Friday, November 25, 2005

I'm Ugly and I'm Not Funny

So I'm at my usual Tuesday night Opne Mic at Stand Up NY on ummm, Tuesday, when the MC decides to chat me up while she's on stage.

"Harris always has these hot women with him."

It's true...she's seen me at a show with Bronwen....Deeanna came with me last week to check out the open mic...and that day, I was sitting with Elaine and Jackie, a couple of pretty comics.

Apparently thinking of things that would attract women to me, she continued, "What's your secret? Are you rich?"
"Ummm, no."
"Are you are really nice guy?"
"Not really."
She then moved on to some other topic.

Walking home later, it hit me. Not knowing me very well, she asked about two things that someone who doesn't know the person might think. However, she does know two things about looks and my act....two things that obviously she thought couldn't be the reason.


Rock On,


Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Restaurant Week with Mom

I decide that I would be a good son and invite mom to Lutece for lunch on Saturday
during Restaurant Week.

First of all, being that Lutece is around the area of the World Economic Forum thing at the Waldorf, mom is concerned about being in the vicinity. I tell her if she's scard, don't go. She says that "it's not a matter of being scared, it's just a matter of getting hit in the head with something". She ends up throwing caution
to the wind and accepting my invitation.

While walking to Lutece, I see that I'm gonna be early so rather than get there too early and be forced into more conversation than I had in me, I decide to stop a few
blocks away and just stop to smell the dog shit. Of course as I'm standing
there who walks towards me but "Mom!". I tell her I saw her coming and

Lutece is very nice (a little stuffy for my taste but food is obviously great...on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being the best, I'd give it a 2). Favorite part of meal as far as y'all will be concerned (least favorite for me) was when the waiter comes by asking if we want coffee and mom asks, "Is that included as part of the deal?" Of course upon hearing no, mom says that she's fine. Bad enough but ya gotta love her next line...

"I'll just get the .50 senior citizens coffee at McDonald's on the way home. I could only nod outwardly whilst my tongue was bleeding from my bitemarks.

Rock On,


Monday, November 7, 2005

My Screenplay is Writing Itself

As a sidenote, it's bizarre to me how many people tell me that I have great stage presence. I actually feel weird telling people that I have a fear of public speaking, like they won't believe me or something. I wish that I had a copy of my Blind Date interview to show them.

But unfortunately, no one will remember my performance from that night. No sirree.

THE act of the night was this dude who went on like, 13th. He walked up to the stage with a discman in his ears and an unlit cigarette in his hand.

His opening line? (And I've cleaned it up...)

"This effin' sucks! Putting me up like 13th...I effin' hate this club! I effin' hate stand up comedy!"

and it went downhill from there.

At one point, he asked where his friends were. They shouted out to him, and then he said, "This is for you guys...the rest can go eff themselves!"

He then proceeded to maintain that he doesn't even need a mic, so he stepped away from it...but kept talking. I couldn't hear a thing he said for at least a minute.

Jessica, one of the club's bookers, was standing next to me. As the dude was doing this, she was seething, and under her breath whispered, "He is sooo banned!"

I was surprised she didn't get him offstage earlier but then again, she may've been afraid of what he'd do.

He was either on drugs, or forgot to take his drugs.

Either way...he was awesome (in a train wreck sorta way)

Rock On,


Thursday, November 3, 2005

Define "Insane"

One of my favorite movie quotes is from Con-Air. In it, Nicholas Cage's character (Cameron Poe) says something about not being insane, like the others. Steve Buschemi's character (Garland something), who is a complete lunatic answers...

"Now you're talking semantics...what if I told you that insane was working 50 hours a week in an office for 50 years at the end of which they tell you to pi** off. Then you spend the rest of your life in a nursing home, hoping to die before suffering the indignity of trying to make it to the toilet in time. Wouldn't you call that insane?"
An excellent point Garland makes...but I thik I have a new definition thanks to my 4 month old hobby....

Every Wednesday, I travel half an hour to wait on line for a half hour (because it's first come, first serve) at the Comedy Cellar....after getting in, I sit, have a drink (one drink min), and watch other comics tell jokes for five minutes apiece until it's my turn. I pay my 10 dollars ($5 bucks to gt onstage, one drink, tip) and take the train a half hour to go home. (by the way, a lot come in from Jersey or Conn, so they're even worse off))

Let's summarize -

Time Spent Overall - 2.5 hours
Time Spent on Stage - 5 Minutes
Time Spent not laughing at other comics on stage - 1 hour 15 minutes (I'm allowing for 10 minutes of good stuff)
Money Spent - 10 bucks (not important. but still)

That's my usual Wednesday night...

Wonder what Garland would say about that?

Rock On,