Monday, March 31, 2008


I just got a call from the CBS Early Show. The producer of the segment that Stewie is going to be on was on the other end.

Though it will air, it won't be tomorrow.

Right now, Stewie has locked himself in the bathroom, cause he thinks it's my fault.

I don't blame him.


I will (obviously) let y'all know when it will air.

Rock On,


How I Picture My Girlfriend Telling Her Mom About Me Given Our Disparate Upbringings and My Fascination with 80's Teen Comedies

So mom, I'm going out with this guy.

No, he's not from around here. He's from the other side of the tracks. Please don't judge him before getting to know him as he's never been given a break in his life. His background? Well, his parents were divorced when he was three, he grew up with his mom, and on welfare.

No, he's not a criminal, though he does maintain a tough exterior which covers a heart of gold. I think he's just afraid of letting anyone in.

Yes, he has a job. He's a writer and performs stand-up comedy.

Yes, he went to college... one of the city schools, and he had to work in a fast food restaurant to pay his tuition.

No, he isn't Mexican.

No, he doesn't have an MBA, or any Masters from an Ivy League school like myself, but that's just not his thing, he doesn't really care about money or status... Don't look at me like that! He marches to the beat of his own drummer.

Yes, he has dreams and goals, though the other day he told me that for the foreseeable future he just wants to hang with me. I thought that was cool, though I can see you're none too pleased. We met online, though he told me he was afraid to write because he didn't think a girl like me would go out with a guy like him. When we finally started talking, were both kind of reserved at first, but we soon realized that even though we're from two different worlds, we both had our own problems.

No, I don't know where he summers. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even own a summer home. In fact, I don't think his family owns their first home.

My friends? Well, they think I'm going through a phase and will come to my senses, but they don't understand. Jimmy's actually stopped talking to me. Oddly enough, his friends aren't thrilled with me either.

I know, weird.

Oh yeah, one other thing, he's a Jew.

Rock On,


It Wasn't The Audience

I did a show a few nights ago in a bar in New Jersey. It was sposed to be a contest (the winner gets free dinner for two at the bar). It wasn't the best show I've ever been a part of...What was wrong with it? Well.....

1 - They started a half hour late
2 - They had four comics go up BEFORE the contest started (and there were fifteen in the contest).
3 - One co-host basically relied on her looks - she had no jokes whatsoever - then blamed audience when they didn't laugh.
4 - The other co-host did zero crowd work - just did material - to complete silence. When they were backstage, the co-hosts talked about how dead the crowd was.
5- The first comic, who sposedly won some Jersey contest ended his set with - "I see guys in orange jumpsuits with NYDOC on back anyone know what that stands for?"
An audience member said, "NJ dept of Corr." He goes...

"No, it stands for Ni**ers Just Doing Our Chores"


6- Pretty much every comic did his/her act to silence (and it wasn't the audience's fault)

7- The comic before me was Muslim (I think) - part of his "act" was to put on a fake big nose, big black hat, and hair down his sides (like the religious dudes do) and did an offensive impression of a Jew who works in the diamond district.

The host said, "And there ya go...a Muslim playing a Jew."

When I got up I opened with, disgustedly, "Just so ya know, I'm a Jew playing a Jew."

The "best" part was that the crowd (about 25 peeps) paid ten bucks each. Ouch!

Rock On,


Rock On, Indeed...

I'm a big fan of Dan Kennedy's work, from his McSweeney's pieces , to his books.

For his latest book, Rock On (which I just linked to), he ran a contest to see who can write the best Office Power Ballads (you read that correctly).

I was one of the winners. Here is my entry (ignore fact my dog is named Stew) -

No One Like Stew
(To the tune of The Scorpions' No One Like You)

Man, its been a long time that we’ve been cube mates
I remember whenyou were a temp
And I made you fetch me coffee

Dude, nine to five aint no way to live life
Boring work, lousy pay,fluorescent lights,
Having one confidante is the key

There’s no one like Stew
I can’t wait for the days with Stew
‘Specially now that they fired ‘drew
Even filing is fun with Stew

No one like Stew
I can’t wait for the days with Stew
‘Specially now that they fired ‘drew
Even filing is fun with Stew

Bro, remember when your computer froze up
And they blocked us fromviewing some sites
My laughter could not be restrained

Oooh, Stew, if you ever decide to move on
You’ve got to give me aone-month heads-up
There’s no way that I’m gonna stay

There’s no one like Stew
I can’t wait for the days with Stew
‘Specially now that they fired ‘drew
Even filing is fun with Stew

No one like Stew
I can’t wait for the days with Stew
‘Specially now that they fired ‘drew
Even filing is fun with Stew

No one like Stew.

Rock On,


Four Posts Today....GUANTANTEED!!

(not including this one)

Got a few things for youse...

Rock One,


Friday, March 28, 2008

Pretty Sketchy

Did y'all see this? Hideki Matsui got maddied ("Married?!?", "Yes!! Maddied!!!"). By doing so, he won a bet between him, Derek Jeter and Bobby Abreu, teammates on the Yankees. But that wasn't the best part...the best part is when he announced his marriage to the press he showed a sketch of his wife...

As Josie asked, "What is she, on the FBI's Most Wanted List?"

Actually, it's not even the oddest marriage-related item from New York Yankee history, That honor is a tie between pitchers Mike Kekich and Fritz Peterson, who in 1973 traded wives, kids and dogs!

Rock On,


Stewie's Big Break

Yesterday, the CBS Early Show spent an hour and a half in our apartment, for this. The segment being filmed was for a new product to test your dog's IQ.

The crew brought the various instruments to test Stewie (e.g. diff colored cups, balls, masks - which will be explained later).

Here were some of my favorite tests:

1 - The reporter (Dr. Debbye Turner - former Miss America btw) took Stewie into the bedroom, while I placed a blanket over my head. I then called him to me. The key was to see if he'd recognize my voice and try to get in. Also, would he be successful...or if he'd get scared? (He tried to get in for a while but then gave up). During this test, I kept pleading with Stew to find me since I was sweating and losing consciousness in there (half true)

2 - I threw a ball and told Stewie to bring it to me. (He did) I then throw the ball but don't say anything (He still brought it back to me - not surprising as Stewie is obsessed with playing ball)

3 - My favorite (I hope this gets aired) - I went into the bedroom and put on a knit hat, the kind that goes over your face, with holes for your eyes and mouth. And then walk into the living room and see Stewie's reaction. The funny part was that I left my glasses on, outside the mask. I looked like a geeky burglar. (Stewie jumped on me while wagging his tail as if I was a giant bone).

Other highlights include...

- Stewie taking breaks during almost every task to lick himself
- Me constantly squealing "You can do it Stewie! C'mon boy! You're right there! C'mon Stewie!"(I'm afraid if they show any of that, every friend of mine will greet me with a high-pitched "Hi Harris! C'mon boy! Here we are! Good Boy!!")
- Me sweating (I was having flashbacks of my the Blind Date incident of 2001, where I was selected to be on the TV show Blind Date but I sweated so much during the filming that they couldn't use it)

ANYWAY, set yer VCR's, DVR's, DVD's (can you record on them?) for Tuesday AM, sometime between 8 and 9 AM...if you wanna see my pup get his first TV credit.

Rock On,


Thursday, March 27, 2008

I Refuse to Lie

Comics usually hang out together in the back of clubs waiting for their turn on stage, or talking about their time on stage after they go up.

Usually, when comics get offstage, no matter how bad they do, they hear a bunch of "Good set's." I refuse to lie. I'm not sure why I've drawn the line in the sand there, but I feel like I've already sold myself out enough in this business, I refuse to stroke others' egos just for networking purposes (though others will say they are being nice, I think it would be nicer if some "comics" knew they stunk, quit, so they wouldn't subject audiences to masturbation and dick jokes on a nightly basis). Anyway, when someone does lousy on stage, I usually just pretend on writing something or looking at my hand.

Yesterday, I was MC'ing an open mic at Gotham Comedy Club. I wish I thought of what to say before, I got up to the mic to introduce this absolutely atrocious "comic."

I started with "I've seen this comic several times...." then I paused, thinking what to follow that up with. Nothing came. The longer I paused, the more tension built in the room due to my silence. I knew that the first part demanded that I say something about those times I saw him.

If I were totally honest, I would've said something like....

"...and let's just say he's very brave....Give it up for XXX XXXX!"
"... and he silenced the room every time! Give it up for XXX XXXX!"
"... man, did he bite it. Give it up for XXX XXXX!"
"... why he continues to subject us to his prepubescent blather is beyond me, but he does, and here he is... Give it up for XXX XXXX!"

ANYWAY, the silence became too much for me and my improv skills failed, so I just said, ".... XXX XXXX!"

Yup... I just said his name, which pretty much tells everyone what I think of his act.

Oh well.

Rock On,


It Never Fails....

So this new literary magazine, Two With Water, accepted one of my essays, on the condition that I make certain revisions.
"Sure," I e-mailed, "No problem."
So I made the revisions.
I just got the following e-mail from them...

Thanks again for your revision and your interest in Two With Water. You'll find more of our (humble) comments attached. Unfortunately, with the revisions made, we don't think the piece fits in with the publication at this time. We welcome and appreciate any other submissions you'd like to make in the future. Thanks again, Harris.

A quick synopsis -

They accept, contingent on revisions ----- I make said revisions ----- they reject, based on said revisions.

The moral is obvious - don't buy Two With Water.

This actually reminds me when I wrote a book about Internet Dating (called "Don't Post A Picture If You're Ugly." - catchy, no?) at the behest of a small press publisher. When the book was just about done, they went out of business.

It's things like these that make me think that CBS won't show this afternoon.

Rock On,


Wednesday, March 26, 2008

He Won't Eat the Green Kibble Anymore

Our dog, Stewie, is a rock star in our 'hood.

Whenever we walk him, passersbys smile. Okay, he gets smiles, we get nothin'. Stewie knows this and usually looks back at us and snickers (Well, that's what it feels like).

Tomorrow, a team from CBS This Morning (or whatever their early show - wait...that's it The Early Show!) is coming to our apartment to film a segment about this new dog IQ test (It is being taped...I'll let you know when it will air).

Super... My dog will get a TV credit before I do.

He's gonna be tough to live with.

Rock On,


Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Alcatraz: The Occupation

One of the odder things I learned on our trip to California was that for a few years, American Indians took over Alcatraz (well after it was no longer used as a prison). I think it was between 1969 and 1971...I could look it up, but whatever...if you really care, you can too.

Here's some snippets of dialogue during the occupation....

Day One - The Landing - "Yeah!!! (High Fives all around) We're taking land from the white man!!! Woo Hoo!!! This Rocks!!!"

Day Two - "Hell no! We won't Go! Hell no! We won't go!!"

Day Five - "Okay, maybe we shoulda planned this a bit better. Can anyone here make a blanket out of rocks?"

Day Ninety Seven - "For the good of our new civilization, I hereby declare Flaming Arrow's board games open to all of us. Anyone wanna play Risk?"

Day One Hundred Eighty Six - "I would kill for a latte."

Day Two Hundred Twelve - "What's the favorite music on this island?" "What?" "Rock and Rock." "That's horrible." "I know...please shoot me."

Day Three Hundred Fifty Six - "I know, in retrospect, I probably wouldn't have used up boat space for my air purifier."

Day Four Hundred Sixteen - "I forget...why did we do this?"

The Final Day - "It's really killin' me. The song goes, 'Ba da da da da dum! Ba da dum! Ba da Dum!' Tell ya what, I'll head back to the mainland, google it, and then I'll come right back."
"If you're going, then I'm going!"

Rock On,


Monday, March 24, 2008

UPDATE - Fresh Direct Is Making Me Feel Like A Teenage Girl

So Josie and I haven't ordered from Fresh Direct since this occurred. The main reason we haven't is cause Josie sent them a letter, detailing our frustrations...and they didn't respond.

I think it's safe to say we've both prayed they'd respond - not only is it much easier to order stuff online, but some of their stuff is much better that store-bought items - but apparently, Fresh Direct has decided to smite us.

We've recently been craving some of their stuff, and almost order...but then remember their incredibly poor customer service, and put the keyboard down. And feeel better about ourselves for having done so.

So fear not, loyal boycotters, our resolve remains intact... we will carry this boycott through until its logical conclusion - when we bring Fresh Direct down to its knees!

Rock On,


Goin' Back To Cali....

Ok, where was I... oh yeah...

We left San Fran and headed down to Monterey....

Wait - One last thing about SF - When entering SF, our GPS seemingly got told us we were off course when we weren't. I know we weren't cause we turned around and ended up going the same way we were originally going. Josie was driving at the time (as mentioned before, I'm not a fan of driving) and let's just say I don't think we'll ever have a car while we live in the least I won't ride with her in the city if we get a car. Though the "best" was yet to come (cue ominous music)...

Monterey - Stopped to walk around and eat by the water. When Josie used the restroom, the busboy asked me if we were married.
I said, "No, dating."
He replied, "Ohhh, she very nice."
I got up and waited for her by the restroom.

17 Mile Drive - By Pebble Beach Golf Course, there's a stretch of land (not sure how long it is)outlining the coast which is private so they charge you like 10 bucks to drive through it. Since we'd already spent 32 million bucks on this trip, we figured what's another ten, ya know? I was driving at this juncture so we had to stop at a few of the "vista points" so I could look (no, I can't drive and look over cliffs).

Yurt Night - Treebones isn't even on the GPS - when we made the left, our GPS told us we were driving into a mountain. The place was pretty much what I expected - somewhat hippie-ish, laid back owner, peaceful, everyone smiles at everyone else (whenever anyone I don't know smiles at me or says "Good Morning" I also wonder "What the hell do you want?" - you can take the kid out of NY...) - the dining area did have a TV but it remained off for the entire stay...and no, I didn't take a shower while there.
It was around this part of the trip when I realized that I prolly shoulda brought more than one pair of sneakers... Josie made me leave them outside the yurt overnight to air out. I was worried about someone stealing them, but she assured me that if anything, they will keep burglers away.

Santa Barbara - Lovely town - they seem to specialize in cute shops with cute names, like "Something's Fishy" (Japanese steak house - I have no idea why it had a seafood restaurant sounding name) and "lettuce b. frank" (I have no idea what they sold). Anyway, we were gonna spend a night there but it didn't seem like there was much to see (besides cute stores with cute names) so we had lunch and left and decided to spend the night in L.A.

Neptune's Net - On our way to L.A. we stopped off here, where we had heavily fried calamari and shrimps, with beer (with the aformentioned clamato juice). After eating, we gave each other angioplasty's and headed into the City of Angels.

To be continued...

Rock On,


Saturday, March 22, 2008

A Few Stand-Up Notes...

I've had three shows since returning from's something I took from each....

1 - Tuesday night, Gotham - I'm willing to bet a certain comic who opened his set with a joke about Heath Ledger's death will first ask if there are any Aussies in the crowd in the future, before opening with a joke about Heath Ledger's death.

I've heard groans before at a show (sometimes at my jokes), but never boos...until Tuesday night.

2 - Wednesday night, a bar in Astoria -I feel the same getting laughs from 12 people in a bar basement in Astoria, Queens as I do at Gotham with 150-200 people in the audience.

3 - Friday Night, Gotham - hosted the early bringer show - 12 peeps in audience -

Within two minutes of doing crowd work at the top of the show, I told an audience member to go on with her story as "We have plenty of time and I ain't got that much material."

I'm not sure, but I think someone to the left of the stage muttered "You can say that again."

(Here's my internal thought process when typing that.....

"Great self-deprecating quote, Harris! Your readers are prolly telling themselves, "Wow... no one who sucks would admit hearing such a thing. You're like some kind of marketing genius! They prolly even think you're better than you are! But be careful big guy...too many of these kinda comments and they can't help but assume you suck. Hmmm... now that I think of it, how many times have I blogged poor reviews? Not that you're bad or anything, but c'mon...should you really be putting anything negative on your blog about your act? I mean, sure, your friends who've seen your act know the deal, but what about the mimi's and the dorkie-she's out there? And the lurkers? Oh my God, what about the lurker's?!?
That's more blogging at midnight on Saturday when you're exhausted")

Rock On,


Friday, March 21, 2008

I Left My Harp In Sam Clam's Disco

Still in Napa - Napa was awesome but it whenever yer in the midst of a seven-month old baby, it's gonna be about the baby. And though I'm horrible at small talk, or feigning it, I did my best...
"Does she sleep well?"
"How often do you feed her?"
"I went to school with a, was she ugly."

San Francisco - After spending a day drinking wine, we (actually, she) drove to San Francisco to spend a couple of days.
I love San Francisco...seriously, if I had no family, I'd prolly look into moving there (unless, ummm, Josie didn't want to). Only problem I have with it are the hills (which is kinda like saying the only problem one has with chocolate ice cream is the chocolate). I dunno if I could drive there. We stayed at some cool, but garishly colored hotel (Something Del Sol?) fairly close to the wharf. Maybe I was just in a Cali state of mind but it reminded me of where Daniel and his mom lived in The Karate Kid. I even called maintenance hoping they would send an old, quiet Asian buddinski (what? well, he was). But they didn't. And the Spanish guy kept insisting he doesn't know anything about karate.

We visited Alcatraz - I wonder if anyone's visited and not said The Rock with a Scottish accent. Pretty cool, walked into cells, watched videos, even walked through the gift shop (in case visitors forgot to bring something for their loved ones). Little known fact: The prisoners didn't make license plates, they made guns (I may've misheard).

(Either my dog wants to play or, well, my dog wants to play - I'll write more layta)

Rock on,


Thursday, March 20, 2008

Cali Vacation - Part One

Besides some breathtaking pictures, I haven't really mentioned anything about my, err, our vacation, so here goes - but I'm gonna stick to just the odd highlights (and lowlight) -

Josie and I flew JetBlue into San Francisco - I assume one of the flight attendants either had a crush on the pilot or had a hot date as soon as we landed as, on this 7 AM flight, she not only was in full make-up (and more than full for most), but musta walked through the Macy's perfume counter on her way to JFK.
Of coufse I sat in the middle seat, next to Josie and some woman visiting her kids in SF. She wanted to talk. I had zero interest in talking, but didn't want to be rude, so I nodded a lot. Josie was fine with talking. So they talked, around me. And oh yeah, she was hard of hearing...made it all the more fun.

We picked up our rental car - Naturally, they said we didn't ask for the GPS thingy, and they didn't have the car we wanted with the GPS thingy so we had to choose a more expensive car. We chose the convertible, figurin' it's gonna be awesome flyin' down Highway One with the top down. Yeeeehawwww! (this is what writers call "foreshadowing")

She Drives to Napa Valley - One fascinating thing about me is that I hate driving - I even have a low level fear of driving (stemming from a car accident I was in several years ago), but I will if I must. Since our total mileage in Cali would approach 600 or so miles, I knew I'd do some driving, but not yet. Josie drove to Napa to meet her friends. I couldn't help but notice that driving within the city limits made her umm, a little tense (more foreshadowing).

Napa Valley - So we were staying with two of Josie's friends in the husband's step-father's vacation house. He's the kind of old-school money that wears a dinner jacket and tie to Sunday home. ANYWAY, they house was, in a word, ridiculous - Lotsa marble, columns, art signed by some dude name "Picasso," you get the idea (actually, you really don't, but whatever...). Nice couple, the guy has a fascination with the term "cold beer." As in, "You want a cold beer?" - "Lucy (their 7 month old daughter), you can't have any of daddy's cold beer!"

(Okay, I'm really tired...late show last night - will write more later)

Rock On,


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Mea Culpa

My girlfriend, Josie, noticed that if you read my last blog, you'd think I went on vacation solo (I actually changed it to put her name in). In addition to the change, I have decided to include some pictures of her....

Here she is displaying perfect ten/two hand positioning while driving...

Here she is about to enjoy a frosty can on Bud Light with Clamato Juice...

(yes, that's her elbow)

Here is a picture taken by her of me walkin' in LA (my tribute to Missing Persons)...

And that concludes the photo gallery portion of my vacation.

Rock On,


Monday, March 17, 2008

Whilst I Reacclimatize Myself to 31 Degrees....

Here are some pics from Josie and my vacation....

This one was taken at Sterling Vineyards in beautiful Napa Valley...

Here is a picture in a Macy's in lovely Santa Barbara (had to buy a tie)....

Here's a pic at divey scenic hotspot, Neptune's Net, just outside of L.A.....

And finally (for now), here's a pic at the wedding we attended (I know how everyone loves wedding photos! Enjoy!)...

Don't worry! More Later!

Rock on,


Sunday, March 16, 2008

....And I'm Back...

Pics and tales to come.

Rock On,


Friday, March 7, 2008

Holding! Harris Bloom! Repeat Third Down!

I was talking to another comic today, Jill Twiss, who said that as a comic, you're always being judged. Of course, she's right. Whether you're perfoming at a club or even an open mic, people are deciding whether you're funny or not. In some instances, like at industry auditions, they're even judging you further, like whether your persona is strong enough.

It's not that way at my day gig....

The most important thing I do at work is the FOCUS Report.

FOCUS is an acromym, standing for Financial and Operational Combined Uniform Single Report.

It isn't nearly as exciting as it sounds.

Fact is, the only time you're noticed at my kinda job is when I do something wrong.

Accountants are the offensive linemen of corporate America.

Rock On,


LL Cool H

At 5:45 tomorrow AM, Josie and are are leavin' for Cali (risin', surprisin').

Fear not, I will blog a few times while out there as I know many of you would suffer the affects of a sudden withdrawal of your daily dose of Vitamin Aitch (that's meant in a '70's cheesy pick-up line kinda way - I really should start a sleazy character who refers to himself as Vitamin Aitch non-ironically)

ANYWAY, though every says how laid back people are there, for some reason I'm expecting everyone to be about the same as here, just tanner.

We'll see...

BTW - In LL's song, why does he say "I don't think so..." I mean, was he NOT going out to Cali?

Rock On,


Thursday, March 6, 2008

This Is Only A Test

Leaving office to go take a Continuing Education Test for my job.

I'll get to remember how much I've forgotten.

Rock On,


Wednesday, March 5, 2008

You Decide

My mom works in a doctor's office. Because of this, she gets promotional items from the various drug reps who pass through., you know, things like pens, pads, and coffee mugs, all emblazoned with the name of whatever drug they're pushing.

But, I gotta tell ya, you either have to have some serious self-confidence, or be a lunatic, to walk around the office with this cup (as I do)...

Rock On,


Where My White People At?

I did a show last night deep in the heart of Brooklyn, at a retaurant/bar called The 5 Spot, just a few blocks from Bed-Sty. It was the second show I'd ever done in an "urban" room. The first one I did as a newbie, and was an unmitigated disaster.

I walked 15 blocks from the C train to the bar, during which I called my's a snippet of that conversation...

(It's 9:00 and we're 5 minutes into conversation)
Mom - So, where are you?
Me - Walking to a club.
Mom - Oh, you have a show?
Me - Yeah
Mom - Where, at the Gotham?
Me - No, this place in Brooklyn.
Mom - (after ten seconds of silence) - Oh, Harris, at this time at night, you're walking through Brooklyn?
Me - (looking up) Why me?!?

(Edit: This morning, my mom called me to make sure I got home)

ANYWAY, I got there.

Not sayin' the place was scary, but whenever the MC took the stage, she brought her purse with her.

When the show started at 9:30, there wasn't any audience, just comics, which was fine with me.... bombing in front of comics wouldn't bother me as much. People did slowly filter in, and by the time I went on (4th), there were about 25 audience members.

The first comic, Becky Ciletti, really funny, but she has this thing where she asks the audience questions before each bit, like, "You guys have jobs?" or "You guys date?" and then goes into her jokes about said topics - Normally, it's really funny...but when the crowd is all black, it sounded vaguely racist, which was funny in itself.

Admittedly, I was nervous (never a good thing as the audience can smell that).

Before going up, buddy and soon-to-be-famous comic, Josh Homer, who went up after me, gave me some advice, "You just gotta have confidence... and energy."

The odd thing was that two of the three comics before me were white too. It gave me a perfect opening joke..."This show's the opposite of an NBA game... the crowd's black but the performers are white." Got a good laugh, and I was off....

All in all, I did okay, most of my jokes got a decent chuckle from at least one person (prolly comics), and more importantly, I did it in an urban room, which shows my confidence level has grown.

Of course, I'll know I'm really good when I don't say things like, "...and more importantly, I did it in an urban room, which shows my confidence level has grown."

Rock On,


p.s. thanks for the ride to the train Josh!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

The 69 Year Old Virgin

Gary Gygax, the guy who created Dungeons and Dragons, died today at 69.

He will be remembered as being responsible for more teenage virginity than acne.


Rock On,


Yeah, About What I Said...Umm, Forget It...

I dunno if you recall this blog entry, where I claimed to be an animal lover....even though I do eat animals. I just don't think about how it got on my plate. I'm sure if I saw Fast Food Nation, I'd stop eating meat. Okay, maybe not, but I would cry while eating it.

What that has to do with the fact that I ate crickets last night, I don't know.

But yeah, I ate crickets.

Josie came home with them - apparently, they were giving away boxes of them at subway stations as a promo gimmick for Bizarre Foods, some show on the Travel Channel.

As you can see, they were "bacon and cheese" flavored. It really put my "I'm tellin' ya...I'd eat anything if it were slathered in bacon and cheese" theory to the test.

I love the package...with crickets on it. You don't see cows on meat packages (though you do on computer packages...odd)

How'd they taste? Like chicken...kiddin' - like popcorn, well, bacon and cheese flavored popcorn. Which is delicious!

Warning - If your significant other isn't thrilled the the whole "eating crickets" idea, don't pretend you're a giant prehistoric lizard slowly eating them, while sitting within throwing distance.

Rock On,



"One can measure the greatness and the moral progress of a nation by looking at how it treats her animals"

I never used to be an animal lover. Though I'd smile at cute or funny lookin' dogs, I prolly say I was fairly indifferent to their plight.

That changed when I got a dog (which I got only cause my ex wanted one...and I ended up with Stewie in the break-up).

Now, I'm a lunatic. I even produced and MC'ed a comedy show to benefit my dog run.

In fact, last night I saw Braveheart. The battle scenes really disturbed me, not cause the Scots and English were bludgeoning, impaling, stabbing, and otherwise killing each other, but cause of the many horses that died in the battle... I highly doubt they knew what they were fighting for.

In a similar vein, I used to read Gawker religiously. I stopped, as I found its psuedo-snarkiness more and more grating (I say "pseudo" cause I think to write all day about dumb celebs, you are part of the celeb culture - if you really hated the Lohans/Reids/Spears and all their bs, you wouldn't be able to deal with following it all day, every day).

Recently, I started reading it again. I dunno why, I just did...until yesterday. I ain't gonna link to it but they posted a video of a U.S. soldier throwing a dog off a cliff. Of course it was accompanied by their usual snarky commentary, comparing it to a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

I aint' gonna waste anymore time on it, or their site.

Rock On,


Monday, March 3, 2008

I Work In a Pre-Revolutionary War Building

I love pre-war buildings - typically, they have higher ceilings, cool mouldings, and a style that today's cookie-cutter buildings don't have.

What I don't love, is working in a pre-war building - a few minutes ago, someone's lunch was cooking in the microwave when another employee decided to use the nearby copier...not realizing that the combo would blow the fuse.

Rock On,


This Morning: A Screenplay

INT. JOSIE and HARRIS's apartment - DAY

Harris is sitting on a sofa. Josie is in the bathroom.


What did you do in the shower?

(slightly panicked)

Come here.

Harris slowly ambles to bathroom. He looks into shower.

Oh! I plunged it...I know, it's like a bacteria circus in there.

Can you call maintenance after work?

Yeah, but for now.....

(Harris closes the shower curtain.)

Problem solved!

Awesome. You're still gonna call maintenance, right? Right?!?

Aaaand Scene!

Rock On,


Sunday, March 2, 2008

Ummm, Present Company Excluded?

As I've mentioned before, I think some "comics" around my level are delusional because their friends keep telling them how great they are. That will never be a worry for me...

I did a show tonight, and a couple of friends came to see me. Afterwards, we went to a bar. A couple of drinks in, I was talking to my friend's boyfriend, who tells me, "I didn't think any of the comics tonight stood out. I mean, some had good jokes, but no one was memorable."

Rock On,