Friday, December 29, 2006

My Feature Gig

So as y'all know (well, those who bother reading these), I had a 20 minute paid set in Jersey last Saturday night at The Comedy Shoppe. I found out how to get there, I memorized the order of my jokes, my name was on their website, I was psyched.

The show started at 10 and I wanted to make sure I got there in time so I left my apartment at 7:30 to catch an 8:14 train out of Penn. It got to the station at about 9. I asked a cabbie there where the place was and he pointed the way, explaining that it was about a twenty minute walk...with time to spare I figured why not. So I started walking.

I walked alongside a highway, past what looked like a long-deserted church, past a cemetery. By the way, there was no sidewalk - I was walking on dirt and grass - and few lights besides that of cars passing me. After 15/20 minutes, I was still walking through a winding residential area, with no hotel (the club was located in a hotel) to be seen. I started to panic.

What if I walked the wrong way?

Deciding to cut my losses I started to run back to the station (though first texting Bronwen to tell her I'm lost in the middle of nowhere). I made it back to the station in a bout five minutes, seeing the driver who gave e the initial directions. I got in his cab, sweating like a pig.

As it turned out, I was going the right way, I just needed to walk another ten minutes.

I got to the hotel and found the "club." It was more like a bar with a stage set up on one end. The producer, James, greeted me when I walked in.
"Hey Harris, yeah, looks like the holidays are gonna keep the crowd down."
Still sweating, I looked around the room. There were forty seats set up in front of the stage. They were all empty.
"Umm, I see," was all I could muster as I wiped my forehead with my hat.

The comics joked about the train wreck of a show that we were about to embark upon. They tried to get people from the bar to sit by the stage but only five or six people obliged (there were only about 20 by the bar). We agreed to each do ten minutes and get out. They turned up the mic so the comics could be heard over the bar crowd. Since I had the longest trek home, I got to go first (after the MC).

As far as my set goes, let's just say that my best laugh was when I joked after asking if they were taping it, so I could send it to Comedy Central.

With no crowd, naturally, I didn't get paid.

The most bizarre thing occurred when I was trying to make my train though (one that runs once every hour at that time)...I made it without a minute to spare. All in all, a decent evening.

Rock On,


Thursday, December 28, 2006

Tales From the Trip Home

Went to Bronwen's Folks' for holidaze...nothin' fascinating happened there, but the trip home was "fun" -

Sweating the Small Stuff

The train coming back to NY was crowded. They kept announcing to put all bags and other personal belongings on the overhead racks or below your seat. Naturally, I did, and a man sat next to me.

I noticed the person on the other side of the aisle, a slight middle-aged woman who spent her time knitting, didn't. That annoyed me. And due to her bag on the seat, no one ever asked her if anyone was sitting there. Every time they made that same announcement, I looked over at her, and of course, she just kept on knitting. How freakin' rude, some people think they own the place, I thought. Probably some rich women who didn't think rules applied to her.

Eventually, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I took my knapsack from beneath my seat, excused myself from my row and walked towards the front of the train. I circled back and asked the knitter if I could sit there. Without saying a word, she took her bag off the seat and let me sit. I felt better knowing this person wasn't gonna get away it. There, all's right in the world.

When when the conductor came around looking for tickets, the knitter looked at him pleadingly while extending the stubs of five tickets. He looked at them and ripped one in two. Then her phone rang. Apparently, she didn't speak English.

I also noticed the guy who I was sitting next to had taken his bag from beneath his seat and placed it on the seat that I had previously occupied. No one sat next to him the rest of the trip home.

Paying $14 To Go From Penn Station to Penn Station

With a suitcase and a knapsack, I wasn't in the mood to take a subway, and I also had to get my dog back from the sitter, so even though I think cabs are a rip-off, I splurged when I got out of Penn Station and flagged one down. We started up 8th Ave and immediately hit traffic. He told me he was gonna try 10th Ave.
"Fine," I said. More much so that he asked if we should just skip 10th and try the West Side Highway.
"Okay." Thanks to the higher prices while sitting in traffic, the meter was already like $7. We made it to the highway, but traffic was ridiculous there too. We sat for a minute in it, when I told him to drive me back to Penn (which was still the nearest subway). I figured this ride was gonna cost me $40 bucks (at least). So yeah, that wasn't a misprint, it did cost me $14 to go from Penn Station to Penn Station.

I need a few days off.

Rock On,


Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Getting Heckled

So thanks to "winning" the best comic of the night award at some open mic (to be honest, I coulda urinated on the stage and still been the best), I got a five minute spot at the club's Saturday Night Latino Laughter show. It wasn't the first time I'd won - the first few times went okay...not this time.

I got to the club around 10:30 as I was told I'd go up around 11. There were about 20 people in the audience, all Latinos. I watched four or five comics go up before me, all Latinos. Some were pros, some amateurs - they all got fairly poor response from the crowd.

Judging by the other comics, my best bet would've been to hit the stage and go, "Where my Puerto Ricanos at?!?!" "Where my Dominicanos at?!?!?" "Where my Mexicanos at?!?!" You get the idea.

At around 11:30, I was told I was next. I was also getting "the check spot" which means they drop the checks on the table during my set - it's considered the worst time slot since everyone's busy figuring out what they owe for the bill and no one's paying attention to the comic. So before going on, I knew I was in trouble.

Just before me a comic spoke about integrating the races. This chick in the front row shouted, "I'm okay with it as long as there are no Jews involved." And some other chick in the crowd agreed with her! The comic was cool, called them both "loco."

When I got on, I started with, "So, I'm Jewish" and looked at that chick. A few laughs but the chick said, "That's good for you...I just dont want us all integrated and shyte." And it went downhill from there. Most of the people were discussing their bill, others were just tuning me out. One chick was watching me so I said to her, "Okay, I'll talk to you."

After my joke about my girlfriend's use of the word Hooray," one chick said, "Hooray? What the heck is that?"
"Yes," I agreed, "What the heck IS that?"
"You should dump her."
"That's a little harsh, no?"
"I just think she sounds weird."
"Uh huh."

After one joke, this dude said, "Is that sposed to be a joke?" I replied that it was last night. A couple of times, I actually aborted jokes midstream, when I realized they weren't gonna dig them.

My favorite part of my set was when I saw the light, meaning my time was up. All I could think was "Good thing it was only a five minute spot."

I'm doing twenty minutes in Jersey this Saturday. Pray for me.

Rock On,


Wednesday, November 8, 2006

Another Night at The New York Comedy Club

So I'm sitting home last night at about 9 PM, when I remembered that I may have a guest spot at the New York Comedy Club (NYCC) that was arranged last week. I called the club and spoke to Buddy Flip, the manager that evening (they have several).

"Hey Buddy, this is Harris Bloom. Do I have a spot tonight? I remember you telling me I had one coming up but I forgot."
"Do you want one?"

Now, "free spots" are like gold to a fledging comic like myself (starting next and every Wednesday I'm gonna stand outside in the cold for two hours asking people if they like stand-up comedy for a 6 minute spot at the Comedy Village), so I said, "Sure," even though I was tired and knew it meant getting home past midnight. So at about 10 PM after ordering and eating dinner (Burritoville), I headed down to the NYCC.

Three subways later, I arrive at about 10:45 to see a small crowd outside the club and Buddy screaming at some twenty-something year old woman, who was walking away...
"You f**king c**t, you stay the f**k right here!! You're going to f**king jail!!"

I immediately thought, "That sounds about right."

The girl, totally trashed, implored her even more trashed friends to get out of dodge.
"C'mon, let's go!" Two of her friends were slumped against a building, another sat by the curb

But Buddy, checking his mouth from time to time, presumably for blood, wasn't having it.
"You stay right here! You f**king b**ch! Or I'll follow you!" And with that he started walking towards them. The girl walked towards him.
"Why don't you go ahead and punch me!! I dare ya!!" and then she turned to her friends and again yelled, C'mon!!"

This went on for about five minutes, during which I got the scoop (Buddy was escorting them out of the club for disturbing the show and being too drunk when she turned around and sucker-punched him)...police arrived...Buddy didn't press charges.

Of course anyone performing after this (she made a ruckus in the room as well) was fighting an impossible battle. So while I was doing my bit on my buddy's adult movie company, I saw this foreign dude in the audience talking to his friend.
I asked him, "You okay over there?"
"Yes," he started, "I just ask friend, 'What is this gawk,' you say?"
"Oh, that's like staring. You know, cause I was on the set of a porn flick."
"I see, so like I can gawk at you."
"Ummm, yeah, I guess."
"Will you act with me later?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Umm, no, thanks but that's not how this story's gonna where was I?"

Yup, just another night at the New York Comedy Club

Rock On,


Sunday, November 5, 2006

I'm Too Old For This

First of all, if anyone's around tomorrow, I got the Sal's Laugh-Off semifinals tomorrow - it's gonna be filmed for cable TV

So I started barking this past Wednesday for Comedy Village, a club in the west village. Barking comsists on standing on a street corner for a half-hour, begging people to go to a show. For that I get six minutes of stagetime. Joy.

If you're curious what I say on said corner, here's my condensed version:

(What the heck am I doing here?)
( that?...yup...rain...perfect)
(I'm too old for this)
(Thanks Dave, it's great to be here. Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do have a new movie coming out. It's about...)

At 9 I go in to the club. They have an audience of eight (It could've been worse...if they don't get six, they cancel the show.)

After an hour and a half, I get my six minutes onstage. I perform pretty much to the sounds of silence.


Rock On,


Six "Shows" in Three Days

As an epilogue to the "Seat Sniffer" story from last week, Tobin went up to to Steve the next day, when I wasn't there, to reiterate that he in fact, was not sniffing his seat.

ANYWAY, I put shows in quotes since they all weren't quite shows in the traditional's a quick rundown of them...

Friday Night - Gotham - I was the first comic on after the MC. There was actually a decent crowd there (about 80 people). How'd I do? Meh. For some reason, I was more nervous than usual (nerves I had in my first six month doing this, not recently). The crowd was kinda cold as I walked on and left them kinda cold. Yup, a job mediocrely done!

On a related note, went out afterward - I highly recommend the chicken tenders at Jake's Saloon, which is down the block. They're awesome...And get 'em spicy.

Saturday Night - Open mic at The Village Ma - I had a spot at The Comedy Village Saturday's night's pro show so I figured I'd get to the village a bit early and do an open mic. By the time I got there, there were four comics still there, and zero "real" audience members. I get up when my name is called and do my seven minutes in almost complete silence. Open mics...they're faaaaantastic!

Then I walked over to The Comedy Village to do the spot that I had won last week (check your archives...I'm sure you save all my missives). It goes very well, so well that the manager asked me if I wanted to "bark" there. Barkers are those dudes who annoy the crap out of pedestrians by handing them flyers and/or asking if they wanna see a comedy show..btw - I get this "opportunity" to stand in the freezing cold for a couple of hours because I'm good, mind you (though some clubs will seriously put up anyone on their pro shows if you're willing to do stuff like clean the toilets (believe me, I can't blame NYCC, I think I'd wear a haz mat outfit just to walk in there)

Sunday afternoon I MC'ed a dog Halloween costume contest. Between the fact that it was cold, windy and football Sunday, I didn't do much comedic material. Besides, the dogs didn't seem to be getting my jokes.

Sunday evening, I took three subways to go to two open mics in the same club (New York Comedy Club). The first one (at 7) had about ten comics there. When I walked in a chick with a thick German accent was goose-stepping on stage. Ya just never know what yer gonna see at the NYCC (though a roach or mice are good bets).

The second mic featured the aforementioned "dude who cleans toilets for stage time comic." He's Latino and can barely speak English. In fact, I think he got his best laugh when he mentioned how my girlfriend and he "consumed" a child.
I interrupted - "I think you mean 'conceived.'" He took the time to stop his set and write down his new word.

I got home at 11...went to bed, only to get up when I heard Stewie (dog) making odd, licking noises - I got out of bed to investigate and found a trail of dog crap all over the bedroom and him licking it off his paws. At the very least, I really wish I discovered all this before I stepped in it. Oh well.

Rock On,


Thursday, November 2, 2006

The Greated (Work-Related) Story Ever Told

Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating...alls I know is that me and Mike are still laughing.

So I sit next to Mike and we sit in front of Steve. Steve was gone for day, probably to hit Bible study class before feeding the homeless. Anyway, after getting some coffee and making my way back from the kitchen, I see Tobias, a young Asian guy, leaving some papers on Steve's chair.

With mock anger/surprise, I asked, "Umm, what are you doing?"
"Nothing...I was just leaving this for Steve."
"Dude, were you sniffing his chair?"
"I coulda sworn you were sniffing his chair."

Mike and I were already hysterical as Tobin walked back to his desk, which is just over a partition.

After an interlude in the conference room for cake* (see below), I walked over to Tobin's area.

"Tell you what, you gimmee 20 bucks and I won't tell Steve you were sniffing his seat." At least this time he laughed too.

This afternoon when Tobin came by to hand Steve some papers, I asked him, "You want to tell him or should I?"
Tobin shook his heading grinning.
"Fine, then I'll tell him," I said, then turning to Steve, "When you were gone yesterday, I caught Tobin here, sniffing your seat."
Tobin started, "I was just..." but his voice trailed off as we all started laughing.

Good times.

*We had cake due to the impending marriage of some chick that I barely know. Of course we all had to sign the card. I wrote...

Dear Gia,

Wishing you the best, which is what you deserve (based on our extremely brief conversations in the kitchen)

Harris (Accounting)

Rock On,


Monday, October 30, 2006

To My Neighbor in 3B - A Haiku

I really don't care
Get as drunk as you want but,
dont shit in the hall

Rock On,


Monday, October 23, 2006

The Hits Just Keep On Comin!

So on Saturday at 5 PM, The Comedy Village has an open mic where the comic judged the best gets a spot on their 8:30 PM pro show. Cool, huh? I have never gone before because, well, it's Saturday at 5 PM...not the greatest time to hang out for two hours watching a bunch of open micers. And because if I won, I would have to clear any Saturday night plans for my spot.

Anyway, I went this week because, well, I had nothing better to do.

There were only about 12-13 comics there...none very experienced (I'm being kind). So I won.

It was about 6:30 at the time. What to do till 8:30? Not enough time to go home and go I went to another open mic at a bar that was around the corner. It was just finishing up but I got to go and performed my lil act in front of the four comics that remained. Good times. It was 7 PM.

I got a coffee and strolled around the village, checking my watch every two minutes. Eventually, 8:30 came. I went into the club...watched about two-thirds the show, and then asked the manager when I'm going up. He said in a couple more comics...I was psyched the the crowd was really hot - laughing at a couple more comics go - I'm checking my watch, getting a lil worried, thinking, hmmm, they're running out of time...eventually, the manager comes up to me...

"Bad news, Mike Epps came in so we don't have time for you tonight. You can either come back tomorrow night or next Saturday night."


Friday, October 20, 2006

The Author Posts Another Blog Entry...

As those of who have bothered to read my stories published on the Internets know, there is a "contact the author" in my bio on the bottom to contact me if anyone so desires.

This weekend I got two. Both were "fans" of my stuff (I was a little worried before I read) I am happy to report and interestingly enough, they found me on different sites.

Granted, one fan sounded about 15, but it's her kinda grass root support that will undoubtedly catapult my name in the echelon of writers in history. At least she didn't write "lol" at all.

The other fan is an author of several short story collections, a man who has a column on one of my favorite sites (McSweeney's), a teacher at local universities in Florida and is even running for Congress.

Well, let me tell say that I was difficult to live with yesterday is a bit of an understatement - here's a sample of dialogue between my girlfriend and myself on way home from Central Park -

Her - What should we eat tonite?
The Author - The author thinks pasta
Her - Oh brother
The Author - Hey, don't be all jealous cause YOU don't get fan letters
Her - you're an idiot

here's another as we lounged on the sofa -

Her - What's the weather gonna be tomorrow
The Author - The author senses rain
Her - You're an idiot

Anyway, our evening basically went like that - a lot of playa-hatin', a lot of eye-rollin', etc

I decided to check out the dude's website - i found a few interesting nuggets...

1. When running a few years ago, he came out in support for reparations for slavery
2. he ran once while advocating giving horses the right to vote (he pledged to vote "neigh" on every issue) - he got 26% of the vote btw
3. in 1984 when he ran for president (yes, THE president) , he wanted to move the nation's capital to Davenport, Iowa, make El Salvador the nation's 51st state, and have Jane Wyman as his running mate since she has experience in dumping Ronald Reagan.

So doing a straw poll (whatever that is), it appears my fanbase consists of 15 year old girls (at least I hope she's 15, she certainly writes like it) and the insane.

Rock On,


Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I Hate to Sound Like Everyone Else but....

So I went to this open mic competition at Sal's Comedy Hole last night. Actually, I thought it was an open mic type competition but someone told me that they have ringers in the finals (Ted Alexandro won last year).

Anyway, I hate to sound like everyone else but, the other comics were pretty bad. A couple were worth noting...

One guy came up to the stage wearing a cloth sack over his head with the eyes and mouth cut out. He had buttons sewn onto it and wearing a headband. Tucked into the headband were limp corn husks, which dangled around his head. He stomped on the stage and in a loud and extremely hoarse voice declared himself an alien that came here around the time of the Incas (or the Mayans, I forget, but does it really matter?). He took out a chocolate bar, claimed to have invented it and started eating it. He announced his intention to sing "The Chocolate Song," imploring us to sing along if we knew the words.
He started to stomp on stage while chanting "Chocolate!" every so often (I knew the words after one refrain). When not staring at him in shock, the other comics were glancing at each other with an "Is this fo' real?" look. time you see me, ask for an impression...the dude who sits next to me cracks up every time I do it (and I've already done it 30 times this morning).

This other dude gets up...I know him from the scene. He's been at it for like 4 years or so - not passed at any major clubs, but he's generally somewhat funny. Weird guy though, sometimes he's cool, sometimes he's a ...well, not cool. Last night? Not cool.
After a couple of his jokes are met with blank faces (it's a freaking open mic, what does he expect?), he started berating the other comics.
"How dare you unfunny muthafuckers stare at me!"
"How many people come to see YOU perform?"
"This is have no idea how funny this is...YOU people staring at ME! This is a joke!"
"I don't why I do this shit!"

He went on for like half his allotted five minutes...just berating the crowd of comics for not laughing at his jokes. Couple of things here - 1) You'd think that having done this for several years he'd be used to the open mic scene. It's miserable, but whatever...we do it to get comfortable on stage. 2) If he was really good, he wouldn't have to do open mics...methinks someone's really just angry for not being funny enough, and best of all (to me) 3) After his harangue, he continued to tell some jokes...and the comics laughed! some self-respect. I don't laugh anyway, but if I was a laugher, there's NO WAY I'd let him intimidate me into laughing for him. Yes, it actually pissed me off that people started laughing for him.

Long story short (I know, too late), the MC, this really young, absolutely atrocious "comic" (he prefaced every joke he told with "I know this jokes no good, but I'm gonna tell it anyway" - at least he warned us)...he was the judge to pick the finalists. He picked two guys who worked at the club, one guy who was really funny, and one guy who MUSTA been a regular at their open mic cause I have no idea why he was selected. Absolutely brutal.

And to top the evening off, the rain soaked my pants...yes, the very pants I was bringing into the cleaners. Nevermind.

Rock On,


Thursday, October 12, 2006

Hot Yoga

So last night, instead of watching the World Series, I contorted my body into a variety of poses for 90 minutes while in heat that approximated 110 degrees (and I'm not exaggerating). That's what Bikram Yoga is (well, except for the missing the World Series part).

You know how every five years or so scientists change their mind about whether certain items are good for know, things like coffee, dark chocolate, and Woody Allen movies? Well, I wish there were odds I can get that one day a study will announce that Bikram Yoga should be avoided at all costs. In fact, I think the press release will read something like, "We have no idea why anyone thought that standing on one leg while twisting your arms and legs into a a room where temperatures approach 110 degree was good for you, but thanks to this study, it's been confirmed. It's not. Not at all...Serious damage to your heart brain, liver, kidney's, sweat glands and spleen may occur. That is all."

So I started sweated after three minutes. Within ten minutes my face was red, after twenty it was purple and after a half-hour, my skin was bubbling. Several of the poses I couldn't do under normal circumstances, nevermind having to concentrate while sweat burned my eyes.

As we moved into a pose, the instructor (about 5'5" 120 pounds) announced it by name. Here are some of them...
Dandayamana Bibhaktapada Paschimottanasana
Arda Chandrasana Padahastasana

ok..two is enough - I felt like saying "bless you" each time but it didn't seem like the type of crowd that would get, or appreciate it - besides, I had to save my strength.

After class, while still dripping (in fact, I'm still sweating), I asked the instructor how many times one should do it a week to get a benefit out of it.
He replied, "Good question!" and then he thoughtfully continued, I'd say five times."
I laughed. When I noticed that he wasn't even smiling, I stopped.

I'm fairly certain that this Yoga is prohibited under the Geneva Convention and if it isn't, it should be.

Rock On,


Thursday, September 28, 2006

Dinner with Mom - Epilogue

Note - See Previous Two Days to Explain this Post

When we left mom, my girlfriend and I needed a drink...

Sitting at a bar, I said to her, "It's amazing that I grew up so normal."
She responded, "Who says you're normal?"


Rock On,


Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Dinner with Mom - Part Two

Note - see yesterday for Part One

So we walk the five blocks to One83 - new restaurant on Upper East Side (I really cant wait till I'm a famous author so I'll have a limo at my beck and call for such occurrences) - there's not many people there (it's 6:30 also) and the waitstaff is beyond attentive - i dunno if its standard there but there were at least three or four people catering to us (I really cant wait till I'm a famous author so I'll have six or will chew my food for me and feed me like a mother to baby bird)

I'm doin' this in reverse order in terms of timing because I wanna end with The Funniest Moment in The History of Mom Moments.

The Maitre d' was generous enuf to hook us up with a glass of port on the house (he must think I'm a famous writer or something). He brings over the glasses fer us (none fer mom as she doesn't drink) - when he places them on the table, mom noticed that one glass had more in it than the other but she kept the info to herself - oh wait, i'm sorry - SHE TOLD HIM THEY WERE UNEVEN - the poor guy was flustered fer a while blaming the bartender, until I said, "Don't worry about it" - he left...

My girlfriend and I tried our free glasses of uneven port....I made my usual "Moron Wine Connoisseur Face" - as i did it, the maitre d' walked past us as mom said, "If it's making you sick, dont drink it." And with that, my ulcer was that much closer to reality.

For dessert, I got the chocolate fondant cake - another phrasing of the chocolate cake with molten chocolate filling thats becoming as ubiquitous as Chilean Sea Bass on menus - not that i'm complaining - anhoo, mom gets coffee - they were tardy bringing her coffee, I was almost finished with my cake, so mom calls over the maitre d' - "Excuse me, I ordered coffee a while ago... but I dont want it anymore."
The Maitre d' apologized, splaining they were making a new pot or whatever, and the coffee came immediately thereafter - it didn't stop mom from telling me they shouldn't charge us fer the coffee.
"Ummm, mom, they gave us free glasses of port, even if they were uneven."

Okay - the main event - here we go...

We get to tawkin' about mom's splains how she thinks its too thick in the back and not tapered...just cut in a square - My girlfriend splains how she purposely did it that way because it'll look much better as it grows in, and she wont have to get it cut as often (or something like that...I was busy noticing that the average age of the patrons in the restaurant was 103) - so mom sez...
- are you ready?

"I it's gotta look bad now so it'll look good later"


Rock On,


Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Dinner WIth Mom - Part One

So here's the backdrop - on Thursday, my girlfriend cut my mom's hair at Bumble and Bumble (the salon she works at) - it was a free cut for my mom's birthday - mind you, mom normally gets her hair cut fer 15 bucks, my girlfriend's are about 150 - not to say her cuts are necessarily ten times better...i'm just sayin' is all.

Since i wasn't there, i can't comment in detail about how mom told my girlfriend that if I met my ex-wife now, we'd be "perfect" fer each other (btw - if that sounded familiar, it should since she was just reiterating what she told her that THE FIRST TIME THEY MET!... god help me).

So mom was gonna meet me in my apartment and wait fer my girlfriend, who was going to join us. The first thing I said was, "Look at you! Nice haircut! Do you like it?" Her response?

"'s goooooood," she said slowly and unsurely.

"Okay, whats the matter?"
"Well, you tell me. Look at the back," she said, turning around.
"I'm no expert but it looks fine to me," I replied and then continued, "What's wrong with it?"
"Well, my other girl tapers the back and leaves it longer. As you can see, the back is straight and much fuller."
"Maybe thats the difference between gettin' a 15 dollar haircut and a 150 dollar one."
"Maybe...should I say something to her?"

You'd think logically I'd say, "NO! DO NOT SAY ANYTHING!" but quite frankly, I knew that it didn't matter what I said, so I answered, "If you wanna, go ahead. I'm sure she can take it."

I was already lookin' forward to was my stomach which was startin' to hurt..though methinks it may've just been my soon to be born ulcer.

So we've got over an hour to kill - i run out of conversation in 12 seconds - mom hasn't read my Ray Romano tale yet so I insist that she read it right there, thereby killing two birds with one stone - I figured she'd love it - she's always askin' why she's not in any of my stories and all - peeps love the stories that they can best relate to - she IS the story - how can she not relate?!? So I'm pretending to read GQ (new Sedaris story in it), while watching her out of corner of my eye - she giggles every once in a while but not nearly as much as I'd hoped for - when I see she's finished i immediately ask, "Well?!?"

She replies, "So exactly which part is supposed to be funny?"

I just sat there and we stared at each other for about ten seconds...

Let's move on before the vein in my forehead blows....

Next mom notices what a lovely sweater I had draped on my sofa...I tell her that my girlfriend gave it to me cause it was too big on her...
She looks at it and says, "Extra Large?!? Of course it's too big fer her."
I replied, "Well, it was prolly one of her ex-boyfriends." I know, I was askin' fer it.
Mom says, without missing a beat, "I hope you washed it."
"Nah...I just put it right on...apparently, he was a Drakkar Noir kinda guy."
"No really...I hope you washed it."
"I DID!"
"Okay, I just never know when you're kidding."

Why me?

So then she asks what she should get my girlfriend fer Christmas...
"She likes those good smelly candle thingies."
"Oh, great ...I'll get her those...oh dont leave them going when you go to sleep, do you?"
"Yes, we leave them on...and place them next to her wall made out of cardboard which we soak with lighter fluid."
"I know you're kidding but maybe thats not a good gift."
"Mom, we DONT leave them on!"
"I'd worry."
"Fine...dont get them...good grief."

TO BE CONTINUED (dinnertime!)

Rock On,


Monday, September 18, 2006


So I usually go to one football game a year with my boyz (Rich, Vic, and Mike). We get there early, bring a bbq, a cooler, a football to toss around etc. and take in the whole tailgating experience with fellow football fans. That game was yesterday.

One of my buds, Vic, spent last week compiling and e-mailing lists of items to bring (tin foil, utensils, spatula, etc). He even called on Sunday morning to make sure we didn't forget anything.

It was great day, about 80-85 degrees, a little too warm for me, but great for normal people. Rich and I started out bright and early, packed up his car and hit the road at around 11 AM to pick Vic up. We got to Vic, whereupon he checks the trunk to make sure we got everything. We transferred the cooler, hibachi, etc to Vic's car as he was driving.

We got to the Meadowlands by 12:45, the parking lot was already beginning to fill up (for a 4 PM game). We chose a spot and took everything out of the trunk - chairs, cooler, radio, etc. We sat down, opened beers and I believe Rich said, "Perfect day," as we basked in the sun, waiting for Mike to join us.

Then Vic said, "I forgot the tickets."

Rich and I looked at each other, both smirking. "Good one," I said.
"No, seriously, I forgot the tickets," Vic insisted as he reached in all of his pockets. By this time, Rich and I were smiling from ear to ear. I leaned back, soaking in the sun.
"So what should we do?" Vic asked, a bit panic-stricken. he sun seemed to get hotter. Though not sure I believed him, I humored him by calling Mike's cell to see where he was...maybe he could pick Vic up and drive him home and back. I got his answering machine. We decided that Vic would drive back to get the tix but it wouldn't make sense for Rich and I to go too. We'd just sit there, in our parking space and try to hold the spot until Mike arrived. I still didn't believe him but I did start to sweat.

I still wasn't sure I believed him when he got in his car and drove off, thinking he' loop around and try to play it off like he "got" us.

When he left the parking area was when I definitely believed him.

He disappeared and there was Rich and I, sitting in the space, cars around us, people bbq'ing. We couldn't even bbq cause we were afraid someone would chase us out of the carless spot. So we sat there...and waited...and waited...and waited. We joked the only thing that would've made this better is if it started raining. I guess we would've had to hide under someone's car.

After a half hour, Mike called, he was there, but our lot was closed - he had to park on the other side of an enclosed bridge, about a 15 minute walk from where we were. Not sure what to do since we now realized that we'd have to drag all of our stuff to the car when we were through, we decided to start the que up, since we were running out of time before the game and had a lot of food (so less to carry). The downside being that we'd have to leave the bbq there and pick it up after the game (too hot to move).

So we got it going and Vic finally comes around 3 PM...he also had to park in that same lot, 15 minutes away. Also, a couple of Rich's friends attending the game joined us. Rich cooked up what he could (without even time to eat much, and we ended up throwing out stuff).

Then, around 3:45 me and Vic figure we should get the cooler, chairs, radio back to the car. We gave Rich and Mike their tix, and headed on out. The cooler was still full so we each grabbed one handle and with our free hands, Vic carried the radio and I carried the two chairs respectively. So it was 85 degrees, we're awkwardly carrying all this crap and we're going against all the people walking towards the stadium. We had to stop a few times to rest when Vic started to cry (may've been sweat)

Anyway, we only missed a a little of the game, but when the Pats were up 24-0 midway through the 3rd Quarter, I figured what else could happen (btw - the Jets did rally late though too little)...then the game ended.

So we made a bit of a circular route to pick up the bbq and our flatware (Rich was worried that someone stole it and he'd have to explain it to his wife) and walked to our car.

Long story short (I know, too late) - we left the stadium around 7:15 - thanks to traffic, Rich and I walked in around 11:15.

Just perfect.

Rock On,


Friday, August 25, 2006

I Felt His Pain

So I was on the LIRR last night heading to my bro's and I overhear this dude about my age sounding extremely annoyed on his cellphone...

"No, I don't."

"I can see. The train does have windows!"

"Well mom, I guess I'll get wet."


I felt his pain.

Rock On,


Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Random Notes from My Writer's Group

Note - This was supposed to be a weekly, or bi-weekly (wait, is "Bi-weekly" twice a week, or once every two weeks? I meant the was sposed to be once every two weeks but I couldn't take why...)

Okay, so I started my new Writers Group last night, which I found while browsing Craigslist (aka Slackers Paradise)...

Will this group help me in my never-ending quest to "be all I can be"? Will I come face to face with someone in my Night of the Living Jews story (which I was reading from)? Will I make a joke of someone's short story, which was about a car crash in which her husband and daughter were killed? And finally, why didn't Godzilla use his radioactive breath more often? I mean, it was soooo cool and destructive...I woulda.

Anyhoo, the answers to many of these questions to follow, so if the two of you, yeah YOU, would please be quiet, we'll get started..........thank you.

So the "invite" was fer 7:30 - I walk into Florencia's apt at 7:30...and not only is everyone already there, but they're knee-deep in a story already...ack! They've met before mind you, so I was feelin' doubly at unease (atchooally triply, cause it's me we're tawkin' 'bout) - Flo (gotta think of a nickname) does the intro's...

Barbara Lippman - an older English teacher - my guess 60 years old - grey hair - first impression - she's gonna be a drip
Sharon - Jewish psychiatrist - about my age - first impression - booooorrring...she was wearin' a high-wasted long denim dress with boots - her long hair was begging for some style (unless "frizzy" is a style) - looked almost Orthodox
Douglas - thick Irish accent - I think he's a bit older than I - first impression - ummm, he's got a thick Irish accent
Anirudh - Indian dude - about my age - first impression - none
Flo - Argentinian chick who grew up mainly in London (been all over) dunno why, but based on e-mails prior to meeting, I thought she's be fat...she wasn't

(Not that it matters but I didn't take notes during the meeting as I do during my "Writing Class" - I figured this was more for the fun of it and didn't wanna feel like I was "working" - I later regretted it though as I could prolly use one or two of these characters in my inevitable Diary Of a Writing Class story - sure, they weren't in that class but that's what us writers call "poetic license" - you lay people would simply refer to as "lying"...see how much better it sounds when us writers do it?)

Unlike my writing class, we actually read our stuff to the group. I got there in the middle of Sharon (now Psych) reading from her comedic murder mystery involving a psychiatrist...sounded like it could be good idea ...not in her hands of course...but it sounded like a good premise - I couldn't help but think that I've seen her at every Jewish singles event I've ever been too - okay, maybe not her, but her "type" - mid 30's, mousy, dresses poorly (Flo later asked me, "Doesn't she see how others dress outside?"), no "edge" whatsoever - y'all know what I mean (Flo also later said, "She's quite pathetic" - again, later, when all had left but me..and her husband - btw, as mean as I can sound from time to time, Flo may have me beat....AND has a British accent...say those quotes with a British accent...go ahead...I think I may have to work on one of those)

The group discussed her work but since i was "late", I didn't join in - It was a lot of dialogue...ehhh....whatever

We moved onto Irish Dude - writing a novel about a bunch of Irish slacker ne'er-do-wells - not a bad premise - up my alley at least - i just wish I could understand what he was saying while he read from it - i begged off analyzing his as i said, "I have trouble critiquing on the fly..I gotta read it on my own first" - i did end up bringing up a point about a "lucky coincidence" that occurs during a scene (it's a pet peeve of mine when that kinda thing occurs in movies) which resulted in a decent discussion about it and how he may wanna change it - happy to contribute somethin' (as I was already worried I wouldn't be able to)

Next up - Barbara Lippman - I'm thinkin' she's the type who would correct me if I ever called her "Barbie" or "Babs" - anyhoo, she read a dreadful short story about a woman, who was getting a massage, with a "happy ending" no less from some gigolo, all the while, she's thinking back to the car crash she was in that claimed the lives of her husband and daughter. First of all, I kept thinking of her as the chick in the tale getting tail, don't ferget she's a 60 year old frigid-looking grey haired woman - with that in mind, I threw up in my mouth, when she wrote "it stopped at her perineum then penetrated"

Okay, now she already read this story at the last meeting they had and revised it due to suggestions made. One of them was that she had too many simile's - alls I gots to say is I WISH I saw the original cause this was unreadable due to all the simile's - seriously, it was like a plane with nine wings or an elephant with three trunks or a like shooting someone thirty times and then stabbing him or get the idea.

here are some of my fave's...

"Benedict's hands pushed her thighs up like a wind flapping up the ends of a tent"
"...her buttocks were two oval plains marked with the silken lines of age that formed a pattern resembling a turtle's shell"
"they became tow rubber balls independent of the rest of her body"
"her heart was heavy, compacted, a piece of leftover scrap iron"
"her finger's were cow udders, he was wringing each of them slowly, deliberately"
"The juice inside covered his finger like a protective blanket and she contracted it in the gentle rythmn of a sea anemone"

Those are all in first four pages by the way....each page averages about 10's unintelligible (that is a word btw).

Anyway, after she finishes this tale about, to refresh yer memories, how she's having flashbacks to the bloody car accident she was in that claimed her husband and daughter, all the while having sex with someone fer hire....I decided to speak first..

"Ya know...I can't help but think that this story SCREAMS fer a midget"

Thankfully, the room cracked up, led by Flo, whom I told previously about how it's my belief that every story should have a midget in it...if fer nothin' else than comic relief...c'mon! they're funny! Atchooally, one person doesn't laugh...yup...Ms. Barbara Lippman...she sez, and I quote, "Do you really think it can use a midget? Do you think it's too serious?" Good grief, she sux. Oh, and she's an English teacher (which makes her unbounded use of similes all the more humorous)...her new nickname...Ms. Crabtree.

Next we move on to Anirudh's book. First of all, I think everyone at least once asked him how he pronounced his name...I therefore anoint thee Whatshisface. So we reviewed Whatshisface's synopsis to his novel. As said in his synopsis, "The novel brings within its ambit 15 interlocked stories..." Besides the fact I have no clue what "ambit" means....fifteen interlocked stories?!? Good god! I have trouble following two or writing one. It's basically a bunch of smaller stories occurring in India during a riot. When he mentioned that we never find out who exactly are the rioters....I couldn't help but think, "What's the diff..they all look the same anyway." Oh, lighten up!
After reading the synopsis, he asked us whether it sounded like a good idea. Keep in mind that he's already written the novel. I shoulda said, "This sounds terrible. No one's gonna wanna read this." Now THAT woulda been funny. Instead i said, in all truthfulness, "It does sound like a good idea....I could see my ex-girlfriend dragging me to the Angelika to see the movie."

Whatshisface had to go just in time to miss the reason I thought we were all turn (btw - Flo thinks Americans like to hear themselves tawk a bit much...i mus say i disagree...anyhoo, back to me)...I never read the whole Night of the Living Jews out loud before and it was a rather educational and revealing experience...for some reason, it sounds "meaner" when I read it out loud than I thought previously...could be the audience as I was certain that Psych and Ms. Crabtree were gonna hate it...Irish dude may not "get" it....and Flo already read it.
So Irish dude had some comments that were intelligent (he's def a smart dood) but I didn't agree with - Ms. Crabtree, as expected, basically thought it was mean-spirited...Psych had zero to say...she claimed she was "burnt" (it was a long session), but i think she hated it and I think i know honor of Psych, I offer the following Haiku....

Jew Chick hated plot
Ugly, dull chicks turned her off
Hit too close to home?

FWIW - Flo may kick her out due to her decreased interest in other's work after she read hers (just as last time apparently) as well as her poor fashion sense.

Then Psych left, claiming exhaustion....last up was Flo...she read a piece of her novel in progress - listening to her, it was obvious that she's a writer...and I'm an accountant who writes....then again, we have diff audiences (i'm lookin' fer the smart-aleck-but-pathetic-thirtysomething -jewish-accountant-slacker-with-back-hair demographic...thats prolly a decent sized group now that i think of it) - After she finished reading, we were all pretty tired and agreed to critique it next week

Everyone left but me and Flo and I (and her husband, who walked in soon thereafter) - we spent about a half hour tawkin' about the crew, the Good (Irish Dude, Whatshisface), the Bad (Ms. Crabtree) and the Ugly (Psych). All in all, a good first meeting...may end up more educational than the "class" i'm takin' at Snake Oil Salesmen Inc (aka Gotham)

Until Next Week...

Rock On,


Thursday, August 10, 2006

Hate Mail!

Thanks to a story I had published online, I received my first piece of hate mail...I'd forward it via e-mail but I would think most of your filters would screen words like "fuckwad."

Rock On,


Tuesday, August 8, 2006

A Work-Related Drinking Game

So I was at a Securities Industry Association conference yesterday. Broker/dealers sent their credit people, lawyers, and regulatory accountants (ahem). I was thinking that there had to be some way to spice it up since as you can imagine, it was brutal. So here's my idea...

Drinking Game for any Wall Street/Accounting conference

1. Bring a flask of your favorite alcoholic beverage.

2. Take a swig whenever one of the following things occur....

a. You see a black person

b. Someone nods off

c. A cell phone goes off

d. An employee of the conference takes your "question card" thinking it's for the panel when it's actually notes for a new drinking game that you're devising.

e. It's read aloud.

Rock On,


Thursday, August 3, 2006

To Answer Your Question...

Yes, it is hot enough for me.

Good Lord, it's hot. Feels like I"m living in Haiti. I would explain to those of you who dont live in New York what's been going on here with the heat but I assume that you already know since...well, this is New York we're talking about (too ethnocentric?)

ANYWAY, we're trying to conserve energy here at work so half the lights were turned off. I volunteered to turn my computer off but that was rejected.

Rock On,


Tuesday, August 1, 2006

Reviews of Writing Classmates' Pieces - Haiku Style!

Your stories are lame
But they do serve a purpose
No more sleeping pills

If given a choice
reading this again or death
I choose the latter

Your story moves me
In an unexpected way
I must throw up now

Your writing is rich
I felt as if I was there
Well, not exactly

Also, one of the writing group participants (yes, I joined a writing group) expressed reservations about the burgeoning size of our group...

Here's solution
You can decrease groups members
by not showing up

Haiku's Rule! Screw the personal essay's...i'm gonna write a book of obnoxious haiku's

Rock On,


Monday, July 31, 2006

Memoir of a Memoir Writing Class

So I took this memoir-writing class at Gotham Writers' Workshop in 2004. The only good thing to comeo out of it was this series published at


Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

Part Six

Part Seven

Part Eight

Part Nine

Part Ten

Epilogue, Alternate Endings, and Outtakes!

Rock On,


Sunday, July 30, 2006

Yet ANOTHER Open MIc Story

Open Mic Story

On Sunday I wanted to do an open mic, get ready for my "big gig" on Monday (HA!). I had never been the the Comedy Village, so I subwayed it down to the village. It was cancelled. No, not the village, but the open mic. Swell.

Since I was already out and about and jonsing for a mic, I decided, against my better judgment, to hit the mic at Stand Up New York, my least favorite by far. What makes an open mic good or bad? The host.

The Right Way to run one is to do some material at the beginning and do a joke here and there between acts. If you are fortunate enough to get "real" audience members who stumbled in off the street, make them feel welcome, etc

Then there's The Wrong Way.

Let's forget the fact that this chick (the host - Daniella) feels the need to tell us that she used to be married to a rock star and has made out with several top comics (and she manages to bring it up every open mic...I used to be a regular).

Let's forget the fact that if one of her friends pops in, she'll put them up immediately, making those who got there earlier wait.

Let's forget the fact that she does material in between each comic - and I use that term loosely as her jokes are brutal (there's a reason why she's been hosting an open mic for years).

Let's even forget that I've seen her berate the comics...once saying, "I'm gonna think about you guys tonight while my boyfriend is screwing me to keep from coming."

No, my "favorite" part of this particular mic was how she ripped into the people who wondered in off the street who came in to see some comedy (obviously they had no idea what an open mic is, or how little - intentional - comedy is delivered at an open mic).

She spoke to a couple of chicks who were here in NY for some sort of month-long actors studio intensive class. The host nonchalantly informs them that they are wasting their youth...that acting will only lead to a life of disappointment and squashed dreams. But she was just warming up.

There was another couple of women there, who told Danella that they don't do comedy but they used to do Improv together. Daniella was more than happy to relay that improv is the weak sister of comedy. Feeling like she hadn't laid into them enough, she decided to do an "act out" -

"Here I am, in the Sahara...boy is it hot here... (she wipes her brow)...applause. Now I'm driving a car....(she pretends to drive)...applause. It's ridiculous." Yeah, THAT'S ridiculous. While the actors stayed, the Improvers soon left.

Two and a half hours after it started, I got to go on.

Rock On,


Thursday, July 27, 2006

A Break In Comedy?

By the way - regarding that audition last night - I was thinking it coulda been part of some reality show where they do anything possible to disrupt the performer...I'm surprised they didn't have someone yell "Noonan!" every ten seconds.


So I just got a call from the guy that runs the new talent shows at The Improv. During the summer they run pro shows during the day because they get a lot of tourist traffic in that area.

Anyway, he's giving me a "guest spot" on at least one of those shows - so this Monday, I'm leaving work early for a 4 PM spot at The Improv. (Since it is mainly a tourist crowd, I'll be telling jokes about Justice Alito and Queens College to people from Denmark...this'll work).

As an aside, he told me that the owner's son will be watching - maybe I was reading too much into it, but I guess that means that if I do well, I'll have a regular gig.... once the owner dies.

Rock On,


Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Comedy Should Not Be Performed in the Afternoon

So I did a show yesterday afternoon I left work early to do a show at The Improv. I try to learn something from every set I do and here's what I learned yesterday...

Comedy Should Not Be Performed in the Afternoon.

I had heard that they get a decent crowd. There were 12 people in the audience (two of them were girls, ages 14 and 17).

Of course, since the show at at 3:30, no one was drinking alcohol (I'm a lot funnier when you're drunk...cuter too, but that's besides the point).

So we're doing comedy for 12 sober tourists (two of which were from Alabama...nuff said).

The woman before me, Lisa Landry, who's been on Comedy Central and plays all over, looked disgusted before she even went on. While onstage her cell phone rang - she mentioned that she hopes that's her agent cause she's got a word or two for him.

I did my set...did okay (impossible to "kill" in such a room), and left, only to see Lisa on her phone screaming at someone. I couldn't hear who it was as she was walking away but I could guess. What a business.

Rock On,


Friday, July 21, 2006

Another Audition

So I had this audition last night for a producer. It was held at Joe Franklin's Comedy Club (located at 45th and 8th Avenue). It's in the back of a bar/restaurant (Charley Oh's).

Problem #1 - Apparently, their music system can not restricted to just the front area. So whatever radio station was playing, we had to do our act over it. And it was a radio station with a DJ, which was even more difficult to talk over.

Problem #2 - I assume the kitchen was in the back of the restaurant, which was near the front of this comedy club. Every once in a while, we'd hear a "ding!" I felt like shouting "Chicken Marsala for table 2's ready dammit!"

Problem #3 - There was no microphone. So when I say that I ha to shout, that's what I meant.

Problem #4 - There were about 15 comics there and the producer who was watching us. Well, he was watching us when he wasn't on his cell phone. As I'm doing my act, I was wondering if I should stop till he got off...after all, I was only doing it for him - not the other comics who were looking at me like I had two heads (I kept going).

I love this business.

Rock On,


Wednesday, July 12, 2006

A Trip to the Vet

Went to the vet yesterday for my dog - vet told us that we should be brushing Stewie's teeth every day.

"Every day?!? I exclaimed, "I don't even brush my teeth every day!"

Rock On,


Monday, July 10, 2006

Me in a Nutshell

this is a converstion I had with a friend after a show a few weeks ago

Me - I wasn't very good

Friend - The crowd was dead for everyone

Me - That's no excuse...good comics get laughs anyway

Here is a conversation I had with a friend after my show on Friday night

Friend - Wow - you were great

Me - Nah, I wasn't very good

Friend - The crowd loved you

Me - Yeah, well, they loved everyone.

I just can't please me. It's like I'm my own mother. I have no idea what that means either.

Rock On,


Friday, June 16, 2006

I Couldn't Help Myself

Bronwen and I were taking Stewie for a walk on Saturday. We were on the elevator when a woman got on. After riding in silence for a bit, I asked Bronwen, "What kind of dog is that?"

She looked at me with one eyebrow cocked in a "Uh oh, what are you gonna do?" way. Before she could ruin my fun, I said, "He's ugly."

The woman laughed. Bronwen shook her head, and felt the need to explain that "He's the father."

Rock On,


Thursday, June 15, 2006


So starting tomorrow, we are interviewing to fill the serial killer's position (see below)

I told my boss that, not that I don't trust him, but I wanna interview candidates as well. I really dont know what the person will be doing and quite frankly, I dont care. I do have some questions though....

1. If a masked gunman entered the office and told you that he's either gonna kill 10 random people in the office or me, which would you choose?

2. If you are told that you have to get in early for a meeting, is your first reaction...

A. No problem. I'm a team player.


B. Then I'm leaving early.

3. Someone's brought in a box of Godiva chocolates and left them in the kitchen for all to share. There are approx. 40 chocolates and 40 employees. How many do you take?

A. It wouldn't be fair to take more than one.


B. As many as I, I mean you, can shove into your mouth, pockets and an empty cup which you will pretend to sip from as you walk back to your desk.

4. Circle one - Generally speaking, I LIKE/DISLIKE people.

5. Do you have ANY hopes of progressing i your career? And I'm talking any speck or sliver of hope.

6. Do you anticipate eating any food that makes a loud crunch, like pretzels? Do you mind if I do?

7. At the copier, you see that someone has left important looking documents. Do you...

A. Give them to that person


B. Mutter "idiot" under your breath, read them, and put them aside to make your copies.

8. Does your answer change in #7 if I was the idiot?

9. The guy who sits next to appears to do no work - a far as you can tell, he spends his days surfing the Internet and writing something non-work related (for all the time he spends writing, it could be a book!) - Are you...

A. Angry since he should he carrying his weight


B. In awe of him and hoping he will take you under his wing.

10.. Do you find my looks intimidating?

Rock On,


Tuesday, June 6, 2006


At NYCC's open mic on Monday night, I won a guest spot on their pro show. The MC gives it out , to who he thinks had teh best set.

Well, on Tuesday I went to another open mic, and this ditzy chick from the one on Monday sat next to me. We make small talk though I answer curtly as I really wasn't all that interested.
She sees this other dude from the Monday mic walk in. He did really well too.
She said to me, "Remember him from last night?"
"I really thought he was gonna win." I looked up at her, smiling widely.
She innocently replied, "No?"


Rock on,


Friday, June 2, 2006


I'm still in shock over what happened yesterday in my office. My boss called me into his office and asked me to close the door. Apprehensively, I sat. Then he told me something I never thought I'd hear for as long as I work here...

The 49 year old quiet serial killer who lives with his parents and sits next to me who's worked here for 14 years....quit.
Apparently, he's saved enough that he doesn't have to work anymore.

Between that and that storm last night, I'm pretty sure The Apocalypse is upon us (not to mention 6-6-06 next week - another Omen?)

I told my boss that I want to be part of the process. I ain't working next to two morons who I cant stand (unless it's my fault).

So if you know anyone with 2-4 years of General Ledger experience, here's what we're looking for (per me)...

1. Shouldn't be ambitious - that's number one - there's no room for advancement so if that's what you're looking for, you might as well just bang your head into a wall.

2. Can't be religious - All I need is another religious knucklehead to bond with the first religious knucklehead.

3. Should like sports - It's unfathomable to me that I work in a Wall Street firm and I cant talk sports with anyone here - it's like The Bizarro Firm.

4. If I grumpily answer the first question or two you ask, you should just leave me alone - It means that I'm not in the mood - whether it's work, Pedro Martinez's outing , or whatever....sometimes, I just wanna stare at my computer. I'm fairly certain that you will consider me "The Cool Guy" here and you'll wanna impress me like a puppy dog to his master...but don't. It'll only annoy me.

5. If I then start talking out of nowhere, you should talk too - It means that I'm now in a better mood and can deal with you.

6. Don't ever say "Good morning" to me. For some reason, that phrase annoys me. "What up?" or "how's it going?" will suffice.

7. If you ever get Ring Dings downstairs, you better damn well get me too...or be prepared to share yours.

8. Only say "dude" if you mean it in a disparaging way.

9. You'd better think "Don't Post a Picture if You're Ugly" is the best book title ever.

10. You have to love stand up comedy and have friends who wanna see lots of shows.

I think that's it for now.

Rock On,


Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Horror Convention Anectodes

I got back yesterday after four daze at the World Horror Convention in San Francisco. I'm not gonna bore y'all with the details (you'll have to buy issue 5 of Surreal for that!) but I do have a couple of anecdotes that you'll like (and hopefully Surreal readers will as well since they're going into my story....

Bronwen came with me, and by midday Friday she was already bored (we got in Thursday midday). I explained that I had warned her I was gonna be busy with the convention...panels, meeting people, watching Surreal's booth, etc.

Her reply?

"I thought you were joking!"

God help me.

Also, on the elevator, Bronwen eavesdropped on two writers...

"That's a nice book," one said, weighing it in his hand, "but I think I got you beat." He handed the book to the other person and took a different book out of his bag. "Check this out."
"Impressive," the other replied, holding it in one hand, "But, I think mine's denser."

It was like American Psycho, but geekier.

Rock On,


Monday, April 10, 2006

(Not So) Great Moments in Improv! Part Two

December 13, 1974 - The only All-Blind Improv troupe, "Who Turned Out the Lights?!?" performs in their first and last show. "No one knew what the hell anyone was doing," explained participant Ken DiBella, who continued, "I'd be in a scene thinking that my partner was a superhero and I was his assistant, only to find out later that he was a bird and he thought I was a hunter. It was anarchy!"

June 16, 1986- Glen Wainwright, a member of "Everybody in the Gene Pool!" succumbs to a heart attack during a show in Des Moines. Though he may've survived with immediate treatment, no one realized he was actually dying and he was left onstage and used as a running gag for twenty minutes. A custodian discovered the body five minutes after the show ended.

September 23, 1992 - In Albuquerque, the highly publicized (and criticized) "Convicts Doing Improv" program, where felons received weekend passes to perform Improv, ended after three months due to poor ticket sales. Organizers blamed scene choices made by the convicts as every scene was either about serial murder , gangbanging, and/or incest.

February 20, 2002 - Improv SuperGroup "Guns and Posers!" disbands after months of acrimony culminating in tonight's show where members Jimmy Walls and Damon Curcio refused to leave the stage when Steven Pirsos and Julie Riccardo stepped in to start a new scene. All four participants were rushed to the ER to get medical attention thanks to the ensuing melee.

October 18, 2005 - While performing with "Down With People!", first time performer Jack Childress slips on a fake banana peel and suffers a real spinal cord injury. "If I had a chance, I'd do it all over again...except for the slipping on the banana peel part, " Jack stated after momentarily taking out his breathing tube.

April 9, 2006 - While performing in his first Improv show with Team Genesis, Harris Bloom inexplicably decides to, mid-scene mind you, pretend that he's been driving the whole time. After 30 seconds, he realized that he probably should grasp an imaginary steering wheel. Ten seconds later, the scene mercifully ends.

So last night was the Big Show....The first show by the first graduating students of the World's first Improv class. Rather than write a diary, I'd like to hand out some awards....

Deer in Headlights Award - Harris Bloom
See "Not-So-Great Moments in Improv"

Most Improved Male Improver - Luke Younger
From crying in class to being my personal favorite performer last night, you've come a long way baby. By the way, in forty. fifty years, when Alzheimer's has taken my memory, something tells me that I'll still remember Luke crying, and continuing to cry because he just didn't know what to say.

Most Improved Female Improver - Jeanne Knoll
Jeanne Knoll began class as timid as Armando Benitez pitching for the Mets trying to save a game vs. the Braves in a pennant race, but by last night, she shed that label like Armando Benitez pitching for the Marlins pitching against the Mets (God, I hate him). Every freakin' save we needed, he'd....oh wait...Jeanne...yeah, that kid did alright! I think she even mentioned s...e....x once. Anyway, speaking of saves...

Mariano Rivera Award (aka Best Save of the night) - Jason Quarles
I was in a scene where I announce a "Mr. Love" - no one got up to enter - Aaron (my scene partner) then pleaded for Mr. Love to appear - enter Jason, thankfully, as Mr. Love, not only saving the scene but ratcheting it up a notch. Well played Jason, well played.

Best skipping while teasing Jill Twiss by singing, "I've got a healthy kidney and you don't!" - Leah Bonoma
I think that's pretty self-explanatory. Speaking of Jill...

The "I Killed The Dog...Again" Award - Jill Twiss
I dont care what Aaron sez...that's not funny.

Best Jerry Shack Impression - Mike Johnson
Though I don't recall him "leading" any scenes, Mike displayed an uncanny ability to play off others, usually a role that Jerry Shack takes on. Which brings me to....

Most Jaw-dropping performance - Jerry Fuckin' Shack
That's his new nickname, replacing "Stinky" - In my weeks and weeks of performing with Jerry, I'm not sure I've ever heard him curse (on or off stage). Then came last night. Either due to trying to break out of his mild-mannered persona or the result of eating bad clams, Jerry infused several of his scenes with a steady stream of expletives not heard in these parts since Fleet Week '05.

The above illustrates what's so great about Improv. We always see actors interview that they took a certain role because it allowed them to do something different - to be cast "against type" as a character we'd never associate with them. Even as comics, once you develop your stage persona, you're pretty much locked in to that POV. You certainly can't change within a set or you'll confuse and/or alienate your audience. Even changing mid-career is a risky proposition.
Improv allows you to do just that - not only aren't you locked in to what people expect from you, but you can't do what anyone expects. Each short scene forces you to be someone else. And Improv takes it all one step further. Unlike a movie or stand-up, you're operating without a script. While that may seem scary, it's not. It's actually liberating. There's no right or wrong way to play a scene. You can be as wild or melancholy as your imagination allows. You may end up displaying a range that even you didn't think you were capable of (My friends were actually shocked at how animated I was onstage).

And best of all, you're never flying without a net. Your teammates are your net. The camaraderie built during classes is real and is what gets you onstage for the first time with confidence, because you know that no matter what choices you make onstage there'll someone else there standing next to you helping to make it work. Unless you're driving a car without a steering wheel. Then you're on your own.

Rock On,


Friday, April 7, 2006

My Dog is Gangsta

Actually, no, he's OG - like Original Gangter, mafia, Italian, Godfather...that kinda stuff - lemmee explain...

Bronwen and I always have to make anything movable is either bolted to the floor or kept high enough so that Stewie cant get to it. There's nothing more fun to him than surprising me while I'm on the sofa with one of my socks in his mouth, daring me to chase him. As soon as I move to get him, he runs with it.

The other morning, I got up and Stewie followed me into the living room. I watched TV or whatever and lost track of what Stewie was doing. After a while, I looked for him.

I found him in the bedroom, lying at the foot of the bed. Bronwen was still sleeping, but right next to her, on my pillow, was one of her socks. Message sent.

Thank God I saw it before Bronwen woke up.

Rock On,


Tuesday, April 4, 2006

Yet More Open Mic Madness!

Went to the weirdest open mic I've ever been to on Saturday afternoon. It was in the back of a cafe in Chelsea. Not merely just for comics, this mic was for poets, musicians, whomever.

There were about ten of us. I went first...did okay, whatever. The next guy gets up. Since I joked about Queens College, he said that he went there 30 years ago for their modern dance classes. He then proceeded to show us what he learned. His steps seemed familiar though I couldn't place it. After about two minutes of dancing (no music of course), he bows. The host said, "So they taught you the Electric Slide?" Since we each had ten minutes, he then sung a song by Billie Holiday.

The hostess hugged him as he was getting offstage because she "just loves giving hugs - they're free and awesome."

The next dude got up. Well, not literally, as he immediately went to all fours when his name was called. He proceeded to crawl to the stage while grunting. Eventually he got up and started running from one end of the room to the other, explaining that he loves space and freedom. I was beginning to wonder if freedom is such a good thing. He finished by blowing kisses at us while telling us that we loved all of us and that he hoped that one day soon, we could all have an orgy at The Rose Bowl. An orgy of 100,000 people where love would rule the day. I vomited in my mouth.

Then this interpretive dancer/poet got up. He apparently ran from Boston to get there since he was sweating the whole time we were there. Anyway, he did his dancing thing while reciting some nonsensical crap fro ten minutes.

Naturally he asked for a hug when he got off stage too.

Towards the end, the hostess, this heavyset new-agey chick explained that we were up to the Question of the Week segment - she went on a rambling diatribe about how people talk but not about the important, personal stuff. She explained how she hasn't spoken to her brother in ten years, but even when she did, it was all "Nice weather, huh" kinda stuff and they never delved into their emotions, their feelings (By the way, my feeling at this point was "nausea.")

She then went around the room and asked everyone to answer, "How personal do you like to get to know people?"

Mr. Dancer claimed, as he looked around the room, that being a dancer he could see all the unhappiness. He obviously missed my mug or he woulda seen "ridicule." Of course all the poets babbled on about how they LOVE getting to know people and what makes them tick, and how they perceive life, etc. I was last to answer...

"To be honest, I really don't care."

On that note, she moved onto the next act.

Rock On,


Sunday, March 12, 2006

Open Mic Notes

Did Underground Lounge open mic last's a bar but the back room has a stage and seats for shows.

One comic, who has some experience, got pissed off that no one was laughing at his set. "What do I have two heads up here?" - he also made fun of the audience when he knocked over the mic stand. "Oooooh...he knocked over the mic stand. Relax new guys, no reason to get yer panties in a bundle."

Another comic told me that dude's been doing open mics for 10 wonder he's so angry.

I was scheduled to go 12th. When the 3rd,4th guys were on, I was drinking a Diet Coke when I noticed that some of the condensation was falling off teh glass and onto my lap. I went immediately into panic mode (I cant get onstage with a wet spot there) and started rubbing it...but was worried someone would see me and think I was jerking off to the comedians.

Went back there on Thursday to do another open mic. It gets a big college crowd as the front room was packed, noisy and kept spilling into the back room (aka - The Lounge part) - not easy to focus on your stuff when only a velvet curtain separated us from drunken frat boys and sorority chicks screaming over music , but whatever...

Last Wednesday, I performed as an opening act for this experimental-type off-broadway theatre thingy. Got a few laughs...nothing big, but at least I got some experience in front of a normal (i.e. not comedians and not friends) audience. Two great things about it

1. My name was in the program.
2. I didn't blank out on stage

Rock On,


Wednesday, March 8, 2006

My Last Comic Standing "Audition"

So yesterday was auditions for Last Comic Standing at Caroline's. To be honest, I wasn't sure if I wanted to bother since being an accountant and all, I calculated my odds of making it on the show at infinitesimal and my odds of catching pneumonia at even money. But since I'm a gambler, an idiot and have a fully stocked medicine cabinet, I went anyway.

That would be Mistake Number One.

To prove the "idiot" part, I actually wore a suit as I figured that if I were close to the front of the line, maybe I could get to work for a half day.

Quickly, we're up to Mistake Numero Dos.

After sleeping for four hours the previous evening, I woke up around 4:30 AM...even my dog, who always jumps out of bed when I do wasn't having any of it. He sat there watching me with an "Dude, you're joking, right? It's fucking 5 AM!!" look on his face.

ANYWAY, I manage to get to the line by 5:30 AM - It was dark and about 30 degrees. I saw a few buds at the beginning in their sleeping bags, having gotten there at 6:30 PM the previous night. Around the corner, a couple of hundred comics from the entrance I spot a few regulars from the Monday NYCC open mic. They invite me to join them. "Cool," I think, while laughing at those who spent the night.

That was Mistake Number Three (the laughing and cutting part...karma will get ya every time).By the way, it wasn't 6:00 AM yet and I was already up to three mistakes in my day...much like Hitler's decision to invade Russia in the dead of winter and/or David Caruso's decision to leave NYPD Blue for a movie career, I think we know how this is gonna end.

I ended up spending twelve hours in line (keep reading though as that's not nearly the best part). I'll say this - the first seven, maybe even eight hours were fun, well, relatively fun, as I I'm not sure that I'd wanna do anything for eight hours in a row. Here were a few of the activities that kept us amused:

Since we were by a corner, people walking by were asking us what the line was for. Here were some of our reasons -
1. Since it was mainly guys on line, we were filming a sequel to the Houston 500 gangbang
2. Government cheese - we were Waiting for Gouda.
3. Menudo Reunion Tour - One guy said, "Wow. really?" I think he may've gotten on line.
4. We were waiting for the bar to open (and I asked someone if they had any whiskey on them).

Any time one of us made a joke that fell flat, one of us would say, "Man, you should TOTALLY open with that in there! That's Gold!"
Example: Someone mentioned that they're looking for controversy so they may wanna go in and just start throwing around the N-Bomb in there. See sentence above for next line.

Every five minutes, or so it seemed, we'd find ourselves staring at Larry King's evil visage on a billboard (seriously, when looking north on Broadway, check it out on the left hand side - as someone mentioned, he looks like Skeletor evilly grinning) and someone would do an impression of him either accepting a viewer call or making a prank call to an unsuspecting viewer ("Ozark, Alabama! You're on the air!", "But why? Who'd you say this was?") - good times...well, for the first seven or so hours. Believe it or not, that got a liiiiittle played after a while (though not as much as you'd think...maybe we were delirious)

Here are some other things you would find yourself discussing when you have 12 hours on line to kill.....

"Would you be here if it was raining? How about snowing? If it were five degrees colder? Ten? Let's say it was ten degrees older and there were flurries? What if it were five degrees warmer but it was raining locusts?"

"Look at that sign over there" (pointing at Charley O's) "It says, "Bar and Grill and Bar." (It did) "That's hilarious."
Someone else (doing Seinfeld impression) - "What's the deal with bars that have signs that say, 'Bar and Grill and Bar'" Are they afraid we missed it the first time?"
"Dude, you should TOTALLY open with that!

"How much change would it take for you to pick it up off the ground? A quarter? No!? What a about a buck? Yes? Okay, what if it were four quarters instead of a dollar? Okay, what if it were 20 nickels?" (Actually, I made this conversation up...though I have had it with friends while we hung out at bars).

At around 1-2 o'clock they told the back part of the line that they should go home as there was no chance they would be seen. While some did go home, others just cut the line. We let one guy in who we knew. Little did I know the consequences.

That would be Mistake Number Four.

Long story short (I know...too late), the next three hours were fairly miserable. We would all push whenever the doors to opened, and when we finally got to the front of the line, we were so packed, someone mentioned that they should rename the show "Last Comic Spooning" (I told him that he should TOTALLY open with that!).

Every time a comic came out not flashing a white piece of paper that said they made the callback, some of the comics on line serenaded him/her with, "Better luck next year," or "Hey, you gave it your all" or something like that.

That Would Be Mistake Number One for them (see: karma)

The whole time I was with a group of five or six comics....we were all right at the door. There were still at least a hundred behind us. They let a few more in....including most of "our gang," including the dude we let cut in...Lara and I were at the door, our noses pressed against it, gazing into The Promised Land. Then this woman came out.

"I'm so sorry but we can't see any more people."

As the comics behind us started cursing at her (seriously), Lara and I just stood there, looking at each other. mouths agape. Seriously, what are you gonna do? (Well, some would say, "Curse.")

After listening to more curses, the woman said that they are having auditions in Miami next week and we should go there. No, I'm not kidding. Quite frankly, I wanted to beat the crap out of her.

As I started walking home, tears welling up in my eyes (allergies), I looked up to ask God, "Why?!? Why me?!?" but all I saw was Larry King and his effin' evil face.

Rock On,


Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Open Mic Fun

So this black dude who I've never seen at one of these gets up to do his thing. He's young, got on baggy jeans and a hood pulled over his head.

His first few jokes are about him knowing that Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown still do crack since he's their dealer. He segues into how he doesn't see what the big deal is about the news that Bobby pisses on Whitney...that he'd first "light the beeyatch on fire and then piss on her." Everyone in the room is silent as no one knows if he's kidding.

He moves onto the city's Guns for Tickets Program - how New York wil give you tickets for concerts in you hand in your gun. He joked (I assume it was a joke) that he waits outside the building where the trade takes place and, using his gun, mugs the people for their tickets. Again, we're all just sitting there, more than slightly uncomfortably.

He then asked the MC how much time he had left.

I shouted, "As much as you want!"

Rock On,


Thursday, February 23, 2006

(Not So) Great Moments in Improv!

So as I mentioned previously, I started taking this Improv class a feww weeks ago. It's been fun and all, but last night something occurred that would already be on the Improv Classic Channel if there were such a thing. I already blogged about it on teh comedy soapbox (and there are a bunch of comments) but if you dont feel like going there - here's what happened...

Awww man...last week I had the pleasure of being present for The Best Open Mic Moment in History, and tonight I was there for The Best Improv Class Moment In At Least A While (I really haven't been to enough to know where it stands in a historical sense).

But seriously, as far as I'm concerned, it was at least worth the cost of tonight's class - anyway, here's what happened...

Me and this other guy were onstage doing a scene. The scene itself doesn't matter but I was sposed to be a 16-year-old playing a video game at Chuck-E-Cheese and he was my brother standing by me. I'm not sure why, but I was playing the 16 year old as an 8 year old (guess I'm not around many kids)...ANYWAY, I'm playing this game and I guess my scene partner couldn't think of what to do or say next (it's only our 4th class). So after us standing there in silence for ten seconds, he puts his head in his hands and starts crying. I continue playing the video game...we're silent for another ten seconds, when I say something like, "I got the umm, high score." His head's still in his hands with his shoulders convulsing as to continue his "crying." Another ten seconds pass which feels like an hour. Finally, he picks his head up and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't know where to go from here."

I'm really also laughing at myself here cause he and I are sposed to be working together and I shoulda been able to say something to get the scene going again (Like "I know why you're crying...I just beat your high score" - I'm awesome three hours later). But the rest of the class, on the subway, and while writing this blog, I've been breaking out in intermittent fits of laughter. I can't help but think of him with his head in his hands while thinking, "What the hell do I do now?" It was like he regressed to being five and didn't know what to do, so he cried.

I'm not sure I could ever do a scene with him again.

I swear...I'm still laughing every time I think of it.

Rock On,


Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Ya Can't Make This Stuff Up

Anyway, before my show last night, I did an open mic - turned out I was a part of history.....

So tonite I was fortunate enough to be present at what will undoubtedly be Numero Uno when VH1 runs out of music and TV related lists and does The Top 50 Open Mic Moments Of All Time. I only hope that I can be one of the talking heads for that show.

Now understand, it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to do this story justice as this was truly a "You Had to Be There" kinda story. And also cause I forgot a lot because I did a show right after and that tends to wipe out a lot of short term brain cells. I really wish someone taped it. But anyway...

So the fifth comic up is this slight white early-twenty something year old dude wearing a suit. Looking at him, I woulda guessed he'd do bits about the Tooth Fairy and/or Wine Tastings (d'oh!).

Anyway, he mentioned that he did a show the previous evening where there musta been some loud black people in the crowd. We know this because he tells us about it, and punctuates it by telling us how "they" have to ruin every public event by yelling and carrying on. First he talks about the men, but then includes the women too. Everyone's waits for a punchline to no avail.

I believe he then discussed how blacks brought us AIDS and he made pro slavery remarks (none with a punchline, mind you). Though he never dropped the N Bomb, he used other words that I hadn't heard since I last saw American History X (like "coon").

The other comics were in stunned silence pretty much throughout with some nervous-type laughter at how we couldn't believe what we were hearing. I looked around a few times with a face that approximated what my headshot looks like, but with my mouth wide open. I was met with similiar expressions.

That was the first four and a half minutes. For his last half minute he did a bit about the silliness of believing in Tooth Fairy.

The host berated him a bit before moving on with the mic.

Like I said, I really wish someone had taped it.

As I used to say at my last job....I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

Rock On,


Monday, February 13, 2006

Number One fan, indeed

Had a show last night. After I got home, I told Bronwen one of the new jokes that did well.

With a confused look on her face, she questioned, "Really?!?"

My number one fan, indeed.

Rock On,


Tuesday, February 7, 2006

just shoot me

Went to a Super Bowl party last night at Ed's. Once I'm with a bunch of people for any length of time and they hear that I do standup, it's inevitable that one of two things will occur:

Someone will either tell me they have a great joke for me (which usually causes me to say, "Let's hear it" while I bite down on my tongue and they launch into some 10 minute tale involving various ethnic or religious groups entering a bar) or someone on the group will tell me that their friends tell them that they should do standup (to which I reply, "That's cool" while pray that they don't tell me their jokes..and then I bite down on my tongue). Last night, we had the latter.

So we had a "Joke Off," going joke for joke much like Eminem in 8 Mile, but ummm, with jokes. Mahagen claimed that I was a comedy snob since I didn't laugh at her jokes, and while that may be true, my non-laughter was more likely due to the fact that anyone who either has Google or who gets forwarded jokes has probably heard those jokes before. I was waiting for her to tell me that she's on a seafood diet.

Rock On,


Monday, February 6, 2006

Delusional? Moi?

So Friday Night I did a show at Gotham. In what had to be a first, I actually thought that I did better than my friends (Deeanna and Rob) thought that I'd done. After the show, they were pretty busy telling me how I went too fast for the first few minutes of my set and told me how much they didn't like certain jokes.
I, on the other hand, thought that I got better laughs than most of the other comics on the bill, and in fact, in one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me, the comic who went on after me thanked me after the show for turning the crowd around (since the first few comics did pretty crappy).

I think I was happy since I used a few jokes that I'd never done before and got a good response (from most). On the other hand, maybe I'm in the process of becoming one of the billions of comics who think that they are better than they are. If that is so, don't tell me, gimmeee a few months of blissful ignorance.
Thank you.

Rock On,


Wednesday, February 1, 2006

God Help Her

Though this sounds like it coulda happened at my shop, this is from a friend:

So this guy sits across from me and everyday after lunch he brings in a small bag of plain m&ms. He has a special little jar for them and will munch on them over the course of the following two hours. You can actually set your watch to it.

Well, he comes back from lunch today and while he is hanging up his coat, he sets the bag of candy on the shelf. Forgetting to retrieve the m&ms, he goes to the men's room. Three minutes later, he remembers the bag, goes back to the closet and finds the candy is now gone.

After a 10 minute rant to all those sitting in his area...I may have even seen some beads of sweat trickling down his face...he sits down at his computer and furiously begins to type out an email.

This is the message he decided to send to the ENTIRE office (we're talking about 200+ people including CEO, CFO, etc. )

By the way, not wanting to watch him suffer any longer, I decided to lend him the $0.75 to buy a new bag.

To: Everyone
Subject:        lost - one bag mm's candy

If someone found a small bag of plain mm's candy on the shelf in the 4th
floor coat closet, please return to XXXX XXXX in Coding.

Thank you,

Coding Assistant

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

A Thank You to You, My Fans...

I feel the need to take a moment to thank you, my ever loyal fans, for your support of my rapidly stagnating comedy career.

Without you, and by "you" I mean the people who've come to see me perform my so-called act onstage, there wouldn't be an "act."

For no club would let me get on their stage unless I brought a few of you, willing to part with your hard-earned money - well, except for some of you (I'm looking at YOU Kim) - for their cover charge and to partake in their overpriced alcoholic beverages and bar-quality (aka nasty-a**) food.

And now, I have even more reason to give thanks...for I have been invited to Gotham Comedy Club's Holiday Party this coming Sunday evening (I assume it's late due to their fine new establishment not being open till beginning of January, when by the way, 25 of you braved the cold to watch me tell oft-told tales into a small microphone on a small stage to small laughs. Thank you once again.)

Knowing Gotham, I am sure they will go all out, the repast full of delicacies including, but not limited to, champagne, caviar, large shrimp, lobster fra diablo and chocolates, which will no doubt be nestled in the bosom of large bosomed women.

In any event, while attending this bacchanalia, I promise that you will all be in my thoughts...for I promise to attempt to eat and drink enough to make up for all the money that you've spent in seeing me.

As an added bonus, I promise to write an e-mail, detailing this sure-to-be exquisite party in details such that you will feel like you were there...almost.

Thank you for your support,

Rock On,