Friday, June 16, 2006

I Couldn't Help Myself

Bronwen and I were taking Stewie for a walk on Saturday. We were on the elevator when a woman got on. After riding in silence for a bit, I asked Bronwen, "What kind of dog is that?"

She looked at me with one eyebrow cocked in a "Uh oh, what are you gonna do?" way. Before she could ruin my fun, I said, "He's ugly."

The woman laughed. Bronwen shook her head, and felt the need to explain that "He's the father."

Rock On,


Thursday, June 15, 2006


So starting tomorrow, we are interviewing to fill the serial killer's position (see below)

I told my boss that, not that I don't trust him, but I wanna interview candidates as well. I really dont know what the person will be doing and quite frankly, I dont care. I do have some questions though....

1. If a masked gunman entered the office and told you that he's either gonna kill 10 random people in the office or me, which would you choose?

2. If you are told that you have to get in early for a meeting, is your first reaction...

A. No problem. I'm a team player.


B. Then I'm leaving early.

3. Someone's brought in a box of Godiva chocolates and left them in the kitchen for all to share. There are approx. 40 chocolates and 40 employees. How many do you take?

A. It wouldn't be fair to take more than one.


B. As many as I, I mean you, can shove into your mouth, pockets and an empty cup which you will pretend to sip from as you walk back to your desk.

4. Circle one - Generally speaking, I LIKE/DISLIKE people.

5. Do you have ANY hopes of progressing i your career? And I'm talking any speck or sliver of hope.

6. Do you anticipate eating any food that makes a loud crunch, like pretzels? Do you mind if I do?

7. At the copier, you see that someone has left important looking documents. Do you...

A. Give them to that person


B. Mutter "idiot" under your breath, read them, and put them aside to make your copies.

8. Does your answer change in #7 if I was the idiot?

9. The guy who sits next to appears to do no work - a far as you can tell, he spends his days surfing the Internet and writing something non-work related (for all the time he spends writing, it could be a book!) - Are you...

A. Angry since he should he carrying his weight


B. In awe of him and hoping he will take you under his wing.

10.. Do you find my looks intimidating?

Rock On,


Tuesday, June 6, 2006


At NYCC's open mic on Monday night, I won a guest spot on their pro show. The MC gives it out , to who he thinks had teh best set.

Well, on Tuesday I went to another open mic, and this ditzy chick from the one on Monday sat next to me. We make small talk though I answer curtly as I really wasn't all that interested.
She sees this other dude from the Monday mic walk in. He did really well too.
She said to me, "Remember him from last night?"
"I really thought he was gonna win." I looked up at her, smiling widely.
She innocently replied, "No?"


Rock on,


Friday, June 2, 2006


I'm still in shock over what happened yesterday in my office. My boss called me into his office and asked me to close the door. Apprehensively, I sat. Then he told me something I never thought I'd hear for as long as I work here...

The 49 year old quiet serial killer who lives with his parents and sits next to me who's worked here for 14 years....quit.
Apparently, he's saved enough that he doesn't have to work anymore.

Between that and that storm last night, I'm pretty sure The Apocalypse is upon us (not to mention 6-6-06 next week - another Omen?)

I told my boss that I want to be part of the process. I ain't working next to two morons who I cant stand (unless it's my fault).

So if you know anyone with 2-4 years of General Ledger experience, here's what we're looking for (per me)...

1. Shouldn't be ambitious - that's number one - there's no room for advancement so if that's what you're looking for, you might as well just bang your head into a wall.

2. Can't be religious - All I need is another religious knucklehead to bond with the first religious knucklehead.

3. Should like sports - It's unfathomable to me that I work in a Wall Street firm and I cant talk sports with anyone here - it's like The Bizarro Firm.

4. If I grumpily answer the first question or two you ask, you should just leave me alone - It means that I'm not in the mood - whether it's work, Pedro Martinez's outing , or whatever....sometimes, I just wanna stare at my computer. I'm fairly certain that you will consider me "The Cool Guy" here and you'll wanna impress me like a puppy dog to his master...but don't. It'll only annoy me.

5. If I then start talking out of nowhere, you should talk too - It means that I'm now in a better mood and can deal with you.

6. Don't ever say "Good morning" to me. For some reason, that phrase annoys me. "What up?" or "how's it going?" will suffice.

7. If you ever get Ring Dings downstairs, you better damn well get me too...or be prepared to share yours.

8. Only say "dude" if you mean it in a disparaging way.

9. You'd better think "Don't Post a Picture if You're Ugly" is the best book title ever.

10. You have to love stand up comedy and have friends who wanna see lots of shows.

I think that's it for now.

Rock On,