Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Blue Man Group

A fellow comic wrote his e-mail list about some non-comedy related gig in Time Square that would pay $450 for four partial days of work. Due to a desire to make some easy, quick coin, I followed his link to sign up.

Though the coin was quick, I wouldn't say it was easy (I shoulda been scared when the ad said, "We will supply the jumpsuit")

The job was to, wearing the aforementioned jumpsuit (blue, with "Hyundai" splashed on it), "clean" Times Square. I put "clean" in quotes as we were given brooms, feather dusters, squeegies, and portable vacuums and were told to clean the air in groups of six. Basically, pretend we were cleaning. Thanksfully, I didn't run into anyone I knew, which is more than I can say for an acting teacher I was working with, who ran into a student of his (ouch!).

Try pretending to vacuum the air for five hours...not as much fun as you'd think. It gets old after about five minutes. Especially on the corners where the sun was beating down on us (We spent as much time on corners in the shade, waiting until the next group came by to kick us to the next one)

After cleaning it on one corner, we'd move onto the next, much to the amusement of passing tourists (less to the amusement of passing locals). My favorite responses from tourists were....

1 - While standing at a corner and pretending to dust the air, I smiled at an older Irish guy, also waiting. He looked at what I was doing and asked, "What are ya, stupid?"

2 - This guy asks me to keep doing what I was doing (brooming the air) while he called over his six or seven year old son. The father pointed at me and said, "This is what happens when you dont go to college."

I coulda explained to them that I did graduate college and make a decent living, and how I was only doing this to make extra cash for an apartment that my wife and I are saving up to buy (in the year 2037), but I figured, eh, let him have his life lesson. Actually, it woulda been great if I just told them, "Actually, I did go to college."

Funny he mentioned college though, as the job kinda made me think of my dad. He didn't go to college, and spent his life doing crappy jobs to provide for his family. I often think about what it must have been like for him, doing something I know he disliked for a living, but needed to do.

For one weekend, I walked in his shoes.


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Making A Difference

Greetings all,

I'm gonna keep this short. I've decided to follow a passion of mine by joining the Board of Directors of DakodaLove Pet Project (Inc. pending). I will also be Treasurer (God help us).

DakodaLove specializes in pit bulls and other "bully breeds," not because we want to, but because we have to. Hundreds are killed daily at animal shelters in the tri-state area due to over-breeding (we know why) and misinformation (google "the nanny dog"). We will rest when that number is zero.

If you have any interest in our mission, please join our fan page on Facebook HERE .

Our website will be operational in the coming weeks.

Our first fundraiser will be at Tommy's Tavern on March 20th, for an evening of punk/alt bands (cover is ten bucks, with all proceeds going to DakodaLove). Alas, I have a gig that night and won't be able to make it.

The next fundraiser will be a comedy night at Gotham Comedy Club on April 12th at 8 PM. We will feature comics you've seen on Comedy Central, NBC, MTV, PBS (you get the idea). I will be emceeing the event, which will cost twenty-five bucks (with a two-drink minimum).

I hope some of you can join us.



Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Best. Trivia. Ending. Ever.

So, at long last, Austin, the dude who runs (or, at least, used to run) our favorite trivia night in a bar (as opposed to , I suppose, in a barn), started a new one (the bar closed...RIP Conker Hill).

Josie, myself and the rest of our 5 person team made it to the bar in spite of cold temps and the threat of (more) snow. Not many others did. In fact, so few people were in attendance that we decided to split up our all-star squad to make it interesting. The two men vs. the three women.

As at Conker, the best team name won a round of shots. Out of the goodness of our hearts, we gave the women the team name that Vic came up with when we thought we were gonna be one team - Kevin Smith's Next Movie? MallFats.

Of course, we only did so as I thought of one that I knew that Austin would prefer - Four Days Till Pitchers and Catchers And The Mets Are Already Mathematically Eliminated - thereby winning us the round of shots (we gallantly made sure the ladies got one too)

Not unexpectedly, after the first three rounds we were dead even, well ahead of the other two or three teams that were playing. The fourth round was "Fashion" and again, not unexpectedly, we fell behind by two points. Uh oh. After losing to the women a few weeks ago at drinking, I knew I was in for it if we lost this too.

The fifth round was "Stuff You Should Know" (no, it wasn't about an Alanis Morrisette breakup). Just crap we "should" know, like how many licks did the owl take to get to the center of a tootsie pop (three).

ANYWAY, we were down to the last question. Now, we don't know how we're doing until the answers are read after we turn in our answer sheets after each ten question round, but doing the math later, the men were down by three points going into the last question. Impossible, right? Wrong... The question was...

"Six Point Bonus Question - Name the six teams in the NL Central."

Upon hearing that, I laughed for a good minute and a half.

We won by one.


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

If You Think He Looked Scary Before...

When I'm walking Kilo, I get all kinds of reactions, from people asking me if he's a pit bull to people literally crossing the street to avoid him (at least I assume it's him they're avoiding...hmmm).

Kilo got into a little tussle at the dog run yesterday, leaving some with some bloody bite marks on his face.***

I'd love to know what people were thinking while I was taking him home, a pit bull with dried blood around his mouth.


*** It was the first fight he'd been in in the seven months I've had him. My lil terrier used to get into one a week.

Monday, February 8, 2010


If you didn't already know that people are sheep, last week was apparently "Doppleganger Week" at Facebook, where you were sposed to put up a pic of someone you think you look like (If I did it, it woulda been a pic of this dude I saw sitting at a table in Artie's Deli a few weeks ago - it was uncanny...seriously).

ANYWAY, I reminded (again) how people are sheep watching the Syracuse/Cincinnati college basketball game yesterday. Whenever the camera panned through the crowd, the Cincinnati student section all mugged by yelling at the camera while sticking their index finger in the air.

You're number one?

Based on....?


Sunday, February 7, 2010

Someone's Pretty Serious About The Super Bowl

Leaving work on Friday, I shared an elevator down with a co-worker.

"What are your weekend plans?" he asked.

"I gotta show tonight and tomorrow night, and just watching the Super Bowl Sunday. How about you?"

"Same thing...except for the shows."

"Sooooo, you're watching the Super Bowl."

"Yeah," he replied, and then, looking at watch, added, "I have 49 hours to get ready."


Friday, February 5, 2010

I May Be Slightly Neurotic

At the gym today, I bench-pressed ten pounds less than I normally can.

My first thought? I have a cancerous tumor that is beginning to sap my strength.


Monday, January 25, 2010


I saw an ad recently for this doctor offering 20% off that Lasic eye surgery. Not sure I even want a to be able to use a coupon for eye surgery. Certain things you really don't wanna look for a bargain. Eye surgery being one...sushi would be another.


Tuesday, January 19, 2010


I went with the Mrs. and some friends to The Borgata this weekend. I only play blackjack (video blackjack if I'm gettin' killed, as you can play for less).

Now, I'm smart enough to know that no matter how poorly the other people at your table play, your own odds aren't affected (I actually find it odd how many really smart people think it does affect your own odds). However, I am easily annoyed, and like most, very annoyed when someone doesn't play the "right" way. Though again, I don't even know why it annoys me as I know it has no bearing on how I am going to do.

It just does.

So there I was, sitting next to two crew-cutted twenty-something's, who were hitting on 15 when the dealer was showing 4, sticking on 15 when the dealer had a 9, etc.

I was gettin' more and more pissed off (as were the other people at the table, judging by their head-shaking and death glares).

One of the crew-cuts asked me what I did for a living. I told him and then, asked him what he did.

"I'm a fighter pilot, about to be deployed to Iraq."

For the next minute or so, I felt really bad about silently cursing him.

That's when he hit on 18.


Monday, January 11, 2010

Is Mark McGwire Kidding?!?

If you haven't heard, Mark McGwire finally admitted taking steroids.

He said he famously refused to answer questions during Congressional hearings about steroids because he was protecting his family (he didn't have immunity btw).

He said he came clean now because he just got hired as hitting coach for the St. Louis Cards, and didn't want to become a distraction to the team.

So, basically, he kept quiet AND came clean to for others' sake. Is he a great guy or what?

In his interview he claimed they helped him with injury but didn't affect his power numbers. I dont have them in front of me, but I'd be willing to bet that his numbers from 1989 to 1993 paled in comparison to the period from 1994 to 2000 (or whenever he retired).

There is also talk about whether his admission will help his chances of getting into the Hall of Fame (He was named on 23 percent of the ballots last need 75% for inclusion).


Why should his chances be higher because he admitted to cheating (which everyone with half a brain suspected all along)? We should reward him for cheating because he decided to be honest?

Read that again.



Friday, January 8, 2010

Yes, Another (Short) Dog Related Post

Dog owners all compare our dogs to people, but the fact is, there are some good attributes in people that we wouldn’t even want in our dogs, like spontaneity, cause if your dog does something spontaneous, it’s never good. It’s never gonna be..I came home from work and found Kilo waiting for me by the door with homemade cookies…it’s more like I watching TV when out of nowhere, Kilo took a crap on the rug.


Thursday, January 7, 2010

Very Late Post

I volunteered to help Josie and her organization at their annual Christmas Party* for disadvantaged families. It's a great event where lower-income families get a holiday dinner (some cooked by Josie's parents!), toys for the kids, and even caricatures drawn by local artists who donated their time.

It was kinda odd to see the police parked in one corner taking pictures of the kids. Why, you ask? So if they are kidnapped, they'd have a picture immediately to go by.

That must be an interesting conversation....

"Okay kids, now that you've gotten your cotton candy and your picture taken with Spiderman, let's go take another picture before we open your gifts!"
"Yay! What's this picture for?"
"This one's in case someone steals you from mommy so the police have some way of tracking you down!"
Kids start crying.

After helping to sort the gifts and putting up the Christmas tree, I worked the buffet line. Usually, that would mean me eating, but no, in the spirit of the holiday, I spooned out food.

When dessert was about over, one person came up to my wife, pointed at something, and asked, "Is that pumpkin pie?"
Josie looked at it and replied, "No, that's a piece of wood."

Parents say the darndest things!


*There were no white people there so I'll go out on a limb and say none were Jewish.