Tuesday, October 25, 2005

The Dude Sitting Next To Me Just Passed Out

So i'm doing my usual Tuesday AM thing here (i.e. finishing up football pool work, surfing the net, and writing and receiving e-mails) when I look to my left and see the Serial Killer who sits next to me is leaning back in his chair and looked white as a Patrick Swayze's character after he got shot in that movie; the one where Whoopi Goldberg got an Academy Award.

Anyway, I called out to him. "Ken?"
No response. I get up.
Not knowing what to do, with my arms flailing, I run into my bosses office.
"Vinny...come out here...something's wrong with Ken!"
By the time I get back, Steve ((dude in middle of divorce) is poking at him, while calling his name. (I'm surprised he wasn't telling him how his ex is brainwashing his daughter against him). After calling his name and receiving no response, Vinnie runs away (presumably to head of HR).
I start calling 911...of course I dial "911" first - busy - because I didn't dial "1" first - so I dial "1911" - busy signal - I panic.
"What the eff?!?" I exclaimed as I realized that I was sweating (what else is new?)
Ken comes to at this point as I continue to dial "1911" to no avail.
I asked if he wanted an ambulance. I was hoping he wouldn't want one since I couldn't get through.
Vinny comes back, explaining that the head of HR called an ambulance.
I asked what do we have to dial to get "911?"
As if I were an idiot, he said, "91911."
I am an idiot.

When we were waiting for the ambulance to arrive, he got better (he explained he gets these episodes due to vertigo), and I said, "You know, there's no reason that you cant do some work while you're waiting."
The head of HR said with disapproval, "That's not funny."

When the EMT's took him off, they asked if there's anything else to bring. I said, "He should bring his laptop so that he can do some work in the ambulance."
They all laughed.

One minute. I'm an uncaring idiot...the next, I'm a comedian.

Anyway, his vitals are fine and he's off to the hospital. So far, I've been explaining to people that I'm a hero, since I discovered his state first. So far, my cover hasn't been blown.

Rock On,


Thursday, October 13, 2005


I dunno how, but I forgot to mention this 60+ year old woman, Sandy Kane, who was one of the open mic'ers at Stand Up NY this past Tuesday.

She has her own public access show on cable

Her outfit -

Fishnet socks, up to her knees
TIGHT shocking pink jogging pants
TIGHT low cut knit sweater.
Makeup that suggests she learned makeup application At The Tammy Faye Baker Makeup Institute

If you want to see pics of her, go to sandykane.com

Her voice -

Think The Nanny combined with the nanny's mother

Her act -

Bluer than blue - in fact, she kept repeating her favorite phrase, "It's not who you know, it's who you blow."

She stopped in the middle of her set to have someone in the front row take her pic (yes, she completely stopped to pose)

Anyway, she took down several of the comic's phone numbers to perhaps have us/them appear on what I thought was her show - I signed up for a goof.

Well, she just called me - kept me on the phone for 20 minutes - I don't think it's for her show, but for another - an interview type cable access show (she did say I should bring a clip of my act with me - I should bring one of me forgetting my lines)

I tuned out at one point (I think she was babbling how she used to date Jackie Mason, whose daughter looks just like him...whatever), but I when I regained consciousness, she was telling me that she thought I was wonderful and that she hopes to be my agent.

I could only think of one thing....forget a book chapter - this is a movie...and it's writing itself.

Rock On,


Tuesday, October 4, 2005

Open Mic at The COmic Strip/Apollo

So I had what I thought was a "bringer" show on Friday eve at Comic Strip Live. I get there and the guy charges me 10 bucks (4 to perform and 6 as a drink voucher). I pay but I'm suspicious; usually at bringer shows, the comic doesn't have to pay, unlike open mics.

I walk into the room and see about 10-11 comics...all black or hispanic.
(Eventually a couple of older white comics walked in.) I immediately dumped my "wine tasting" bit from my routine...but I didn't dump enough.

I thought about bailing (I really didn't think this audience was gonna be into my "sucks working in an office" material) so I waited outside for Kim, my bud that was meeting me there. We decided that at the very least, it'll make a good story. During the show, Deeanna and her friend Mary showed as well. I apologized in advance (in fact, I offered Mary her money back after).

This 50 something year old Jewish woman sat right in front of the stage. He went on around 3rd. She brought her purse onstage so that no one would steal it. I don't remember any of her routine, just that she had lipstick all over her teeth. She spent the rest of the show eating an apple that she brought while watching the comics with what can best be described as an angry confused frown (I actually cracked up watching her more than the other comics).

Other "highlights" included...

A guy who sat there doubled over with his head in his hands during my entire act....and he was a comic. Naturally I sat stone-faced during his set.

Another older guy doing jokes about his "honeydew list" - as in "honey do this and honey, do that." Kim thought he was gonna tell us that he's on the Seafood diet. After he finished his set, the MC, this annoying short woman scolded him from the stage for leaving the mic stand in the back of the stage.

A Dominican dude who barely spoke English (I felt like I was in my Gotham Writing class). One of his jokes went like, "Who here pay rent. I no like.
It period...bloating, crampy." He came up to me after the show to tell me that I did well...or at least that's what Deeanna told me that he said. I had no idea.

As I thought, this dude who asked the crowd, "Who here lives in the projects?" got more response than I did when I asked, "Who works in an office?" Oh well...My set did "eh"...some laughs, but not nearly as much as I deserve (HA!).

Rock On,