Thursday, April 30, 2009

Platform? What's A Platform?

This guy must be quite the candidate...

Gonna post here if link goes bad....

US Senate Candidate Seeks Talented, Inspirational Speechwriter (New York City / State)

Reply to:,%20Inspirational%20Speechwriter%20(New%20York%20City%20/%20State) [Errors when replying to ads?]Date: 2009-04-28, 11:34PM EDT
Probable candidate in the United States Senate special primary in New York in 2010 seeks young, well-rounded, dedicated speechwriter with prior experience writing political speeches. Candidate is early 40s, pragmatic progressive (in the Obama vein) with over 30 years in grassroots Democratic politics and diverse, entrepreneurial career. Applicants must believe strongly in government's ability to promote the common good, be pro gun control and immigrant, and be committed to changing the way Washington operates. Strong understanding of small business, finance, energy, and education issues helpful. Degree in political science, economics, another social science, and/or business a plus. Position is volunteer to begin with, but could quickly turn into a full-time paid position. Please forward RESUME WITH COVER LETTER for consideration.
Location: New York City / State
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay

So, he's looking for a speechwriter to work for no pay (at first)...and he wants to find him/her, on Craigslist!

All I can say is, wow, Rudy Giuliani has really fallen on hard times, huh?


Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What Exactly Is In Those Eggs?

I saw this sign outside a cafe this morning...

Why the quotation marks around "eggs?"

Reminded me of a favorite site.


Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Only Time I'll Ever Hear That Comparison

A comic told me that part of my persona reminds him of early Chris Rock.

Since he told me that, I've been working on a new bit called, "The difference between white people and crackas!"


Monday, April 27, 2009

I Am The Most Awkward Person In The Universe

I had a spot at a club last night that doesn't normally give me spots.

Maybe it was due to nerves but when I walked up to the door, I noticed the club managers, security and other employees talking inside. I decided not to walk in, so I just hung outside. One of the managers came out to smoke so, naturally, I put my cell phone to my ear and pretended I was talking to someone.

No, I have no idea why I did that, but it was a very long two minute conversation I had with no one.


The Swine Flu w/ Dr. Obvious!

I saw Mayor Bloomberg had a press conference where he told citizens of Gotham who had fevers, coughs and sore throats to stay in, and to cover your mouth when you sneeze or cough.

Then he introduced his new advisor, Dr. Obvious.


Sunday, April 26, 2009

Getting Old - Part One

I'm pretty sure this is the first sign I'm getting old...

In my twenties, I could hang out in the park all day, and still be fine to go out at night.

In my thirties, I spend all day in the park, and I start to make ridiculous excuses, like, "The sun is tiring, and what with all that reading! If we're going out tonite, I need a nap."

Anyway, please vote...and stay out the sun, it's tiring.


Thursday, April 23, 2009


After looking at some pictures of us, my mom said that Josie and I looked like brother and sister (I know, we're creeped out too)... but it did give me an idea...

She may go to my high school reunion as me, claiming I finally got the operation.

Only thing is, I wonder if someone's gonna say, "You know, I didn't wanna say anything, but I always suspected..."


Wednesday, April 22, 2009

It Tastes Fruity WIth Hints Of Oak And Metal

I just found out that the lead singer of '80's metal band Queensryche (yes, they still make albums and fact they are on one now...but they'll always be an '80's band to me), Geoff Tate (best voice in metal in my opinion) has his own wine brand.

After seeing Scott Ian (of Anthrax) bidding on necklaces at an auction on The Celebrity Apprentice this week, and now this, I'm expecting to hear that Lemmee from Motorhead is now a truffle farmer in the south of France (or where ever truffles are mined).


The Celebrity Apprentice

I'd like to thank The Celebrity Apprentice for showing the world that Joan and Melissa Rivers are the most co-dependant mother/daughter team since Big Edie and Little Edie.

Though the Rivers' are far more annoying.


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Couldn't He Just Show "Wax On?"

Someone came to my show last night who I haven't seen since High School - When I asked him if he'd seen anyone else from good ol' John Bowne HS, he said he saw one dude who was now a black belt.


"Yeah, I asked him to show me some moves, and he kicked me in the head."

It was the funniest line all night.


Monday, April 20, 2009

Picture Blog

Me, drinking my first glass of plum wine...

Me, after my second glass...


Friday, April 17, 2009

It's All In The Delivery

I've found that when talking to a girlfriend or wife about another woman, there's a huge difference between...

I don't think she's prettier than YOU.


I don't THINK she's prettier than you.



I was forced to "delete" a few friends on Facebook for annoying status updates. And then I got caught. Sorta.

This dude wrote to me saying he thought we were friends on Facebook. I replied that I thought so too, but sometimes I think the system screws up and I lose someone.

"Yeah, that's probably what happened, "he answered, "That's happened to me a lot."


Thursday, April 16, 2009


Talking to a friend last night...

Her - I voted for you like three times already!
Me - But I've sent you out daily email reminders for two weeks.
Her - Well, I don't check that email every day.
Me - That email?
Her - Yeah, I have two, one that I check every day, and the other where I get all my other stuff.


Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Get Happy!

I love this article, especially number six - Introduce two people via e-mail...

To: Rob, Don
Subject: Thought you guys should talk

Hey Rob and Don! What's up? Actually, Rob, wuuuuuuuzzzzzzz uuuuup?!? HA! that never gets old, huh?

Anyway, I was just thumbin' through the ol' Rolodex, and thought you guys would get along. Why? Fair enough. Well, you're both Mets fans, so I figure you can talk about the trials and tribulations of that, you both like the movie Rounders, and umm, you're both black, so maybe you can talk about that.

Ya know, I feel better already! (Don't ask)


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

New Respect For Temp Dude

I overheard Temp Dude on the phone today (though "overheard" makes it sound like I was trying to truth I have no choice, anyway...) with some veteran's association trying to find out something about his benefits. After talking for twenty minutes with some bureaucrat, he said, "Can I talk to your boss, you're useless."

Of course, after he got off the phone, he stalked off talking to himself.


Monday, April 13, 2009

And Your Name Is?

I was recently hosting a show where three-quarters the way in, the audience started to lose interest, due to the length of the show and the quality of the comics. Noticing this, the guy was was headlining walked up to me and said, "Maybe you should tell them I'm here so they'll stick around."

I said, "Eh, they'll be fine," in part because if I didn't know who he was, I highly doubt the audience would.


My Hair's In Remission

On the train yesterday, these two girls were talking about their dates from the previous evening. One said, "He was sooooo bald," and then saw me watching them.

"Sorry," she said to me, as if I had a life-threatening disease.

"It's okay," I responded, "I think I'm gonna make it."


Friday, April 10, 2009


Continuing this series of Very Short Reviews (patent not pending), here is my thought on Junebug.


Until next time, this is Harris Bloom, signing off. G'night!


At Least It Smells Good

My bedroom smells like freshly done laundry. No, I didn't do the laundry, I just spilled a bottle of detergent.


Thursday, April 9, 2009


Josie and I celebrated Passover last night by eating pork sausage in a German restaurant. I guess "celebrated" isn't quite the correct word.

In other news, I just received an anonymous tip that Dunkin' Donuts has discontinued their Triple Chocolate Chip Muffins. This is an outrage!

I may plan a protest march, heck, I'll even bring the donuts (Dunkin now offers six for three bucks!)


Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I Am Killing My Wife's Dreams

When Josie quit smoking two years ago, she ran a half-marathon six months later...a sort of challenge, mixed with a celebration of her healthier lungs and lifestyle.

She'd decided to do it again this year, running in a half marathon at the beginning of May. The training has been a lot tougher, she says, in part due to having me at home.

Two years ago, she was single and had no one waiting at home for her so she didn't mind spending more time at the gym. So it's my fault.

It may also be due to the pizza and garlic knots we get every time we pass Cheesy Pizza on our way home from, well, anywhere.


Tuesday, April 7, 2009

My Wife Joe

Tomorrow, I have a show in a gay bar (Stonewall Inn). Someone asked me if I was planning on changing my act at all.

"No," I replied, "Well, except I'm gonna shorten my wife's name from "Josie" to "Jo."

btw - If anyone who reads this wants to be part of my private email list, shoot me an email at -

It's not much different than what I write here but some things I can't say publicly for one reason or another.



Monday, April 6, 2009

Just When You Think You've Seen (And Heard) It All...

I went to a really odd open mic Friday, and you know if I thought a mic was "odd," that's really saying something. Let's just say that this dude above wasn't the oddest act.

I was telling a bud about it when he said. "Big deal...I was doing a show when these five blind albinos walked in...and then it got weird."

He won.


Thursday, April 2, 2009

Trivia Night

My team won last night's weekly trivia night at conker hill. The weird thing about their trivia is that you win for best team name (ours, "We hope Obama's meeting with Queen Elizabeth went better than Frank Drebbin's" did not, I am afraid), but not for winning.

If that were true in the NCAA's, I think the Wake Forest Demon Deacons would be getting ready to face off against the Rhode Island School of Design Nads for the championship on April 6th.

Also, I need your vote (yes, again) - It's for a new festival. it only takes a second so if you can vote for me everyday till Apr 15th (look on the right side), I'd appreciate it.

Vote here!


Wednesday, April 1, 2009

My Review of Watchmen In One Word


This is a continuation of a series of very short reviews. For my expanded review, see below...


Very Long.


The Red Tie Mafia

I'm not a big fan of improv. I don't know if because I've seen too many sketches go on waaay too long, or it has to do more with my own fear of not being in control on stage (since you are so dependant on your partners, and vice versa). Prolly more the latter.

I did a set a few weeks ago, opening for The Red Tie Mafia, and I have to say, I really dug it (I mean I dug their improv, not me opening for them, though I dug that too, anyway...). The skits were fast paced, well done, and none lasted more than five minutes. I was exhausted and planned on saying my piece and leaving, but ended up watching practically the whole show.

So if yer in the mood for some improv, I recommend checking them out at Gotham Comedy Club, where they do their thang.