Thursday, July 31, 2008

Memo to Josie: Re-queue Netflix to Make This Next


I love how they got the sax dude to play a part.

btw - The Lost Boys has one of the best endings in film history (no, not horror film history, all film history).

Rock On,


Thinking Positive

Since I have been married and divorced, Josie asked me why I thought our marriage would work?

I said, "I of averages?"

What? No good?

Rock On,



MC'ed a show last night - MC'ing at this club isn't my fave thing to do as they pack so many comics into the show, the MC becomes a robot - just going up every six minutes to applaud (again) for the last comic and intro the new guy...and the shows go on for about two and a half hours. joy.

In fact, though a couple of comics ended with jokes perfect for me to do a joke of my own, I chose not to, thinking that every joke I do gets me home that much closer to waking up.

ANYWAY, most annoying thing of the night, actually, it's a tie -

1 - Three or four comics had like four mediocre credits they wanted me to intro them with...How can i put this gently? oh wait, I know...No one gives a crap! Seriously, who at a comedy show cares that you just shot a commercial? Especially if you have some other credit to go with. Do you think the audience will be overpowered by your credits and just start laughing because you were on a soap opera? Or do you just think that mentioning seventeen things you've done equals one Comedy Central credit?!?

2 - One comic, in giving me his/her credits mentioned "Oh, I just got passed at XXX Club, but you don't have to mention that." Now, I KNOW why you're telling me, and that's the reason I'm mentioning this....You want me to either say, "Oh, that's awesome! Good for you!" or you want me to think, "Wow, So and so IS funny!"

Sorry but neither happened...but man, so many friekin' needy comics out there.

UPDATE - Got really cool e-mail from guy who hired me and ran the show, thanking me for a great job - it's stuff like that that keeps me going.

btw - to the (I assume) gentleman who filled out the comment card - one question...

Is your name Native American? Curious cause I've never heard anyone with the name "Suck My Balls!!!"

Rock On,


Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I Had The Perfect Thing To Say After We Left!

So we met with The Leader last night.

Nice guy, said the right things, asked the right questions (i guess).

One thing he stumped us on...when he asked "Why get married?"

I think we were silent for a few sec cause we weren't quite sure what he was asking, but just in case, I'm gonna be checking the "second thoughts" thread on for anyone posting named "halfmennonitehalfitalianmarryingajew."

Rock On,


Connect Five

So the scrabulous application on Facebook is disabled due to pending litigation from the makers of some game named "Scrabble."

That sucks, but on the bright side, I hear that Facebook is working on a new app...Trivial PurSweet!

Rock On,


Another Call From Mom

Mom called yesterday from the doctor's office where she works.

"Aren't you getting married at Loft 11?"
"Hold on a of the drug reps here got married there!"
"What? No! Wait!"
"Umm, hi."
"So, I hear you're getting married at Loft 11."
" got married there?"
"'s a very nice space."
"Yeah, it is."

"So, uhh, how long ago were you married there?"
"A couple of years."
"Uh huh, uh huh."

"Ok, I'm going to put your mom on the line. Good luck!"
"Thanks! You too!"

Rock On,


Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Checking for Home Office in Waco

We need a non-religious officiant for our wedding so after work, Josie and I are visiting The Leader.

Something tells me I should keep both hands on my 401K.

Rock On,


I Wonder What'll Happen If I Pull That?

I noticed on vacation that it was illegal to dig more than one foot in the sand in LBI.

When I told a co-worker, he explained that it was due to possible World War 1 munitions in the sand.
"No way!" I said.

But apparently, yeah.

Slightly less bizarre but funnier, is that according to the article, some towns specifically ban anyone from entering the water is they are experiencing diarrhea. I'm not exactly sure how they are monitoring this but if you ever find yourself unemployed, I'd think twice before applying for any "Beach Patrol" positions in Sea Bright.

Rock On,


Monday, July 28, 2008

Sucking My Thumb in the Fetal Position

You know how we supposedly regress to childlike states when presented with a pressurized or scary situation?

Well, during my vacation, I made a few "glue balls" by applying Elmer's Glue to my palm and then rubbing it into a ball. Haven't done that since like third grade.

Wonder what that says about my readiness for kids.

Rock On,


Sunday, July 27, 2008

Dinner Differences

One thing I learned going away with Josie's family (besides never jokingly tell a 4 year old about to go into the water "Watch out for the sharks!") is that after they have three helpings of everything on the dinner table, they pass everything around for a fourth.

When I grew up, after having one serving of mom's spaghetti and meatballs with Saucy Susan, we were all pretty much ready to get up and see what's on TV.

Rock On,


Saturday, July 26, 2008

...And I'm Back

Got an early show that I gotta get ready for so I'll write later.

But I gotta tell ya...

Going on vacation with your girlfriend....relaxing.

Going on vacation with your girlfriend, her parents, her brother and his wife, their four year old girl AND their three month old twin boys? Not so much

Rock On,


Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Just Put Stewie On The Phone

As everyone knows, I'm a lil insane about my pup, figuratively killed me to have to leave him with someone for a week. I asked the person if she'd mind if I texted her to make sure everything was ok.
"Sure," she said.
So the first two days, I texted, "Everything ok?"
"Yes," she wrote back.

I wanted her to tell me more as "yes" didn't really quantify just how okay he was. So, on the third day, I wrote, "How is everything?" assuming that an open-ended question may open her up a bit.

The answer came back in two minutes...


Rock On,


Monday, July 21, 2008

Quick Note From The Shore...

Remember how Josie's niece wasn't all that thrilled with me when we first met?

Well, now I'm her BFF - When she's not asking me to "silly dance" with her or read cards while making faces, she's climbing all over me.

I've taken to pretending to sleep to get some rest.

I guess this is to be filed under "Be Careful What You Wish For"

Hope everyone's doing ok...

Rock On,


Friday, July 18, 2008

I Just Don't Get It

They can put a man on the moon, but they can't make Welch's Grape Soda in diet?

In other news, I'm on vaca through next Saturday (hittin' LBI on the Jersey Shore)...though I will prolly find the time and the connection to log on somewhere to tell a tale or two, there's a chance I won't (esp the latter).

So, in case I don't, have a good 'un.

Rock On,


I Present You...New Temp Dude!

In the last few months, we've been through four temps in A/P. We would like to hire one of them full time, but can't as it is quickly apparent why these people are temps.

We just hired a new one... here's a few pics, though not sure if you can make out what he's doing:

Yup...he's sleeping.
Rock On,

My Injury?

Once in a while, I troll CL for writing opportunities (there aren't many for my style of writin').

Found one, loking for non-fictional stories about dating/sex/school/etc...but they didn't say who they were. I wrote to them for the name of their company, a website, etc...

This is what I got back...

I am not releasing publication, author or book details the public at this time. Those details will only be released to an individual once a story has been accepted for publication and release and copyright documentation has been signed. Sorry but you must understand the prospective that I am coming from.

Thanks for your injury.

Umm, yeah, right.

Rock On,


An Impression

Here's my impression of Christian Bale....

(I turn around, and then turn back)

"...I'm the freakin' Dark Knight!!! It's MY movie!!! Doesn't anyone want to talk about meeee?!?"

Thank you.

Rock On,


I'm Here To Please


I think my back looks like a topographical map of the Andes.


Now, it looks like a map of sunspots on the moon.

As you can see, before, I couldn't even "bear" to see it with my glasses on.

Rock On,


Thursday, July 17, 2008

Here's The Trailer

This is a sneak peek - a picture of what the table looked like after it was over...

No, I didn't soil myself.

Rock On,


Oh, I'll Remember Today

First of all, you'd think that I'd take great care to find a reputable establishment for such an endeavour. I found the salon on craigslist, by searching for "Upper west side" and "back waxing" - Really wanted to do it close to home in case I had to run back to my apartment crying.

ANYWAY, it was a Korean place, on the second floor of a prewar apartment building. When I reached their "apartment," there were about seven people welcoming me...prolly cause they had no other customers.

One of the women led me into a room.
"Have you done before? She asked in her accent.
"Yeah, once, like eight, nine years ago...I don't even remember if it hurt!"
"You remember today."

I could swear that she gasped when I took off my shirt, but I may be wrong.

At one point, another woman came in. She spoke in Korean, they laughed, and then she left.
"Were you laughing at my back?" I asked, smiling, turning towards her.
"No." She answered, smiling as well.
When I realized she wasn't going to add anything, I turned away again.

Needless to say, it hurt... a lot. At one point, my right leg actually did a leg curl when she ripped off one of the patches. If I were standing, I woulda looked like a '30's movie starlet being kissed.

Afterwards, it still felt like a thousand needles pricking me. Today, it just feels wet (?)...and it's a lil blotchy.

Thankfully, I aint hittin' any beaches till Saturday.

Rock On,


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Mommy, Why Is That Man Swimming In a Sweater?

For the second time in my life, and first time in about seven/eight years, I am going now to get my back waxed.

Josie took "before" pictures this AM...not sure I want to post them.

We'll see.

Rock On,


Focus Group

I just got an e-mail to participate in this focus group - here's what they are looking for...


Undiagnosed? Maybe I don't know what cataracts are but couldn't anyone just say they have them?

Reminds me of when I was in college and I tried to get into a group for latinos, aged 25-39, who smoked non-menthol cigarettes for at least five years.

hey! I needed the money.

Rock On,



Based on our sarcastic, yet laid-back nature, I'm pretty sure that if/when Josie and I have a kid, his/her first word will be "Whatevs."

Rock On,


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Better Get Funnier

Told the dude who sits next to me about this story - Bartering gaining popularity as people try to cut back - and then asked what I can get for a private half-hour stand-up performance for him and his wife.

"I dunno, some steamed broccoli?"

Rock On,


Time To Lose Some Weight

Took me till 9:41 to realize that I wasn't wearing a belt.

Rock On,


Monday, July 14, 2008

The Bachelorette Is A Ninny (As Are The Bachelors)

Josie used to constantly bring up my story, Confessions of a Serial Dater, as a reason to proceed cautiously in our relationship. Heck, we're engaged, and she still brings it up. Can't blame her as I worried about it even before I met her.

The reason I bring this up is I was forced to watch The Bachelorette this season (Man, is that an annoying show) and I'm picturing fights between the guys who ended up going home solo, and their future girlfriends, thanks to comments they made on the show to the camera.

"So, Mr. I-Know-That-DeAnna-Is-My-Soul-Mate...why don't you take her to your football game?!?"

"Let me get this straight...You left your kid for four months to compete for her, and you won't take me on vacation for a week?"

"Yes, but is it as romantic as you said it was in the Bahamas with DeAnna?!?"

"Oh, so you'll cry on national TV when she dumped you, but when I dump you, nothing?!?"

Rock On,


Evacuation Drill!

We just had an emergency evacuation drill. Here is a pic of the handout (sorry about pic quality) -

Looks to me like the dude in the blackout is looting...and the person behind him is walking with a box on his head.
They even have instructions in case of a nuclear incident...I interpreted what they said as "Run around like a chicken with his head cut off."
Rock On,

Friday, July 11, 2008

Rejected Wedding Ideas - Part Dos

Second in a series...

Me - I got another idea for our wedding!
Josie - Uh oh...
Me - How 'bout, instead of doing a wedding cake, we do a "Tower of Hostess?"
Josie - Huh?
Me - Yeah, it would just be a table piled high with Twinkees, Cupcakes, Ring Dings, Yodels, etc...
Josie - That's ridiculous.
Me - You're ridiculous!
Josie - Ugh.

Rock On,


Thursday, July 10, 2008

Happy Anniversary To Us

At this time last year, I was running down 51st Street to catch up to Josie.

We had gone out for drinks at Druids, and had awkwardly said our goodbyes at the corner of 51st and 10th Avenue. After taking a few steps, I decided the proper thing to do was to walk her home, hence my dash to catch up to her.

It was our first date.

Rock On,


Wednesday, July 9, 2008


Rock On,


Happy Anniversary To Me

Today's my three-year anniversary doing stand-up comedy. It's been fun at times, annoying at times...but always interesting. So much for introspection.

Anyway, here's the e-mail I wrote to my buds (I didn't have a blog then) following my very first show.

I wonder what happened to Triangle Man.

btw - Not many friends remember that show, but everyone remembers the second one.


Rock On,


Tuesday, July 8, 2008

First of a Potential Series

Rejected Wedding Ideas -

Me - I got an idea for our wedding!
Josie - Uh oh...
Me - How 'bout, on the invitation, we offer a money back guarantee?!?
Josie - Huh?
Me - Yeah, If we're not still maddied in two years, you get your money or gift back!
Josie - That's ridiculous.
Me - You're ridiculous!
Josie - Ugh.

Rock On,


Yup, That's About Right

Walking on Wall Street this AM, when I hear someone yelling about bubbles. I turn around and see this...

It's a bespectacled middle-aged bearded guy wearing a robe and bunny ears, blowing bubbles. I had to get a better pic...

At least he was wearing a tie.
Rock On,

Monday, July 7, 2008

Disappointing (Ed. Note - Please forget how I originally spelled this)

So my mom met Josie's parents yesterday. Had dinner in the city. I thought about asking them permission to tape the conversation since I didn't think I'd be able to remember everything.

Turned out to be fairly boring - though, I'm pretty sure the waitress wanted to hit my mom.

Best exchanges occurred when mom was talking about all the things she has in her purse...

Mom - I have an umbrella, a raincoat, with a hood, a hat, a bag to put the hat I'm wearing in so it doesn't get wet. I have a Viagra pen...
Josie - Harris's mom works in a Parkinson's doctor's she gets stuff like that.
Josie's Mom - They use Viagra to treat Parkinson's?
Mom - No, that's for men to help them, get their uh-huh's, you know.
Harris - Check , please!

Rock On,


Saturday, July 5, 2008

Yet Another Screenplay Idea (Inspired by True Events)

Continuing a brilliant series,

Starts with a group of friends winning their seventeenth consecutive weekly trivia contest at their local watering hole. While celebrating, a mysterious group of thirtysomethings's congratulates them on their victory and leaves, but not before one of them ominously states, "See you next week."

The week after, the other team comes, competes, and destroys the competition, including the former champs. It then happens the next week and the next.

A team meeting ensues - our heroes start out depressed about the turn of events, but one of them gives a stirring speech about "taking back their bar" and rededicating themselves. The team is re-energized, leading to a montage of scenes - team reading newspaper together, studying country capitals on a blackboard, chasing chickens, etc.

Climax has them coming from behind to beat the new guys.

Rock on,


Thursday, July 3, 2008

Maybe I'm Just Cranky Today...

Many of the reviews for the new Will Smith flick, Hancock, mention how they like how the movie shows that superhero actions have consequences, like what happens with all that property destruction. (Is that really the biggest problem they had with Ghostrider?)

What does Ebert wanna see, a scene, maybe after the credits, of the city council debating whether to raise taxes to fix the subway cars destroyed due to Spidey's battle with Doc Ock?

Maybe they can show the conundrum of whether it will be in the form of a fare increase, since after it, it is commuters that use the subway, or an increase in property taxes, on the basis that Spiderman's mere presence increases property values.

That doesn't even get into the fact that while they complain these movies ignore the real-life aftermath, and yet, are willing to buy the whole "A radioactive spider bit a human and now said human has superhuman powers and can spin webs."

If it were up to them, the next Spiderman will open with someone cleaning up the webs that Spiderman has left in his wake.

Rock On,


A Call To The Vet

"Yeah, hi, this is dog is Stewie. I bring him there. He just peed a little blood. He was treated like a year and a half ago for crystals in his special dog food and something to put in his water. He's been fine since, until tonite. I don't know if he peed blood before as I don't really look at it. Can I make an appointment for tomorrow...or should I see if he pees blood again?"

"You realize this is a restaurant, right?"

Rock On,


Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Out of my Element

Last night, Josie and I met with a blogger friend at a bar on the east side. Unbeknowingst (is that a word?) to me, they have karaoke on Tuesday nights at 10 PM. Caitlin jumped at the chance and actually was one of the first few "singers." Josie and crew gently cajoled me to get up there for a while, and then pleaded, begged, and I think at one point threatened. But I refused.

Here's the thing - People assume that because I do stand-up, that I'm an outgoing, extroverted , confident kinda guy. Nothing can be further from the truth.

In reality, the reason I started doing stand up in my thirties is due to my fear of public speaking. I got lock jaw before going on stage at my first few stand-up shows.
In fact, when I was supposed to be on Blind Date, I got so freaked out, that during the on air interview, I actually forgot my name!

ANYWAY, I did kinda want to try, so I checked out the book of possible songs they had on file... Motley Crue's Shout at the Devil jumped out at me, but then I thought that no one else there knew the song...karaoke is best when others are singing along. Though I love the theme song to The Sound of Music, I couldn't see myself prancing about like Fraulein Maria. Then I saw G & R's Sweet Child O' Mine. Perfect! Then someone went up and sung it. D'oh! We kept scouring the book, and after coming across and singing a few bars of Kenny Rogers's The Gambler, our crew begged me to try it. Though I agreed is a perfect karaoke song, I declined.

Fast forward ten minutes, and dude running the karaoke announces, "Next up...Harris!" Shit.

Yup... they put my name in. I slowly ambled up to the front, asked the guy what song I was doing (usually people know), swallowed hard, and tentatively began to "sing."

Then I saw Josie in the crowd cheering me on, and before I knew it, my arms were swinging and my head bobbing, as I exhorted the crowd to "know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, know when to run."

Rock On,


Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Me And My Big Mouth - Part 2

So, I was emceeing a show at a comedy club last night. Surprisingly (to me), one of the managers I always see there, was waiting on tables. I assumed the normal waitress called in sick or something.

We were joking about it throughout the night, until I asked, "Isn't there another waitress you can call to do this?"

His reply was, "This is my job...ya know, I gotta pay rent...not everyone can be a tax assessor!"

I'm not a tax assessor, but, yeah, I didn't feel like correcting him.

Rock On,


Me And My Big Mouth - Part 1

At dinner Sunday with Josie's folks, her bro, sis-in-law and the niece, the niece asked why we are getting maddied (married? Yes! Maddied!).

Josie answered, "Because we want to be together for the rest of our lives," and then she leaned into me and with her eyes wide and slightly sinister tone, continued, "Forever, and ever, and ever."

That's when I said, "Well, there's always divorce."


(Part 2 later today)

Rock On,