Thursday, January 31, 2008

Aitch Sez...

Do not drink water when choking. It only makes one choke more.... And it stains your shirt.

Rock On,


Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Does Anyone Else Smell Salisbury Steak and Apple Cobbler?

As long-time readers know, and by "long-time" I mean for a month or so, our office microwave was in the hallway, near the elevator and the bathroom. Well, they had to move it, something about a fire hazard.Whatever...

ANYWAY, the kitchen is still too small, so they decided to place it by our cubicles, here:

That's the view from my desk.

Speaking of salisbury steak...what the hell is it? It's not steak...and I've never seen it on a menu or in a supermarket. Did Swanson's invent it?

Rock On,


Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I Gotta Start Takin' The Stairs

I've decided to camp out in front of Gotham Comedy Club next Wednesday evening to audition on Thursday for Last Comic Standing.

Wow - that was easy to type. I wish it was as easy to say last night...

Going into my apartment building after walking my dog, I ran into the owner of a local comedy club. I run into him once in a while, and quite frankly, I get a lil tongue tied. Like this time several weeks ago...

I Suck

Part of the problem is that I live on the second floor, so, assuming the elevator takes a second to close, we move beyond the "How goes it?" question, but don't really have enough time for the "So, what's new?" follow-up.

ANYWAY, as the door closed, he asked if if I was trying out for Last Comic Standing.

I replied, "Yeah, actually, I um, am, I'm even gonna be in a tent with my friend, umm, Josh Homer."

By the time I spit it out, the door opened to my floor and I gave him a quick "seeya" and stepped out.

Great, now he prolly thinks I'm a prop comic.

rock on,


Shhhh!...And turn Off the Lights!

I was watching The Today Show this mornin'. One of the annoying hosts was reporting from London. She mentioned how they fly their flag at Buckingham Palace when the Queen is home but not when she's out.

I pictured some Jehovah's Witness going over:

"Hi, I'd like to speak to the Queen."
"I'm afraid she's not home."
After peeking at the front lawn, JW replies, "Umm, I see the union jack. I know she's home."
The butler looks at the flag, and then back at the JW. "Fine! I'll get her!"

He closes the door and all we hear is, "Yo, Liz! Someone here to see you!" After hearing a garbled female voice, we hear the butler again, "Yeah, the Jack did us in again!"

rock on,


Monday, January 28, 2008

I Smell A Grammy

I was at my bro's yesterday, hangin' with the fam. At one point, my four year old nephew wanted to play "Rock Band."

He "played" his drum set. His grandma "played" guitar, and I played the plastic drill (there were no more instruments).

Imagining what we looked like, I decided to name our band Three Generations of Crazy.

Rock On,


Sunday, January 27, 2008

I Guess He Didn't Make Good Eye Contact

When Joe Gibbs retired a few weeks ago as coach of the Washington Redskins, they interviewed the team's defensive coordinator, Gregg Williams, for the job. He didn't get it.

Yesterday, I read that they fired him as defensive coordinator too.

Man, he must be horrible at interviewing!

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Last Night's Open Mic

So last night, I braved the fairly frigid cold, on a Friday night no less, to sit in the basement of a Hawaiian themed, Korean owned, Mexican restaurant for two-hours so I could work on six minutes of material for a show I'm doing tomorrow night. Oh yeah, and there was no heat.

I'd been to this mic before, in fact, one time led to one of my favorite open mic stories. But alas, nothing that funny occurred. Actually, there was very little funny about it, which isn't a good thing when you're talking about a comedy show (but not surprising for an open mic).

One guy's act featured punchlines of how his goal is to strangle his wife with his bare hands. Another dude did "performance art," which apparently is when a person says and does anything (or nothing) and calls it"art." And a "performance."

My "favorite" guy spent his entire time on the mic screaming curses. The owner came down at one point to tell him to keep it down (they had tourists eating tacos upstairs) or he was gone. Of course the comics ate it up.

When the host reclaimed the stage, he told a story of first seeing this dude doing his act and how the audience just sat there slack-jawed, but the comics in back were rolling. I couldn't help but wonder why he was stating this admirably, like it was a good thing.

Me? I did my six minutes in relative silence, and left. I couldn't be happier for either.

Rock On,


Friday, January 25, 2008


Continuing with my Dunkin' Donuts fascination, I've noticed that not only do they have the aforementioned triple chocolate chip muffins, but they also now serve hash browns, Milky Way hot chocolate and pizza!

I believe history will regard this as their counter-offensive on America's War on Obesity.

Either that, or they actually agree with me - There's no way to improve on the donut.

Rock On,


Thursday, January 24, 2008

The Moment of Truth

I have to admit, I was really looking forward to watching Fox's latest attempt to strike reality gold in The Moment of Truth.

For those who haven't heard of it, it's a quiz show where someone answers increasingly embarrassing questions...all with their spouse/partner/whatever watching. The coming attractions had questions like "Do fat people repulse you?" and "Do you think you will still be married to your husband in five years?" It's kinda like a quiz version of The Jerry Springer Show.

So I watched.

My review? Meh minus.

Here's the thing: After the host asks a question, like, "Since you've been married, have you ever flirted on the Internet?" the contestant pauses, before answering, "No." They always pause. Why? It's not like they're gonna fool the lie detector... and if they lie, we're gonna know. It's an annoying way to attempt to build tension (much like after the answer, several seconds go by before we hear whether he/she was lying).

Here's another problem, at least as far as I'm concerned: Let's say, they ask if he's cheated on his spouse and he answers "yes." The studio audience will hoot and hollar, but honestly, who cares? I don't know these people. Millions of people cheat. Big deal.

It's not like it's my girlfriend on the show, answering crap that even I don't wanna hear.

Rock On,


The Moment of Too-Much-Truth

Josie and I watched The Moment of Truth last night. If you're not familiar with the show, the host asks contestants increasingly embarrassing questions for money. The contestant is hooked up to a lie detector so he/she can't lie. I've do a review later today but it'll only be on the first half of the show. Here's why...

The question was "Have you ever had sex with someone the day you met them?"
Josie blurted out, "Anyone who's been to college has done that."
After staring at her for a sec, I replied, "You do realize that they're only answering these questions because there's money involved."

I tuned out the rest of the show.

Rock On,


Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Potential Blog Names For Cast of The Shawshank Redemption

Continuing this incredibly popular bit....

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Bloggin'

He Vanished Like a Blog in the Wind!

Blog is a Good Thing, Maybe the Best of Things, and No Good Thing Ever Dies.

Some Blogs Aren't Meant To Be Caged. Their Fonts Are Just Too Bright.

Yeah, Thanks But No Thanks

A couple of weeks ago, I almost fainted in the subway. I prolly woulda if I didn't take a seat. Curious what happened, I went to my doc, who took blood and did an EKG. Nothing came up so he sent me for a tilt table test.

This morning was said test. I went to NYU Hospital, signed the necessary documents, and was called in by the nurse. She asked if I knew what the test was.
"Basically, you strap me to a table for like an hour, and slowly tilt it to see if I faint."
"Right... but we also give you an intravenous line."
"Huh? Why?"
"Well, if we can't induce a fainting spell, we try inject you with (something) to make it happen."
"Say wha'?"
"You're gonna make me faint?" I started to feel faint.
"That's the see how your body reacts."
"But, I only had one episode."
"Well, it is unusual for someone without repeated problems to take this test. It's up to you."

That's all I had to hear...I was gone.

Before leaving, she did recommend that I try to get a seat on the subway to avoid a repeat (assuming I did have this vaso-kegel something or other), so if you see me pushing a pregnant woman holding a baby out of the way to grab a seat on the subway, I hope you understand.

Rock On,


Tuesday, January 22, 2008

How Comics Roll

A friend of mine came up to me after a show last week, and gushingly said, "You were great!"
As I began to bask in the glow of my greatness, she added, "Much better than the last time I saw you!"

Ex-squeeze me?

After her husband explained the sour look on my face, she fell over herself explaining that she didn't mean I was bad before, just that I'm great now.

But the damage was done.

I think only a comic can turn what was meant as a compliment, into an insult.

Rock on,


Stock Tip of the Day

Throw a flux capacitor into your DeLorean, and set it for something around March of '07.

Then sell your stocks.

You're welcome.

Rock On,


Like Apples and Apples

I never really thought about it, but last night I realized that Josie's job is exactly like mine...we both try to make people feel better.

She does it by counseling rape victims, and I, by telling dick jokes.


Rock On,


Monday, January 21, 2008

The Fugitive....

So, I'm watching The Fugitive for the seven hundred sixty-third time, and yet, something new just occurred to me....

Why didn't the guilty doctor just tell the cops where Kimble was? He knew that Kimble was looking into the whole thing, and that he was brilliant.

That's it...I'm not watching it again.

Rock On,


Saturday, January 19, 2008

Now, THAT'S composure!

I'm watching Deliverance right now on one of the 74 cable channels I rent.

Everyone remembers the Ned Beatty "squeal like a pig" scene. But I think my favorite part of that is right after, when the perpetrators approach his bud (I believe played by Jon Voight), who has been tied to a tree with his own belt.

Voight, though scared, puts his pipe back into his mouth.

That kills me.

UPDATE - I am now watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I couldn't believe how much older Judge Reinhold looks compared to the other high school students, so I looked up how old he was in 1982, when the movie was made.

He was 25.

Rock On,


This Counts For Yesterday...

Hosted an early show (6:30) last night at Gotham Comedy Club. There were 12 people in the audience...and it wasn't a good 12 person audience.

I don't like to insult the crowd, not my style, but I was tempted to ask if they spoke English.

On another note, auditions for Last Comic Standing are at Gotham on Feb 7th. Of course, we all know what happened the last time I "tried" out.

As of now, I am seriously considering giving it another go, and to make sure I don't get a repeat of last time, I would prolly sleep there overnight with the other morons.

Stay tuned.

Rock On,


Thursday, January 17, 2008

I Could Climb Trees With Those

Went to the doc today to have her check out my chronic knee pain.

She asked me to take off my pants, shoes and socks. I really wish I realized last night that she'd wanna check out my feet...or at the very least, I wish I carried around nail clippers.

Rock On,


And to Think, I Used to Like the British

So I MC'ed a show last night at The World Famous New York Comedy Club. There's something about the club that brings out the worst in patrons, like here and here.

About a third the way through the show, prolly after her two-drink minimum was already satisfied, a woman from England decided to become part of the show. At first, she made an innocuous comment or two during my in-between comic banter, which is fine. But eventually, she became a problem, so much so, that I felt the need to announce that though anyone can talk while I'm up, that the comics had great prepared material and dont want audience participation.

Even after I walked over to her (and her husband) and explained that they're about to be removed from the club, she persisted.
"But in England, it's expected to talk back to the comics."
"You're not in England."
"Okay, I promise to be quiet."

She didn't keep her promise. In fact, she got worse, not letting comics finish jokes. I tried, this time from the stage to shut her up...
"Yo England, we beat you over 200 years ago... get over it. I know you're pissed that you're not a superpower anymore, but if it makes you feel better, in fifty years, we wont be either."

Got some laughs, but obviously not the greatest silencer. Another comic was far bolder, trying to get the crowd against her...
"By applause, who here wants Ms. England to keep talking?" Silence. "Who wants her to shut the fuck up?" Wild applause.
"Okay," she agreed, "I get the hint." Hint? That was closer to dropping an anvil on her head.

ANYWAY, she didn't get the hint. She continued to interrupt the show. It reached a boiling point, two hours in, when a comic, let's call him Alan Smithee, lost his cool, walked off stage - mid act, mind you - and confronted her. I had already taken the stage, and watched it unfold. I thought he might hit her husband (or her) but Alan just shouted his complaint to her and walked out.

There was an awkward silence, which I let linger for five seconds, and broke with, "Alan Smithee, everyone! Alan Smithee!"

Rock On,


Sorry, Wrong Floor...Oooh, Can I Have Some Popcorn?

As I've mentioned, my office has moved. We are currently in a temporary space in our parent company's building until our floor is renovated. The kitchen is so small that there's no room for the microwave. It is here...

If you're wondering where that's the hallway, right after stepping off the elevator. Here's a better pic...

The bathroom is right there as well. That's Temp Boy, after leaving the bathroom.

Enjoy your Lean Cuisine!

Rock On,


Wednesday, January 16, 2008

I Wish I Were Joking

I walk in the morning and Temp Boy has two more jokes for my act....

Joke Number One - If monkeys love to eat bananas and squirrels like to eat nuts, women love to eat a bandanna while holding two nuts.

(btw - I know that I didn't hear him incorrectly cause he actually typed it out for me).

Joke Number Two - Why did it take the giraffe a week to understand the joke? Give up?....Cause of his long neck.

I made the mistake of saying, "But, their ears are next to their brain... the info wouldn't have to travel through their neck."

Steadily, he answered, "But giraffes listen with their butt."

Mike, who sits between us, asked, "You got it?"

I nodded, and then wrote this post.

Rock On,


Tenth in a Series

What none of you have been waiting for...

My latest piece at reallysmalltalk about stand-up comedy.

Rock On,


Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Word to the Wise

Don't eat a chicken in a pita from the outdoor vendor on Wall Street, half a block up from William Street, unless you have nothing to do for the rest of the day.

Unless you just like going to the bathroom.

Rock On,


Dunkin Donuts' Triple Chocolate Muffins

So, I had one of Dunkin Donuts' Triple Chocolate Muffins.

It tasted like chicken.

Kiddin' - It's (obviously) rather chocolately. So much so, that it may be too much chocolate at 7:30 AM for some, like Josie. I ate the last quarter of hers.

To me, it's what I imagine Breakfast in Heaven would be (with a side of bacon). Assuming there is a heaven...and you eat there.

The muffin top was slightly hard, slightly chewy and chocolatey. The bottom was soft, spongy and chocolatey. The middle was moist, delicate, and yes, chocolatey.

As alluded to in the hyperlinked post, I'm pretty sure there's a connection between DD calling these "muffins" and the obesity problem in the country.

I'm too lazy to research, but I'm still not sure what makes it "Triple." It's made with chocolate batter...there are chocolate chips...I THINK there also may be chocolate chunks. If not, I have no idea.

Final Thought - If you like chocolate, you'll like Dunkin Donuts' Triple Chocolate Muffins...but maybe not so much at 7:30 AM.

Rock On,


Monday, January 14, 2008

Why Me?

So The Temp just told me he has a great joke for my act.
"Ok, shoot," I said, as I rolled my eyes towards co-cubicle habitant Mike.
"There is a bathhouse where the changing room is across the street," Temp Boy started. He paused.
"Yeah?" I asked.
Looking at Mike and then me, he responded, "That's it."
Mike and I then looked at each other.
"Is that true?" I asked.
"No, I told you, it was a joke."
Mike explained, "No, it wasn't."

UPDATE: Because he assumed I didn't understand the joke, he drew me a picture. There's a building marked "BATH HOUSE" - a street, with two cars on it - and on the other side, a box, with a sign next to it: CHANGING ROOM.

UPDATE NUMBER TWO: He has a new joke for me...

Q - How many bald guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A - Wrong Question.... A bald guy is a lightbulb.

Just freakin' shoot me.

Rock On,


First Impression

Over the weekend, I had dinner with about twenty-five of Josie's relatives. It was the first time I met her extended family.

May've made a faux pax when I noticed a picture of The Last Supper on the wall and asked her 91 year old grandfather, "Which one is Brutus?"

If he didn't know I was Jewish, he does now.

Rock On,


The UnAmazing Race

So Josie loves The Amazing Race... since we have but one television (and god forbid I read or something), I have watched this season along with her.

I know it wins the Emmy for Best Reality Series every year (which, by the way, is like being the tallest midget in the circus), but I don't care...the show doesn't work.

It's ridiculous how every episode some teams perform the tasks faster than others, and yet they all get bunched up anyway because the airport doesn't open till 10 AM. Shouldn't there be some advantage to getting to the airport first?

ANYWAY, I was so excited that Nate and Jenn lost last night, I couldn't fall asleep. I woulda been doubly pissed if I watched the whole season, AND they won. But thankfully, I can watch the final episode in peace.

Now, I just gotta pray that Omarosa gets kicked off The "Celebrity" Apprentice.

Rock On,


Friday, January 11, 2008

Thanks Cymbalta!

The new commercial for Cymbalta kills me.

So let's say you're depressed. You just got fired, you're three months late with mortgage payments, your wife is unhappy, whatever....

You wanna escape for a couple hours, but you're too broke to even get drunk, so you decide to numb yourself with a lil American Gladiators action (substitute any stupid TV show you prefer).

After a few minutes, you feel your body relax. You sense some of the tension that you've been carrying around leave your body. Maybe it's Hulk Hogan's melifluous voice, taking you back to a more carefree time...maybe it's Wolf's howl. Again, whatevs....

Then the Cymbalta commercial comes on. Suddenly, you're smacked in the head with a crow bar reality. But the "awesome" part isn't just how you're reminded that you're depressed, but also how your depression is hurting everyone around you. And it's accompanied by pictures of sad children.

If I were depressed, I think that just might be enough to take me over the edge.

Thanks Cymbalta!

Rock On,


Thursday, January 10, 2008


I should really do a series of posts about the reality shows I watch, because you know, not enough people blog about such things. To be honest, most of the ones I watch are due to my girlfriend's interest (e.g. The Amazing Race, Top Chef, Project Runway). A few, I like (e.g. Kitchen Nightmares, hmmm, that may be it for now).

Anyway, last night we were watch The Supernanny (I think that's what it's called). The show featured this devilish seven year old kid, who punched and kicked his sisters and parents.

Supernanny thought he needed an outlet for his aggression, so they took him to Randy Couture's gym in Vegas for martial arts lessons. He was being trained by Mike "Quicksand" Pyle.

I thought, yeah, that's a good idea. Now, he'll know how to kick and punch to maximum effect. Instead of giving in to him cause he's annoyinng, his parents will bow to his wishes out of fear for their lives.

Rock On,


The Comedy Life....It's Faaaaaantastic!!

Last night I left the cozy environs of my living room at about 9:30 to take three subways to do a five-minute spot at a dingy club for seven drunken tourists from Denmark at 10:40.

I tried out some new stuff. They laughed.

Went home happy.

Rock On,


Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Breakfast of Champions?

I see that Dunkin Donuts now has triple chocolate muffins.

First of all, I'm curious...what makes it triple? I assume it's chocolate batter and chocolate chips. Is there chocolate frosting?

Secondly, I think the FDA needs to come out with some ruling on what constitutes a "muffin" vs. "cake."

Thirdly, I can't wait to try one.

Rock On,


Is There Another Doctor in the House?

As readers know, I wonder if my doctor was related to the dean of whatever med school he went to.

Yesterday, after almost fainting on the subway, I figured I should prolly check in with him.

After escorting me into the exam room and asking what happened, he left for ten minutes. When he came back, he quickly checked my heart, lungs, etc... and then told me what he thought it was.

I couldn't help but picture him running from the room, repeating my symptoms to himself, so he wouldn't forget them until he got to his computer.

I should've asked him question to see if he'd excuse himself and come back with the answer.

Rock on,


Monday, January 7, 2008


Hung out with Josie's family yesterday. They made ravioli from scratch. I have trouble making Chef Boy R Dee, but whatever...

Usually, I don't care about other peoples' kids. I don't find their spitting up "cute" nor do I find them reciting the alphabet "incredible." But her three-year-old niece is an exception....

Maybe I ain't aound many kids but she seems to not only be ridiculously smart, but also, well, just ridiculous. Case in point....

We were at the playground yesterday, and another, somewhat older child wanted to play with her. The niece literally shooed her away with a hand gesture while stating, "Why don't you go do your own thing?"

Now, that's a kid after my own heart. (Is that the saying? I'm not even sure... but you know what I mean.)

Rock On,


Saturday, January 5, 2008

Lindsay Lohan

As a comic, everyone tells me they have a great joke for me to use in my act. Usually, these perfect jokes begin, "So a rabbi, a minister, and a ..."

Today my friend, V, told me he had one for me...

"I'm sure you heard that just-out-of-rehab Lindsay Lohan, who was in Italy to get some award, was caught drinking on New Years Eve. I know...shocking... someone wanted to give Lindsay Lohan an award!"

I may actually use that.

Rock On,


Friday, January 4, 2008


As I may've (or may've not) mentioned, my office moved locations. This morning, Temp Boy asked me if I had his scissors.

"My scissors. I put them in one of your boxes when we moved."
"I dunno, dude."
"Did you empty all your boxes?"
"What?!? Yeah, look, why don't you ask Vinny for brand new scissors."
"I will, no big deal."
"I know it's no big deal. It's scissors."
"Okay." And then he slowly walked away.

A few minutes later, he came back to my desk.

"I got scissors from Vinny."

Rock On,


Thursday, January 3, 2008

The Greatest Generation?

At the dog run the other day, I was talking to a thrice-married, late-fourties, early fifties year old gentleman. The topic of money came up.

"You know what I'd do if I had a lot of money?" He asked me.
"I'd spend it on prostitutes. Not the cheap hooker-types... high priced prostitutes."

When we parted ways, I wished I'd asked him if he'd ever shared his dream with any of his wives... or maybe that's why he was also divorced three times.

Rock On,


Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Because You Demanded It!

Here's an excerpt of the book I'm writing...

"'Hey, how’s it goin’?' asks the thirty-something year-old woman..."

You're Welcome

Rock On,


Maybe It's Me

Is it me or is this year really draggin'?

Rock On,


Tuesday, January 1, 2008

What's the Opposite of a Conversation Piece?

I've always despised telling people my day job (Regulatory Accounting) since I really don't wanna talk about it - it's about ten times more boring than regular accounting (and we all know from sitcoms and movies how boring accounting and accountants are) and I really don't wanna think about it when I'm not at work (or even at work - haha).

But last night at the New Years Party I went to I found out that it could be worse. Here's a snippet of dialogue between my girlfriend, Josie, and everyone she met....

Everyone she met: So, what do you do for a living?
Josie: I'm a therapist for survivors of sexual assault.
Everyone she met: (stare, take sip of beer)
Josie: (sip drink, stare)
Everyone she met: Good dip, huh?

She "wins"

Rock On,


How Much Change Would You Pick Up?

Like most, I went to a party last night. Good time, drank, blah, blah, blah... but there's always that time in every gathering, where I just run out of stuff to say. Whether I'm hanging at a bar with friends, or a party with (ed note: Josie drank more than I...she just ran into bathroom...I turned up TV) mostly stangers. I'm always amazed at how other people just keep talking, for hours at a time, and not repeat themselves.

As weird as it sounds, once I became a comic, it's actually gotten worse. Once someone mentions, "I hear your're a comic," immediately my vocal chords go into shut down mode. (not to self: come up with clever line). Which is really bizarre, since you'd think that at least I have an interesting job to talk about.

But as I mentioned, even with friends, I run out of stuff to talk about. One "conversation topic" I've used to inspire debate is the ol' "How Much Change Would You Pick Up?" question (well, it's ol' to me) - I dunno if it needs further explanation but, I ask people if they were walking down the street, how much change would have to be lying on the sidewalk for you to kneel down to pick it up.

(Josie left bathroom...back to bed for her)

Last night, we came up with another: "What if you had two heads, but the second head could see ten minutes into the future, would you keep the second head?" or "What if you could solve world peace, but you'd have to keep the second head, would you?"

Looks like I'm good for another year.

Rock On,