Monday, November 30, 2009

Lotta Questions...No Answers

I was watching some show on the TLC channel (which, by the way, they should rename the "Thank God This Isn't You Network") when they went to commercial.

One commercial was for Jon and Kate plus 8, another was for Table for 12 (about a couple with 12 kids) and yet another for 18 And Counting (about a couple with 18 kids!).

I guess my question is - why does anyone watch the one with 8 kids (or even 12) if there's one with 18 kids? I assume people watch to see how these couples deal with all the kids, so wouldn't it make sense that they'd wanna watch the one with the most difficult job?

It kinda reminds me of buying bread in the supermarket. They have loaves of 8-grain bread next to 12-grain bread next to 15-grain bread.

Why would anyone buy the 8 grain bread? How long will it be till there's a 20 grain bread? Then again, are there 20 grains?

I have a headache.


Sunday, November 29, 2009

A Harris Bloom Thanksgiving

When we went around the table to say what we're thankful for, my mom asked, "Can I say what I'm sad about?"

Good grief Harris Bloom.


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Killing And Dying In Comedy

I've been working with the The New York Hysterical Society, doing mainly Jewish temple shows (btw - if any of my loyal, or not so loyal, readers would like us to organize a comedy night fundraiser for you, contact me).

I did one on Saturday night. I think the average age of the audience was about 95. I did well enough (you really don't wanna "kill" with this may actually kill) but I woulda done better if I had jokes with Barnaby Jones references, or better yet, Milton Berle.

After the show, a woman told me that she thought several of my jokes were "precious." I'm assuming that means good, in 1930-speak.

I actually did one several weeks ago where I (surprisingly) did very well, but I can't say the same for the MC. It was so quiet during his set, it had the feel of a shiva call... I sat in the back mourning him.


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Deep Fried Turducken

Right now, the number one search on Yahoo is "deep fried turkucken."

I'm pretty sure that's cause that's what the pilgrims ate at the first Thanksgiving.


Friday, November 20, 2009

Harris Goes To College

As many of you know, I graduated from Queens College, living at home the entire time. Not going away to school is one of my big regrets (becoming a Jets fan is another). My, wife, Josie, has decided to do something about it.

My birthday is next week, and in honor of it, Josie is throwing me a "Harris Goes To College" pub crawl in Hell's Kitchen. I will be drinking till I puke. As I am not much of a drinker and the crawl starts at 6 PM, I expect that to be around 7:30. I am prepared for my frat-boy experience by reading tucker max, playing hackey sack in shorts and stocking up on roofies.

One problem will be that my sweet tooth extends to drinks. I can't tell you how many times I have ordered drinks for Josie and I, and when the waiter brings them, I had to give her the Guinness and take my Appletini.

The problem with that is sweet drinks make for a bad hangover (and I have to help a friend move the next day, followed by a show for 50 elderly Jews later...oy!) I can't drink beer cause, well, I don't really like it (I think someone is bringing a funnel but I think that's gonna be left unused).

My plan is to drink margaritas, but not just any margaritas, as my friend, and drinking guru, Doug Adler told me I have to only get them made with 100% agave tequila, whatever that is...He said I should ask for "silver margaritas." Yes, the mix will prolly give me the hangover, but the good alcohol will lessen it.

Or I may just funnel Appletinis all night. We'll see.

The review, tomorrow (Or more likely Sunday)


Thursday, November 5, 2009

The World Series

People asked me who I was rooting for since, as a Mets fan, the Yanks and Phils are both our arch-enemies.

I responded, "Just like in Rocky 5, I was rooting for the end."


Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Putting A Happy Face On

I love how animal rescue sites try to warn you about adoptable dogs' poor behavior by making it appealing - I saw one this morning that read, "...and Cody will love to decorate your house with toilet paper any chance she gets!"

If I wrote one for Kilo, here would be some tidbits.......

Kilo is so athletic, he will jump right up to your nose and bite it!

Kilo is good at whimpering or crying when he wants or needs something, which is all the time!

Kilo is great on the leash, assuming you consider lunging at other dogs great!

Kilo is so full of love and affection that he will continue to jump on you, no matter how many times you yell, "No!"

Kilo is so smart, he'll figure out how to get into your garbage can, eat the contents, and then throw up everywhere!


btw - these are jokes about Kilo, he's a great dog, and he's never thrown least not after getting into the garbage, which he has done.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Bill Simmons ("The Sports Guy") Is An Idiot

This isn't gonna be about his deficiencies as a writer.

I mean, YES, he uses the same lines time and time again, and YES, it is ridiculous how he STILL uses Shawshank, The Karate Kid and Rocky movies to underscore his points. Also, his increased popularity, coinciding with his move to L.A. has changed his point of view, from "man of the people" to "check me out, hanging with Jimmy (that's Mr. Kimmel to you) while watching all ten games on my sweet plasma screen setup."

He also got kinda screwed by the fact that his Boston teams became good, and with that often comes mass hatred (pun intended) - I don't think he handles that well, incorporating an "eff you" bent to his columns, but whatever.

This is about his lack of knowledge of gambling, something he professes to know a lot about, and continually makes the same wrong point, as he did in his latest column when he wrote...

"I tried to determine a science for picking games in the first few weeks. Bookies are terrified of that stretch for this reason: There's no ironclad way to distinguish good teams from the bad teams yet."

My problem is with his declaration that "bookies are terrified."


Bookies don't set the lines. We do. All bookies care about is making sure that half the money goes to each team...that way they make coin no matter who covers.

A team like Dallas, which has a huge national following, gets a few points it's way just because it has so many fans who bet on them (bookies try to get gamblers to bet on their opposition). It has nothing to do with bookies liking Dallas.

I swear, every time he writes that I feel like getting The Sisters to pay him a visit. Or Byron Hadley. Or at least sweeping his leg.