Friday, February 29, 2008
At one point, Giovanni Ribisi mouthed "Jesus Christ!" except that's not what I heard.
It came out as "Cheese and Rice!"
Josie claims her brother once saw "Fucking Asshole" dubbed as "Viking Eggroll," but until I see/hear that with my own eyes, congrats Boiler Room and Channel 11!!
That was the Best...Dubbing...Ever!!!
Two guys talking about a fight this weekend.
First Guy - Who do you like in the Silva / Henderson match?
Second Guy - I like Henderson.
First Guy - Really?
Second Guy - Yeah, I know, most like Silva... but I'd give Henderson like a 70% chance of winning, and Silva like 50%.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
For those of you new to my web log, here it is, prolly my best, at least my "most literary," piece of writing....
Confessions of a Serial Dater
ANYWAY, I went last.
Last night, I tried again. This time, I was first.
Cool, I thought, finally, my luck is changing! This is the start of a brand new, ummm, beginning for me! Yes! I can't wait to see what treasures tomorrow brings!
This morning, as I was finishing my coffee, I noticed milk chunks at the bottom of the cup.
If I don't post any more today, someone call an ambulance.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
"Are you okay, sir?" The apparent leader asked.
"Ummm, yeah, why?"
"One of the other passengers said they saw you talking to yourself."
"Ooooh, "I laughed, "I'm a comic. I was just working on a new bit."
Unimpressed, the leader asked in a way-too-serious manner, "Where do you perform, sir?"
"All over, Gotham, New York Comedy Club."
"Where is Gotham?" He asked in his deadpan way. One of the other cops was smirking, realizing (I think) that this was pretty funny, the other was staring at me like I killed the clerk at a convenience store.
"It's on, ummm, 23rd and 7th."
He stared at me for another second before saying, "Okay, have a good day, sir." With a nod of his head, he and his cohorts were gone.
I thought about volunteering a joke to prove my innocence, but then I worried what would happen if they didn't think I was funny... not only would I be sent to Bellevue, but my confidence as a comic would be shot.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
At one point, during the monster's attack on Manhattan, they showed a horse-drawn carriage wandering through the streets of New York without anyone at the reins. Forget about the people dying, that was the saddest image of the movie for me.
Until they showed the monster wrecking havoc and being attcked by fighter planes and soldiers... I couldn't help but think how scared it musta been.
That's the result when King Kong is one of the first movies you ever see.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
I bring this up only cause I keep seeing commercials for the episode on next week, where the voiceover insists on asking, "Will she save her marriage or take the cash?"
Hey! Voiceover! At that point, it's already too late! If she lies, we're gonna know anyway!
As Nathan Thurm used to ask, "Is it me? It's them, right? It's not me. It's them. Right? "
Without looking, I just e-mailed back, "Sure."
She wrote how happy she was cause she wasn't sure I would go for that kinda place.
Naturally, I immediately went through my "deleted"file, and clicked on said location. If you clicked on it, you'd see that they don't have rooms...they have yurts.
Yurts are "circular fabric structures." Man, I haven't slept in a fabric structure since, well, actaully, like two weeks ago.
Anyway, they advertise the yurt (I love that word already) as "comfort food for the soul." I'm assuming it's run by ex-hippies.
I think my favorite part is that "shower and restroom facilities are only a short stroll away." (who "strolls" to the shower?)
The good news is that if you forget to bring a flashlight, they will supply you with one.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
As a special treat to you, my loyal (?) readers, here is an excerpt...
“Ohhh, okay, I’m sorry Mr.…”
“No need to apologize…”
“…it to be that size.”
“I know, but I just need a normal sized one.”
ANYWAY, as you can prolly guess, if I haven't mentioned it already (and I have, so pay better attention), but as a comic, everyone has a great joke for me to work into my act. My favorite "helper" was Temp Boy. Before he left (okay, we kicked him out), he was kind enough to print out a few for the road, and here they are...Ladies and Gentlemen...without further ado, I give you.... Temp Boy:
Q - How do you make an accountant happy?
A - Make him to do batches all day.
Q - How many accountant does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A - Three, one to balance a shaky chair, a second to stand on the chair and screw the light bulb, and the third to walk around the room like a shark, pondering, and contemplating original bulb jokes.
Joke #3 -
Two busy accountants are sitting in a secluded cubicle running a tape in full speed. There is a tall wall, which prevents them to view what is outside. Suddenly, one accountant stops, thinks for a while, and asks the second one in a perplexed and confused manner, "I am wondering what is beyond that wall?" The second accountant says hastily, "Shhhhh!!!...is that a safe question to ask?"
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
ANYWAY, this morning, I was watching the idiots on The Today Show laughing at nothing (as usual), when they did a segment on a prank concocted by some members of The Philadelphia Phillies upon a teammate. Fine...
They interviewed head-prankster and fun-loving guy, pitcher Brett Myers . The problem is, he is a douchebag. A Class A douchebag at that.
If you check out the wikipedia page I linked to, or do a search, you'll see that he was arrested last year for punching his wife in public. He wasn't suspended or anything, but took a short leave to deal with it. Of course, she declined to press charges but they are in counselling.
BTW - This story is reason 639,791 that I'm no longer into sports. It's impossible to root for any of these guys.
And, oh yeah, he was an amateur boxer. Beautiful.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
I thought, how lucky are we, to live in a time when we can have cheese balls delivered to our door?
When the delivery dude came with our Fresh Direct order, they forgot the cheese balls. So Josie called. After sitting on hold for ten minutes, and then being told that she can't have them tonight, but tomorrow is good, and then, yes, she can have them delivered tonight, she hung up, aggravated, but happy that indeed, we were going to feast on the aforementioned cheese balls.
The cheese balls were to be delivered at 10:00 PM (yes, a little late to be eating cheese balls, but as so many people write on their Match.com profile, I too like to live my life to its fullest).
ANYWAY, 10:00 came and passed - no sign of cheese balls.
10:15 - not a cheese ball to be seen...10:30 - same thing.
At 10:40, Josie called. After sitting on hold she got some guy on the line, who either just failed the bar again, or is a total douchebag. When Josie said that she assumed the cheese balls would come when the guy said they would, he made some comment that she shouldn't assume anything, and that it wasn't scheduled to come until today (Friday) between 5 and 7, which re-set Josie off (she can give details in comments as I'm prolly not giving this justice).
"So, the previous guy lied to me?!?" It was some dude who called himself Gram.
Extremely annoyed, Josie ended up cancelling the order. This morning, she checked her account, and noticed that she's scheduled to receive cheese balls today between 5 and 7. Idiots.
She vowed never to use them again. After all, who the hell needs cheese balls delivered to your door?!?
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
1 - Who do you consider to be the sexiest major leaguer?
2 - Who has the ugliest wife in the league?
3 - Have you ever peed in the shower just before the rest of the players got in?
4 - Have you ever attended a cockfight?
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
I'm picturing Microsoft sending Yahoo the same letter they originally sent, which read something like...
We really like your company... get it? company?!? We mean that two ways...you know, your company, as in corporation, and hanging out with you, you know, your companionship...ANYWAY, we'd really like to hang out with you more, in fact, we'd like to swallow you whole. Ewww...was that gross? Ah, whatevs... Point being - We hate Google more than the President hates black people - Oh no, we di'n't!! Oh yes, we di'id!! (And to think, people call us stodgy.) Where were we? Oh, right, us buying you... how's $45B and all Bob's you want.
...but this time written and signed in blood.
Monday, February 11, 2008
"If she goes," he started, "I hope she's at home."
"I hear ya," I agreed, in the most sympathetic voice I could muster.
And then he added, "The clean-up will be easier."
"I spose that's true," I agreed again, this time in a tone far less sympathetic.
"When are you getting up so we can go?"
(After I went up) "Can we go?"
"Douchebag says what?"
"Tyson impressions? Real Topical."
"He's the headliner?"
"You owe me a beer."
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Just saw Dangerous Minds (again). Reading the credits, one of the security guards was played by "Freez-Luv." I think I know what I'm gonna name my first born.
I have a show tonight at the New York Comedy Club. In preperation, I should prolly get a tetanus shot.
Friday, February 8, 2008
With that in mind, I will be live blogging my day here at work (updates will be done to thsi entry as I really dont see a need to make 15 entries today)....
9:03 - I walk in. Mike, the dude who sits next to me, smiles at me. For some reason, I wanna punch him.
9:39 - There's an argument in front me. Something about someone interrupting while someone else is sharing a boring story. I'm beginning to think that life is too long.
10:19 - Is it 5 PM yet?
11:37 - Someone just asked me how my audition went. I throw a stapler at her.
11:38 - I apologize for throwing a stapler.
12:01 - Apparently Temp Girl has something in her throat. She has had it there for three days. What's the waiting period to buy a hand gun? I shoulda looked into this three days ago.
12:41 - Dunno if I've mentioned this (and I'm too lazy to look back) but due to a lack of ventilation, the men's restroom in our building literally stinks. In fact, as you can see from the pic below, it smells so bad, the fabric is peeling off the walls:
1:26 - Cleaning my desk I ound another joke that Temp Boy wrote for me before he was dismissed -
Q - When does an accountant become angry?
A - When his accounts are out of balance by 3 cents.
Dammit, I miss Temp Boy
1:53 - Someone in the office has miniature Fast Break candy bars. I took one. It reads "Milk Chocolate * Peanut Butter * Soft Nougats"
Should "nougats" be plural? Is it normally spelled that way? Or are there different kinds of nougats, and this bar's got 'em all?
2:52 - I work for an Italian company. Most of the employees are here from Italy. Due to that, I get into arguments like the one I was just involved in - "Who's better, Kobe Bryant or Manu Ginobili?" (I realize that Ginobili is Argentinian, but still...)
3:14 - Just googled myself. Nutin' changed since this AM.
3:33 - I wish I were anywhere else.
3:56 - This is the time of day I usually wonder, "What to do for dinner?" Josie's got some clients tonight, so I'm on my own. Well, me and Stewie are on our own. I'm thinking burgers on the George Foreman Grill. Pretty sure Stewie won't object. Okay, back to e-mailing.
4:42- All I can think of is how my second grade teacher, Miss Winsch, told me I could be anything I wanna be...and I chose a Regulatory Accountant. Wish I stuck with "Astronaut" or, at least, "Anything Else."
This concludes my Live Blogging From Work. If viewed as a success, you can look forward to future Live Blogs such as "Live Blogging From the Gym" and "Live Blogging From My Living Room."
1 - From what I've heard, even people who got the callback didn't get to audition for the judges. Supposedly, it got kinda crazy later in the afternoon, and there just wasn't time since they had to see the booked people.
2 - Number one, combined with the assembly line bs for us, and I've decided not to watch this season. And I ask that the many, many members of Bloom Nation (?) follow suit.
3 - My ego may be larger than I thought. When comedy buds of mine who got booked auditions walked past in the AM, I tended to shy away, not really wanting to be seen on the line. That would be reason enough for me to try harder to get a booked audition next year.
4 - Josh Homer is a funny guy. If you get the chance to seem him, do so.
5 - I think the joke the scout liked best of mine was #1 Super Bowl thought from here, so thanks Jill Twiss for giving me the confidence to throw it out there!
6 - Speaking of Jill, it looks like some of the booked acts didn't really get respect either.
And now, for some pics....
Dunno if you can see, but this is a pic of the contract. In it, I signed that I would alert the producers if I felt discriminated against based on religion, sex, etc. For the age part, it says "40 and over." Only in comedy are males discriminated against for being 40 (of course every profession discriminates against women over 40).
As you can see, they took a Polaroid of us so they could better remember who's who after we left. My picture looks like I was there as part of some Make-A-Wish Foundation event.
So that's it for Last Comic Standing. I will have another post up a little later this AM (or early afternoon), so come back now, ya hear!
Thursday, February 7, 2008
For some reason, I feel a bizarre sense of accomplishment, even though it's nothing that homeless people don't do every night (I wonder if they feel a sense of accomplishment every morning).
A few other notes -
favorite quote from this AM - I asked this dude how long he's been doing comedy. He said, "About five years, I've only done two shows, but I've written a lot."
Also, I woke up with the shakes this AM, to the point where Josh asked me if I was okay. Turns out, Josie is right...I am a delicate flower.
I will have FINAL thought tomorrow, but now, I have to call my mom to tell her that I spent last night on 23rd Street and 7th Avenue, as there was no way I was gonna tell her in advance.
Harris here, back at the homestead. So here's how it went down -
Comics with agents/managers/connections got booked auditions. They didn't have to wait in line...they had appointments. When they got to Gotham for their appointment, they performed in "The Main Room" for two minutes and heard whether they were good enuf to be seen by The Judges later in the afternoon.
The others, the ones who waited in line, were escorted four at a time to the downstairs room, where one of the talent scouts typed on his computer as we stood in front of him. He would point at one of us, and we'd have to tell a joke, all the while he'd type away. Your jokes couldn't be too long, or he'd point at someone else. We did this rapid fire joke-telling for about five/six rounds. And, oh yeah, there was another scout with four comics doing the same thing a few feet away.
By the way, tent-mate and overall bon vivant Josh Homer was also in my four, which sucks, as he's hilarious. I woulda preferred to be with three delusional misfits (the line was chock full of them).
ANYWAY, we were told that we may get a call in a couple of hours to do our two minutes in front of the judges later today.
Will I get the call? Prolly not from an odds standpoint, but who knows...At any rate, don't call me for a few hours or I might have a heart attack.
Time to take a nap anyway (though I shocked myself by sleeping at all, I didn't sleep for more than three hours)
so, basically, please don't call him today unless it's REALLY important.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
also, he says his buddies were a little surprised to learn that he sleeps naked.
"do you think i could say vagina?"
"what are you protesting?"
"this is my ninth time trying out."
"but it's only been on for 6 seasons."
"some seasons i went to two cities."
"would another comic like to try a 37 minute bit on me?"
harris' thought of the next moment: "i can't believe i'm camping on 23rd street."
also, harris feels that he might be 'too friendly looking', because at least 10 people have stopped to ask him what the line is for.
after hearing (read: paying attention to online rumors) that people were already in line, he panicked and traveled down to gotham
a full 3 hours earlier than originally planned.
it may've been a good decision as #1 and #2 arrived last night at 6 pm. yes, you read that correctly.
harris reports that he has been there for a full 5 minutes, and has already eaten all his food, drank all of his water, and rehearsed his 2 minute act approximately 13 times. now he's bored and needs to pee.
he's number 60 in line.
On the bright side, temperatures are gonna be in the 40's overnight. On the down side, thunderstorms are also in the forecast.
I may be doing some live-blogging. No, I ain't carrying my computer there. I will give my girlfriend access to this site, and relay my boredom, annoyance and anger, but we'll see.
Doing the math, I will be standing outside for at least 15 hours, for what will be, at most, a two-minute audition.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
ANYWAY, Saturday, Josie's mennonite cousin got married somewhere in rural Pennsylvania so I got to meet the entire clan. We got up at seven to take the train in Seacaucus at eight for a three hour car-ride to the wedding. Oh boy.
So, the wedding.
First of all, when we got there the bride and groom were taking pictures on a tractor. The tractor that they drove in on, and will go home in (on?).
While the bride wore a simple white gown, the groom, and male members of the wedding party were dressed in black. Black shirt, black jeans, and yes, black cowboy hats. For color, they wore red ties. Nice touch, I must admit. I asked Josie's mom if that was a mennonite tradition, she replied, "No, they're just cowboys."
They looked like Doc Holliday and his gang looking for Wyatt Earp. By the way, the groom and best man never took their hats off.
The ceremony included four hymns, performed live with a band (including a drummer!). Oddly enough, the reception did not have a band. Religious music was piped in. Obviously, there was no dancing. There was also no alcohol. I felt like I stumbled onto a remake of Footloose.
The food was set up in the front of the room, buffet-style. I can tell you exactly what they had: String beans, potatoes (au-gratin?), and ham loaf. Yes, ham loaf.
When i ate it, I thought it was meat loaf. To be honest, I thought it was really good. It was only later when I found out it was ground up ham. I wish I knew before, I would've studied it more...than again, maybe I was better off not knowing.
If you're wondering if there were any choices, the answer is yes - They had two styofoam dishes, one with ketchup, and one with bbq sauce....for the ham loaf.
Finally, at most weddings, people clink glasses to make the bethrothed kiss, right? Not here...they had a tip jar. In fact, when one table started clinking their silverware (the glasses were plastic), the bride picked up the tip jar and shook it.
After we left, Josie told me that they want to visit us in New York.
"That should be funny."
"Why? Cause they've never been to New York?"
"Well, that, and can you imagine trying to find a parking spot for a tractor?"
Monday, February 4, 2008
Thought #1 - I love that the Giants trainer's been with them since 1948. I pictured him running on the field to attend to an injured player, seeing he has torn his ACL, and recommending leeches. And if that doesn't work, an exorcism.
Thought #2 - After the game, a reporter was interviewing Sam Madison, who was holding a copy of tomorrow's (now today's) Bergen Record. It said, "GIANTS WIN!" The reporter asked Sam if he could relay what the headline read.
Sam said, "I don't know about that, but all I know is that we won!"
Not really a "thought" (so I did just have two), but Sara Ramirez from Grey's Anatomy was at the Super Bowl party I attended. I shoulda written to gawker about a celeb sighting.
"I spotted Sara Ramirez on my bud Ed's sofa. She was eating a cupcake...just like one of us!!!"
Come to think of it, I wonder if she knows more about modern medicine than the Giants trainer?
Friday, February 1, 2008
Not only do I despise both teams...the Giants, cause of The Family Manning's draft day bs, the Pats cause they have the most annoying fanbase besides Yankee fans, but because everyone at the party are either Giant fans (understandable given that I live in NY) or Pats fans (the host is a transplanted Bostonian).
Even the trash-talkin' e-mails have been annoying and puerile, which I'm not even gonna bother to post here.
Worst of all, my numbers are 8 and 1.
I can't wait for Monday.