Sunday, December 28, 2003

Building Christmas Party

I had an Building Christmas Party (I would say Holiday party but there wasn't a menorah nor dreidal in sight...sure, it stings) last night - from what I understand it was the frst time this was done...surprising since I live in a small pre-war (I think it may be The Civil War they are referring to) building where everyone knows everyone (except me...more on that later)

It's literally at the apartment facing mine so I walk in a bit late (fashionable as always) and say that I'm sorry I was late but I got lost...yes, an easy joke (perhaps even beneath me) but I really dont know my neighbors and wanted to start off with a sure-fire crowd pleaser...worked like a next door neighbors (married) are really the only ones I tawk to at all so the guy was introducing me around...he must think I'm American Indian cause he introduced me as "This is Harris He's Funny"....everyone gave me the obligatory, "We've seen each other in the halls but never really met, blah, blah, blah." I've only lived there two years (longest I've lived anywhere since my marriage broke up by the way)

I start rappin to my neighbor from the other side of the floor (I only have two neighbors) who musta said "THANK YOU!!" 110 times....not as a reply to a compliment, but as an appreciation that I agree with her. For instance she would say that she had her stereo on at level 3 at 2:00 in the afternoon and her down stairs neighbor would complain....I said, "Complain at 2:00 in the afternoon??!"...she said, "Thank You!!...She's nuts!!"

One neighbor left to watch Survivor which led me to tell them how I tried out but didn't make it (they wanted me to bring over my video that i sent in..yes, i made a copy) and my Blind Date disaster as well...everyone there was listening to me at this point (aboot 15) so at least peeps had something to tawk to me aboot the rest of the night ("So, are ya gonna try again?" "What made ya wanna go on?" "If a train left Topeka going 30 mph and another....")

My fave person there was a friend of the Hosts who I overheard works as a fotog for a modeling agency. Needless to say, the moment I heard this I had to walk up to him and say, while showing him my profile, "So tell me, whaddaya think? Am I beautiful or what...and be brutal!" He said I was too short and old to be a fashion model (and i STILL think he was being polite) but I could do print ads...that my face does have a lot of "character"...I said, "Oh, like The Gap...perhaps Banana Republic....Sears?" He said not really, more like for pharmaceutical companies....riiiiiight.......I can see it now, I'd be the "before" picture of someone with Elephant Man Head or Jaundice....ack ...he gave me his card

Another great guest was this former bigshot advertising dood who was obviously totally burnt out (he now stays home and his wife works)....he kept forgetting what he was saying and constantly asked, "Where was I?" I would always answer with a slogan, "Uhhh, you were saying that you believe in Crystal Light because it believes in you." or "You were saying that Dodge trucks are Ram tough!". He thought I should go into advertising (yeah...i wanna end up sounding like I had a lobotomy) - he was also a friend of the hosts...unfortunately, all the neighbors were boring so I will continue to just nod and walk as I pass them through the halls of 417 E 78th Street.

At least they had little pizzas and pigs in blankets

Rock On,


Tuesday, December 2, 2003

Talk Dirty to Me

Here's a lil known and kinda odd fact about me - Though I've dated a lot of people (mostly women), I've never had anyone tell me they wanted me to talk dirty to them...

...until Saturday Night.

It creates a problem for two reasons...Firstly, I'm not all that good at making ANY kind of small talk - on first dates with chicks I've met online, I write down a few things about them that I can ask about so we dont end up talking abut the weather. Secondly, I'm not good under pressure. Even from way back when I was pitching in little league and pulled a Kenny Rogers (in the last inning, with the bases loaded, two outs, and a 3-2 count in a tie game, I threw the ball over the catcher's - and umpire's - head...for all I know, it's still rolling). And me in bed with someone is pressure enough... I don't need the added work. She may as well have asked me to juggle swords as well.

"Come on, just try it," she whispered. "Tell me something dirty."
"Umm, okay, ummm, I haven't showered in a week."
"C'mon, be serious."
Figuring I'd make a play on our Jewish roots, I tried, "Wanna see my menorah?"
"That's serious?!?"
"Gimmee one more chance... "
"One more..."
"Okay, I, uhhh, think you're hot."
"Oh yeah? How hot?"
"Umm, hotter than George Brett after his homer was disallowed in the pine tar game?"
"What?" she asked, pulling away.
"Well, I can't help it...I always think of baseball."
"Uggh, forget it."
"I'll work on it."

So leave me alone today... I'm busy googling (which sounds pretty dirty in and of itself).

Rock on,