tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42832410652901715432024-03-05T08:24:06.639-05:00Why Me? The Life and Times of Harris BloomDon't Steal My ThunderHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.comBlogger892125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-8510127009821251302011-07-01T09:32:00.003-04:002011-07-01T09:43:20.039-04:00The End?As you can see, I haven't posted here in a while. The main reason is that I just don't have the time.<br /><br />Not only do I have a day job, but I'm still doing <a href="http://www.blogger.com/www.harrisbloom.com">stand-up comedy and writing</a>, I have a six month old baby, two dogs, <a href="http://www.blogger.com/www.stewietotherescue.org">my own animal rescue</a>, and, last but not least, a wife.<br /><br />If that isn't enough, I've started to become active in the animal rescue community, pushing for <a href="http://www.shelterreform.org/">reform</a> in the ongoing nightmare that is the NYC shelter system. You may've seen this video of me at an ACC (Animal Care and Control - They run the NYC shelters...into the ground, I may add)...<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFlQZ-f4iWY">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFlQZ-f4iWY</a><br /><br />Yeah, I'm a lil angry at the current sitch...<br /><br />ANYWAY....<br /><br />Thanks all for reading these posts. I may come back to this (who knows), but for now, if you wanna read what I'm up to, "friend" me on Facebook <a href="https://www.facebook.com/harrisbloom">here</a>, or visit the blog of my animal rescue <a href="http://stewietotherescue.blogspot.com/">here</a>, where I will be posting every few days.<br /><br />Thanks!<br /><br />Harris Bloom<br /><a href="http://www.stewietotherescue.org/">www.stewietotherescue.org</a><br /><a href="http://www.harrisbloom.com/">www.harrisbloom.com</a>Harrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-13361257938863856472010-04-21T15:20:00.008-04:002010-04-26T12:28:14.481-04:00Blue Man GroupA fellow comic wrote his e-mail list about some non-comedy related gig in Time Square that would pay $450 for four partial days of work. Due to a desire to make some easy, quick coin, I followed his link to sign up.<br /><br />Though the coin was quick, I wouldn't say it was easy (I shoulda been scared when the ad said, "We will supply the jumpsuit")<br /><br />The job was to, wearing the aforementioned jumpsuit (blue, with "Hyundai" splashed on it), "clean" Times Square. I put "clean" in quotes as we were given brooms, feather dusters, squeegies, and portable vacuums and were told to clean the air in groups of six. Basically, pretend we were cleaning. Thanksfully, I didn't run into anyone I knew, which is more than I can say for an acting teacher I was working with, who ran into a student of his (ouch!).<br /><br />Try pretending to vacuum the air for five hours...not as much fun as you'd think. It gets old after about five minutes. Especially on the corners where the sun was beating down on us (We spent as much time on corners in the shade, waiting until the next group came by to kick us to the next one)<br /><br />After cleaning it on one corner, we'd move onto the next, much to the amusement of passing tourists (less to the amusement of passing locals). My favorite responses from tourists were....<br /><br />1 - While standing at a corner and pretending to dust the air, I smiled at an older Irish guy, also waiting. He looked at what I was doing and asked, "What are ya, <em>stupid</em>?"<br /><br />2 - This guy asks me to keep doing what I was doing (brooming the air) while he called over his six or seven year old son. The father pointed at me and said, "This is what happens when you dont go to college."<br /><br />I <em>coulda</em> explained to them that I did graduate college and make a decent living, and how I was only doing this to make extra cash for an apartment that my wife and I are saving up to buy (in the year 2037), but I figured, eh, let him have his life lesson. Actually, it woulda been great if I just told them, "Actually, I did go to college."<br /><br />Funny he mentioned college though, as the job kinda made me think of my dad. He didn't go to college, and spent his life doing crappy jobs to provide for his family. I often think about what it must have been like for him, doing something I know he disliked for a living, but needed to do.<br /><br />For one weekend, I walked in his shoes.<br /><br />Harris<img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5464483360824423826" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTTXGLdQVdzQc1eh7cwLclhxlqYTXUD20FGCHMc5AfyLQUBhvYjme2b_wWoWI3IYcAKNV1bM0o_ekEZvl5ACDSnZ062jpILSDMj_sKMR7HID7SXmeyyzXa3MeQaQFhAwG9pqUN5NjCVfq3/s400/air2.jpg" /><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5464483358129101586" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOpENKzXA5yXtTWpJeZF-UeyBMyX_UgG7cVQkaOADTxjJwpdgt6cxlXzhL7E6EhZl0ZrwZCw2341nfm_rgyzr19FJhKkte6UbFqBO291xNCMuR4t2P0FCvpryJltupxeovk12zYH-eU4H3/s400/air.jpg" />Harrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-80910873580525028852010-02-24T13:59:00.005-05:002010-02-24T14:26:14.964-05:00Making A Difference<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggb1MeEfMQjWE8G08gn6ecGhJYuOeBB18x35GTkw6unKCJIm0QQT2FL1b5QF96jMtQeIXxthS2iSIduy3xRGHdKs-5aAcuWplFit6jtVWiVi-Id3cLSYzTDLRBu8NY_yRDPFsLvgwWkZpx/s1600-h/dakodalove.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 280px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5441888002316145858" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggb1MeEfMQjWE8G08gn6ecGhJYuOeBB18x35GTkw6unKCJIm0QQT2FL1b5QF96jMtQeIXxthS2iSIduy3xRGHdKs-5aAcuWplFit6jtVWiVi-Id3cLSYzTDLRBu8NY_yRDPFsLvgwWkZpx/s400/dakodalove.jpg" /></a><br />Greetings all,<br /><br />I'm gonna keep this short. I've decided to follow a passion of mine by joining the Board of Directors of DakodaLove Pet Project (Inc. pending). I will also be Treasurer (God help us).<br /><br />DakodaLove specializes in pit bulls and other "bully breeds," not because we want to, but because we have to. Hundreds are killed daily at animal shelters in the tri-state area due to over-breeding (we know why) and misinformation (google "the nanny dog"). We will rest when that number is zero.<br /><br />If you have any interest in our mission, please join our fan page on Facebook <a href="http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/DakodaLove/354401180566?ref=ts">HERE</a> .<br /><br />Our website will be operational in the coming weeks.<br /><br />Our first fundraiser will be at <a href="http://www.tommystavern.com/">Tommy's Tavern </a>on March 20th, for an evening of punk/alt bands (cover is ten bucks, with all proceeds going to DakodaLove). Alas, I have a gig that night and won't be able to make it.<br /><br />The next fundraiser will be a comedy night at <a href="http://gothamcomedyclub.com/">Gotham Comedy Club </a>on April 12th at 8 PM. We will feature comics you've seen on Comedy Central, NBC, MTV, PBS (you get the idea). I will be emceeing the event, which will cost twenty-five bucks (with a two-drink minimum).<br /><br />I hope some of you can join us.<br /><br />Thanks.<br /><br />HarrisHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-14104747721302010732010-02-16T11:53:00.005-05:002010-02-16T12:23:53.757-05:00Best. Trivia. Ending. Ever.So, at long last, <a href="http://http//1001thingsnottodobeforeyoudie.blogspot.com/">Austin</a>, the dude who runs (or, at least, used to run) our favorite trivia night in a bar (as opposed to , I suppose, in a barn), started a new one (the bar closed...<a href="http://harrisbloom.blogspot.com/2009/03/new-free-show-in-nyc-hosted-by-moi.html">RIP Conker Hill</a>).<br /><br />Josie, myself and the rest of our 5 person team made it to the bar in spite of cold temps and the threat of (more) snow. Not many others did. In fact, so few people were in attendance that we decided to split up our all-star squad to make it interesting. The two men vs. the three women.<br /><br />As at Conker, the best team name won a round of shots. Out of the goodness of our hearts, we gave the women the team name that Vic came up with when we thought we were gonna be one team -<strong><em> Kevin Smith's Next Movie? MallFats.<br /></em></strong><br />Of course, we only did so as I thought of one that I knew that Austin would prefer - <em><strong>Four Days Till Pitchers and Catchers And The Mets Are Already Mathematically Eliminated</strong></em> - thereby winning us the round of shots (we gallantly made sure the ladies got one too)<br /><br />Not unexpectedly, after the first three rounds we were dead even, well ahead of the other two or three teams that were playing. The fourth round was "Fashion" and again, not unexpectedly, we fell behind by two points. Uh oh. After losing to the women a few weeks ago at drinking, I knew I was in for it if we lost this too.<br /><br />The fifth round was "Stuff You Should Know" (no, it wasn't about an Alanis Morrisette breakup). Just crap we "should" know, like how many licks did the owl take to get to the center of a tootsie pop (three).<br /><br />ANYWAY, we were down to the last question. Now, we don't know how we're doing until the answers are read after we turn in our answer sheets after each ten question round, but doing the math later, the men were down by three points going into the last question. Impossible, right? Wrong... The question was...<br /><br />"Six Point Bonus Question - Name the six teams in the NL Central."<br /><br />Upon hearing that, I laughed for a good minute and a half.<br /><br />We won by one.<br /><br />harrisHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-65296724928888665662010-02-10T13:41:00.000-05:002010-02-10T13:47:59.531-05:00If You Think He Looked Scary Before...When I'm walking Kilo, I get all kinds of reactions, from people asking me if he's a pit bull to people literally crossing the street to avoid him (at least I <em>assume</em> it's him they're avoiding...hmmm).<br /><br />Kilo got into a little tussle at the dog run yesterday, leaving some with some bloody bite marks on his face.***<br /><br />I'd love to know what people were thinking while I was taking him home, a pit bull with dried blood around his mouth.<br /><br />harris<br /><br />*** It was the first fight he'd been in in the seven months I've had him. My lil terrier used to get into one a week.Harrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-2409891297207600152010-02-08T14:34:00.000-05:002010-02-08T14:38:25.568-05:00Baaaaaaa!!!If you didn't already know that people are sheep, last week was apparently "Doppleganger Week" at Facebook, where you were sposed to put up a pic of someone you think you look like (If I did it, it woulda been a pic of this dude I saw sitting at a table in Artie's Deli a few weeks ago - it was uncanny...seriously).<br /><br />ANYWAY, I reminded (again) how people are sheep watching the Syracuse/Cincinnati college basketball game yesterday. Whenever the camera panned through the crowd, the Cincinnati student section all mugged by yelling at the camera while sticking their index finger in the air.<br /><br />You're number one?<br /><br />Based on....?<br /><br />HarrisHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-67296491844647783452010-02-07T00:07:00.002-05:002010-02-07T00:13:06.833-05:00Someone's Pretty Serious About The Super BowlLeaving work on Friday, I shared an elevator down with a co-worker.<br /><br />"What are your weekend plans?" he asked.<br /><br />"I gotta show tonight and tomorrow night, and just watching the Super Bowl Sunday. How about you?"<br /><br />"Same thing...except for the shows."<br /><br />"Sooooo, you're watching the Super Bowl."<br /><br />"Yeah," he replied, and then, looking at watch, added, "I have 49 hours to get ready."<br /><br />HarrisHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-24139628820047459172010-02-05T14:57:00.000-05:002010-02-05T14:59:02.116-05:00I May Be Slightly NeuroticAt the gym today, I bench-pressed ten pounds less than I normally can.<br /><br />My first thought? I have a cancerous tumor that is beginning to sap my strength.<br /><br />HarrisHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-63294990154547681822010-01-25T13:47:00.000-05:002010-01-25T13:50:26.398-05:00HmmmI saw an ad recently for this doctor offering 20% off that Lasic eye surgery. Not sure I even want a to be able to use a coupon for eye surgery. Certain things you really don't wanna look for a bargain. Eye surgery being one...sushi would be another.<br /><br />HarrisHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-44444480065811212472010-01-19T14:34:00.004-05:002010-01-19T14:44:37.668-05:0021I went with the Mrs. and some friends to The Borgata this weekend. I only play blackjack (video blackjack if I'm gettin' killed, as you can play for less).<br /><br />Now, I'm smart enough to know that no matter how poorly the other people at your table play, your own odds aren't affected (I actually find it odd how many really smart people think it does affect your own odds). However, I am easily annoyed, and like most, very annoyed when someone doesn't play the "right" way. Though again, I don't even know why it annoys me as I know it has no bearing on how I am going to do.<br /><br />It just does.<br /><br />So there I was, sitting next to two crew-cutted twenty-something's, who were hitting on 15 when the dealer was showing 4, sticking on 15 when the dealer had a 9, etc.<br /><br />I was gettin' more and more pissed off (as were the other people at the table, judging by their head-shaking and death glares).<br /><br />One of the crew-cuts asked me what I did for a living. I told him and then, asked him what he did.<br /><br />"I'm a fighter pilot, about to be deployed to Iraq."<br /><br />For the next minute or so, I felt really bad about silently cursing him.<br /><br />That's when he hit on 18.<br /><br />HarrisHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-51030903809444245682010-01-11T18:25:00.003-05:002010-01-11T18:35:57.570-05:00Is Mark McGwire Kidding?!?If you haven't heard, Mark McGwire finally admitted taking steroids.<br /><br />He said he famously refused to answer questions during Congressional hearings about steroids because he was protecting his family (he didn't have immunity btw).<br /><br />He said he came clean now because he just got hired as hitting coach for the St. Louis Cards, and didn't want to become a distraction to the team.<br /><br />So, basically, he kept quiet AND came clean to for others' sake. Is he a great guy or what?<br /><br />In his interview he claimed they helped him with injury but didn't affect his power numbers. I dont have them in front of me, but I'd be willing to bet that his numbers from 1989 to 1993 paled in comparison to the period from 1994 to 2000 (or whenever he retired).<br /><br />There is also talk about whether his admission will help his chances of getting into the Hall of Fame (He was named on 23 percent of the ballots last time...you need 75% for inclusion).<br /><br />What?!?<br /><br />Why should his chances be higher because he admitted to cheating (which everyone with half a brain suspected all along)? We should reward him for cheating because he decided to be honest?<br /><br />Read that again.<br /><br />Right.<br /><br />HarrisHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-64578170049163190312010-01-08T14:40:00.000-05:002010-01-08T14:58:17.919-05:00Yes, Another (Short) Dog Related PostDog owners all compare our dogs to people, but the fact is, there are some good attributes in people that we wouldn’t even want in our dogs, like spontaneity, cause if your dog does something spontaneous, it’s never good. It’s never gonna be..I came home from work and found Kilo waiting for me by the door with homemade cookies…it’s more like I watching TV when out of nowhere, Kilo took a crap on the rug.<br /><br />HarrisHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-74657639313245374442010-01-07T13:24:00.002-05:002010-01-07T13:38:56.826-05:00Very Late PostI volunteered to help Josie and her organization at their annual Christmas Party* for disadvantaged families. It's a great event where lower-income families get a holiday dinner (some cooked by Josie's parents!), toys for the kids, and even caricatures drawn by local artists who donated their time.<br /><br />It was kinda odd to see the police parked in one corner taking pictures of the kids. Why, you ask? So if they are kidnapped, they'd have a picture immediately to go by.<br /><br />That must be an interesting conversation....<br /><br /><em>"Okay kids, now that you've gotten your cotton candy and your picture taken with Spiderman, let's go take another picture before we open your gifts!"</em><br /><em>"Yay! What's this picture for?"</em><br /><em>"This one's in case someone steals you from mommy so the police have some way of tracking you down!"</em><br /><em>Kids start crying.</em><br /><br />After helping to sort the gifts and putting up the Christmas tree, I worked the buffet line. Usually, that would mean me eating, but no, in the spirit of the holiday, I spooned out food.<br /><br />When dessert was about over, one person came up to my wife, pointed at something, and asked, "Is that pumpkin pie?"<br />Josie looked at it and replied, "No, that's a piece of wood."<br /><br />Parents say the darndest things!<br /><br />Harris<br /><br />*There were no white people there so I'll go out on a limb and say none were Jewish.Harrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-51103851070124723912009-12-16T10:21:00.003-05:002009-12-16T10:38:08.470-05:00Off The Deep End?My love of dogs is well documented. I much rather hang with them than the vast majority of people, and I think that anyone who kills a dog should get the same punishment as someone who kills a human. And I'm not even kidding.<br /><br />So, it may not surprise you that the other day, when it was pouring, and I saw two dogs chained to a post outside a convenience store, howling for the owner, I felt the need to stop and share my umbrella with them. The only part I'm embarrassed to admit, is that I did hesitate before stopping.<br /><br />At first, the dogs looked at me curiously, while wagging their tails. I didn't want to pet them as I didn't know how they took to strangers (especially those with umbrella weapons). Eventually, their attention returned to the door of the convenience store and started howling again. And I just stood there, thinking people who passed by musta been wondering, "Why doesn't he tell his dogs to shut up already?!?"<br /><br />Then I wondered what the owner was gonna say, and what I was gonna say to him. To be honest, even I would feel like a bit of an idiot telling him/her that I felt bad for your dogs getting wet. So, I needed something else to say. I figured I'd say, "I was waiting for my wife anyway," while nodding towards the store, so I thought I'd keep these lil guys dry" The only problem with that is I'd be stuck waiting till the guy was out of sight or he'd see my explanation was some sort of ruse.<br /><br />I was still thinking what to say when the guy came out. He looked at me for a second, then unchained his dogs from the post, and walked away. Not even a "thank you" for being a man-servant for his dogs!<br /><br />Man, I hate people.<br /><br />HarrisHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-44471873291130289152009-12-04T12:28:00.002-05:002009-12-04T12:52:33.076-05:00I Assume He Vacationed in PanamaJosie recently informed me that she used to work with someone named Dan Halen. Predictably, every time he asked her a question about anything, she would reply, "Ya might as well Jump."<br /><br />My favorite part is that she tells me he didn't have any type of sense of humor about his name. She was even kind enough to tell him that if he referred to himself as "Daniel," no one would make fun, but, of course, he refused.<br /><br />Best name I've heard since <a href="http://intelius.yellowbook.com/results.php?ReportType=34&refer=2464&adword=RP&qar=off&qc=Ormond+Beach&qdma=off&qf=Fred&qi=0&qk=6&qn=Zeppelin&qs=FL">this guy</a> (I'll bet he was smart enuf to go by Frederick)<br /><br />HarrisHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-56382518777678657292009-12-03T11:18:00.003-05:002009-12-04T10:52:59.336-05:00I'm Like Simon Cowell, But From QueensI answered an ad to appear on a public access show called "Are You A Star Or Just Bizarre?" - it was billed as public access's answer to American Idol. If that's the answer, I think they need to throw out the question (as my sixth grade teacher used to do with test questions if everyone answered incorrectly).<br /><br />Since they already had enough comics for the weekly competition, the producer asked me to be a guest judge. <em>Cool</em>, thought.<br /><br />But when I got to the studio, I had second thoughts... <em>What if I knew the comics I was judging? I'm kinda known for being brutally honest....How honest was I gonna be? </em><br /><br />I had third thoughts (similar to my second thoughts) when I was in the waiting room and saw a middle-aged guy wearing an unbuttoned flannel shirt walk through as if this was his living room.<br /><br />Then I saw the list of comics performing. <em>Shit!</em> I knew a few of them. What to do...<br /><br />So, as the show is broadcast live on Time Warner Channel 56, they started exactly at 11 PM. The studio audience consisted of comics performing, and a few people who look like they needed a warm place to sit for a few hours.<br /><br />The host introduced me as a "successful comedian." I later found out my name was written on screen as "Harris Bloon."<br /><br />I've done some shows with the first comic. I was hoping he'd do okay as it woulda been awkward to criticize him and then travel with him for two hours for a show. He did a decent enough job...I was able to praise his efforts. <em>Phew!</em><br /><em></em><br />The next two comics were horror shows. Both black, one actually combined impressions of Tony Montana, Forrest Gump and Ray Charles in one joke. All that was missing was him saying "I'll be back!" like Arnold Schwarzenegger, which is <em>exactly</em> what he said when one of the judges said he'd like to see him again. The other wore a fur coat and fur hat combo that Snoop Dogg woulda found ridiculous.<br /><br />I'm gonna have to re-watch the episode to see what I exactly said to these guys but a few quotes (paraphrased)...<br /><br />"I've heard versions of your magnum condoms and bad breath jokes, but I've never seen a version of that coat and hat!"<br />"I've seen hundreds of comics do Michael Jackson jokes. I'm hoping that with his passing, so will the jokes."<br />"I think it's funny that you say 'f**k the kids' on TV, but instead of 'dick,' you said 'wee wee.'" (1)<br />"Those impressions have been done over and over again. You need to do others. And your Ray Charles impression was god-awful - you made him look and mentally handicapped (Okay, I didn't say that...just thought it.)"<br /><br />The best part is that I said these things after the other judges spoke, and they all <strong>loved</strong> the acts. I was basically the bitchy British judge on the panel, but from Queens, NY. I need to start drinking out of an oversized Coke cup, as a friend said. I think some of my comments even got booed.<br /><br />During the show, I texted with friends and Josie, who were watching. Some of the tests received...<br /><br />"watching this is painful."<br /><br />"this is beautiful."<br /><br />"you should go on tour with the guy wearing the fur coat/hat."<br /><br />"i really wanna kill the guy off-camera who introduced the host."<br /><br />"i wanna kill the douche to your right" (same guy)<br /><br />"this station is a little staticky"<br /><br />"ouch!" (after my commentary)<br /><br />At the end, they allowed another guy to get up and tell a joke. I say "guy" since I'm pretty sure he wasn't a comic. His stutter was so pronounced he couldn't get one joke out before the host interrupted him to declare a winner. (2)<br /><br />The winner was...a TIE between my two least favorite comics - I was outvoted. Exactly what I expected.<br /><br />When I got home, Josie's first words to me were, "You are so mean!" which kinda relieved me, as I was worried that I came off as too nice. (3)<br /><br />I actually had a great time, prolly cause it's a chance to tell people what I <em>really</em> think of their comedy, instead of just doing what we all do, tell everyone how <em>amazing</em> (I've come to really hate that word) they are and talk behind their backs. (4)<br /><br />I will be on the show again. Stay tuned!<br /><br />Rock On,<br /><br />Harris<br /><br />(1) - After the comic said, "F**k the kids!" you can hear me ask, "Are we still on the air?"<br /><br /><br />(2) - His joke started with, "I saw this girl walking, she had such a badonkidonk butt, I wanted to climb in..." - I didn't get a chance to critique him, but I woulda said, "I recommend staying away from words like 'badonkidonk.'"<br /><br /><br />(3) Video to come.<br /><br />(4) I actually don't do that. I mean, I do talk behind other comics' backs (I don't trust any comic who doesn't), but I don't tell everyone how amazing they are...even if they are amazing.Harrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-46497058381706961482009-12-01T10:24:00.000-05:002009-12-01T10:27:03.137-05:00It's Not Us...It's MeI was at a storytelling event last week with Josie when I ran into an old friend. It was crowded and he was on the way to the restroom, so when he asked me what's new, I quickly responded, "Not much, you know, doing the stand-up thing."<br /><br />When he was gone from view, Josie turned to me, "You do know that you got married a year ago, right?"<br /><br />HarrisHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-15745719409922713582009-11-30T10:40:00.002-05:002009-11-30T10:46:05.938-05:00Lotta Questions...No AnswersI was watching some show on the TLC channel (which, by the way, they should rename the "Thank God This Isn't You Network") when they went to commercial.<br /><br />One commercial was for <em>Jon and Kate plus 8</em>, another was for <em>Table for 1</em>2 (about a couple with 12 kids) and yet another for <em>18 And Counting</em> (about a couple with 18 kids!).<br /><br />I guess my question is - why does anyone watch the one with 8 kids (or even 12) if there's one with 18 kids? I assume people watch to see how these couples deal with all the kids, so wouldn't it make sense that they'd wanna watch the one with the most difficult job?<br /><br />It kinda reminds me of buying bread in the supermarket. They have loaves of 8-grain bread next to 12-grain bread next to 15-grain bread.<br /><br />Why would anyone buy the 8 grain bread? How long will it be till there's a 20 grain bread? Then again, are there 20 grains?<br /><br />I have a headache.<br /><br />HarrisHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-43855513726190694752009-11-29T12:23:00.003-05:002009-11-29T12:24:33.036-05:00A Harris Bloom ThanksgivingWhen we went around the table to say what we're thankful for, my mom asked, "Can I say what I'm sad about?"<br /><br />Good grief Harris Bloom.<br /><br />HarrisHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-52911242224862555112009-11-25T14:00:00.001-05:002009-11-25T14:16:23.376-05:00Killing And Dying In ComedyI've been working with the <a href="http://nyhystericalsociety.com/">The New York Hysterical Society</a>, doing mainly Jewish temple shows (btw - if any of my loyal, or not so loyal, readers would like us to organize a comedy night fundraiser for you, contact me).<br /><br /><br />I did one on Saturday night. I think the average age of the audience was about 95. I did well enough (you really don't wanna "kill" with this audience...you may actually kill) but I woulda done better if I had jokes with Barnaby Jones references, or better yet, Milton Berle.<br /><br /><br />After the show, a woman told me that she thought several of my jokes were "precious." I'm assuming that means good, in 1930-speak.<br /><br /><br />I actually did one several weeks ago where I (surprisingly) did very well, but I can't say the same for the MC. It was so quiet during his set, it had the feel of a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shiva_(Judaism)">shiva</a> call... I sat in the back mourning him.<br /><br />HarrisHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-81714221804001582512009-11-24T19:43:00.002-05:002009-11-24T19:45:51.686-05:00Deep Fried TurduckenRight now, the number one search on Yahoo is "deep fried turkucken."<br /><br />I'm pretty sure that's cause that's what the pilgrims ate at the first Thanksgiving.<br /><br />HarrisHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-67817376099963465352009-11-20T10:36:00.002-05:002009-11-20T10:49:10.808-05:00Harris Goes To CollegeAs many of you know, I graduated from Queens College, living at home the entire time. Not going away to school is one of my big regrets (becoming a Jets fan is another). My, wife, Josie, has decided to do something about it.<br /><br />My birthday is next week, and in honor of it, Josie is throwing me a "Harris Goes To College" pub crawl in Hell's Kitchen. I will be drinking till I puke. As I am not much of a drinker and the crawl starts at 6 PM, I expect that to be around 7:30. I am prepared for my frat-boy experience by reading tucker max, playing hackey sack in shorts and stocking up on roofies.<br /><br />One problem will be that my sweet tooth extends to drinks. I can't tell you how many times I have ordered drinks for Josie and I, and when the waiter brings them, I had to give her the Guinness and take my Appletini.<br /><br />The problem with that is sweet drinks make for a bad hangover (and I have to help a friend move the next day, followed by a show for 50 elderly Jews later...oy!) I can't drink beer cause, well, I don't really like it (I think someone is bringing a funnel but I think that's gonna be left unused).<br /><br />My plan is to drink margaritas, but not just any margaritas, as my friend, and drinking guru, Doug Adler told me I have to only get them made with 100% agave tequila, whatever that is...He said I should ask for "silver margaritas." Yes, the mix will prolly give me the hangover, but the good alcohol will lessen it.<br /><br />Or I may just funnel Appletinis all night. We'll see.<br /><br />The review, tomorrow (Or more likely Sunday)<br /><br />harrisHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-15942594066028696092009-11-05T13:20:00.000-05:002009-11-05T13:21:50.503-05:00The World SeriesPeople asked me who I was rooting for since, as a Mets fan, the Yanks and Phils are both our arch-enemies.<br /><br />I responded, "Just like in Rocky 5, I was rooting for the end."<br /><br />HarrisHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-2775716919676351452009-11-04T09:47:00.005-05:002009-11-04T10:49:27.129-05:00Putting A Happy Face OnI love how animal rescue sites try to warn you about adoptable dogs' poor behavior by making it appealing - I saw one this morning that read, <em>"...and Cody will love to decorate your house with toilet paper any chance she gets!"</em><br /><em></em><br />If I wrote one for Kilo, here would be some tidbits.......<br /><br /><em>Kilo is so athletic, he will jump right up to your nose and bite it! </em><br /><em></em><br /><em>Kilo is good at whimpering or crying when he wants or needs something, which is all the time!</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>Kilo is great on the leash, assuming you consider lunging at other dogs great!</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>Kilo is so full of love and affection that he will continue to jump on you, no matter how many times you yell, "No!"</em><br /><br /><em>Kilo is so smart, he'll figure out how to get into your garbage can, eat the contents, and then throw up everywhere!<br /><br /></em>Harris<br /><br />btw - these are jokes about Kilo, he's a great dog, and he's never thrown up...at least not after getting into the garbage, which he has done.<br /><br /><em></em>Harrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283241065290171543.post-21696316040674920102009-11-02T11:11:00.003-05:002009-11-02T11:45:33.606-05:00Bill Simmons ("The Sports Guy") Is An IdiotThis isn't gonna be about his deficiencies as a writer.<br /><br /> I mean, <strong>YES</strong>, he uses the same lines time and time again, and <strong>YES</strong>, it is ridiculous how he <strong>STILL</strong> uses <em>Shawshank, The Karate Kid</em> and <em>Rocky</em> movies to underscore his points. Also, his increased popularity, coinciding with his move to L.A. has changed his point of view, from "man of the people" to "check me out, hanging with Jimmy (that's Mr. Kimmel to you) while watching all ten games on my sweet plasma screen setup."<br /><br />He also got kinda screwed by the fact that his Boston teams became good, and with that often comes mass hatred (pun intended) - I don't think he handles that well, incorporating an "eff you" bent to his columns, but whatever.<br /><br />This is about his lack of knowledge of gambling, something he professes to know a lot about, and continually makes the same wrong point, as he did in his <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmonsnflpicks/091031">latest column </a>when he wrote...<br /><br /><em>"I tried to determine a science for picking games in the first few weeks. Bookies are terrified of that stretch for this reason: There's no ironclad way to distinguish good teams from the bad teams yet."</em><br /><br />My problem is with his declaration that "bookies are terrified."<br /><br /><strong>Wrong.</strong><br /><br />Bookies don't set the lines. We do. All bookies care about is making sure that half the money goes to each team...that way they make coin no matter who covers.<br /><br />A team like Dallas, which has a huge national following, gets a few points it's way just because it has so many fans who bet on them (bookies try to get gamblers to bet on their opposition). It has nothing to do with bookies liking Dallas.<br /><br />I swear, every time he writes that I feel like getting The Sisters to pay him a visit. Or Byron Hadley. Or at least sweeping his leg.<br /><br />HarrisHarrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09900614038945022752noreply@blogger.com0