Saturday, June 30, 2007

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Just wanted to share a little tidbit from last night....

I was sposed to meet Deeanna at a bar (Campbell's Apartment) in Grand Central - I arrive early - get my Apple Martini and people watch...

I, seeing a more open spot, move to the other side of the bar - Deeanna arrives, gets a Grey Goose Martini...

We drink, and we're ready for another - since we're at a different spot - hence a diff bartender - than when I ordered my drink, I tell the bartender...
"She'll have another grey goose martini and I'll have an Apple Martini"
"An Apple Martini?"
"Umm, yeah, apple martini." He sniggered and got our drinks.
Deeanna, who's a regular there, said - through tears of laughter - its the first time she ever saw him smile.
I was half-expecting him to come back with my drink with a lil dainty umbrella in it

I'm surprised that never happened to me on a date

btw -

snig-ger 1.n. - a disrespectful laugh
2.v. - laugh quietly

Just so ya'll know, i'm in the midst of writing the tale of my writing class - it's gonna be looooong (like novella size) - dunno how good it'll be but we'll see - here are some excerpts so you don't, don't, don't don't, don't you...forget about me. Like most movies though, these are prolly the only funny parts. Anyway, it'll begin thusly...

Mem-oir n. - 1. An account of the personal experiences of an author. 2. An autobiography. 3. A biography or biographical sketch. 4. Personal essays written by someone who thinks their life is just so damn fascinating that he or she thinks others will want to stop living their own lives to read about the writer’s life.


I can see me at my book signing in a Barnes and Noble that they would have to close to the general public due to the huge throng of my adoring fans. In fact, extra security would have to be brought in – with stun guns – yes, stun guns after The Incident last week at the Borders in Binghamton signing


WEEK ONE (I smell trouble...or is it me) – I walked into the classroom a half-hour early to see seven people already seated. I looked in one middle aged woman’s direction and asked loudly enough for all to hear “Is this for genital herpes or all herpes?”
“Excuse me?”
“This support group…is it only for people with genital herpes or for all herpes sufferers?” I asked.
She stammered while looking around for help, “I…think…you’re…in the wrong room. This is a memoir writing class.”
“Oh wait, I’m sorry. Today’s Thursday, isn’t it? Oh wait its Wednesday…silly me. No, I’m in the right place, just had my days mixed up. Sorry.”

I scanned my thirteen classmates to size them up and immediately realized one thing – I can beat them all up. Sure, there were about seven or eight women in the 30-44 range, three to four in the 45-60 range, two gay men - trust me, they were gay - and one other guy who was about 50, but still, it was the first time I could ever say that in a classroom. If anyone was going to threaten and fleece classmates of their lunch money in this class, it was going to be me.


I couldn’t help but think I was in the wrong class. I thought of Goldie Hawn in Private Benjamin pulling aside her commanding officer to explain that she didn’t sign up for this army – no, she signed up for the other army. I think I was supposed to be in the other memoir writing class, you know, the one with the people who knew basic English


Thursday, June 14, 2007

I May Be Bi-Polar

So I woke up yesterday tired. The kind of tired that makes you tell your dog that he's gonna have to find a way to walk himself. But I got up.

Long story/short, I took a half day at work so I could play with Stewie, before heading out to Jersey for a show at a restaurant. When I got to work, I figured that I should prolly find out how I'm getting to the gig.

I found out that though I could take a bus out there, they stop running at 9:30, well before the show ends. Swell. I figured that worst comes to worst, I'll take a car service home.

Cut to me on the bus going there:

"This is it. I can't do this anymore. What the heck do I need this for? I gotta travel an hour and a half each way, and hang out for a two hour show, for 15 minutes of stage time and $55?!? And I don't even know how I'm getting home?!? I'm too old for this crap. This is it."

So, I got there. The restaurant was packed. They served me dinner (pork tenderloin with some pineappley stuff and rice) and Davin (the producer of the show) procured a ride for me, at least to The Bronx, with another comic.

As the MC, I went first. The crowd, about 100 people, dug me. Not like last Wednesday (I dont think I'll ever get five applause breaks in my life), but they dug me. After getting off, Davin shakes my hand, pays me ($55), and tells me that he'll definitely use me again and will recommend me to others. I went to the bar and got some (free!) Key Lime Pie while the next comic does his thing.

"Wow...that was great. Though the traveling is bad, I'm definitely on a high that's carry me into tomorrow. And isn't feeling good about something you've done what it's all about? And I made people laugh. I'm performing a very real service. I'm a humanitarian and getting paid for it!"

I got the next guy (Tom) offstage and introduced the headliner. Tom was the guy who was gonna gimmee a life to the train in The Bronx. He wanted to hang out to sell some DVD's after the show. So we wait for the headliner to finish.

And we wait...and wait...and wait...and wait...and wait.

After an hour, with no end in sight, Tom figured that the headliner killed any potential sales anyway, so we headed out (I was told that I didn't have to close the show).

Tom and I weren't too sure about where exactly he was dropping me off. All we knew was "There's an 'A' train right after you get over the George Washington Bridge." Naturally, we missed the we're driving in The Bronx...he just wants to unload me and I felt guilty. I told him to just take the next exit and I'd figure out how to get home. He was happy to oblige (usually, the MC drives the other acts...not the other way around).

Thankfully, when we got off on Jerome Ave (?), there was a 4 train right there. Couple of shady looking characters hanging so I unbuttoned my dress shirt (cause, you know, that makes me tougher... oh, shut up, you!). I made it to the elevated platform. I was exhausted, it was almost 12, pretty cold outside, and I was taking a train in The Bronx.

"This is brutal. I can't do this. I should be home, playing with my pup, or sleeping. Jeez, when was the last time I slept eight hours? Months...."

The train came, I got a great connection to the 'B", which went express to 59th Street. Walked home and was greeted by an ecstatic Stewie. We played for half hour before turning in around 1.

"That wasn't so bad. I felt like I accomplished something. I had fun, and I even got paid. Awesome."

I woke up this morning exhausted. And I have another gig in Jersey tonight.

Rock On,


Wednesday, June 13, 2007

There Ya Go

Had a date last night. We went out for drinks. Every sentence I said, she followed with, "There ya go."

"So I took a half day to play with my dog so I don't feel bad leaving him when I've got a gig at night."
"There ya go."

"I get home late so I often eat cold cereal for dinner."
"There ya go."

"All my relatives are dead."
"There ya go."

Okay, the last one is a joke, but I may wanna ask her out again just so I can say that.

Rock On,


Monday, June 4, 2007

NOW, the Fun Starts!

ANYWAY, a comic bud (Josh) e-mailed me on Friday, asking if I wanted to fill in at a benefit show for Relay For Life, a cancer organization, at Mercy College that evening. It was supposed to be at the soccer/track field.

"Sure," I said. HE told me that there were supposed to be 500 people there. "Cool."

The three of us (his other comic bud) took a train from Grand Central to the school. We spent the trip making fun of other comics (comics at my level are like high school girls).

When we got to the field, our collective faces dropped. Not only were there 75 people there (tops), but most were 'tweeners (i.e. between 10 and like 13/14). There were kids running around, some people walking around the track, and tents set up for bbq's. I saw the stage, which was about 50 feet from the seats.

"Seriously, guys, "Josh started, "If you wanna turn around and head back, I'm with you. Seriously." The other comic, Jim, looked at me.

"No!" I said, "We came here, we're gonna do'll be an experience." Josh and Jim silently agreed, I think. "So where are we sposed to go?"

"The woman said to look for the tent with the two monkeys."
"You're not kidding, are you?"

We found the monkeys (they were blow-up dolls) and the woman.
"You guys will go up after the belly dancers."
"Of course we will."

Since no one else wanted to, I agreed to go on first. The MC tried to get SOME audience as everyone had dispersed after the belly dancers.

My first joke got nothing. Second joke more of the same. I tapped the mic and asked, "is this thing on?"
Jim said, "Unfortunately." I was being heckled by my fellow comics.

At one point, someone in the audience asked if I knew any "knock-knock" jokes.
"No, but you know why six hated seven?"
"Cause seven ate nine," Came the answer from several kids.
That's what I get for stealing jokes.

After one joke where I use the word "ventriloquism" in the punchline, some kid in the crowd asked, "What's ventriloquism?"
"Oh Lord, help me," I asked, eyes upward. I told a few jokes where I actually stopped in the middle realizing they aint gonna get it anyway.

Jim sent Josh a text (while he was onstage) - "YOU ARE BOMBING"

Unfortunately, Josh didn't check it while onstage, but he did tell a joke, got nothing, and proceeded to say, "You know, at Caroline's in NYC that joke got a 45 second applause break."

Jim and I were practically on the floor laughing. After he got off, I asked him if he realized how long 45 seconds are. Then I proceeded to show him, clapping for 45 seconds.

We were supposed to each do 15 minutes...we all bailed after about 8.

Best part was how after we got off, the MC got back onstage and announced...


Yeah, AFTER the comics. We didn't even stick around to find out what fun she was referring to.

On the way home, we didn't make fun of other comics as much as ourselves. Yup, another awesome Friday night livin' the dream.


Rock On,