Sneaker(s) For Sale

I just got an e-mail, promoting a $329 flight to Ireland. Cool, I thought. Then I noticed the star next to the price. Looking below, I saw another star. Next to it, the ad said, "One-way, based on a round-trip purchase."

Talk about deceptive advertising.

Not only are they fooling people who wanna take a trip to Ireland, but I'm certain the fare is higher if you are in need of just a one-way ticket (I assume some people move there, no?).

That's like if Nike advertised their Air Jordan's, and displayed the price for one sneaker.

Rock On,

Aitch

Oh No, He Di'int!

The other day I gave my seat on the subway to an older woman. A minute later, some ten or so year old kid asked me if I wanted to sit in his seat!

I must look pregnant cause there's no way he asked cause I look old!

Rock On,

Aitch

I Have To Practice Not Caring

Did twenty minutes at a Ramada in Jersey on Saturday night - I rarely get to do twenty minutes so I was both excited and kinda nervous. Trying to ease my nerves, I wrote my set list on a bottle of water I was going to bring on stage. Of course, I wrote it too small, rendering it useless unless I was going to do a bit about the ingredients of water. Once the show started, I got more nervous...

The crowd was kinda sparse, about twenty in all, and when the MC inquired during his opening, not a single Jew present..not a huge deal but I do find some of my Jewish jokes go over better with Jews. Not only that, but they were pretty evenly split among young and old, about ten under thirty and ten above forty-five, making it tough to appeal to the whole crowd with every joke.

Speaking of the MC, he didn't do any crowd work, normally done to warm up the crowd, he just went straight into his parody songs...mainly to silence. Thankfully, the second comic up, Jerry Shack, made up for it, mixing in crowd work with a really great set of his own. I was heartened by the audience's response, though still nervous, especially when the MC did another fifteen minutes of songs between Jerry and myself.

When I finally got up there, after having trouble getting the mic out of the stand, I launched into my material... and proceeded to have one of the best sets I've ever had.

It was bizarre, they ate up jokes that I've cut from my shorter sets due to unresponsive crowds... I got huge laughs doing crowd work...after my set, several of the audience members congratulated me bar the bar.

The question I've been asking myself is - Why did this happen?

I can't say they were a particularly "hot" crowd (the headliner didn't do that great). I was pretty nervous going on stage. I didn't have any new killer material. So, why?

The answer is...I'm not sure - maybe the stars were aligned just right, giving me the perfect twenty people for my comedic stylings...or, maybe it was cause having twenty minutes, once I started getting laughs, I relaxed up there, really taking my time. I stopped several times to drink and water, and didn't even think of the silence... I didn't care, cause I knew they'd be laughing in fifteen seconds anyway. Maybe that's it. Not caring.

Rock On,

Aitch

Apparently, She Does Have All Night

A real estate agent sent Josie an email at 4:47 AM. She closed it with, "I await your reply."

Rock On,

Aitch

Gone Fishin' (For An Apartment)

Leavin' for the day to go apartment huntin', necessitated by our d-bag landlord (note to renters: Don't move into 75 West End Ave. - the management company blows)

If yer bored and want something light (read: perfect for bathroom) to read, click here to check out my series on this memoir writing class I took.

Seeya layta

Rock On,

Aitch

Rest In Peace

I am reading David Foster Wallace's Consider The Lobster, a collection of short stories. I thought I should walk before I run (Infinite Jest).

Okay, I'm skimming it, as half the time, I have no idea what I'm reading.

Forget running.

Rock On,

Aitch

Judging A Book

I was getting ready to board the subway this AM, waiting for people to disembark, when I felt someone behind me, pushing me to get on. I glanced back to see this huge black dude.

We got on, the train wasn't crowded, and I headed to a corner. This guy stood right next to me, his bag rubbing against me. I started to push back a little, and he backed off a little. A few minutes later he leaned into me again, though I couldn't tell if it was him pushing or just swaying with the train's motion around bends. But then it happened again. And Again. This went on for a few stops, until a woman got up and he swarmed to her seat.

A couple stops later, this older white woman got on. He immediately tapped her on the shoulder and asked if she wanted his seat. And I felt bad. For him.

Rock On,

Aitch

Nice Try

Josie and I are looking for an apartment. I'm amazed at how many apartments are advertised as being priced "below market."

Ummm, sorry to tell ya, but if you couldn't sell it at your old price, and had to lower it, then that is the market.

(and if you still can't sell it, then you may be above market).

Rock On,

Aitch

Insert Joke About Zamunda

So, to prepare for my audition last night, I went to an early open mic.

Waiting for the club to open, I overheard a few comics having a discussion - the topic seemed to be "Who's more annoying, Jews or Asians?"

If I wasn't focused on my audition I woulda addressed it from the stage. It woulda been fun for me to get into it, but, given the impending audition, I wanted to concentrate on my set and not deal with negative vibes.

I did my set, which, I must point out, includes references to me being Jewish.

The comics after me, some clown who went by the name of "Prince Akeem" did four minutes of material and then started tackling Wall Street's trouble and the $700B bail out package. The punchline for this joke, while staring at me mind you, was "Now, can we blame the Jews?!" To make sure we all heard him, he repeated it several times, each time louder, until he was screaming.

I contemplated answering him but again, I really didn't wanna get worked up on some d-bag.

I am considering going back to that mic next week, hoping he's there.

Rock On,

Aitch

Performance Anxiety

So I had this audition last night at Gotham Comedy Club for a talent agency. How'd I do? On a scale of 1-10, I grade myself a six...Josie gave me a seven. Some jokes at the beginning of my set that normally get good laughs, only got middlin' laughs. I think it was due to nerves (mine, not the audience).

As some readers (actually maybe only one) know...I suffer from stage fright. That wouldn't be such a big deal if I were say, an accountant, but it's kinda important when you're a stand-up comic.

It's not uncommon for me to get headaches and/or stomach aches before shows (I even get nervous at open mics). I've also gotten lock jaw, shortness of breath and/or "the shakes."

It's gotten better but it always kills me when I get the "you look so comfortable/confident up there" as it's the last thing I'd expect to hear.

btw - this blog is the basis of my memoir.

Rock On,

Aitch

Springtime for Patrick Bateman?

American Psycho is my favorite movie of all-time. It's what made me wanna be a serial killer.

Anyway, now there's word of an American Psycho musical!

In honor of such an event, I may get new business cards...with tastefully thick, subtle off-white coloring. It may even have a watermark.

Rock On,

Aitch

Are We Talkin' Toronto or Saskatchewan?

Josie's suddenly become Ms. Political due to her searing hatred fore McCain and Palin (something having to do with abortion rights, i believe)

She told me I should be more active too.
"Why?"
"Cause if they win, we're moving to Canada."

Rock On,

Aitch

They Should Promote My Story More

So, the book I have an essay in, The Ultimate Dog Lover, is currently ranked 602,656 on Amazon in terms of book sales.

I didn't even know there were that many books.

Rock On,

Aitch

Is That A Compliment?

A co-worker was telling me she was staying at The Borgata in Atlantic City, and took in their comedy show.

"Some of those comics, I swear, you're no worse than them!"

Rock On,

Aitch

Talk About Lipstick On A Pig

Went to deli yesterday to get lunch...saw this at buffet....
I love how they dress it up by added green pepper garnish. Really makes me want some of that whatever-it-is.

Rock On,

Aitch

My Ode To Yogi Berra

Stock market's been gettin' killed.

Good thing I don't have any money, or I'd be broke now.

Rock On,

Aitch

What Did I Expect?

I took a memoir-writing workshop yesterday. There were about 15 people in the class. All they wanted to talk about was their books.

What a bunch of narcissists.

Rock On,

Aitch

Wednesday Night

If anyone reading this is in New York area on Wednesday Night, I'm part of a showcase at Gotham Comedy Club at 8:30 PM. It'll be cool to see some friendly faces as in attendance will be reps from a major talent agency.

Let's just say if they like me, I'm gonna leave this blog behind and write a trophy blog.

Rock On,

Aitch

The Dog Diet

They're always inventing new ridiculous diets (if I cared more, I'd link to some of the more absurd ones here...just assume that I have done just that). Well, I've got one of my own. It can be explained in three words: Get a dog.

Since I've gotten Stewie, my caloric intake has been lowered by one-third, as not only do I give him about a quarter of every meal I eat, but I eat fewer snacks as I know that most ain't good for him.

Rock On,

Aitch

Umm, Surprise!

So Josie doesn't want me to tell her where we're going on our honeymoon.

"When should I tell you?"
"Tell me at the airport."
"Airport?!?"
"We do need to go via plane, right?"
"Umm, let's just say I'll tell ya at the bus station."

Rock On,

Aitch

Shortest Rivalry Ever

You can always tell what, or more specifically who, America feared most based on movie villains. For a long stretch, Germans and Russians were the go-to villains. Asians, scary looking black men and in the last decade, Eastern Europeans have played many a bad guy (and in Die Hard 3, girl).

I was just watching Back to the Future (ok, I still am) and Doc shrieks in horror, "They found me!"
"Who?" asks Marty.
"The Libyans!!"

Rock On,

Aitch

One Of Those Days (Subtitle - TGIF)

Ya ever look around for your cellphone...ya check yer pants pockets, shirt pocket, desk, everywhere...and then you realize...You're on it?

Umm, me neither.

Rock On,

Aitch

In Light Of Recent Headlines...

I'm glad I left Lehman Bros....19 years ago.

Rock On,

Aitch

Um, wow.

Without getting into the gory details, my nuclear family isn't exactly on best of terms with some of the extended family. We got back our wedding response card from one of the latter.

Not only did they check off the "Sorry! We are unable to attend because we have something really important to do" box, but, they felt the need to write in below, "Absolutely not able to attend."

Oooooo....Wait till I tell mom!

Rock On,

Aitch

On The Move

Josie and I recently heard that our rent was going to increase 17% even though real estate is struggling, the economy is in shambles and we have construction right outside our window (and will lose any view in a couple of months). So, we're moving.

One problem - our lease ends October 31st. No biggie, until you realize that we are getting maddied Oct 25th and will be on our honeymoon.

We asked the management company if we can leave a month early. No. We asked if we can stay an extra month. No.

Nothing like a li'l added stress to spice up October.

Rock On,

Aitch

I Love The Smell Of Dog Poop In The Morning

Took day off from work...about to take pup to dog run.

Will write something later...sure to be profound, as usual.

Rock On,

Aitch

Too Much To Ask For

I see there's a new study out that claims that dogs yawn when they see us yawn. (btw - "yawn" is an odd sounding word, no?)

If only dogs also wouldn't toss the ball under the sofa if we didn't toss the ball under the sofa.

Rock On,

Aitch

Maybe This Shoulda Been A Rejected Wedding Idea

So, in the interest of democracy, and that I'm past my Marxist period, Josie and I decided to let people coming to our wedding request a song to be played. Here are a few of the requests...

Another One Bites The Dust
The Thong Song
The Humpty Dance

This could be an interesting wedding. I think I'm gonna spend the wedding watching the Mennonites.

Rock On,

Aitch

Vindicated! (Sort Of)

Though I've always like The American version of The Office, I didn't think it was up to par with the English version. The main reason was that though Steve Carrell is excellent, I thought (and think) he plays the character as "too stupid" (Ricky Gervais, while playing it more evil, played it far less stupid). I never understood how Michael Scott keeps his job, much less his girlfriend. I mean seriously, why did Jan put up with him? It made no sense.

And I guess the producers agreed with me.

You see, I haven't watched The Office for a while, mainly cause I have other stuff to watch (like this)....but I recently caught a few episodes from last season, and I noticed one big change... No, Michael isn't smarter

...Jan is now an idiot too.

It's almost like a different character from when I last saw her. She used to be just as flabbergasted as we were at Michael's antics, but now she's got her own antics for us to be flabbergasted about.

Did I miss a plot point? Did getting laid off drive her insane? Does dating someone insane make you insane? What are the writers telling us?

Rock On,

Aitch

Apparently, It Isn't Unanimous

So, ya know how everyone loves our invites?

Well, one of my friends' parents were invited. He told me that when he went to visit them, his mom showed him the invite and asked, "Is this supposed to be funny?"

Rock On,

Aitch

The Drunk Tell

Some people have poker tells, my bud has a drunk tell. I didn't know this until I had a conversation with my brother this afternoon. We were talking about the Jets game yesterday, and more specifically about a friend at the game, who I'll refer to as "V."

Me - V had about ten beers.
Bro - Ten? Really?
Me - Yeah, he was pretty drunk.
Bro - Was he tapping people on the shoulder and pretending that it wasn't him?
Me - Yes!!! Does he always do that?!?
Bro - Yup...when he's hammered.

And it was true...walking through the stadium, trying to find our section, V would randomly tap people on the shoulder and keep walking. They would turn around, and either look at me and my innocent mug, or turn to see the back of V's head.

Rock On,

Aitch

The Redneck Riviera

I'm always late to the party, and not fashionably late either. I didn't have a date till I was about 20. I didn't get my ear pieced till I was out of college, and working on Wall Street. And yesterday was the first time I ever did the whole face-painting thing. I didn't plan on it - my buddy was drunk and said he'd pay. That's' all I needed...Here's another pic of me in my head-painted glory.

By the way, it was about 150 degrees yesterday, and due to the paint, I couldn't wipe my head. The sweat just kept dripping into my eyes. By the end of the day, my eyes were so bloodshot, I looked like a zombie.

As my friend Q noted, it doesn't matter where you tailgate, New Jersey, Wisconsin, or Florida, there all look the same. Using a phrase from the movie Cry Baby, I described it as The Redneck Riviera...

Not to say my friends are idiots, but when cleaning up, they put the still-hot coals from the bbq into our garbage bag and then tried to walk it over to the garbage...not surprisingly, this is what resulted...

The game? Oh, it sucked...Though the stadium was as loud as I'd ever heard it at the start of the game, by the middle of the second quarter, when it was apparent these were the "same ol' Jets," it got quiet and really never got loud again.

Ack...

Rock On,

Aitch

Details Later...

What Did You Think Of Her Ears?

The award for "Oddest Complement Ever" goes to a female friend of mine, who met Josie last night for the first time.

This morning, she e-mailed me. In mentioning Josie, she remarked, "...and can her nose be more adorable?"

Rock On,

Aitch

At Least The Show Went Well

I rarely eat before shows due to nerves. So after my show last night, I was starving. Josie said she'd make pasta when we got home but it'll take 15 minutes.

"15 minutes?!" I replied, "I can't wait that long." Especially considering we had decided to walk the 20 minutes to get home. I suggested we stop off at her favorite empanada place, Empanada Mama's. She happily agrees, and we order there. We wait about ten minutes for our food and take it go.

As soon as we left, I wondered out loud why I ordered so little. So when we passed this hole-in-the-wall Haitian place that I always wanted to try, Josie asked if I wanted to get something from there too.

"Yes!" I answered and we entered. As an aside, I felt like I was in a foreign country as soon as I walked in. Not only did it appear that everyone in there was Haitian, but I had to ask the woman at the counter to repeat herself like three times cause I couldn't make out her accent.

I ended up ordering the fried pork with plantains.
"15 minutes," she told me.

25 minutes later, Josie was waiting outside, while I was inside (thinking that my standing there would make this go faster). She texted me something about "What's taking so long?"
I asked her, "What can I do?"
"Throw at fit. Cry," She answered.

Anyway, 10 minutes after that, we got our food and finally made our way home.

I prolly shoulda ordered one of their more exotic dishes (like oxtail or cow's feet) cause to be honest, though the fried pork was decent, it wasn't any better than something like, say, pasta.

Rock On,

Aitch

The Show Must Go On

I am in a crap mood, probably because,
I have a headache, probably because...
I am exhausted, probably because there was an annoying mosquito biting away last night.

And I have an audition tonight.

Argh

Rock On,

Aitch

Interesting Marketing Strategy

The guy who works next to me bought Peanut Butter and Co's Peanut Butter with Raisins. The raisins were hard as rocks so so wrote the company an e-mail (yeah, he's one of those).

They sent him a coupon for the same product.

Rock On,

Aitch

They Both Do Start With S's

Went to Josie's parents' house last night for dinner. They ordered seven sushi rolls and one entree for seven people.

When we questioned whether enough had been ordered, her father declared, "Don't worry, we have salami in the fridge."

And that's' what we ate...sushi and salami.

Rock On,

Aitch

I Think We Were Both Winners

My boss and I were looking for an accounting rule on the Internet.

He found it first.

Prolly cause I was busy seeing what heppened to The Karate Kid's mom's job.

Rock On,

Aitch

We'd Rather Have No Gift, Thanks

So Josie called my mom to invite her to Josie's wedding shower. Mom asked what she'd like for a gift.
Josie said, "I dunno, whatever."
Mom responded, "How about lingerie?"

Now, I'm not exactly sure how Josie answered, but if I were her, the answer woulda sounded something like, "Oh, for the love of God, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Rock On,

Aitch

Happy Birthday Stewie!

Today's my pup's birfday.

So tonite, he gets his own burger...which actually works out for me as I wont have to share mine.

He's four years old. I swear, it seems like only yesterday when he was constantly nudging a ball into my hands to throw, sitting at my feet while I ate, hoping for scraps and licking my armpits for some bizarre reason.

Oh wait...that was this morning.

Anway, if you're reading this, Happy Birthday Stewbert!

BTW - I heard the book which contains an essay I wrote about Stew was featured on the front page of Publishers Weekly.

Rock On,

Aitch

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed and Something... Green?

A few weeks ago, Josie and I agreed to meet a potential officiant for our wedding at a Dunkin' Donuts in our neighborhood.

Oddly, he e-mailed me on Tuesday to arrange for our Sunday meeting...

"I will be wearing Green shorts and a short sleeve green shirt with a moose on it."

I resisted the urge to write back, "What if there are two people wearing that outfit? How will I know which one is you?"

I think my favorite part of that outfit is that he thought about it...and said to himself, "This'll get 'em on board!"

Rock On,

Aitch

Blogroll

As anyone who follows every move I make, you must already notice that I added a new blog to my blogroll...

I highly recommend to all those as bored as I am, check out the best of the mommy bloggers, The Soccer Mom Files.

Here's one of my favorite recent posts of hers.

Of course, don't check it out if that would mean spending less time here. Of course.

Rock On,

Aitch

Say Wha?!?

Just back from dinner for Josie's birthday with a few of her friends. One brought his new girlfriend, who said to her boyfriend, "I thought you said you'd never know Harris was a comedian! He's hysterical!"

Say Wha?

(Though it is true...I don't feel any need to be "on." Sometimes I am, sometimes, I ain't.)

Rock On,

Aitch

Irony

Watching Groundhog Day for the 179th time.

Rock On,

Aitch

Idyllic? I Think Not

Everyone always talks about "The Good Ol' Days" like the '50's were some kind of innocent nirvana, while today life is such a chore.

Well, I was watching Grease the other night for the 389th time, and I couldn't help but notice how angry and sarcastic everyone was (except Frenchie) - in fact, Sandy "fit in" at the end by changing into a bitchy temptress for Danny (it was enough that Danny "attempted" to change)...don't get me wrong, I'm angry and sarcastic so it didn't bother me in the least, I'm just sayin' that maybe things weren't so peachy keen.

Rock On,

Aitch

Rejected Wedding Ideas - Part Tres

Third in a series...

You know how single people sometimes feel awkward at weddings...just sitting there, watching couples' dance, feelin' all, you know, single? And there's always a person or two sitting at a table who doesn't know anyone else?

Well, here is (actually, was) my idea...

Couples will not be seated with each other. If the hubby is seated at "Table Yurt," the wife will be at "Table of the Dog." This will help in two areas.

One, no one will know anyone else at their table, making it so it's not just awkward for a few, it'll be awkward for all!

And two, I see it playing out like a reality show, let's call it Temptation Wedding.

'Nuff said.

What?

Rock On,

Aitch

Gulp

Getting nervous for my wedding...not cause I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, but cause so many have told me they loved the invitation - lotta pressure to make it as fun.

Rock On,

Aitch

I Would Like To Be At The Follow-Up Meeting

This is an e-mail my friend who works elsewhere got a hold of...

XXXX,

Pursuant to our voice mail exchange, here is an email with my observations -- and please note that they are based on my first three days on that floor (I was on E 3d floor before), so the data may not be representative, and that's why I wanted to talk so this doesn't get blown out of proportions.
I refer to the men's room in the Northern part of the building, where I found the following state of affairs:
- Overfull wastepaper baskets beginning mid afternoon (with used paper towels falling out on the floor);
- yesterday, one of the two paper towel dispensers not giving out any paper for most of the day (still the case this morning);
- the cleaning log sheet for yesterday was not kept in a meaningful way (whoever does this doesn't understand that one doesn't sign off in the morning for all day...)
I also received a comment from a female co-worker that the E2d floor ladies room presents a general state of uncleanliness which causes her to go to the third floor facilities.

Also, since we are talking feedback, two things that are bothering me, but I have never been able to tell anyone:
- There is a tendency among cleaning suppliers/bathroom keepers/vendors to use a more narrow kind of toilet paper (about an inch missing) than others, or than the kind one uses at home. I am sure this is to save trees and cost, but personally, I think that is saving pennies at the cost of great discomfort and dissatisfaction to the user.
- I also think that our restrooms are not ventilated enough, and that there, like in many other parts of the building, fresh outside air is hard to come by.
I understand these are facilities much-used by a lot of people, and again, these are very personal observations, very preliminary, not to be taken too seriously, but I thought you might want to know. Let me know if you want to discuss.

Best Regards,

XXXXXX
Deputy General Counsel

(I love that it's a lawyer)

Rock On,

Aitch

We Can Only Hope

As mentioned, we sent out our invites with three response envelopes missing postage.

I told my mom.

She said, "Oh boy...hope they weren't sent to anyone on our side."

Rock On,

Aitch

How Comics Roll

Did a show tonight, outdoors, at this really good steakhouse in Spanish Harlem. The audience barely listened to us, deciding that their steaks were more important (the nerve!). We also heard dogs barking in the distance during our sets. Dunno if that was for us, or the steaks.

You'd think that doing twelve minutes in those circumstances would make for a lousy gig, but the fact is, I was happy to do twelve minutes, I ate an awesome steak (free!), got to hang out with some comic buddies, and got home by eleven.

Not a bad night at all in my book.

Rock On,

Aitch