Thursday, May 31, 2007

Um Yeah, She's Adorable

Today is "Bring Your Child To Work Day" here.

On a related note, if my doctor can take me, I'm gonna leave early for a vasectomy.

Rock On,


Seeing the Big Picture

Had a show last night at the New York Comedy Club. As I was leaving, this dude in the audience was literally dragging his girlfriend out. She was totally hammered. As I was saying goodbye's with a few comics outside, I noticed that she seemed barely conscious, and was draped on him as he leaned against a building. I went over to ask if she was okay.
"I think so."
Not liking his indecisive answer, I walked back into the club and tell an assistant manager to come out. By the time we got outside, she was vomiting.
The manager said, "Can you move away from the door?" and walked back in.

I love that club.

Rock On,


Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I Missed a Spot

So I had a date Sunday night. Since one of my fave comics, Dave Attell, was performing at Gotham, I figured we'd meet for a drink and then see him.

Here's my new favorite thing about being a comic - Management at Gotham actually treated me like a bit of a big deal. Waiting on line, one of the assistant managers walked over to me, shook my hand, and asked if I was getting comped.
"I dunno."
"Here." He pulled out a couple of free passes. "If they don't comp you, give them these, and they will."

When we got to the front of the line, the guy who figures out where to seat people recognized me as well....
"Hey! Harris Bloom!"
"How's it goin'?"
"Good," He said, giving me our seating assignment. "You're both comped."

When we ambled over to the dude who actually seats us, it was more of the same...
"Mr. Bloom, how are you?"

Imagine if I really was somebody.

As we got closer to our seats, I knew I had to make a decision. There were already two people sitting at our table. They had The Good Side... basically, facing the stage. My decision involved whether to sit on the outer-most seat or the one closer to the stage. Here's the dilemma: The outer-most seat is prolly more comfortable, so I'd normally give it to her. BUT, I had given myself a haircut (using a razor) earlier, and I knew there was razor-burn, but also, since I no longer have anyone to ask, I worry about missing spots. So I was worried about me looking like some kinda missing link as she stared at a few patches of hair on the back of my head for the entire show.

I ended up giving her the outer-most seat and remained self-conscious for the duration. And I know she was staring at it, cause every time I turned around to say something to her, she was looking at me. So yeah, I know.

btw - Rachel's claim to fame is that she's the ONLY person I think I've ever met who under "turn-offs" had clicked on "thrills."

Come again?

Upon cross-examination, she claimed she meant horror movies, which contrary to popular belief, isn't a big deal for me.

Though she agreed to have dinner after the, I'm not sure she was diggin' me as by the time I got home and logged in to match to tell her that I had a good time, her profile was gone.


Rock On,


Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Can I Borrow Anyone's Pipe and Smoking Jacket?

I was just invited to do my first reading.

Some guy found me thanks to me reallysmalltalk stuff and wants me to be part of some Brooklyn arts thingy ( on June 9th. The question now is what do I read? He asked for something "light" which precludes "The Fishkill Redemption" or even "Confessions of a Serial Dater." I'm thinking "NY Bar Scene" and "New Ideas for a New Millennium" are too short. "Busted" is too icky. "Night of the Living Jews was never a favorite of mine. Hmmm, I"m thinking it's gotta be "Blind Date Ambition" or "My Mom and Ray Romano."

Anyway, it's somewhere in Brooklyn, if anyone wants to go.

Rock On,


Thursday, May 24, 2007

Take My Mom...Please!

So last Friday semi-evening, I hosted a show at Gotham - mom came, and so did Lynda, chick I'm seeing - after the show, I introduce them, and after telling mom that Lynda writes novels, I make a joke about the type of stuff (chick-lit) Lynda writes...let's listen in, shall we?

Me - Yeah, her last book was called "Women Wear Shoes."

Lynda - It was not!

Mom - So what do you write about, like fashion?

Lynda - Does it look like I write about fashion?

Mom- No! It doesn't!

Me - Good night, everybody! You've been great!

Rock On,


Thursday, May 17, 2007


So I got into work fifteen minutes and already so bored that I googled myself and I found that yesterday, a piece of mine that I had submitted months ago was posted online! This is the second time this has happened (no, not me googling myself...that's a daily occurrence).

Anyway, Yankee Pot Roast is a really good site, right up there with McSweeney's (in fact they do an awesome parody of McSweeney's in their archive) check out their other stuff (as most is better than my piece).

Rock On,


Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Easy Come, Easy Go...Easy Come Again

So I'm at the dog run yesterday when Samantha calls me to break up. Maybe I'm not all that into her but my response was basically, "Ok, good luck!"

After we hang up, I'm like, "Shit! Who am I gonna take to see Ricky Gervais Saturday night?!?"

Five minutes pass. My phone rings again. It's Samantha.

"Umm, hi, I was wondering if it's possible for us to forget that I called before."
"I'm sorry?"
"Well, I don't want to break up."
"Okaaaay. Can I ask what happened in the last five minutes to change your mind?"
"Well, when I was doing it, it didn't seem right."
"Well, I've already moved on...I'm seeing someone else."

"I'm kidding! But you realize that I can't even send this out to my friends as an e-mail cause you'll sound insane."
"Yeah, sorry about this."
"No problem."

If she were a Gervais fan, I woulda been suspicious...but she's not, so she's just insane.

Rock On,


Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Mother's Day

What I wrote to mom in her Mother's Day card:

"I honestly couldn't have become a comic without you."

She's going to bring it to her office to show off.

Rock On,


Monday, May 7, 2007

Where's Security When You Need Them

So I hosted at Gotham on Friday night. Having told my mom that she can get n free when I host, she came with some of her work friends. It may be the last time I tell her that I'm hosting.

Before the show, I was hanging with one of the managers* when mom walks in. First thing she says...

"Hi want a banana?"

Truely a percursor of things to come.

So we start the show. As host, I'm starting the "Whereyafrom's?" I ask, "Anyone here from out of town?" Mom raises her hand.

"You're not from out of town, mom."
"Well, I was born in Kentucky."
"Yeah, but that's not what I asked."

Later on, I tell her that she's not supposed to talk to me on stage.

"Well, if you called, maybe I wouldn't have to."
"Oh, God help me." "Security?"

After the show, an audience member wanted to give me twenty bucks for my therapy.

Rock On,


Sunday, May 6, 2007

The Jerkstore Just Called...

Have a date tonight.

When someone at work walked by my desk as I was checking out her online profile and I told him that I was going out with her, he looked at her picture and said with his Italian accent, "Is she for real?"

Mike and I started dying laughing.

He may as well've asked, "Has she seen YOU?"

Rock On,


Wednesday, May 2, 2007

I'm Gonna Die Alone

You'd think now that I do comedy and write, it would really give me a edge with the ladies. I mean, usually, once someone asks me what I do for a living and I say, "Regulatory Accounting," she's asleep by the "count" part.

But now, my hobbies can fill up at least 30 minutes of conversation before they fall asleep.

There's just one problem with it.

The natural inclination is to "google" me... see if anything's out there about me. I know I would. The very first match that comes up is...


Super, I've managed to c**kblock myself.

Rock On,