A Harris Bloom Thanksgiving

When we went around the table to say what we're thankful for, my mom asked, "Can I say what I'm sad about?"

Good grief Harris Bloom.

Harris

'Nuf said

Someone asked me how my mother's day was.

I responded, "The food was good."

harris

Run In The Other Direction

Whenever my mom begins a sentence with, "I'm just curious," I know two things...

1 - She's about to rant about something and
2 - She's not just curious.

Case in point -

A couple of weeks ago we were having lunch together when she asked, "I'm just curious*, did you or Josie buy my birthday card?"
btw - her birthday was months ago - this (whatever "this" will be) had apparently been eating at her for awhile.
"Um, I don't remember...why?" I did remember. We were late so we just used one that we had lying around.
"No, I'm just asking...'cause it wasn't the normal kind of card you get for me."
"Well, I don't remember."
"Here, let me show you." She pulled it out of her bag. She'd been carrying it around for three months. "Usually, you get me cards with sayings, this one doesn't even say "Mom" on it."
"Okay, well, I don't really remember where I got it."
"Next year, you buy a card."
"Okay."
(silence)
"So, how's your turkey?"

Rock On,

Aitch

* cue my Spidey senses.

Mom

Josie and I went to Jersey to visit her folks.

Hearing that, my mom asked me, several times in fact, to make sure I got the pictures of me that she had loaned to them for the wedding.

Her folks gave them back to us, and made sure to tell us that they are all there. They know because mom had written the number of pictures given on the envelope.

Rock On,

Aitch

Conversation Two Minutes Ago

After Josie and I recounted conversations we had with our respective moms...

Josie - What do you think would happen if our moms were stranded on a deserted island?
Me - We'd live in bliss?

Rock On,

Aitch

We'd Rather Have No Gift, Thanks

So Josie called my mom to invite her to Josie's wedding shower. Mom asked what she'd like for a gift.
Josie said, "I dunno, whatever."
Mom responded, "How about lingerie?"

Now, I'm not exactly sure how Josie answered, but if I were her, the answer woulda sounded something like, "Oh, for the love of God, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Rock On,

Aitch

We Can Only Hope

As mentioned, we sent out our invites with three response envelopes missing postage.

I told my mom.

She said, "Oh boy...hope they weren't sent to anyone on our side."

Rock On,

Aitch

Whose Mom Is It Anyway?

I hope it's not mine.

Rock On,

Aitch

Think About It

Mom's one of those people who thinks that today's generation doesn't know what real entertainment is...this is coming from someone who grew up listening to ventriloquism on the radio.

rock on,

aitch

Another Call From Mom

Mom called yesterday from the doctor's office where she works.

"Aren't you getting married at Loft 11?"
"Yup."
"Hold on a sec...one of the drug reps here got married there!"
"What? No! Wait!"
"Hello?"
"Umm, hi."
"So, I hear you're getting married at Loft 11."
"Yup...you got married there?"
"Yes...it's a very nice space."
"Yeah, it is."

"So, uhh, how long ago were you married there?"
"A couple of years."
"Uh huh, uh huh."

"Ok, I'm going to put your mom on the line. Good luck!"
"Thanks! You too!"

Rock On,

Aitch

Disappointing (Ed. Note - Please forget how I originally spelled this)

So my mom met Josie's parents yesterday. Had dinner in the city. I thought about asking them permission to tape the conversation since I didn't think I'd be able to remember everything.

Turned out to be fairly boring - though, I'm pretty sure the waitress wanted to hit my mom.

Best exchanges occurred when mom was talking about all the things she has in her purse...

Mom - I have an umbrella, a raincoat, with a hood, a hat, a bag to put the hat I'm wearing in so it doesn't get wet. I have a Viagra pen...
Josie - Harris's mom works in a Parkinson's doctor's office...so she gets stuff like that.
Josie's Mom - They use Viagra to treat Parkinson's?
Mom - No, that's for men to help them, get their uh-huh's, you know.
Harris - Check , please!

Rock On,

Aitch

Thanks Mom

My grandfather had Factor 11 – which I know sounds like a secret government base in the southwestern desert used for interrogating aliens – but it’s a form of hemophilia.

Although I didn’t have it, whenever I went to a doc with my mom, she’d always feel the need to tell him it’s in our family, and finish it with, “…you do know what that is, right?” The doctor would always look at her with a "Do I look like I finished at the bottom of my class, lady?" look on his face.

To this day, she still brings it up any chance she gets, making sure I remember that it runs in our family.

The other day, while working on my teeth, my dentist noted that it's taking a while because I was bleeding a bit. I had to fight myself not to start screaming, "Oh my God!! It's the Factor 11!!! Run for your lives!!!!"

Rock On,

Aitch

I Just Sat There

Hanging out at my bro's this weekend with the fam, when Josie mentions that she wants me to go kayaking with her in the Hudson.

Mom butts in, "Kayaking?!? Harris? He doesn't need to go kayaking! He can't even swim!"
"They give you life jackets,"Josie explains, "He'll be fine."
"Well, I don't think he should go." After thinking for a second Mom adds, "But it's up to you...see what kind of mother-in-law I am? I just gave you control of him."

Huh?

Rock On,

Aitch

Ugh

On Sunday, my mom told Josie and I that people who've seen our picture think we look like brother and sister.

We may never have sex again.

Rock On,

Aitch

Mom Knows Best

So Josie and I sent out "Save the Date" cards last week. I'll post one manana if I remember.

On Saturday, when we met my mom she said, "I got your postcard. It was really nice! One thing though...I think a lot of people will throw it out cause it looks like junk mail."

We laughed at "mom being mom" though Josie did worry a bit.

I forgot about it.

This morning, my boss told me that he got my card, and threw in, "MY wife almost threw it out...she thought it was junk mail!"

Ack

Rock On,

Aitch

Thanks Again, Mom

I made the mistake the other day of telling my mom one of my new jokes.

After a few seconds of silence, she says, “So which part was supposed to be funny?”
"The last part.”
“And the audiences laugh at that?”
“Usually.”

Rock On,

Aitch

Is That A Comment On Her Fashion Sense?

Forgot about this...

When I called mom to tell her I was engaged, she said, (after congratulations!), "...I really like Josie...she's smart, funny, and she doesn't seem to spend a lot."

Rock On,

Aitch

Mom (and I) Strikes Again

So, a friend of mine (half of the team that Josie and I destroyed at Cranium yesterday) has a single female friend she wanted to meet a single male friend of mine, but she didn't wanna set them up... she just wanted to get them together in a group so it would be less awkward.

Fine...we arranged for them to both attend one of my shows. Mom happened to go to that show too. I prolly shouldn't have told her what was going on, as after greeting everyone, she asked the woman, "Isn't XXX (my friend) handsome?"

Rock On,

Aitch

Mom Does It Again

Last night, my mom called, wanting to speak to Josie about dinner plans for Saturday. Josie mentioned how I do some cooking. Mom sez....

"Really? That's great...It'll come in handy if he's alone again."

Rock On,

Aitch

Lunch, Soon To Be Dinner, With Mom

Josie and I met my mom for lunch - wait - Josie has an ongoing problem with me still calling everything "my," like my apartment, my dog, etc. She has a valid point. So...

Josie and I met our mom for lunch Saturday (better?). For newer readers, any conversation with mom is usually good for a blog entry , and in twenty years, an ulcer.

While looking over some California pics, mom asked who someone was.
Josie answered, "Oh, that's my friend Elizabeth, from grad school."
"That's a girl!?!?"

Mom also mentioned that we took a lot of pictures of the prison. She stated that when looking at a few pictures like this one...



Umm, mom...that was our hotel.


Then, we got into a discussion somehow about who's the smartest person Josie knows (privately, she says someone else, so I keep asking). When Josie said that I am, mom said, "You know, I've heard that before."
After looking at each other, Josie turned back to my mom and asked, "From who?"
Smiling like Andy Dufresne on that rooftop, mom replied, "I'd rather not say." Like it's been declared classified information by the CIA.

For the nineteenth consecutive year, mom was bemoaning the fact that she's too tired to do Passover dinner at her place. And for the nineteenth consecutive year, I gave her my usual response.
"Don't sweat it. No biggie." But this was the first time Josie was sitting to my left.
"We'll do it at our place!"
"You will?"
"We will?
"Sure."

Aside from the fact that Josie is Christian and has never cooked Passover dinner, I'm still not sure Josie knows what she got herself, ummm, us, into.

Mom just called asking for her phone number.
"Why?"
"I just want to talk to her about the dinner."

This should be interesting.

Rock On,

Aitch