Friday, November 30, 2007


Little back story here - So Josie's moving to my place this Sunday and we're gonna lease out her place to my bud. The catch is, we're not telling her building mgt or they'd raise his rent. Got it? Begin scene...

Last night I was carrying boxes to Josie's apartment to help her pack. When I was opening the door to her lobby, there was this middle-aged guy standing there, staring at me, even after I got in. I nervously smiled.

"Do you live here?" he asked.
"Umm, no, my girlfriend does...Josie...apartment 2B," I started, and then redundantly added, "I'm, umm, her boyfriend."
"Oh, okay, I'm the super," he replied, and looking at the boxes added, "Is she moving?"
"Umm, no, you see, ummm, we're painting...

Okay, let's stop the scene right there - you may be wondering why I said, "We're painting." It's a valid question. The answer is... I'm an idiot. It made no sense. Why I would need boxes to paint is beyond me. But let's continue...

....," I started to say, but then realized that she may not be allowed to paint her place without prior approval or something. So I switched gears. " place. We're painting my place."

We gotta stop again. That made even less sense. Why the hell we'd be bringing boxes to her place in order to paint my place... I'm speechlesss just thinking about what an idiot I am. At any rate...

He looked at me like I just grew a third eyeball.

At this point, I'm not really sure what I said. I felt like I was on my Blind Date interview, where I was talking and yet had no idea what I was saying. So I can only paraphrase what I said next...

"You see, I don't have the keys to my place, so I'm dropping stuff here." While the super previously looked puzzled, he now looked at me like he suspected I was a member of Al Queda. Seeing this, I added, "It's a long story."

Thankfully, he didn't tell me that he had time. Instead we made some small talk about letting people in the building or something (again, I was completely flummoxed and everything is a blur) before I finally excused myself.

Can't wait for Sunday.

Rock On,


Thursday, November 29, 2007

Is that "Passive" Or Aggressive?"

Last night in bed, Josie told me that she doesn't think I listen to her when she wants to discuss work-related issues.

At least that's what she told me she said this morning, as I had fallen asleep mid-sentence.

Rock On,


Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Another Screenplay Idea (Inspired By True Events)

Storyline like Big or Freaky Friday -

Two guys, one an accountant, the other works in a different job, something society deems crappy, like a janitor or someone who cleans bed pans in hospitals. Something happens where they switch bodies, and therefore jobs. After a few weeks, they have the opportunity to switch back to their old lives with their old jobs. The guy who became an accountant is happy to make the switch and go back to cleaning bed pans or whatever.

Here’s the twist: The guy who now cleans bed pans, refuses to turn back into an accountant, and runs away (memo to self: Does he run away with with sans bed pans?)

Rock On,


Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Screenplay Idea (Inspired By True Events)

Romantic Comedy from guy’s perspective...

This guy works as lower-management drone.

“Cute meet” has something to do with guy stepping in vomit on subway. Maybe she gives him napkins to clean himself off. Or maybe she steps in it. Maybe they both step in it. I dunno yet... The important thing is that there's vomit involved.

That's all I've got so far....

Not sure who plays him, but see about Kate Beckinsdale for female character…

Rock On,


Thank You, Stewie

As you read, my mom, bro and nephew came over on Thanksgiving to help develop my ulcer.

The day after, I was supposed to accompany Josie to meet like thirty or forty of her relatives, mainly on her mom's side.

Her mom is Mennonite, which isn't a life-form from the planet Mennon (I asked...what?!?), it's a religion, I off-shoot of Amish (Is that a religion? Y'all can google it if you care that much).

ANYWAY, every year they spend a few daze around Thanksgiving here.

My friends couldn't wait to hear how that went.

Alas, as you know, my pup, Stewie became ill earlier in the week. He got iller and iller (and not in the cool, Beastie Boys kinda way) until I couldn't take him with us, and didn't feel right leaving him with someone.

So I stayed home.

Fast forward to yesterday -All his tests came back negative and thankfully, he's better now.

It's as if he didn't want me to go, or maybe it was the few drops of ammonia that I accidently left near his water dish.

Rock On,


Monday, November 26, 2007

A Disappointing Birthday

So yesterday was my birthday.

Josie gave me her gift in the mornin'.

An iPod Shuffle.

That sucks!

How the hell am I gonna make fun of that gift?!? *

Rock On,


* For those of you who don't know me (or my act), I joke about getting an air purifier as a birthday gift...also, I got a watch a year ago from my last girlfriend. That wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that it was the same watch that I already owned.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

Saturday night I had a guest spot on a "bringer show" at Gotham Comedy Club. If ya don't know what a bringer show is (and care to find out), read this part of a series I'm writing at about stand-up comedy...

Bringer shows are....

ANYWAY, most bringer shows (and bringer comics) are, in a word, boring. That's cause most comics at that level aren't that good, or that bad. But Saturday night's show featured something that made me sit up and take notice.

This young comic started talking about how some people's favorite episode of All on the Family was the one in which Edith got raped (I'm not sure that's even true but that's neither here nor there). He proceeded to do a two-minute impression of her getting raped, one which ended with her liking it, and deciding she's a nympho.

Trust me when I say it was worse in person.

What really annoyed me though was how shoddy his research (or memory) was - she wasn't raped - she fought him off.

It's that kinda poor attention to detail that keeps potential customers from going to comedy clubs.

Rock On,


Saturday, November 24, 2007

Don't Leave Home Without It, Indeed

So after having a difficult morning yesterday with Josie (No, I don't wanna talk about it), I took the wrong keys with me to work.


Of course I didn't realize it until I was entering my building. Normally, that wouldn't be such a big deal as I could either go to Josie and get her keys or, if she's to be home soon, just wait for her. The problem was that she was going to visit her family for the night.

Double ouch.

After asking if the management office was open (they have a master key) - they weren't - I panic-called Josie, the only other person with a key, only to find out she was already on the bus to Pennsylania.


With no other option, I was about to call a locksmith to break in to my own apartment. There goes another 200 bucks. That's what I paid not three months ago when I locked myself out. I know, I'm an idiot.

Before I called, I thought I'd try picking the lock. Of course I tried that the last time to no avail, but I figured it couldn't hurt.

I pulled out my American Express card, slid it in, tried the door. Nothing. Tried to slide it up and down, kept trying the door when...


It opened.

Good to know that if this whole lil comedy thing doesn't work out, I can search for work as a low-level thief.

Rock On,


Friday, November 23, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving

Before my mom, brother and nephew came over yesterday, I was on the phone with mom...

Mom: You okay? You don't sound good
Me: Stewie's sick
Mom: Uh oh...what's the matter?
Me: He's vomitting and he had diarrhea
Mom: Oh you think Mike (my nephew) should still come?
Me: You're kiddin', right?

Stewie's my dog. *

Everything went well, though I can't have Thanksgiving without thinking of a favorite Homer Simpson quote (and I'm paraphrasing) -

"That was the best Thanksgiving ever! I mean, emotionally it was horrible, but the turkey was soooo moist!"

Rock On,


* Of course, if Mike comes down with a case of worms, I'm in big trouble.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

You Have Got to be Kiddin' Me

Latke and Ham flavored soda?


Rock On,


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

My "Surprise" Birthday Party....and Monk

I'm a huge fan of the TV show Monk. So much so, that much like Monk, I assume everyone I meet has either killed, or is plotting to kill, their wife. And I like to pretend I have OCD, but that's neither here nor there...

Several weeks ago, I was peeking over Josie's shoulder when she was checking her e-mail, and noticed one that suggested she may've been plotting to throw me a surprise birthday party. The heading of the e-mail stated...


But, much like an episode of Monk, where we often see the murder (and the murderer) in the opening scene but not how Monk was gonna catch him/her, I knew there was a party but had no idea how it was gonna go down.

And then I found that out too.

When my friend Vic told me that he and my bro (Rich) were gonna take me out for my birthday on Nov 24th (day before my actual birthday), and to bring Josie too, I knew. That was it. Of course, I had to make it difficult, telling them that I was busy that day and wouldn't be able to go out. After Josie told me not to be a jerk, I agreed to be a good sport and just go along with it. Even if my surprise was spoiled, at least I'll let them think they got me.

Josie wanted to take me out, just us, for my birthday too, so last Thursday night we went to Sparks Steakhouse.

Getting off the subway in Grand Central, I happened to see my friend Deeanna ahead of me. I thought about saying "Hi" but after thinking about what a coincidence it was, seeing her there, I realized that I'd been had... the surprise party was that night. So not to spoil the surprise for everyone else, I ignored her, and when she ducked into a bank, I ran ahead.

After texting with Josie, and seeing the four-person deep bar situation, I decided to wait for her outside the restaurant. Of course, who walks up but Deeanna. She claims that she's there for a reconciliatory dinner with a friend with whom she'd been fighting with recently. I don't let on that I know what's up, so after a few words, she just goes in to meet her "friend."

That Josie! She thought she could get me, but nope, like most criminal masterminds, some slight miscalculation always gives them away.

When Josie arrived, I let her know that I saw Deeanna. Her surprise was so real, that for a second, I believed that I was wrong... that Deeanna was there to meet a friend and I am just having dinner with Josie. But way....And then the host sat us... at a table for two.


I walked to the table, half-(maybe "all") expecting the host to lead us to a larger table with all my friends there. And then we got to our table. It was for two. Hmmm...I spose even Monk's wrong once in a while.

I was about to tell Josie what my silly mind had concocted, when she got up to go the bathroom. I had also noticed that she had a bit of a wild-eyed look about her. Okay, I get it... she's gonna come back, with friends in tow, and we're all gonna sit at a bigger table.

Then she came back. Solo.


"You wanna hear something funny?" I asked her.
"I actually thought...." I started, but the host came over.
"Excuse me, but we have a better table for you."

Though I kinda liked our table, I guessed that's why Josie had gotten up - she thought I should have a better table for my birthday dinner. He led us to the back room, where I saw Rich, Vic, Deeanna, Jill, Jill (not a typo...there were two Jill's), Rob, Jenn, Doug, Kari and Ed waiting for me to sing Happy Birthday.

Got me.

One thing I noticed... Deeanna's boyfriend wasn't there. Knowing they've had some rocky times, I couldn't help but wonder if she'd killed him.


Rock On,


p.s. Thanks Josie for putting it together and my buds for coming

Monday, November 19, 2007

The Day's Not Over Yet But....

So I decided to rededicate myself to writing my novel today.

So far, I've written -37 words. You read that right...

negative thirty-seven

I've erased stuff but haven't written anything new.


rock on,


Sunday, November 18, 2007

Really Stupid Small Talk

Josie and I went to my friend's kid's bar-mitsvah yesterday. After the service, (which I think may still be going on) they had a reception in a tent outside the temple.

I've never been good at small talk. I really don't care about how your kids know the bar-mitsvah boy nor how wonderful it is that everyone in your affluent suburban neighborhood get along so well.

And it's not cause I'm narcissitic either. I don't wanna discuss Regulatory Accounting or my life a stand-up comic. (Interestingly, since I started doing stand-up, I think I've actually gotten worse. Why? I think it's because I feel more pressure to be funny.)

During a moment to ourselves, Josie told me she's not good at small talk either (though she later admitted she lied, just to make me feel better about being a loser).

ANYWAY, we decided to practice on each other. This worked out as well as anyone who knows us would predict...

Me: Sooo, ummm, how do you know the bar-mitsvah boy?
Josie: We dated.
Me: Huh?
Josie: Briefly...he broke it off...I was devastated.
Me: C'mon! Be serious!
Josie: how do you know the bar-mitsvah boy?
Me: We're in the same math class.

Man, I can't wait for the next bar-mitsvah.

Rock On,


Saturday, November 17, 2007

Grey's Anatomy

I never saw Grey's Anatomy 'til this season (Josie's a big fan), so maybe I'm off here but as far as I can tell, one out of every four or so surgeries end up with the patient dying or in a coma.

I think it may have something to do with the doctors' predilection toward talking about their personal lives in the OR.

For those of you who say that silence during surgery would be boring, I say, tell that to the relatives of those who died.


Tell it to the relatives.

Rock On,


Friday, November 16, 2007

Potential Blog Names For Cast of The Karate Kid

Sweep Your Own Leg, I'm Blogging!

Wax On - My Thoughts, Hopes, and Fears

Get Me a Body Bag! My So-Called Blog

In All Okinaya, All Miyagi Know Two Things: Karate and Blog

Blog First! Blog Hard! No Mercy Sir!

Look Blog... Always Look Blog!

Rock On,


Thursday, November 15, 2007

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I was just watching this re-run of Everybody Loves Raymond. It was the one where Ray did something stupid...his wife got angry at him...his parents took his side...his brother was happy that Ray did something dumb...but at the 20-minute mark, Ray fixed things and all ended well.

Remember that one?

Rock On,


Interview much?

I was watching The Today Show this morning. They ask questions every day in a "Getting to Know the Hosts" segment (or something like that...I dont really give a crap why they do it).

The question to the Asian newswoman (I don't know her name, but I assume if you watch, you know her) was "Why did you get into news?"

Her response was, "Because knowledge is power, and I want to give people as much power as possible."

I'm not sure what would be worse...whether that was her off-the-cuff response, or if that was actually her rehearsed answer.

Either way, I'd like to think that America collectively rolled its eyes.

But I know better.

Rock On,


Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Gotham Comedy Club

Last night I did a ten minute set at Gotham... followed a guy who did five minutes about peeing on his girlfriend.

Sometimes, if a crowd really likes what the previous comic was talking about, I'll add anything I have on that topic to my set.

It's a good thing the crowd didn't like him...I have no "peeing on girlfriend" jokes.

Rock On,


Sunday, November 11, 2007

The Off-Broadway Experience

I'm not a fan of Broadway plays. For the most part, they are overpriced, overhyped and underwhelming. I didn't even think Phantom was all that.

I like Off-Broadway least I like the idea of Off-Broadway plays - strugging artists, working at their craft, not worrying about appealing to families from Kansas City, Missouri... but I rarely go? Why? I dunno...I just don't.

ANYWAY, Josie's friend's friend's boyfriend (I think that's right) is in a limited engagement play in a theater on St. Marks Place (It may be called The St. Marks Theater even, but I forget) so we went last night.

Technically, the theater is under St. Marks, as it's in a basement, which I thought was cool...part of the experience. The building itself looked pre-war...that's pre-Civil War.

Inside, the heat was on, and when I say "on," I mean "blasting." Though the play was decent, I found myself nodding off due to the warmth in the theater. I woke up each time when I shifted in my seat, which were those squeaky aluminum folding chairs. I tried to keep my squirming to a minimum as well due to the aforementioned squeaking.

Halfway through the play, the heat pipes started to loudly rattle. The actors didn't skip a beat, probably either having worked through it before or havng been warned of such a possibility. The audience just leaned in a bit closer to the stage to listen better (as if being three inches closer would help).

Afterwards, discussing the show, Josie said she got a panic attack when the pipes went on, fearing that the ceiling was about to cave in.


That's exactly the kind of visceral experience you just don't get at Broadway shows.

Rock On,


Saturday, November 10, 2007

I'm Directing My Anger Better...

Did a show last night for fifteen people. Nine of them went to a funeral the day before. A crowd like that could either wanna laugh to release the tension of the past few days, or not be in the mood to laugh. They weren't in the mood to laugh (they were at the show because one of the comics on the bill is related to the mourners).

If I'd done this show when I was new, I woulda went home and wanted to shoot myself. Nowadays, since I know that my material is funny, I wanted to shoot them.

Now, that's what I call progress!

Rock on,


Friday, November 9, 2007

From My "Draft" Folder...

I wrote these jokes just after my last girlfriend dumped me. I think they're winners...

Why did the girlfriend cross the road?

To dump her boyfriend

So this guy and his girlfriend walk into a bar...they order a beer and the girl dumps him

You wanna know the difference between men and women? Women's that for a difference?

Rock On,


Thursday, November 8, 2007

Another Tale from the Front

So my boss was explaining to Mike (guy who sits next to me) something about "comparing those numbers are like comparing apples to oranges."

I interjected, "Why do we use 'apples and oranges' as a simile for opposites? I mean, they're both round, both fruits, both grow on trees...shouldn't it be more like 'apples and carburators?'"

About an hour later, Temp Boy, out of nowhere turned to me and said, "One is hard and one is soft."


"Apples and oranges. You were saying how they are same, but I have difference for you."

I turned to Mike whose face was already red from laughing.

Why me?

Rock On,


I Also Require Ring Dings at Exactly 3PM

So yesterday I told Temp Boy (his new nickname) that the new guy must bring me coffee every morning.

After walking in this mornin', he asked me if I take sugar or milk in it.

Rock On,


Wednesday, November 7, 2007

I Haven't Talked to Him Since

We hired a temp to do some filing. Upon hearing that he was Russian, I asked him if he was rooting for Ivan Drago.

He looked at me like I had two heads, and then with a thick accent asked, "Drago?"


Rock On,


Tuesday, November 6, 2007

I Have to Stop Thinking

I live in the same building as the owner of one of NY's best comedy clubs. I've seen him a few times, always when one of us is getting into the elevator while the other is leaving. Naturally, I'm never prepared to meet him, so I end up saying something like "Hey XXXX, how's it goin'?" though I guess what am I supposed to say?

The other day was one of those times, and then I saw him at the club later when I was MC'ing a show. I had no reason to walk up to him during the show so I figured I'd just hang out and watch the comics and if I saw him after, I'd say, "Hey XXXX, we're gonna start seein' each other in our dreams!" and we'd share a hearty laugh.

As the show progressed I stopped watching the comics and started practicing what I was gonna say...

"Hey XXXX, we're gonna start seein' each other in our dreams!"

...over and over again.

Then I thought he might think that's a weird thing to say.

He may respond, "No offense Harris, but I don't think I'll be thinking of you in my dreams."

Then, I'll have to come back with, "No, of course not...I meant that I would dream of you in my sleep...not that I do...dream of you, or anything like that.... I mean, I do think of you sometimes at home...ummm, by 'think' I mean in a professional manner, you know, you as the owner of the club and, umm, yeah..."

I ended up walking past him, saying, "Hey XXXX, how's it goin'?"

Rock On,


Monday, November 5, 2007

You're Joking, Right?

Josie's in a book club. The book they're reading this month is US Weekly.

I'm not sure what's more bizarre - that they consider that a suitable selection, or that it takes them a month to read US Weekly.

What's next month? One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish?

I'm beginning to wonder if there are two Columbia University's.

Rock On,


Sunday, November 4, 2007

It Always Feels Like Somebody's Watching Me

Went to dinner last night at Josie's parents' house. Nothing fascinating to report, other than when her mom asked if I had tried the brussel sprouts, her dad said, "Yes, in fact he took seconds!"


Rock On,


P.S. Remember when I first met them for dinner?

If you don't...

Well, I thought I got out of the whole "saying grace" thingy but then The Niece says she wants to say grace after we were finished eating.


I went with "I'm thankful I'm not sweating."

Rock On (again),


Friday, November 2, 2007

Word to the Wise

Comics who've been on "Live at Gotham" get rather touchy when asked whether they edit in additional laughter.

Trust me.

Rock On,