If I'm understanding Josie correctly, we're not gonna have a bridal party. Fine with me as it avoids this conversation.
Josie - Okay, I did my list and I will have seven bridesmaids. Me -Seven? I don't even have seven friends!
We're also not gonna have a best man or maid of honor. So they won't be giving toasts. Instead, it's gonna be like her friend Megan's, wedding, where toasts were done open mic style (Aside to comics: You don't have to buy a drink and there's no $5 fee!)
Funny thing there, at one point during the open mic toasts, Megan's father was asking if anyone else had something to say. When no one did, he asked if her friends from home wanted to say anything and specifically called out Josie.
Now, I don't exactly recall what Josie said, but I recall her using the words "wonderful" and "circles" a lot (e.g. "It's wonderful how Megan creates circles of friends whereever she goes")
Lesson here is - Be Prepared. As anyone who knows my mom will attest, she won't think twice about calling you out.
Wedding plans movin' along - we will be picking a place to be maddied by the end of this weekend. Next will be food (I'll be spearheading that) and flowers (Josie). But we still have to pick a first song.
We used to joke about doing some fast paced dance to a rap song, but then someone stole that idea and ended up on The Today Show.
I also thought Josie could lip synch "I Need A Hero" for a minute before I ride in astride a white horse. She rejected that.
Anyway, here are a few of our other song ideas....
Don't Stop Believing Separate Ways Welcome to the Jungle Living on a Prayer Let The Bodies Hit The Floor Smack My Bitch Up Me So Horny
First of all, given that Josie and I wanna get maddied ("Married?!?" "Yes! Maddied!!" "Married?!?") in late Fall, according to one wedding-centric website, we are already behind on like 64 things that we gotta take care of. On the other hand, we aren't behind on like 100 other things, so all in all, I think we're ahead of the game...no?
Secondly, although I couldn't make it, the rest of the team competed last night...and (somehow) won. Not to take anything away from my teammate's victory, but I heard that the competition wasn't as strong as previous weeks. I'm just sayin'.
Thirdly, there's a restaurant near my job - The Pershing Cafe - that has a sign in its window "The busiest breakfast in NY!" - Who are they trying to appeal to? Pickpockets with a craving for flapjacks?
Naturally, the dentist took me a half hour late so I could think the worst a little longer. After taking a look at my outlaw tooth, he said we were gonna move into his other room. He claims it was cause the light was better in there...I think it was cause he wanted to move me further from the waiting room when I screamed (I was already whimpering).
Before beginning, I told him about my weak gag reflex, which I'm sure impressed him. I may as well have told him I liked apple martini's. Oh, wait.
ANYWAY, the actual root canal went fine. In fact, I asked the dentist why they had such a bad rep. He said that they used to be bad and sometimes, if the infection is worse, there may be some pain.
Gotta go back next week to get permanent cap. I told him I had such a good time, I may bring friends.
I'm gonna have my first root canal. I'm hoping there won't be a sequel.
And I can't wait as my dentist told me there's a chance it could abscess and get a bubble which could travel to my brain and kill me.
And they wonder why people fear the dentist.
She also told me that studies have shown that plaque can increase the risk for diabetes, strokes and even premature, low birth weight babies. I told her that's not really a problem as I don't think I could get pregnant while I have ovarian cysts.
Apparently, it's gonna be a difficult one as my dentist is sending me to a specialist to do it.
Sorry About Your Daughter (patent pending) marched into Hell's Kitchen and once again conquered a bunch of over matched, under armed wannabees, thereby securing our third consecutive title. And with it, another bottle of vodka.
Next time, we're gonna ask to have the vodka sit at our table ...and we'll drink it during the "competition" (if one can even call it that anymore).
As inferred previously, Josie doesn't take too well to the way society instills a certain expectation of women from an early age. For example, she's fairly disgusted with the whole "fairy tale princess needing to be saved by her prince" thingy. I believe her when she says she wasn't one of those girls who knew at age eight exactly how her wedding day will go.
For that reason, it's kinda funny seeing the "excited- needing to plan - i'm getting married" Josie.
Surprising her was impossible, given that for two months, I couldn't even start a sentence with "Will you...?" without her googling "vera wang." In fact, the night I proposed, I had to hide the ring in my sock, considering she frisked me every time I met her anywhere.
A few reactions....
My brother - "Seriously, did you knock her up?"
Her father (re: the wedding) - "I don't want to be involved. Just tell me how much to write the check for... and don't forget, I'm retired."
My mom (after thirty minutes of "congratulations!" - ".., I never thought Harris would settle down again. Woman after woman after woman after woman ... no one could hold his attention." (Josie just laughed)
Wednesday night is Trivia Night at this bar in Hells Kitchen. Twice in the past month me, Josie, and a couple of anonymous friends have gone. We won...both times. And to the victor goes the bottle of vodka.
Not that we're getting cocky but next time we go, we're gonna ask that they put the bottle on our table before the game starts...and do shots throughout the game.
btw - The title refers to our team name - Sorry About Your Daughter
After three or so years of pain, ranging from nagging to ummm, somewhat more-than-nagging, I decided to go to the doc about my knee. After x-rays and some feelin' around, last Monday, I started physical therapy.
This week it hurt more than it had at any time during the past three years.
At this rate, I'll be in a wheelchair just in time for the summer.
Upon seeing on The Today Show that there are like 5MM women in the U.S. who abuse alcohol, Josie, who works primarily with victims of sexual assault said, "That's probably cause every time a woman leaves her home, she's in a combat zone."
For those of you too lazy, this dude tried to cash a forged check for 360 Billion dollars. That's American money, not pesos or shekels. (Not that American money is what it used to be, but still...360 billion dollars is still 360 billion dollars...just not what 360 billion dollars was...where was I? Oh yeah...)
The only drug they found on hm was marijuana.
I'm thinking the anti-marijuana lobby should use this case as Exhibit One in their argument to keep marijuana from becoming legalized.
Here are a few pics from my New Orleans weekend...
It was muddy
It was crowded during the day at Jazz Fest
It was crowded at night on Bourbon Street.
Tough to see on this pic of the menu at Mother's, but one of the items in the meat biscuit is "debris." I wish I'd asked what exactly they mean by debris, but looking it up, in Cajun-land, debris is chopped up roast beef, which sounds awesome!
And now, what will undoubtedly be your fave...
Me after three sips of a Hurricane. Or I will will now call it: My New Head Shot.
Last night at 5 PM (okay, "Last late afternoon...") on the CBS local news, they had a story on this new phenomenon of older women dating, and marrying younger men. Apparently, these women are called "cougars."
Dunno if I have to say this but, yo...CBS, 2005 called...they want their phenomenon back.
This morning, on The Today Show, I have no idea why they had a remote story on U.S. missiles and nuclear weapons but who was the "reporter?" None other than Al Roker.
I can't say I paid much attention but I'm sure the Army General was thrilled when he saw who they sent to do the story.
Al - Hey guys! I'm here with army general Lance Stubring (?) It is fantastic to be here! Army General - Thank you for coming, sir. Al - (Pointing to weapon behind him) - I'll guessing that doesn't measure the barometric pressure! (Laughs) AG - No, sir, it does not. Al - (Still laughing) Okay, speaking of the weather, today's pick city is Jacksonville, Florida, where it's gonna be a beautiful day today, highs in the mid to upper 80's. Are there any atomic warheads in Florida? (Still laughing) AG - That's classified information, sir. Al - (Still laughing) Okay, then. (Silence) Al - Anything else you wanna add? AG - No, sir. Al - Okay then, back to you guys! (Laughing)
Tourist - Hi, Mr. Diddy, or may I call you P? Either way, it sounds pretty funny. Anyway, I'm looking for a good place to eat. P. Diddy - Sure, I'd go to Masa. Tourist - But, isn't that place ridiculously expensive? P. Diddy - I really don't know. What does expensive mean? Tourist -Nevermind...How about the best burger in New York? P. Diddy - Oh, that's easy, The Old Homestead. They got this kobe burger...you have to have one. Tourist -Umm, ok. How about nightlife? Where should me and my friends go tonight? P. Diddy - Well, lotta hot spots in the Meatpacking District, but you know, me and my posse still like to kick it at Marquee. Tourist - I think I've heard of that? Are there lines? Would four middle-aged couples from Kansas have trouble getting in? P. Diddy - I don't think so, I mean, I just walk right in. Tourist - Thanks P. Diddy!
A few thoughts from my weekend trip to N'Awlins...
1 - Looked remarkably good - they prolly cleaned up all the tourist related spots as quickly as possible but you really couldn't tell but for some boarded up homes.
2 - It wasn't a weekend for sandals (I don't wear them anyway). Due to thunderstorms leading up to Saturday, the field where Jazz Fest was held was a muddy mess. One of my buds was wearing sandals... a few times, they got stuck in the mud. He ended up leaving them at the hotel (He's a bit of a germaphobe.)
3 - They only charged $4 for Miller Lite's. Weird to me as they coulda charged whatever they wanted. Not that I'm complainin', shit, I had myself, ummm, one. Hey! Being in the sun all day I was worried I'd get a headache!
4 - This was a bachelor party weekend. One guy brought a camera. He's lucky it didn't get smashed. When I said we should leave the hotel at 10:30 for a 12:25 plane home, this same guy said, "...at the latest!" We got to the airport at 11...sat around for an hour and a half.
5 - I didn't really gel with the other guys. I had nothing in common with some and others were annoying post-frat-boy types. Conversations included how fast each has gone in a car and how gay guys who ordered cokes or salads were.
6 - Kinda odd to me how many of the bars has a stage, with a singer singing over a radio track of a song...basically karaoke. Why didn't they just let Bon Jovi do his thing I dunno.
7 - I remember Hurricanes tasting better. I drank half of one.
8 - Some representative quotes from me this weekend - "Hey guys! I brought cookies!" "You notice there aren't a lot of hot chicks here, but lotsa good looking guys?" "Show us your boobies!!! Yay!!!" "Do you have any sweet drinks, like say, a Pina Colada?" "I'm going in."
9 - I stayed out till 2:30 Friday night (Saturday morning), but by Saturday night, I was finished - went in at 12. While others are prolly still feelin' the effects of the weekend, I'm totally refreshed and ready for a full week of "work."
Actually, gonna take a half day today. Starting physical therapy on my knee.
Me, Josie, Doug, and a couple other friends were hangin' out at Conker Hill, a bar in Hell's Kitchen. We went there cause we thought it was Trivia Night, an event we won a few weeks ago (it was our first time there, too!). Alas, for some unexplained reason it was cancelled last night, but we decided to have a few drinks anyway.
After we had bought a few rounds, the bartender offered to buy us back one. "Not for me, thanks," I started, "I've had enough." I did have three Guinesses (Guinei?). "Sorry, but I'm pouring for everyone," the bartender insisted. That's when I got the idea... "Okay, we'll have a Stella, a Bud Light, a Whisky Sour, and..." I leaned in, and whispered, "A Diet Coke." "What was that?" The bartender asked, "A Diet Coke?!" "Umm, yeah."
Of course, it didn't die there. When he came back with the drinks, he loudly asked, "Okay, who's got the Diet Coke, again?!?"
I'm a comedian, a writer, and an accountant. Guess which one I'd like to quit.
Not only do I perform at comedy clubs but am experienced at helping to organize and perform at fundraisers and benefits, so if you would like to schedule one, and can use a comic to help, feel free to e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Thanks!