screeched in pain).
I mean, sure, the instructor did have to slow down the class several times to demonstrate (again and again) how to perform the "jab/cross/front kick" exercise for just me (btw - I never got the hang of that...I have the coordination of a newborn colt). And yes, one of the girls next to us did stop me to demonstrate how to throw a punch. And okay, my back and hammies have been killing for the the past two days (I have more appreciation for Rickey Henderson now), but I did it...and more importantly...
I'm goin' back for more.
Friday, November 7, 2008
The conversation went something like...
Me: Okay, I should keep moving...seeya!
4. First Dance -
As mentioned, we were sposed to take some lessons but due to our busy scheds, we never really got around to it, so we just bounced around for the three minutes and twenty nine seconds. At the two minute mark, I whispered to Josie, "Is it over soon?"
3 - Waiting for anyone to arrive
As mentioned, I got to the place too early. The caterer felt so bad for me she told Josie I was there by myself, so Josie called a buddy to come down to keep me company. But I didn't wanna put him out, so I just sat there, and watched the caterers set up. They did ask me a few logistical questions, and it was a good thing I was there....
Them: Can we move this table out a bit, like to here?
Me: Ummm, I dunno, it's up to Josie...you better ask her.
Them: Oh, okay, thanks anyway.
(I sat back down)
2. Visiting my friends' tables -
The conversations went something like...
Them: Nice party!
Me: Yeah, thanks...it does seem to be goin' pretty well.
Me: Okay, I guess I should keep moving...seeya layta!
1. The Last Dance.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Josie and her friends were at Loft 11 (where we got maddied) by like one o'clock (we were gettin' maddied at six). I was home, hanging with Stewie. By two-thirty, I was getting fidgety, and figured I may as well get over there myself. One problem - once there, I had nothing to do. Josie didn't want me to see her, so I just sat in the back by myself while workers prepared the ceremony space.
The ceremony was great - it was performed by Pastor April of The Church of the Ancient Ways. Have to admit that I was slightly disappointed, as I kind of expected her to walk in wearing a hooded robe like a druid. One of the readings was a synopsis of our first few e-mails to each other on match.com (where we met). I'll post it later.
Before the wedding, Josie mentioned a few times how she thought she may cry during the ceremony. I thought my vows (we'd written our own) would assuredly open her tear ducts so I brought tissues with me. They're still in my pocket as she never shed a tear (except when I stepped on her while dancing). I still can't believe that. But, she did look stunning... heck, I almost cried.
The food was ridiculously good (catered by Thomas Preti). Fact is, most people remember one thing from weddings - the food (and if anything embarrassing happened), so we decided to spend our (well, her parents') money there. Funny thing is though everything as awesome, I think just as many people mentioned the hot dogs in jackets as they mentioned the mini-lamb chops, peking duck rolls, butternut squash soup shots (w/toasted cheese on side), etc. Lesson is, no matter what kinda even yer plannin', make sher ya got franks in blankets. I'll bet Obama has 'em at his inauguration. You watch.
First Dance - Just What I Needed by The Cars - We were sposed to take some lessons given our offbeat choice, but we were too busy, so we just winged it. The three and a half minutes felt like about ten, but thankfully, everyone dug our choice and some even joined in (with the DJ's and our prodding).
Speaking of, the DJ was awesome - even the catering staff told me they'd heard a lot of DJ's (obviously) and this dude was one of the best. He said that he was gonna tear the roof off of the place, and he did. By ten o'clock, I was sweatin' like Patrick Ewing in 2002.
The cake was a stack of cupcakes from Sugar Sweet Sunshine. I picked them out myself, so you know they ruled. Josie surprised me with a "Groom's Cake," making my own idea come to life! Yup, a tower of Hostess goodness. Pictures to come.
Since we didn't have any bridal party (it would have been too embarrassing for me - Josie has tons of friends, while I have...nevermind), we had an open mic for toasts - anyone had the opp to sign up and say a few words. I highly recommend inviting a few comics to your wedding for this reason alone. Several people told me how much fun this part was. Of course, none of my friends from back home (or my brother) spoke, so it looked like all my friends are comics I've met in the last few years. Whatever...
Speaking of, though our wedding definitely had a unique quality about it, I don't think any one thing was particularly unique, unless, you've never heard a toast end with, "Umm...well, whatever," before handing the microphone over, as Josie's father's toast ended.
The last song of the wedding was Don't Stop Believing by Journey. If our first dance felt like ten minutes, this felt like twenty. Why? Hearing the first chords brought everyone under forty onto the circumference of the dance floor (Josie's brother ended a conversation he was having with his folks in mid-sentence), where they locked arm-in-arm and swayed to Steve Perry's soaring vocals. Fine... but Josie and I were in the middle. Picture that...what were we sposed to do? Well, we sung, swayed a bit, for all I remember, I may've played air guitar....I really don't know. And I don't really wanna know.
I haven't seen the video yet, but I'm curious to see what our videographer's done. We decided to give a girl out of college her first gig. In her e-mail to me, she assured me that she graduated from the top of her class with a 3.907 GPA, and never got below an A- in any film class. So, yeah, I'm curious (don't get too excited...she left before Journey took the stage).
That's it for now... I hate long posts anyway...Will post anything important I forgot and write a honeymoon recap later, or manana.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
Yesterday, by the pool, we sat next to a guy who I'm pretty certain came by his wealth by having the good fortune of getting hit by a car with resultant brain damage and a large settlement.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Lots to tell y'all, but if I spend too much time online, Josie will make herself a widow.
The wedding was better than we'd imagined and as good as we'd hoped. This resort rocks (though we did just sit with a Tom Skerritt lookalike, while he cut-up and ate spaghetti in front of us while trying to sell us a time share. Then he told how bad the spaghetti was.)
More in a day or two (or five).
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Me: Um, no... that's not right. Here's the address...
I'm not telling Josie.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
One of the games played at these things is called "Baby Bingo." Everyone gets a blank bingo card, and before any gifts are opened, you have to write down in each box potential gifts (rattler, stroller, etc) and the first to get a bingo, wins a prize.
Here are a few items Josie and I filled boxes with...
1. stuffed animal
2. lead paint
3. vicious pit bull
5. asbestos blanket (when they did get a blanket, I asked if it was asbestos laden)
6. throat-sized pebbles
8. shards of glass
Monday, October 20, 2008
This week, the same play occurred in the Jets/Oakland game (it prolly happens in a lot of games, I just don't watch a lot of games). The Jets kicker was about to go for a FG, he missed, but the Oakland coach had called TO, thereby nullifying the play. The kicker subsequently made the FG.
Let's forget about whether this is a ridiculous rule - fact is, a coach can call a TO anytime before the ball is snapped - nothing you can do about that. But should they?
It seems like a horrible strategy. I realize they are trying to "ice" the kicker, i.e. make him more nervous by making him wait longer. But isn't it more nerve racking to come into a game cold and be asked to kick a FG, rather than given one free practice?
The only practice he's gotten for the last few minutes was to kick the ball into one of those practice nets on the sideline. He has no idea how to play the wind, how straight he's hitting it, how sloppy the field is, etc. You're giving him all that information!
The funny thing is how it's almost become de rigueur for coaches to employ this strategy*, which means one thing: If you really hate the coach of your favorite team, jump off a bridge, he'll definitely follow you.
* The correct stratgey is the old one...where coaches called TO's to ice the kicker before he tried his first attempt. That way, he doesn't get any "real time" practice.
However, parking outside our new apartment, they got a ticket. They told me when the move was finished, while I was signing off on everything (the hours, satisfaction, etc.) The foreman said that if I didn't sign off on the ticket then I didn't have to pay it.
"Yeah, if you don't sign off, we pay it."
Feeling bad for the guys since they did a good job, I asked to clarify, "You mean you pay?"
"No, the company."
"Oh," I replied and after thinking about it, asked, "Then why would I sign it?"
So, I didn't.
Afterwards, I wondered if I'd done "the right thing." I mean, it would be different if they'd asked if I wanted to take a chance...sorta laying it out for me, but they didn't. I don't think I did anything wrong from a moral perspective. Or did I?
"Yeah, you look really calm"
What does she expect, my veins to be popping out of my head, eyes bulging out of their sockets, and me speaking in tongues?
I'm saving those for Friday.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
He also said he couldn't find an edited version of F*** Tha Police, so, sorry Jill, your request is has been denied*
* We actually put it on the list, but the DJ's were like, "Do you really want that? I mean, it's cool with us, but if there are kids there..." and that was that.
Thankfully, Josie is doing that right now.
As far as I'm concerned, steak, appletini's, and ice cream pretty much is the perfect night anyway.
* I can prolly get in the Guinness Book of World Records for "Earliest Time to Call It A Night On Your Bachelor Party"
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
So we went to Duke's, kind of a honky-tonk bbq joint.
My two buds got PBR's. When I ordered and Appletini, the waitress looked up from her pad and asked, "For real?"
"Yes, I never joke about Appletini's."
Monday, October 13, 2008
Though I don't usually get the free drink that performing comics get at the club, I did this time, figurin' an Amstel Light is a good, slow way to start what was sure to be a highlight-reel kinda evening full of, ummm, highlights.
To Be Cont....
Sunday, October 12, 2008
There were twenty-three people at my first bachelor party in 1992. There were ten at Angelo & Maxie's last night. That means one of two things, either 1) I was more popular back then, or 2) I am now more selective about whom I wanna hang with.
A couple of stories, manana.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Unfortunately for him/her, I didn't answer that question. In case someone else finds me using a similar search (or if that person is now so hooked on my blog that they come back), I shall give you the answer now...
Only if they're Jewish.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
My dad wouldn't work or even drive on the holier days, walking up to an hour to get to my mom's apartment (they were divorced). He always wanted us to be more religious, shaking his head when we weren't respecting our Jewish heritage in his eyes.
When I was younger, I'd fast as a game, just to see if I could make it. Of course, my dad thought it was great that I was fasting, even though he knew my motive wasn't exactly pure.
Now, I fast for a different reason.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
"Hi, this is Andy Engel from Comix. I think I sent you an e-mail yesterday."
"Uh, yeah, and I spoke to you on the phone about it."
"Oh, really? It's been a crazy few days here...refresh my memory."
"You said I had to bring fifteen people to perform. I said that I can't bring fifteen people. You said to let you know if anything changes."
"Oh, right...okay, sorry about that, but yes, gimmee a holla if anything changes."
This morning, we had a breakfast in honor of my wedding. Though there was nothing chocolate-filled. chocolate-covered, or chocolate-encased, it was fine.
When I got back to my desk, the head of one of our (only) revenue-producing lines came over, congratulated me, and gave me a card from him and his family. Even though we're worked together for eight years, we don't talk much except to exchange daily and/or bitch about the company. Very nice of him, I thought. Then I opened up the card.
Inside were twenty-five twenties.
He's offering a FREE DVD of your set when you book a New Talent Showcase spot by 12/31. Out of curiosity, I e-mailed back, asking when are the shows, how many people you have to bring, and how much time do I get on stage?
He wrote me, asking for my phone number - I assumed he wanted to discuss it, maybe even give me a special deal if he's trying to get this show off the ground.
When he called, the first thing he said was, "It's only seven bucks cover but you have to bring fifteen friends."
"Fifteen? I can't do that." More like, I don't wanna do that.
"Oh, okay, well, if your situation changes, call me."
This NYC Underground Comedy Festival sponsored show featured one comic who did about five minutes (out of seven) of fat jokes. Another who ran through about ten minutes of material, and another who ran off the stage before his time was up.
When I say it was a mediocre show, I'm being kind. And yet, I lost. To say I was pissed would be an understatement. I've always considered myself pretty honest at self-evaluation, and I really thought I had the best (and well-thought out) set. I got laughs throughout, even an applause break or two.
But here's the thing - there were five judges. Five. How can I blame the judging when there were five of them? Logically, that doesn't make sense. And since I didn't think the winner was very good, that leaves only one reasonable conclusion....
I'm not very good.
In any event, I'm gonna take a comedy sabbatical. Need to recharge my batteries, re-tool my set, and well, decide what to do comedy career-wise.
But fear not! To the dozens who read this everyday (sometimes seven times a day - I'm lookin' at you Homer!), this blog will go on.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Jill - I'm impressed with how comfortable she appears, given all the silence.
Me - Well, she has a lot of practice.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
This one will follow the concept if the mismatched buddy cop movie, where both cops are half-black and half-white.
The conceit is that one office has a white dad and black mom, whereas the other has a black dad and a white mom.
Hilarity ensues (and some crime-fighting)
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Last night, Josie and I went to a bud's birthday party. Twas truly a night to remember... at least as far as comedy goes (though nothing I'd use on stage).
When my bud announced that I was a comic, not only did pretty much everyone there ask me to do a few minutes (including my bud) but they (including Josie) started chanting, "COM! ED! DY! COM! ED DY!" I resisted.
After having sat at our table for about an hour, this woman sitting across from me said, "You're not a comedian, right?"
I replied, "That's right, I'm actually so humorless that my friends call me "The Comedian" in an ironical way.
Another guy told me had a joke for me to use. I don't really recall it other than that it involved a
"black man walking into a bar" and I told him after that I can't really use it cause, "I work clean."
"Oh... too bad."
When we said good night to my bud's parents his dad asked for a some jokes. I obliged, leaving them laughing.
"See? Was that so hard?" Josie asked.
"I guess not."
And as we were walking out another guest said, "You're leaving?"
"Come on, tell me a joke!"
"Fine...So, this black guy walked into a bar...."
Friday, October 3, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Would that conversation happen between a booker and a comic today? Hell no... the booker may not book the comic because he's black, but tell him/her some other reason.
And yet, it's perfectly fine for a booker to tell a comic that they aren't going to use them because they're too old. That's what happened to hilarious comic Robin Fox at a top NY club and Jerry Shack at another. Another comic, buddy Doug Adler, was told by a guy who runs festivals that his age will make it tough for him to get noticed.
Again, can you imagine if another comic were told that it would be tough to make a festival cause he was a Jew? (Unless, it was, like, "The Huntsville, Alabama Comedy Festival.")
On one hand, I do get it...some clubs seem to get a large percentage of younger audience members... it would make sense to have younger comics on the card. Though...good comics do well with any audiences...I've seen Robin Fox kill with twenty-somethings, and I've seen younger comics totally eat it with younger crowds.
And yeah, I get it...everyone's looking for "fresh, young faces" - the comics who will become the face of their clubs for years to come and get TV deals*, etc. - But here's the thing, we live in an age of NOW. Internet sensations become famous overnight, blogs turn into book deals after running for six months, etc. Who cares if Doug Adler won't wanna do comedy in ten years cause his arthritis is acting up (Note - Doug doesn't have arthritis...at least as far as I know)? All I know is that right now, he's out doing shows/open mics like 5/6 nights a week...as is Robin...and Jerry.
At the memoir class I recently took, I learned that though publishers used to be very age-conscious, that attitude has changed, due to all the flame-outs of the younger writers, who either couldn't deal with the pressure, or just had one book in them.
I'm hoping the same happens in comedy, especially, since, you know, I'm getting older.
*Because you know, the young guns out in Hollywood have been doing so well deciding which sitcoms to air.
The dialogue is asinine and the "acting" is unbelievably poor.
My favorite cast member was Dylan, prolly cause he was unseen and unheard (Brenda was talking to him on the phone).
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
*It couldn't possibly be due to my lack of talent. Actually, I'll blog later, or manana, about age discrimination in comedy.
ANYWAY, though I was passed over for the main show in the NYC Underground Comedy Festival - I was selected to be in the "Best of the Rest" show. Man, do I hate that name. I hate it so much that I actually thought of declining the invite, but then decided to keep my nose.
If anyone reading this is in NY on Tuesday, October 7th, I'll be competing against the rest of the also-rans at HA! Comedy Club, in Times Square. Show starts at 7:30 PM - You can buy tickets here...
If you use "BOTR" in the discount code box, you get half off tickets.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Talk about deceptive advertising.
Not only are they fooling people who wanna take a trip to Ireland, but I'm certain the fare is higher if you are in need of just a one-way ticket (I assume some people move there, no?).
That's like if Nike advertised their Air Jordan's, and displayed the price for one sneaker.
Monday, September 29, 2008
The crowd was kinda sparse, about twenty in all, and when the MC inquired during his opening, not a single Jew present..not a huge deal but I do find some of my Jewish jokes go over better with Jews. Not only that, but they were pretty evenly split among young and old, about ten under thirty and ten above forty-five, making it tough to appeal to the whole crowd with every joke.
Speaking of the MC, he didn't do any crowd work, normally done to warm up the crowd, he just went straight into his parody songs...mainly to silence. Thankfully, the second comic up, Jerry Shack, made up for it, mixing in crowd work with a really great set of his own. I was heartened by the audience's response, though still nervous, especially when the MC did another fifteen minutes of songs between Jerry and myself.
When I finally got up there, after having trouble getting the mic out of the stand, I launched into my material... and proceeded to have one of the best sets I've ever had.
It was bizarre, they ate up jokes that I've cut from my shorter sets due to unresponsive crowds... I got huge laughs doing crowd work...after my set, several of the audience members congratulated me bar the bar.
The question I've been asking myself is - Why did this happen?
I can't say they were a particularly "hot" crowd (the headliner didn't do that great). I was pretty nervous going on stage. I didn't have any new killer material. So, why?
The answer is...I'm not sure - maybe the stars were aligned just right, giving me the perfect twenty people for my comedic stylings...or, maybe it was cause having twenty minutes, once I started getting laughs, I relaxed up there, really taking my time. I stopped several times to drink and water, and didn't even think of the silence... I didn't care, cause I knew they'd be laughing in fifteen seconds anyway. Maybe that's it. Not caring.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
If yer bored and want something light (read: perfect for bathroom) to read, click here to check out my series on this memoir writing class I took.
We got on, the train wasn't crowded, and I headed to a corner. This guy stood right next to me, his bag rubbing against me. I started to push back a little, and he backed off a little. A few minutes later he leaned into me again, though I couldn't tell if it was him pushing or just swaying with the train's motion around bends. But then it happened again. And Again. This went on for a few stops, until a woman got up and he swarmed to her seat.
A couple stops later, this older white woman got on. He immediately tapped her on the shoulder and asked if she wanted his seat. And I felt bad. For him.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Ummm, sorry to tell ya, but if you couldn't sell it at your old price, and had to lower it, then that is the market.
(and if you still can't sell it, then you may be above market).
Waiting for the club to open, I overheard a few comics having a discussion - the topic seemed to be "Who's more annoying, Jews or Asians?"
If I wasn't focused on my audition I woulda addressed it from the stage. It woulda been fun for me to get into it, but, given the impending audition, I wanted to concentrate on my set and not deal with negative vibes.
I did my set, which, I must point out, includes references to me being Jewish.
The comics after me, some clown who went by the name of "Prince Akeem" did four minutes of material and then started tackling Wall Street's trouble and the $700B bail out package. The punchline for this joke, while staring at me mind you, was "Now, can we blame the Jews?!" To make sure we all heard him, he repeated it several times, each time louder, until he was screaming.
I contemplated answering him but again, I really didn't wanna get worked up on some d-bag.
I am considering going back to that mic next week, hoping he's there.
As some readers (actually maybe only one) know...I suffer from stage fright. That wouldn't be such a big deal if I were say, an accountant, but it's kinda important when you're a stand-up comic.
It's not uncommon for me to get headaches and/or stomach aches before shows (I even get nervous at open mics). I've also gotten lock jaw, shortness of breath and/or "the shakes."
It's gotten better but it always kills me when I get the "you look so comfortable/confident up there" as it's the last thing I'd expect to hear.
btw - this blog is the basis of my memoir.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Anyway, now there's word of an American Psycho musical!
In honor of such an event, I may get new business cards...with tastefully thick, subtle off-white coloring. It may even have a watermark.
She told me I should be more active too.
"Cause if they win, we're moving to Canada."
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Let's just say if they like me, I'm gonna leave this blog behind and write a trophy blog.
Since I've gotten Stewie, my caloric intake has been lowered by one-third, as not only do I give him about a quarter of every meal I eat, but I eat fewer snacks as I know that most ain't good for him.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
"When should I tell you?"
"Tell me at the airport."
"We do need to go via plane, right?"
"Umm, let's just say I'll tell ya at the bus station."
Saturday, September 20, 2008
I was just watching Back to the Future (ok, I still am) and Doc shrieks in horror, "They found me!"
"Who?" asks Marty.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Not only did they check off the "Sorry! We are unable to attend because we have something really important to do" box, but, they felt the need to write in below, "Absolutely not able to attend."
Oooooo....Wait till I tell mom!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
One problem - our lease ends October 31st. No biggie, until you realize that we are getting maddied Oct 25th and will be on our honeymoon.
We asked the management company if we can leave a month early. No. We asked if we can stay an extra month. No.
Nothing like a li'l added stress to spice up October.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Another One Bites The Dust
The Thong Song
The Humpty Dance
This could be an interesting wedding. I think I'm gonna spend the wedding watching the Mennonites.
And I guess the producers agreed with me.
You see, I haven't watched The Office for a while, mainly cause I have other stuff to watch (like this)....but I recently caught a few episodes from last season, and I noticed one big change... No, Michael isn't smarter
...Jan is now an idiot too.
It's almost like a different character from when I last saw her. She used to be just as flabbergasted as we were at Michael's antics, but now she's got her own antics for us to be flabbergasted about.
Did I miss a plot point? Did getting laid off drive her insane? Does dating someone insane make you insane? What are the writers telling us?
Monday, September 15, 2008
Well, one of my friends' parents were invited. He told me that when he went to visit them, his mom showed him the invite and asked, "Is this supposed to be funny?"
Me - V had about ten beers.
Bro - Ten? Really?
Me - Yeah, he was pretty drunk.
Bro - Was he tapping people on the shoulder and pretending that it wasn't him?
Me - Yes!!! Does he always do that?!?
Bro - Yup...when he's hammered.
And it was true...walking through the stadium, trying to find our section, V would randomly tap people on the shoulder and keep walking. They would turn around, and either look at me and my innocent mug, or turn to see the back of V's head.
The game? Oh, it sucked...Though the stadium was as loud as I'd ever heard it at the start of the game, by the middle of the second quarter, when it was apparent these were the "same ol' Jets," it got quiet and really never got loud again.
Friday, September 12, 2008
This morning, she e-mailed me. In mentioning Josie, she remarked, "...and can her nose be more adorable?"
"15 minutes?!" I replied, "I can't wait that long." Especially considering we had decided to walk the 20 minutes to get home. I suggested we stop off at her favorite empanada place, Empanada Mama's. She happily agrees, and we order there. We wait about ten minutes for our food and take it go.
As soon as we left, I wondered out loud why I ordered so little. So when we passed this hole-in-the-wall Haitian place that I always wanted to try, Josie asked if I wanted to get something from there too.
"Yes!" I answered and we entered. As an aside, I felt like I was in a foreign country as soon as I walked in. Not only did it appear that everyone in there was Haitian, but I had to ask the woman at the counter to repeat herself like three times cause I couldn't make out her accent.
I ended up ordering the fried pork with plantains.
"15 minutes," she told me.
25 minutes later, Josie was waiting outside, while I was inside (thinking that my standing there would make this go faster). She texted me something about "What's taking so long?"
I asked her, "What can I do?"
"Throw at fit. Cry," She answered.
Anyway, 10 minutes after that, we got our food and finally made our way home.
I prolly shoulda ordered one of their more exotic dishes (like oxtail or cow's feet) cause to be honest, though the fried pork was decent, it wasn't any better than something like, say, pasta.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
They sent him a coupon for the same product.
When we questioned whether enough had been ordered, her father declared, "Don't worry, we have salami in the fridge."
And that's' what we ate...sushi and salami.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Josie said, "I dunno, whatever."
Mom responded, "How about lingerie?"
Now, I'm not exactly sure how Josie answered, but if I were her, the answer woulda sounded something like, "Oh, for the love of God, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
So tonite, he gets his own burger...which actually works out for me as I wont have to share mine.
He's four years old. I swear, it seems like only yesterday when he was constantly nudging a ball into my hands to throw, sitting at my feet while I ate, hoping for scraps and licking my armpits for some bizarre reason.
Oh wait...that was this morning.
Anway, if you're reading this, Happy Birthday Stewbert!
BTW - I heard the book which contains an essay I wrote about Stew was featured on the front page of Publishers Weekly.
Oddly, he e-mailed me on Tuesday to arrange for our Sunday meeting...
"I will be wearing Green shorts and a short sleeve green shirt with a moose on it."
I resisted the urge to write back, "What if there are two people wearing that outfit? How will I know which one is you?"
I think my favorite part of that outfit is that he thought about it...and said to himself, "This'll get 'em on board!"
Sunday, September 7, 2008
I highly recommend to all those as bored as I am, check out the best of the mommy bloggers, The Soccer Mom Files.
Here's one of my favorite recent posts of hers.
Of course, don't check it out if that would mean spending less time here. Of course.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
(Though it is true...I don't feel any need to be "on." Sometimes I am, sometimes, I ain't.)
Friday, September 5, 2008
Well, I was watching Grease the other night for the 389th time, and I couldn't help but notice how angry and sarcastic everyone was (except Frenchie) - in fact, Sandy "fit in" at the end by changing into a bitchy temptress for Danny (it was enough that Danny "attempted" to change)...don't get me wrong, I'm angry and sarcastic so it didn't bother me in the least, I'm just sayin' that maybe things weren't so peachy keen.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
You know how single people sometimes feel awkward at weddings...just sitting there, watching couples' dance, feelin' all, you know, single? And there's always a person or two sitting at a table who doesn't know anyone else?
Well, here is (actually, was) my idea...
Couples will not be seated with each other. If the hubby is seated at "Table Yurt," the wife will be at "Table of the Dog." This will help in two areas.
One, no one will know anyone else at their table, making it so it's not just awkward for a few, it'll be awkward for all!
And two, I see it playing out like a reality show, let's call it Temptation Wedding.
Pursuant to our voice mail exchange, here is an email with my observations -- and please note that they are based on my first three days on that floor (I was on E 3d floor before), so the data may not be representative, and that's why I wanted to talk so this doesn't get blown out of proportions.
I refer to the men's room in the Northern part of the building, where I found the following state of affairs:
- Overfull wastepaper baskets beginning mid afternoon (with used paper towels falling out on the floor);
- yesterday, one of the two paper towel dispensers not giving out any paper for most of the day (still the case this morning);
- the cleaning log sheet for yesterday was not kept in a meaningful way (whoever does this doesn't understand that one doesn't sign off in the morning for all day...)
I also received a comment from a female co-worker that the E2d floor ladies room presents a general state of uncleanliness which causes her to go to the third floor facilities.
Also, since we are talking feedback, two things that are bothering me, but I have never been able to tell anyone:
- There is a tendency among cleaning suppliers/bathroom keepers/vendors to use a more narrow kind of toilet paper (about an inch missing) than others, or than the kind one uses at home. I am sure this is to save trees and cost, but personally, I think that is saving pennies at the cost of great discomfort and dissatisfaction to the user.
- I also think that our restrooms are not ventilated enough, and that there, like in many other parts of the building, fresh outside air is hard to come by.
I understand these are facilities much-used by a lot of people, and again, these are very personal observations, very preliminary, not to be taken too seriously, but I thought you might want to know. Let me know if you want to discuss.
Deputy General Counsel
(I love that it's a lawyer)
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
You'd think that doing twelve minutes in those circumstances would make for a lousy gig, but the fact is, I was happy to do twelve minutes, I ate an awesome steak (free!), got to hang out with some comic buddies, and got home by eleven.
Not a bad night at all in my book.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
So three people will be calling us cheap bastards sometime early next week.
ANYWAY, Nipsey has long since departed this mortal coil, so we need another celeb to invite to our wedding. We want it to be someone who we like but also, someone small enough that there's actually a chance he/she may come (also should live in NY area)
I'm thinking Corey Feldman (though I have no idea where he lives) or William Zabka.
Any other suggestions?