Friday, October 31, 2008

no title

For some reason, even though Josie and I ain't rich, I assume other people who go to resorts are, and sometimes, I wonder how they made their money.

Yesterday, by the pool, we sat next to a guy who I'm pretty certain came by his wealth by having the good fortune of getting hit by a car with resultant brain damage and a large settlement.

Rock On,


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Live From the Cabo Azul Resort and Spa!


Lots to tell y'all, but if I spend too much time online, Josie will make herself a widow.

The wedding was better than we'd imagined and as good as we'd hoped. This resort rocks (though we did just sit with a Tom Skerritt lookalike, while he cut-up and ate spaghetti in front of us while trying to sell us a time share. Then he told how bad the spaghetti was.)

More in a day or two (or five).

Rock On,


Saturday, October 25, 2008

I Am Getting Maddied in Five Hours and Forty-Seven Minutes

The cupcake delivery service just called to confirm where they are delivering them.

Me: Um, no... that's not right. Here's the address...

I'm not telling Josie.

Rock On,


Thursday, October 23, 2008

Conversation Two Minutes Ago

After Josie and I recounted conversations we had with our respective moms...

Josie - What do you think would happen if our moms were stranded on a deserted island?
Me - We'd live in bliss?

Rock On,


Remember: The Wedding Is Saturday

Weather Forecast by day (via:

Today - "Abundant sunshine..."
Tomorrow - "Plentiful sunshine..."
Saturday - "Windy with Showers at times..."
Sunday - "Plenty of sun..."

Rock On,


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Important Wedding Question

Does "Eggbert" have one "g" or two? I thought two, but looking around the Internets, it looks like one is sufficient.

Rock On,


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Maybe We're Not Ready For Children

This past weekend, Josie and I went to a bud's co-ed baby shower. I'd never been to a baby shower before, so boy was I excited!


One of the games played at these things is called "Baby Bingo." Everyone gets a blank bingo card, and before any gifts are opened, you have to write down in each box potential gifts (rattler, stroller, etc) and the first to get a bingo, wins a prize.

Here are a few items Josie and I filled boxes with...

1. stuffed animal
2. lead paint
3. vicious pit bull
4. onesie
5. asbestos blanket (when they did get a blanket, I asked if it was asbestos laden)
6. throat-sized pebbles
7. sneakers
8. shards of glass

We lost.

Rock On,


Monday, October 20, 2008

Dumbest Strategy In Football

Last weekend, I was watching the Arizona/Dallas game. Towards the end of regulation, the Dallas kicker was about to try fora 50+ yard field goal when just as the ball was about to be snapped, the coach of Arizona called timeout. The field goal was blocked, but didn't count. After play resumed, he tried again, this time making the field goal.

This week, the same play occurred in the Jets/Oakland game (it prolly happens in a lot of games, I just don't watch a lot of games). The Jets kicker was about to go for a FG, he missed, but the Oakland coach had called TO, thereby nullifying the play. The kicker subsequently made the FG.

Let's forget about whether this is a ridiculous rule - fact is, a coach can call a TO anytime before the ball is snapped - nothing you can do about that. But should they?

It seems like a horrible strategy. I realize they are trying to "ice" the kicker, i.e. make him more nervous by making him wait longer. But isn't it more nerve racking to come into a game cold and be asked to kick a FG, rather than given one free practice?

The only practice he's gotten for the last few minutes was to kick the ball into one of those practice nets on the sideline. He has no idea how to play the wind, how straight he's hitting it, how sloppy the field is, etc. You're giving him all that information!

The funny thing is how it's almost become de rigueur for coaches to employ this strategy*, which means one thing: If you really hate the coach of your favorite team, jump off a bridge, he'll definitely follow you.

Rock On,


* The correct stratgey is the old one...where coaches called TO's to ice the kicker before he tried his first attempt. That way, he doesn't get any "real time" practice.

Moving Violation

So, our movers were really great - nothing broke and they finished our move faster than they'd guesstimated.

However, parking outside our new apartment, they got a ticket. They told me when the move was finished, while I was signing off on everything (the hours, satisfaction, etc.) The foreman said that if I didn't sign off on the ticket then I didn't have to pay it.
"Yeah, if you don't sign off, we pay it."
Feeling bad for the guys since they did a good job, I asked to clarify, "You mean you pay?"
"No, the company."
"Oh," I replied and after thinking about it, asked, "Then why would I sign it?"
"I wouldn't."
So, I didn't.

Afterwards, I wondered if I'd done "the right thing." I mean, it would be different if they'd asked if I wanted to take a chance...sorta laying it out for me, but they didn't. I don't think I did anything wrong from a moral perspective. Or did I?

Rock On,


Give Me Some Credit

Someone at work just asked if I'm freaking out cause I'm getting maddied this Saturday.
"Yeah, you look really calm"

What does she expect, my veins to be popping out of my head, eyes bulging out of their sockets, and me speaking in tongues?

I'm saving those for Friday.

Rock On,


Thursday, October 16, 2008

Wedding Teaser

Our DJ told us that our first song is the best he's heard in a long time.

He also said he couldn't find an edited version of F*** Tha Police, so, sorry Jill, your request is has been denied*

Rock On,


* We actually put it on the list, but the DJ's were like, "Do you really want that? I mean, it's cool with us, but if there are kids there..." and that was that.

Primer With Street Cred

Went to Home Depot to buy primer to repaint walls of old apartment before we moved. The guy behind the counter pointed us to Kilz 2.

If I owned that company, I'd get Ludacris or DMX to endorse it.

Rock On,



So, Josie and I moved yesterday. Yeah, we're exhausted, more deets later but for now, I'll tell ya...there may be nothing more embarrassing than having to call the super to ask how to turn the shower on.

Thankfully, Josie is doing that right now.

(Right, Josie?)

Rock On,


Bachelor Party! (The Speeded Up Final Chapter)

Long story short, we ate at Angelo and Maxie's - some wanted to go out afterwards, like you know, in a normal bachelor party, but I was already full and drunk, which was pretty much the goal of the evening. So I was happy to call it a 10:30 PM*, but not before my bro and I hit Cold Stone Creamery (or is it Stone Cold?) for ice cream.

As far as I'm concerned, steak, appletini's, and ice cream pretty much is the perfect night anyway.

Rock On,


* I can prolly get in the Guinness Book of World Records for "Earliest Time to Call It A Night On Your Bachelor Party"

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Bachelor Party! Part Tres

After the Gotham show, a couple of friends and I had a half-hour to kill before meeting the rest of my friends at Angelo and Maxie's.

So we went to Duke's, kind of a honky-tonk bbq joint.

My two buds got PBR's. When I ordered and Appletini, the waitress looked up from her pad and asked, "For real?"

"Yes, I never joke about Appletini's."

Rock On,


Monday, October 13, 2008

Bachelor Party! (Cont.)

I started the evening by performing at Gotham. Luck was with me as not only were there a couple of newbies performing (meaning they brought a lot of people), but a few of the comics didn't show. So I got to do about 12/13 minutes for the 50 or so people in attendance, who were very appreciative of my comedic stylings.

Though I don't usually get the free drink that performing comics get at the club, I did this time, figurin' an Amstel Light is a good, slow way to start what was sure to be a highlight-reel kinda evening full of, ummm, highlights.

To Be Cont....

Rock On,


Sunday, October 12, 2008

Bachelor Party

For the second and last time in my life, I had a bachelor party in my honor last night.

There were twenty-three people at my first bachelor party in 1992. There were ten at Angelo & Maxie's last night. That means one of two things, either 1) I was more popular back then, or 2) I am now more selective about whom I wanna hang with.

A couple of stories, manana.

Rock On,


Friday, October 10, 2008

Things I Said At Cigar Store

"Ick! It stinks in here!"

"Do you have any chocolate cigars?"

"Little humid...lemmee turn this thing off."

"Do you have any cigars that leave your breath minty?"

(Upon Leaving) "I think I just got cancer."

Rock On,


Pick Your Joke

Headline on -

Bush Says US Has Tool to Solve Market Crisis

1 - Bush added, "And I am that tool."


2 - Um, if ya have the tool, two weeks ago mighta been a good time to take it out of the shed.

Rock On,


Google Search

Someone found my blog yesterday by searching for "Do Dogs Fast On Yom Kippur?"

Unfortunately for him/her, I didn't answer that question. In case someone else finds me using a similar search (or if that person is now so hooked on my blog that they come back), I shall give you the answer now...

Only if they're Jewish.

Rock On,


Thursday, October 9, 2008

Dad and Fasting

As I'm sure most of you outside the midwest know, today is Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement. You are supposed to fast, I think, to cleanse your sins. I am not religious in the least, but I do fast.


My dad wouldn't work or even drive on the holier days, walking up to an hour to get to my mom's apartment (they were divorced). He always wanted us to be more religious, shaking his head when we weren't respecting our Jewish heritage in his eyes.

When I was younger, I'd fast as a game, just to see if I could make it. Of course, my dad thought it was great that I was fasting, even though he knew my motive wasn't exactly pure.

Now, I fast for a different reason.

R.I.P. Dad.

Rock On,


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Awesome Part 2

This guy just called again.

"Hi, this is Andy Engel from Comix. I think I sent you an e-mail yesterday."
"Uh, yeah, and I spoke to you on the phone about it."
"Oh, really? It's been a crazy few days here...refresh my memory."
"You said I had to bring fifteen people to perform. I said that I can't bring fifteen people. You said to let you know if anything changes."
"Oh, right...okay, sorry about that, but yes, gimmee a holla if anything changes."

Rock On,


Really Nice Of Him

A few years ago, someone at my job got married. Her name was Aleta, though I'm not sure if I'm spelling it correctly. As was customary for people getting married, the office got her a card and we took up a collection, ending up with $500. The Friday before her wedding, we shared cake and gave her the gift. On Monday, she called in to quit. That was the last time we took up a collection for anyone getting married.

This morning, we had a breakfast in honor of my wedding. Though there was nothing chocolate-filled. chocolate-covered, or chocolate-encased, it was fine.

When I got back to my desk, the head of one of our (only) revenue-producing lines came over, congratulated me, and gave me a card from him and his family. Even though we're worked together for eight years, we don't talk much except to exchange daily and/or bitch about the company. Very nice of him, I thought. Then I opened up the card.

Inside were twenty-five twenties.

Rock On,


I'm Laughing Though It's Not Really Funny

I got an email from Andy Engel, the New Talent Director at Comix Comedy Club.

He's offering a FREE DVD of your set when you book a New Talent Showcase spot by 12/31. Out of curiosity, I e-mailed back, asking when are the shows, how many people you have to bring, and how much time do I get on stage?

He wrote me, asking for my phone number - I assumed he wanted to discuss it, maybe even give me a special deal if he's trying to get this show off the ground.

When he called, the first thing he said was, "It's only seven bucks cover but you have to bring fifteen friends."
"Fifteen? I can't do that." More like, I don't wanna do that.
"Oh, okay, well, if your situation changes, call me."


Rock On,


Stand-Up Sabbatical

So, I lost.

This NYC Underground Comedy Festival sponsored show featured one comic who did about five minutes (out of seven) of fat jokes. Another who ran through about ten minutes of material, and another who ran off the stage before his time was up.

When I say it was a mediocre show, I'm being kind. And yet, I lost. To say I was pissed would be an understatement. I've always considered myself pretty honest at self-evaluation, and I really thought I had the best (and well-thought out) set. I got laughs throughout, even an applause break or two.

I lost.

But here's the thing - there were five judges. Five. How can I blame the judging when there were five of them? Logically, that doesn't make sense. And since I didn't think the winner was very good, that leaves only one reasonable conclusion....

I'm not very good.

In any event, I'm gonna take a comedy sabbatical. Need to recharge my batteries, re-tool my set, and well, decide what to do comedy career-wise.

But fear not! To the dozens who read this everyday (sometimes seven times a day - I'm lookin' at you Homer!), this blog will go on.

Rock On,


Tuesday, October 7, 2008


Got a big show tonight. It's actually my second important show in the past three weeks.

I hope this one goes better.

The key word tonight, for me anyway, is...Silence.

Rock On,


Monday, October 6, 2008

Saucer of Milk, Please

Scene - Back of a comedy club, a comic is on stage, not doing well. Jill Twiss and I are in the back, watching.

Jill - I'm impressed with how comfortable she appears, given all the silence.
Me - Well, she has a lot of practice.

Rock On,


Sunday, October 5, 2008

This One Is Brilliant!

Here's my latest installment of "Screenplay Ideas" -

This one will follow the concept if the mismatched buddy cop movie, where both cops are half-black and half-white.

The conceit is that one office has a white dad and black mom, whereas the other has a black dad and a white mom.

Hilarity ensues (and some crime-fighting)

Rock On,


Saturday, October 4, 2008

What's The Deal WIth Birthday's?!? Am I Right, People?!?

As you can imagine, anyone who even dabbles in comedy can tell you stories of strangers asking them to tell a joke. Or of giving them a joke for the stage. For me, depending on my mood, I'll either oblige, or ask for ten bucks, since that's what it would cost you normally to watch me work.

Last night, Josie and I went to a bud's birthday party. Twas truly a night to remember... at least as far as comedy goes (though nothing I'd use on stage).

When my bud announced that I was a comic, not only did pretty much everyone there ask me to do a few minutes (including my bud) but they (including Josie) started chanting, "COM! ED! DY! COM! ED DY!" I resisted.

After having sat at our table for about an hour, this woman sitting across from me said, "You're not a comedian, right?"
I replied, "That's right, I'm actually so humorless that my friends call me "The Comedian" in an ironical way.

Another guy told me had a joke for me to use. I don't really recall it other than that it involved a
"black man walking into a bar" and I told him after that I can't really use it cause, "I work clean."
"Oh... too bad."

When we said good night to my bud's parents his dad asked for a some jokes. I obliged, leaving them laughing.
"See? Was that so hard?" Josie asked.
"I guess not."

And as we were walking out another guest said, "You're leaving?"
"Come on, tell me a joke!"
"Fine...So, this black guy walked into a bar...."

Rock On,


Friday, October 3, 2008

Just Got Marriage License

Found out that not only can Josie change her surname, but I could change mine.

I may regret this after the initial sheen wears off but from now on, my official name is Harris Fancypants.

Rock On,


Thursday, October 2, 2008

Age Discrimination in Comedy

"Sorry, but I'm not going to book you at my, you're definitely funny, it's not that. It's because you're... black."

Would that conversation happen between a booker and a comic today? Hell no... the booker may not book the comic because he's black, but tell him/her some other reason.

And yet, it's perfectly fine for a booker to tell a comic that they aren't going to use them because they're too old. That's what happened to hilarious comic Robin Fox at a top NY club and Jerry Shack at another. Another comic, buddy Doug Adler, was told by a guy who runs festivals that his age will make it tough for him to get noticed.

Again, can you imagine if another comic were told that it would be tough to make a festival cause he was a Jew? (Unless, it was, like, "The Huntsville, Alabama Comedy Festival.")

On one hand, I do get it...some clubs seem to get a large percentage of younger audience members... it would make sense to have younger comics on the card. Though...good comics do well with any audiences...I've seen Robin Fox kill with twenty-somethings, and I've seen younger comics totally eat it with younger crowds.

And yeah, I get it...everyone's looking for "fresh, young faces" - the comics who will become the face of their clubs for years to come and get TV deals*, etc. - But here's the thing, we live in an age of NOW. Internet sensations become famous overnight, blogs turn into book deals after running for six months, etc. Who cares if Doug Adler won't wanna do comedy in ten years cause his arthritis is acting up (Note - Doug doesn't have least as far as I know)? All I know is that right now, he's out doing shows/open mics like 5/6 nights a is Robin...and Jerry.

At the memoir class I recently took, I learned that though publishers used to be very age-conscious, that attitude has changed, due to all the flame-outs of the younger writers, who either couldn't deal with the pressure, or just had one book in them.

I'm hoping the same happens in comedy, especially, since, you know, I'm getting older.

Rock On,


*Because you know, the young guns out in Hollywood have been doing so well deciding which sitcoms to air.

Where's Ian Ziering When You Need Him?

I watched part of the new Bevery Hills 90210 last night - holy crap, it's bad.

The dialogue is asinine and the "acting" is unbelievably poor.

My favorite cast member was Dylan, prolly cause he was unseen and unheard (Brenda was talking to him on the phone).

Rock On,


Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The NYC Underground Comedy Festival

Due to my age, it's not easy for me to get selected to perform at comedy festivals, where they're always looking for the fresh, young face.*

*It couldn't possibly be due to my lack of talent. Actually, I'll blog later, or manana, about age discrimination in comedy.

ANYWAY, though I was passed over for the main show in the NYC Underground Comedy Festival - I was selected to be in the "Best of the Rest" show. Man, do I hate that name. I hate it so much that I actually thought of declining the invite, but then decided to keep my nose.

If anyone reading this is in NY on Tuesday, October 7th, I'll be competing against the rest of the also-rans at HA! Comedy Club, in Times Square. Show starts at 7:30 PM - You can buy tickets here...

If you use "BOTR" in the discount code box, you get half off tickets.

Rock On,


It's Like Allergy Roulette

Saw this sign in Dunkin' Donuts...
They can't tell us if their Boston Creme donuts have peanuts?

Gotta Love The Upper West Side

Yesterday, I saw this kid in a stroller. He was on a cell phone.

I'm not sure who I wanted to smack more - the parents, or the kid.

Rock On,