Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Shadier Than Wall Street

I've worked on Wall Street for 15 years (btw - I make less now than I did eight years ago...that shows what a great accountant I am). Anyway, though I've only been doing comedy for four years, I'm ready to pronounce the business as shadier than Wall Street for a variety of reasons. Reason number 42,509 took place yesterday.

I answered this ad on Craigslist looking for a comic. The ad (if yer too busy or disinterested to click on the link, or if it was taken down) promised a 15 minute spot and claimed the gig was a paying one. Cool!

I wrote to the guy, and soon thereafter, he (a comic named Will Shepherd) wrote me back, asking me for my phone number. He called immediately.

Will told me about the show, the opportunity to do 15 minutes, blah, blah, blah, and said I'd get paid $5 bucks for every person who comes to see me, and, oh yeah, I have to bring five people to perform.

The only question I had was whether he would actually hear me rolling my eyes.


Monday, July 27, 2009

Muggers With Hearts Of Gold

After my show Saturday, I met up with a few guys who lived in my courtyard growing up. I hadn't seen these guys in about 25 years.

We recounted old stories including the time one of them and another buddy of ours got mugged in Flushing Meadow Park while riding new bicycles. The muggers took their bikes, leaving them the old bikes they were riding...which makes sense. I mean, it would prolly be a pain to carry the old bikes with them.

Another time, one of them got mugged at knife-point. The guy asked him what he had in his brown bag.
"What is it?"
"Peanut butter and jelly."

The mugger then took his lunch... and gave my buddy his knife. And that's how my bud got his first knife.

I'd love to know if there was some Rules of Mugging involving leaving the muggee with something of value, cause when I got mugged, I got nutin'.


This One For Comics Only

MC'ing a show at Gotham on Saturday, this comic blew the light. I had to clap him offstage (aaawwwkwarrrd!).

Afterwards, he apologized for his behavior saying, "I just didn't see the light."

This is would a decent excuse except that once the light went on, he asked, "Was that the light?"

I replied from the side, Yes."


btw - Favorite thing about his act - every time audience member talked during his set, he scolded them with, "Hey, don't steal my thunder" - which was funny as he wasn't exactly lighting it up.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Playing The (Doggie) Race Card

So, I've been taking Kilo, my foster charge, to the dog run. He's really well-behaved, pretty much ignoring people and other dogs while keeping a tennis ball clenched in his jaw. He'll extend it to me, but only to play tug of war... an unwinnable war from my end (so far).

Anyway, last night I ventured into the run, where there was only one dog present (it was raining). Once Kilo entered, this other dog proceeded to chase Kilo, nipping at his ears.

Kilo really wasn't into it, running away while snapping at the other dog to keep him at bay. The other dog's owner, seeing what was going on, tried half-heartedly to call her dog away, but he ignored her. Eventually, she gave up and laughed, telling me, "I guess my dog's gonna make your dog play, whether he likes it or not."

I smiled back at her, and replied, "Yeah, well, as you can see, he's friendly, but he is a pit bull. I just hope he doesn't snap."

She immediately, and far more urgently, called her dog, who followed her out of the run.


Monday, July 20, 2009

So You're Telling Me It's Derivative?

This weekend, I started passing posters for this new horror flick, The Collector.

Under the title it said, From The Writers of Saw 4, 5 and 6. Now, I like horror films, and I didn’t even know there was a Saw 6. I did see the 4th one and all I gotta say is, I wouldn’t brag about writing it. It wasn’t exactly Catch 22. I mean, you’ll never see a mafia movie advertised as From the writer of the Godfather 3!


Thursday, July 16, 2009

I Wouldn't Say I'm Overly Excited

Someone asked me if I was gonna see the new Harry Potter flick.

I replied, "Yeah, if Josie can't find anyone else to go with."


Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Sotomayor Refuses To Discuss Abortion (Not Hers)

I love it how Supreme Court nominees don't have to say how they would vote on specific topics, like abortion.

I'd love to be able to go on a job interview and when dude asks what my weaknesses are, I'd say, "You'll see."


Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Just Don't Look In The Closet

Okay, I'm not the most handy of men. That's been proven time and time again.

But this is ridiculous (and, yeah, I'm leaving it this way, as it was the best I could do)...


Monday, July 13, 2009

We Have A Winner!

As told in my Breakfast Bigamy post below, I was conflicted about my choice of breakfast cart...until this morning.

Hungry, I decided to get the eggs/cheese/roll from Johnny Come Lately. Sure, he asked me about my weekend and all...I couldn't care less...but he gave me free bacon.

My choice has been made.


Friday, July 10, 2009

Breakfast Bigamy

For the last six or seven years, I've gone to the same breakfast cart on the way to work, and got the same breakfast muffin (the guy in it starts wrapping it when he sees me).

Recently, a new, bigger cart has opened its doors, well, window, closer to my office. And this one makes egg sandwiches. A few times during the past month, I've cheated on my regular dude to go to this WalMart of Breakfast Carts. I felt bad but hey, eggs!

Anyway, after getting eggs yesterday, I just went to my old guy and got a muffin today. Only problem is that I had to walk past WalMart, which I did...and the owner first smiled, but then, seeing I already had a brown paper bag, gave me a sad look like I stole his puppy.

So my choice going forward is either 1. eat at WalMart, eggs or otherwise, or 2. Walk three blocks out of my way to avoid The Eyes of WalMart.


Shout Out

Today's Josie and my two year anniversary of our first date.

I have no idea what my life would be like without her, and I don't want to know.

Love you.


Thursday, July 9, 2009

The Tell

At work, I can always tell when "important people" are here from our parent company - Lunch in the conference room is being delivered by the good Italian restaurant.


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Josie Isn't The Coddling Type

One would think that a husband's concern for his wife's safety would be met with adoring love by the wife. Not Josie.

Since yesterday's slight overreaction on my part, Josie's been calling me up, pretending to be kidnappers looking for ransom. Whatever...

I am used to her mocking my little eccentricities. For example, Josie thinks I'm a bit of a hypochondriac (I still have that pain by the way...jus' sayin'). I told her that I weighed myself and have gained ten pounds.

She said, "Funny you say that, I just read somewhere that the average brain tumor is ten pounds."

Can't wait till we have kids.


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

My Wife Was (Almost) Kidnapped

When I got home from walking Kilo this morning, I fed him, took some cereal for myself, and walked into the living room. I thought it was odd that the bedroom door was open (I left it closed) with no noise emanating from the bedroom, so I peaked in. Josie was not in bed. I could feel a slight panic rise within. I called her name. No answer.

She had told me she slipped in the shower the other day so I ran into the bathroom, not really expecting to see her since the light was off, but I had to check. No one there. I called her name again. Nothing.

I looked around the bedroom - no sign of a struggle. I tried to reason with myself.

Why would anyone kidnap her? We couldn't pay any ransom. While sure, I do have lots of enemies, I don't think they care that much. She probably went to the gym. Yeah, that's the logical thing to think.

I thought about it for a second. Then I called her name again. Nothing.

I ran to the closets, again, not really thinking she was in there, even if this was a joke, she woulda given up already, but I had to check. Just clothes and shoes.

Then I remembered this weird call I got while walking Kilo. A hang-up from a foreign number (foreign to me, not from a different country). Someone with an accent was on the other line, but after I asked who it was, they hung up. By then, I was sweating. What the heck?!? I called her cell phone. No answer. Left a message, then a text message.

Ah, she must be at the gym. Pull it together, Harris.

I tried to act normal, put my work clothes on, watched NY1 for the weather report, etc. Then, I looked for a note - preferably one from Josie explaining that she went to the gym, but also, for a ransom note.

Forcing myself to act semi-rationally, I left the apartment for work, hoping to run into Josie on the way to the subway. I was going to stop off at the gym to see if she checked in, but thought better of it.

Seriously, Harris? Kidnapping is your immediate thought?

So, I got on the subway and went to work, all the while watching my cell to see any incoming calls. I watched other glum-looking people going to work wondering if they knew anyone who's been kidnapped.

I walked out of the subway trying to will the phone to ring. And it did...I saw it was Josie, or someone on her phone...
"Hey," Josie said, "Yeah, I went to the gym. Sorry I didn't leave a note."
"No problem," I replied, as cool as ever.
"If it was 'no problem,' then why'd you leave a panicked message for me pleading to call you immediately?"


Monday, July 6, 2009

Sounds Like A Joke

How do you bathe a 50 pound pit bull that doesn't wanna be bathed?

No, seriously, I dunno the answer.

I don't want my wife to think I'm scared of Kilo, but I'm not sure how long she's gonna go for the "I actually like the smell of dog and mud!" reasoning.