Friday, January 30, 2009

Playing Catch Up

Ever feel like no matter how much you do, you're always playing catch-up?

I swear, every day it's the same thing - Do we watch stuff on the DVR, a movie we're holding from Netflix, or another episode of Veronica Mars, that Josie bought off Amazon?

It's a never-ending conundrum.


Thursday, January 29, 2009

I Present To You...The Bacon Explosion

I'm sure you've played the game, "What would you want to eat as your last meal?"

Depending on who you hang with, there could be an addendum onto that, something like, "...if you were on your deathbed?" or "...if you were being electrocuted for your crimes?"

ANYWAY, I think my answer has changed. It is now this.

I think it might be your last meal even if you weren't dying.


The Clinically Depressed Doll

There was a doll on The Island Of Misfit Toys that seemed normal. I found out the truth in the Wikipedia entry which I linked too...

Misfit Dolly, or "A Dolly for Sue (as she calls herself)" is a seemingly normal girl rag doll with red hair and a red gingham (checkered) dress. Her misfit problem is never explained on the special, but was revealed on NPR's Wait Wait… Don't Tell Me! news quiz show broadcast December 8, 2007. The show says that when Arthur Rankin (Rudolph's producer) was interviewed, he said Dolly's problem was psychological, caused by being abandoned by her mistress and suffering depression from being unloved.


How were we sposed to know that?

They should've shown her popping Prozac.

At the very least, they could've had her wandering the streets asking strangers, "Are you my mommy?"


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

We'll Get To You Sometime In 2011

Two weeks ago, Josie and I started sending out thank you cards for the wedding of the century. We wrote about ten of them, figuring we'll do ten a day and be finished in a week or so.

I think in the two weeks since, we've written five.

So, if yer waiting on one, ummm, I think we have a year, right?

And it prolly doesn't help that we sent one to someone who didn't go and didn't even send us anything.

She told my mom she was surprised to get one. She prolly thought we were being sarcastic a-holes for sending one to her. But not this time. We were just being disorganized a-holes.


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

This Time, It's Me

Josie and I agreed to bring cupcakes to my bud's Super Bowl party. Sending out an e-mail to those attending, he wrote that we are bringing "'Special' Cupcakes!"

I immediately thought of this, and sent an e-mail wondering if anyone's gonna eat them.

Josie thought of this, and thinks everyone will want them.

As they say in football - Upon further review, the call has been reversed. I think she's right (but they will be severely disappointed).


Thanks Facebook! (I Think)

Thanks to Facebook, I've reconnected* with a bunch of people I knew years ago. In fact, I just found out that my high school graduating class is having a reunion in May.

Here's my (verbal) impression of former classmates' after I tell them I'm an accountant:

- I woulda guessed that
- Uh huh
- Big shock there!

Here's my (verbal) impression of former classmates' after I tell them I also do stand-up comedy:

- What?!? You?!?
- Is there a definition of "stand-up comedy" that I'm not familiar with?
- No, seriously, what do you do?


* Technically, I'm not sure that I was ever "connected"

Monday, January 26, 2009

In His Shoes, I'd Do The Same

Joe Torre has a new book coming out. Supposedly, he has a lot of uncomplimentary things to say about his tenure in pinstripes.

I was talking to someone about it. He said, "I don't understand why he'd wanna write something like that...not like he needs the money."

I responded, "Actually, that's exactly why he'd write a book like that."


Puddle Jumper

My friend was telling me about her vacation, specifically how she took a plane to one island and then a puddle jumper to another.

Maybe it's cause I just saw Gran Torino, but I swear, the phrase "puddle jumper" sounds vaguely racist and/or derogatory.

Actually, in England it is. (I never knew it had so many meanings...check out number 7)


Sunday, January 25, 2009

Just My Opinion But...

It seems odd to me, culturally speaking, how TV shows seem to be getting better (e.g. Lost, The Wire, Arrested Development - all more intricate than ANY weekly TV show from even ten years ago) but movies are worse (e.g. I haven't seen a single comedy in the past five years that would make my top ten of all time).

I have no idea why.


Friday, January 23, 2009

Tonight, I Heckled A Brain-Damaged Comic

I had a spot at Gotham Comedy Club's New Talent Show tonight. One of the comics on the bill, let's call him "Bill," wore a suit with bow tie and drank Gatorade all night from some sort of canister. He walked with a pronounced limp and his speech was slurred. Bill explained from the stage that he had brain damage due to a car accident.

About two minutes into his set a couple of comics, me included, moved closer to the stage and started talking to each other. Loudly. On purpose. To the point where Bill had to say, "Can you guys keep it down?" We were unsure whether to stop, but we did...and laughed like hyenas (but quietly).

To explain why we did this, we should go back to the beginning of the show.

Just before the lights went down, Yonah, the guy who runs it, rounded up all the comics to tell them how it's gonna go down. Bill raised his hand and asks if some of the comics can heckle him from the audience.
Yonah told him that's unusual but if we want to do it, fine. I agreed to help out. Bill says to do it halfway through his set. We were ready...

And that's why we looked like a-holes for talking loudly during the brain-damaged comic's set.*


*We asked him what happened after he came off - he said that it was too soon in the set.

Obama's Favorite Blog

Look, I'm not the braggy type, but let's just say that since Obama took office, there's been someone in Washington D.C. who has checked out my blog on a daily basis.

(Hmmm.... wonder if I can get him to link to it from his blog.)


Thursday, January 22, 2009

I Was Just Reminded At Work...

How much I hate to listen to someone slurp soup.

Thank you Pandora (and Motley Crue).


In The News

I was watching CNBC last night when hey had a "breaking news alert" on the bottom of the screen maintaining that Caroline Kennedy had dropped out of contention to fill Clinton's Senate seat, according to The NY Post...

The NY Post?

Are they really the most reliable authority for breaking news? For those that aren't familiar with The Post, it's a tabloid, best described as a combination of The National Enquirer and FOX News.

I can't wait till next week when they run...


Actually, I wonder if in 1982 they ran this alert....

BREAKING NEWS - Headless Body Found In Topless Bar!!!!


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Times They Are A' Changin'

After an announcement over the loudspeaker, someone leaned over to me on the subway platform and said, "This really is a new era. I could hear what they said."


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

So What? I'll Tell You So What

I really like Pink's So What.

It's a defiant eff-you to her ex-husband. One of the better break-up songs out there.* Then I saw the video.

I'm not sure why Pink went the director's vision (or if that's what she meant all along), but it shows her totally broken up about how it all went the song is more like a front for her hurt feelings.

Sometimes, I wish there were no videos, which is definitely something Billy Squier and I agree on (That video still kills me, in a hilarious he-just-killed-his-career kinda way)).


*None will top Stabbing Westward's Violent Mood Swings.

The Machine

Caroline Kennedy is the front runner to take over Hilary Clinton's Senate seat. Sarah Palin complained about the double standard (too lazy to link to clip) - how Kennedy gets treated with kid gloves by the media, how her inexperience is labelled as a good thing whereas the media scoffed at Palin's inexperience, how Kennedy's missteps have been glossed over, etc...

And she's right.

It is ridiculous that we're about to have a senator with absolutely zero public office experience, someone who was very choosy about whom she lets interview her and who's interviews thus far have been far from inspiring.

But I hope she gets it.

The only reason I want her in is cause she was part of Obama's inner circle during his campaign and it would be good for New York.

So basically, I'm rooting for an unconventional outside-the-box choice because she is part of the machine.



Went to Boston this weekend to visit friends. I like Boston. I really do... in fact, if Josie and I were to move anywhere, Boston would be at the top of the list. Having said that I think it's funny how when we were leaving, we saw a giant billboard trumpeting new apartments that were "Just Like SoHo!"

Another bizarre thing is how their version of the subway, as clean as it is, stops running at like 12:30 every night! I'm not sure when bars close but I'm thinking around 2 AM.

It's almost like they're encouraging drinking and driving.


Monday, January 19, 2009

Gran Torino Movie Review

This movie is hilarious.

No, seriously, between Clint Eastwood's voice (which sounds like Christian Bale's when he was Batman), the never-ending plethora of racial epithets (Dragon Lady?), the wooden acting (besides Eastwood) and the paint by numbers plot, which ended all too predictably, we didn't stop laughing.*

Thumbs up (if you want to laugh).


* I prolly should mention that we had these strange-tasting cookies before watching the movie.

Friday, January 16, 2009

I'm Like Sherlock Holmes

Our neighbors have been gone for a few days. I know this cause their newspaper delivery is piling up. One puzzling thing - they left the day after it rained and their shoes are outside the door.

Why wouldn't they take the shoes in, unless they wanted people people to think they were home...but then why not cancel the newspaper delivery while they are gone?

I suspect foul play.

Josie and I aren't big fans of them, and I know I didn't do anything.



Thursday, January 15, 2009

Squirrel Man

Went to Texas BBQ for some take-out.

After I ordered and was standing to the side, this squirrelly looking guy walked in and asked the cashier, "I know a chicken sandwich is eight dollars and sixty six cents, but, can I have onions on it for a total of nine dollars?"
The cashier replied, "Sure."
"Can they be grilled?"
"I'm sorry bit we only have fried."
After thinking about it, Squirrel Man said, "Okay, I'll take it!" He paid and stood next to me.
"What are you getting?"
"Me?" I stuttered, really not wanting to get into a conversation with him, "I got a salmon burger."
"I didn't even know they had salmon." He ran to the cashier.
"Can I change my order?"
"No, it's already in."
Squirrel Man walked back to me.
"It was too late."
"I saw. Sorry."
"Ah, I'll get it next time."

When his take-out was ready (I guess chicken is faster to make than salmon), he opened his bag on the counter and asked for more pickles and tomatoes. The cashier shot me a look before getting them.
Upon reviewing it, Squirrel Man asked, "Can I have more pickles, please?"
"Okay." He shook his head in my direction, before retrieving them.
When he handed them over, he sarcastically asked, "Would you like more lettuce?"
"No, thank you," Squirrel Man answered, before leaving.
When he left, the cashier asked, "Can you believe that guy?"
I shook my head while smiling.

Ten seconds later, Squirrel Man walked back in.
"If it's not too late, I would like more lettuce."


Yes, Even Knight Rider

This is the headline on an ad I saw while perusing Craigslist -

Comedians wanted for QPTV's #1 Hit Show In Its Time Slot

Isn't every show #1 on its channel in its time slot?


Good Timing

Josie and I are going to Boston this weekend. I just checked the weather, and tomorrow night, it's supposed to be four degrees.

I hope it's not going to be windy, so it'll be a warm four degrees.


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I May Be Taking Them Too Literally

I'm always mildly creeped out when someone divulges that they have a thick skin.


Facebook Searching

My favorite past time used to be googling myself (yeah, like you don't). Now, it's to remember people from my past and do a Facebook search...see what they're up to.

Half the time, I don't contact them, even if I do find them. After all, usually, there's a reason I haven't spoken to you in twenty years.


My Review Of The New Season Of American Idol In (Barely) One Word...



Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Get Him A Body Bag! Yeaaahhh!!

I used to worry that Temp Dude would kill me, but I swear, if he asks me one more time, "When's your next show?" I may be the one led out of here in 'cuffs.


Monday, January 12, 2009

That's A New One

On the elevator down to leave The Garden, we ran across a dude on crutches. We asked him how he broke his leg.
"A cannonball fell on my foot at a Civil War Reenactment."
My friend asked, "Did they have you bite down on a leather strap while they sawed off your leg?"


Rooting For The Bulls (Not The Ones From Chicago)

For some reason, the Professional Bull Riders Tour landed at Madison Square Garden this weekend. Then again, in a city of eight million people, I'm sure we have our fair share of people who enjoy watching men wearing Wrangler jeans and protective headgear try to stay on a bull who very clearly doesn't want him on for eight seconds. I'm just not sure why.

I went because I have a friend who was able to procure his company's box suite. This means I had access to all the beer, wine, hamburgers, hot dogs and (most importantly) cookies that I could stuff into my mouth (or put in my pockets). Heck, I'll prolly see The Jonas Brothers if I was told there'd be cookies*.

The show started with a bang, literally, in a display of fireworks that woulda made the WWE jealous. After announcing all of the riders and how much dirt they brought in (70,000 pounds, I think), the competition started.

It was pretty much what I expected (though I didn't expect to feel bad for the bulls..I swear, gimmee a couple of years, I'll be chaining myself to horses in Central Park, demanding their freedom). Guys riding bulls, bulls trying to buck guys, sometimes successful, sometimes not. We couldn't make heads or tails of the scoring, though apparently there were style points given No apparent injuries, though I'm guessing in twenty years half the riders will be walking with a cane.

The weirdest part was how it ended. The last guy rode and then...that was it. No announcement, no fanfare, no nothing. I wasn't sure it was even over until all the riders came out to sign autographs for fans at floor level.

I was so thrown that I almost forgot to stuff as many cookies into my pockets as possible before leaving.


* btw - The box is equipped with a couple of TV's (presumably in case what we're there for sucks). These TV's look like they're from the '80's. With the amount people pay for those tix, you'd think flat screens would be in order. I'm jus' sayin'.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Mamma's Boy

As longtime readers know (as well as short-time readers), my mom says whatever comes to her mind... no filter at all. It's a trait that I've inherited.

Visiting friends who just had a baby today, I asked how they came up with their baby's name, Bilal.
When told they wanted an ethnic Pakistani/Muslim name, I replied, "Oh, I thought it was an alternative name for Satan."


(As it turned out, I was wrong...slightly)


Aiming Low

I hosted a show tonight. When I asked the audience what New Years Resolutions they had, one guy said, "Not to get arrested."

And we were off...


Saturday, January 10, 2009

Only In New York (and maybe LA.)

On the way to Five Napkin Burger (highly recommended, by the way), Josie and I were walking behind a couple of forty-ish year old guys having a conversation...

"This year, I gotta have less drama in my life."
"Yeah, me too."
"No more patching up bullet holes in my brother."
"I'm with ya dude."
"That shit shouldn't be in your life. You should have to go to movies to see that shit!"

If we weren't late, we would've turned the corner when they did.


Friday, January 9, 2009


Bloom Nation (patent pending) welcomes a new link to my list of approved links (at right).

So, congratulations, 1001 Things Not To Do Before You Die... I only hope your server can handle all the traffic my approval will bring.


Thursday, January 8, 2009

The Good Ol' Days

Friends and I were talking about how when we grew up, a lot of our favorite shows explained their plots through a (goofy) theme song, like The A-Team, The Incredible Hulk and The Greatest American Hero (though the song doesn't tell you he doesn't know how to use his suit, the pictures do).

It's probably not a coincidence that my favorite sitcom is My Name is Earl (I can't find the intro video or music anywhere).


My Wife May Need An Intervention

As you know (or should, being a faithful reader and all), my wife works as a therapist, specializing in sexual assault cases. She's attending some classes to get a new license.

The teacher asked everyone to tell the class about what they do to unwind. Josie said, "I watch Intervention," which is a reality show on A & E, dealing with peoples' addictions.

She wasn't even kidding.


Wednesday, January 7, 2009

There But By The Grace Of Me Not Skiing Go I

Did you see this story?

I think my favorite part is thinking what it was like for him to be dangling, pants less, for seven minutes from the lift, while other skiers encircled him taking pictures. I wonder if he felt like a movie star?

Also, where was his underwear?


May I Turn The Page, Now?!?

Reading the newspaper over strangers' shoulders in the subway is de rigueur in NYC. What isn't normal is what happened to me this morning. I was standing, turning the page, when I heard the gentleman below me.

"Can you turn back a page?"


Tuesday, January 6, 2009

We Need A Universal Definition of "Stand-Up Comedian."

(This is really only gonna be funny to comics)

I went to an open mic last night which was MC'ed by (what I assumed was) an intern at the club. He couldn't have been more than eighteen years old.

One of his jokes began, "Being a stand-up comic is expensive...." I was thinking, "Wow, he does
real shows?"

His joke continued with, "...paying five bucks every time you get on stage adds up...."

That wasn't the punchline (the joke went on), but it was for me.


Monday, January 5, 2009

Now, I Care

As written previously, Temp Dude talks to himself. I don't really care.

I care a little more when, as I've heard more recently, he's also cursing during these conversations.

Friday, he was talking to himself, cursing, AND I think I heard my name in there.


I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up

Being hunched over due to a back ache isn't a sign you're getting older.

Being hunched over due to a back ache for five days (and counting) is.


Friday, January 2, 2009

My New Years Eve Story

Josie, her friend from Syracuse (their alma mater), and I went to my bud's apartment to celebrate (quietly) New Years Eve.

Around 10:30 PM, my bud (who I grew up and went to Queens College with) went into his bedroom to "rest his eyes." Ten minutes later, we heard snoring.

Not that I can say much, the next hour and a half consisted of me sitting in a chair and Josie asking, "Harris? You awake?" every fifteen minutes.

Syracuse 2...Queens College 0.



Due to a sketchy back, I stopped doing squats at the gym.

I missed them (sorta) so yesterday, I did squats using a machine that keeps one's back straight so it shouldn't hurt it.

I hurt it.

Can barely sit upright today.

happy new year


New Years Resolution

Last year, it was to join a gym...check.

This year?

It's to go to the gym.

happy new year.