Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Open Mic Fun

So this black dude who I've never seen at one of these gets up to do his thing. He's young, got on baggy jeans and a hood pulled over his head.

His first few jokes are about him knowing that Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown still do crack since he's their dealer. He segues into how he doesn't see what the big deal is about the news that Bobby pisses on Whitney...that he'd first "light the beeyatch on fire and then piss on her." Everyone in the room is silent as no one knows if he's kidding.

He moves onto the city's Guns for Tickets Program - how New York wil give you tickets for concerts in you hand in your gun. He joked (I assume it was a joke) that he waits outside the building where the trade takes place and, using his gun, mugs the people for their tickets. Again, we're all just sitting there, more than slightly uncomfortably.

He then asked the MC how much time he had left.

I shouted, "As much as you want!"

Rock On,


Thursday, February 23, 2006

(Not So) Great Moments in Improv!

So as I mentioned previously, I started taking this Improv class a feww weeks ago. It's been fun and all, but last night something occurred that would already be on the Improv Classic Channel if there were such a thing. I already blogged about it on teh comedy soapbox (and there are a bunch of comments) but if you dont feel like going there - here's what happened...

Awww man...last week I had the pleasure of being present for The Best Open Mic Moment in History, and tonight I was there for The Best Improv Class Moment In At Least A While (I really haven't been to enough to know where it stands in a historical sense).

But seriously, as far as I'm concerned, it was at least worth the cost of tonight's class - anyway, here's what happened...

Me and this other guy were onstage doing a scene. The scene itself doesn't matter but I was sposed to be a 16-year-old playing a video game at Chuck-E-Cheese and he was my brother standing by me. I'm not sure why, but I was playing the 16 year old as an 8 year old (guess I'm not around many kids)...ANYWAY, I'm playing this game and I guess my scene partner couldn't think of what to do or say next (it's only our 4th class). So after us standing there in silence for ten seconds, he puts his head in his hands and starts crying. I continue playing the video game...we're silent for another ten seconds, when I say something like, "I got the umm, high score." His head's still in his hands with his shoulders convulsing as to continue his "crying." Another ten seconds pass which feels like an hour. Finally, he picks his head up and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't know where to go from here."

I'm really also laughing at myself here cause he and I are sposed to be working together and I shoulda been able to say something to get the scene going again (Like "I know why you're crying...I just beat your high score" - I'm awesome three hours later). But the rest of the class, on the subway, and while writing this blog, I've been breaking out in intermittent fits of laughter. I can't help but think of him with his head in his hands while thinking, "What the hell do I do now?" It was like he regressed to being five and didn't know what to do, so he cried.

I'm not sure I could ever do a scene with him again.

I swear...I'm still laughing every time I think of it.

Rock On,


Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Ya Can't Make This Stuff Up

Anyway, before my show last night, I did an open mic - turned out I was a part of history.....

So tonite I was fortunate enough to be present at what will undoubtedly be Numero Uno when VH1 runs out of music and TV related lists and does The Top 50 Open Mic Moments Of All Time. I only hope that I can be one of the talking heads for that show.

Now understand, it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to do this story justice as this was truly a "You Had to Be There" kinda story. And also cause I forgot a lot because I did a show right after and that tends to wipe out a lot of short term brain cells. I really wish someone taped it. But anyway...

So the fifth comic up is this slight white early-twenty something year old dude wearing a suit. Looking at him, I woulda guessed he'd do bits about the Tooth Fairy and/or Wine Tastings (d'oh!).

Anyway, he mentioned that he did a show the previous evening where there musta been some loud black people in the crowd. We know this because he tells us about it, and punctuates it by telling us how "they" have to ruin every public event by yelling and carrying on. First he talks about the men, but then includes the women too. Everyone's waits for a punchline to no avail.

I believe he then discussed how blacks brought us AIDS and he made pro slavery remarks (none with a punchline, mind you). Though he never dropped the N Bomb, he used other words that I hadn't heard since I last saw American History X (like "coon").

The other comics were in stunned silence pretty much throughout with some nervous-type laughter at how we couldn't believe what we were hearing. I looked around a few times with a face that approximated what my headshot looks like, but with my mouth wide open. I was met with similiar expressions.

That was the first four and a half minutes. For his last half minute he did a bit about the silliness of believing in Tooth Fairy.

The host berated him a bit before moving on with the mic.

Like I said, I really wish someone had taped it.

As I used to say at my last job....I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

Rock On,


Monday, February 13, 2006

Number One fan, indeed

Had a show last night. After I got home, I told Bronwen one of the new jokes that did well.

With a confused look on her face, she questioned, "Really?!?"

My number one fan, indeed.

Rock On,


Tuesday, February 7, 2006

just shoot me

Went to a Super Bowl party last night at Ed's. Once I'm with a bunch of people for any length of time and they hear that I do standup, it's inevitable that one of two things will occur:

Someone will either tell me they have a great joke for me (which usually causes me to say, "Let's hear it" while I bite down on my tongue and they launch into some 10 minute tale involving various ethnic or religious groups entering a bar) or someone on the group will tell me that their friends tell them that they should do standup (to which I reply, "That's cool" while pray that they don't tell me their jokes..and then I bite down on my tongue). Last night, we had the latter.

So we had a "Joke Off," going joke for joke much like Eminem in 8 Mile, but ummm, with jokes. Mahagen claimed that I was a comedy snob since I didn't laugh at her jokes, and while that may be true, my non-laughter was more likely due to the fact that anyone who either has Google or who gets forwarded jokes has probably heard those jokes before. I was waiting for her to tell me that she's on a seafood diet.

Rock On,


Monday, February 6, 2006

Delusional? Moi?

So Friday Night I did a show at Gotham. In what had to be a first, I actually thought that I did better than my friends (Deeanna and Rob) thought that I'd done. After the show, they were pretty busy telling me how I went too fast for the first few minutes of my set and told me how much they didn't like certain jokes.
I, on the other hand, thought that I got better laughs than most of the other comics on the bill, and in fact, in one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me, the comic who went on after me thanked me after the show for turning the crowd around (since the first few comics did pretty crappy).

I think I was happy since I used a few jokes that I'd never done before and got a good response (from most). On the other hand, maybe I'm in the process of becoming one of the billions of comics who think that they are better than they are. If that is so, don't tell me, gimmeee a few months of blissful ignorance.
Thank you.

Rock On,


Wednesday, February 1, 2006

God Help Her

Though this sounds like it coulda happened at my shop, this is from a friend:

So this guy sits across from me and everyday after lunch he brings in a small bag of plain m&ms. He has a special little jar for them and will munch on them over the course of the following two hours. You can actually set your watch to it.

Well, he comes back from lunch today and while he is hanging up his coat, he sets the bag of candy on the shelf. Forgetting to retrieve the m&ms, he goes to the men's room. Three minutes later, he remembers the bag, goes back to the closet and finds the candy is now gone.

After a 10 minute rant to all those sitting in his area...I may have even seen some beads of sweat trickling down his face...he sits down at his computer and furiously begins to type out an email.

This is the message he decided to send to the ENTIRE office (we're talking about 200+ people including CEO, CFO, etc. )

By the way, not wanting to watch him suffer any longer, I decided to lend him the $0.75 to buy a new bag.

To: Everyone
Subject:        lost - one bag mm's candy

If someone found a small bag of plain mm's candy on the shelf in the 4th
floor coat closet, please return to XXXX XXXX in Coding.

Thank you,

Coding Assistant