Putting A Happy Face On

I love how animal rescue sites try to warn you about adoptable dogs' poor behavior by making it appealing - I saw one this morning that read, "...and Cody will love to decorate your house with toilet paper any chance she gets!"

If I wrote one for Kilo, here would be some tidbits.......

Kilo is so athletic, he will jump right up to your nose and bite it!

Kilo is good at whimpering or crying when he wants or needs something, which is all the time!

Kilo is great on the leash, assuming you consider lunging at other dogs great!

Kilo is so full of love and affection that he will continue to jump on you, no matter how many times you yell, "No!"

Kilo is so smart, he'll figure out how to get into your garbage can, eat the contents, and then throw up everywhere!

Harris

btw - these are jokes about Kilo, he's a great dog, and he's never thrown up...at least not after getting into the garbage, which he has done.

Bill Simmons ("The Sports Guy") Is An Idiot

This isn't gonna be about his deficiencies as a writer.

I mean, YES, he uses the same lines time and time again, and YES, it is ridiculous how he STILL uses Shawshank, The Karate Kid and Rocky movies to underscore his points. Also, his increased popularity, coinciding with his move to L.A. has changed his point of view, from "man of the people" to "check me out, hanging with Jimmy (that's Mr. Kimmel to you) while watching all ten games on my sweet plasma screen setup."

He also got kinda screwed by the fact that his Boston teams became good, and with that often comes mass hatred (pun intended) - I don't think he handles that well, incorporating an "eff you" bent to his columns, but whatever.

This is about his lack of knowledge of gambling, something he professes to know a lot about, and continually makes the same wrong point, as he did in his latest column when he wrote...

"I tried to determine a science for picking games in the first few weeks. Bookies are terrified of that stretch for this reason: There's no ironclad way to distinguish good teams from the bad teams yet."

My problem is with his declaration that "bookies are terrified."

Wrong.

Bookies don't set the lines. We do. All bookies care about is making sure that half the money goes to each team...that way they make coin no matter who covers.

A team like Dallas, which has a huge national following, gets a few points it's way just because it has so many fans who bet on them (bookies try to get gamblers to bet on their opposition). It has nothing to do with bookies liking Dallas.

I swear, every time he writes that I feel like getting The Sisters to pay him a visit. Or Byron Hadley. Or at least sweeping his leg.

Harris

Confused

Why is David Spade catching flak about his ad with the late Chris Farley? I don't recall anyone saying songs where dead people are singing to be in poor taste.

Harris

Rock and Roll All Night

Growing up, I wanted to join The Kiss Army but was rejected due to my asthma.

Harris

The State Of Comedy (I Need Somebody to Shove)

I was recently in two contests in Connecticut recently where I was pitted against 30 and 23 other comics.

In the first contest, unlike myself, they were all from Connecticut (I got in since I had done shows at this club).

I made it past the first round, which isn't saying a lot if you saw most of these other comics.

I made it past the second round though I was lil worried as, even though I was the best pure comic on the show, the crowd wasn't all that into me (of course that brings up the question as how can I be the best if I didn't get the most laughs...see the next sentence to see how I justify it). They preferred really hacky jokes about sex and stereotypes. I was still confident as this contest was not decided by audience laughter, but by actual judges. They wouldn't be swayed by the audience, who were cracking up at jokes so bad, I rarely even hear them at open mic nights.

They were.

I got eliminated in the third round. Just to give you an example of what I was up against, the guy who probably got the best crowd reaction had jokes like, "I got stopped by a Chinese cop...I had never seen a Chinese cop before so I rolled down the window and said, 'I'll take pork friend rice and dumplings.'" He then added, "So, I'm in jail."

This same comic got an applause break when asking why women look back when they are having sex doggystyle. "Is it because they want to make sure you're still there (laughs), or because they can't feel it so they want to make sure it's still in? (hysterics)"

This is what I lost to.

The second contest was worse. Without boring you with details, I made it past the first round but couldn't beat a few comics who were worse than most NY open micers in the next round.

Needless to say, I was burning. I was actually too shocked to be angry. I stood around assuming this had to be some sort of joke, then, upon realizing the joke was on me, I wondered if everyone was taking crazy pills.

Then came the anger. But who to be angry at? I can't be angry at the comics...they hear laughs so they have no reason to change. They are also getting approval from the judges. I can't even blame the judges. These weren't industry vets, they were hosts of morning shows and comedy websites (which, by and large, suck). So who to blame? Can I blame the audience for laughing?
No, they're just laughing at what they find funny. I can't blame the booker either...he's giving the audience what they want.

So, who can I blame? No one...

...and that's what sucks.

Harris

So, Whatcha Readin'?

I had a gig a few weeks ago where I took a train out of the city with another comic who was on the show. A comic that I disliked, and had no interest in talking to for a two-hour train ride.

"I think I'll bring a book, and when we sit down, I'll immediately open it," I had told Josie. Thinking about it, I continued, "Is that really rude?"
"Um, yes!"
So, I decided not to bring the book.

The day of the show, the other comic greeted me at the train station. We picked out our seats. As soon as we sat down, he took out a book."

Harris

Settling

Yesterday, while playing the Oakland Raiders, Jets QB Mark Sanchez was caught on the sidelines eating a hot dog.

When asked why he did it, Sanchez replied, "I couldn't find the fondue guy."

Harris