Thursday, July 31, 2008
In fact, though a couple of comics ended with jokes perfect for me to do a joke of my own, I chose not to, thinking that every joke I do gets me home that much closer to waking up.
ANYWAY, most annoying thing of the night, actually, it's a tie -
1 - Three or four comics had like four mediocre credits they wanted me to intro them with...How can i put this gently? oh wait, I know...No one gives a crap! Seriously, who at a comedy show cares that you just shot a commercial? Especially if you have some other credit to go with. Do you think the audience will be overpowered by your credits and just start laughing because you were on a soap opera? Or do you just think that mentioning seventeen things you've done equals one Comedy Central credit?!?
2 - One comic, in giving me his/her credits mentioned "Oh, I just got passed at XXX Club, but you don't have to mention that." Now, I KNOW why you're telling me, and that's the reason I'm mentioning this....You want me to either say, "Oh, that's awesome! Good for you!" or you want me to think, "Wow, So and so IS funny!"
Sorry but neither happened...but man, so many friekin' needy comics out there.
UPDATE - Got really cool e-mail from guy who hired me and ran the show, thanking me for a great job - it's stuff like that that keeps me going.
btw - to the (I assume) gentleman who filled out the comment card - one question...
Is your name Native American? Curious cause I've never heard anyone with the name "Suck My Balls!!!"
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Nice guy, said the right things, asked the right questions (i guess).
One thing he stumped us on...when he asked "Why get married?"
I think we were silent for a few sec cause we weren't quite sure what he was asking, but just in case, I'm gonna be checking the "second thoughts" thread on indiebride.com for anyone posting named "halfmennonitehalfitalianmarryingajew."
That sucks, but on the bright side, I hear that Facebook is working on a new app...Trivial PurSweet!
"Aren't you getting married at Loft 11?"
"Hold on a sec...one of the drug reps here got married there!"
"What? No! Wait!"
"So, I hear you're getting married at Loft 11."
"Yup...you got married there?"
"Yes...it's a very nice space."
"Yeah, it is."
"So, uhh, how long ago were you married there?"
"A couple of years."
"Uh huh, uh huh."
"Ok, I'm going to put your mom on the line. Good luck!"
"Thanks! You too!"
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
When I told a co-worker, he explained that it was due to possible World War 1 munitions in the sand.
"No way!" I said.
But apparently, yeah.
Slightly less bizarre but funnier, is that according to the article, some towns specifically ban anyone from entering the water is they are experiencing diarrhea. I'm not exactly sure how they are monitoring this but if you ever find yourself unemployed, I'd think twice before applying for any "Beach Patrol" positions in Sea Bright.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Well, during my vacation, I made a few "glue balls" by applying Elmer's Glue to my palm and then rubbing it into a ball. Haven't done that since like third grade.
Wonder what that says about my readiness for kids.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
When I grew up, after having one serving of mom's spaghetti and meatballs with Saucy Susan, we were all pretty much ready to get up and see what's on TV.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
But I gotta tell ya...
Going on vacation with your girlfriend....relaxing.
Going on vacation with your girlfriend, her parents, her brother and his wife, their four year old girl AND their three month old twin boys? Not so much
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
"Sure," she said.
So the first two days, I texted, "Everything ok?"
"Yes," she wrote back.
I wanted her to tell me more as "yes" didn't really quantify just how okay he was. So, on the third day, I wrote, "How is everything?" assuming that an open-ended question may open her up a bit.
The answer came back in two minutes...
Monday, July 21, 2008
Well, now I'm her BFF - When she's not asking me to "silly dance" with her or read cards while making faces, she's climbing all over me.
I've taken to pretending to sleep to get some rest.
I guess this is to be filed under "Be Careful What You Wish For"
Hope everyone's doing ok...
Friday, July 18, 2008
In other news, I'm on vaca through next Saturday (hittin' LBI on the Jersey Shore)...though I will prolly find the time and the connection to log on somewhere to tell a tale or two, there's a chance I won't (esp the latter).
So, in case I don't, have a good 'un.
Found one, loking for non-fictional stories about dating/sex/school/etc...but they didn't say who they were. I wrote to them for the name of their company, a website, etc...
This is what I got back...
I am not releasing publication, author or book details the public at this time. Those details will only be released to an individual once a story has been accepted for publication and release and copyright documentation has been signed. Sorry but you must understand the prospective that I am coming from.
Thanks for your injury.
Umm, yeah, right.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
ANYWAY, it was a Korean place, on the second floor of a prewar apartment building. When I reached their "apartment," there were about seven people welcoming me...prolly cause they had no other customers.
One of the women led me into a room.
"Have you done before? She asked in her accent.
"Yeah, once, like eight, nine years ago...I don't even remember if it hurt!"
"You remember today."
I could swear that she gasped when I took off my shirt, but I may be wrong.
At one point, another woman came in. She spoke in Korean, they laughed, and then she left.
"Were you laughing at my back?" I asked, smiling, turning towards her.
"No." She answered, smiling as well.
When I realized she wasn't going to add anything, I turned away again.
Needless to say, it hurt... a lot. At one point, my right leg actually did a leg curl when she ripped off one of the patches. If I were standing, I woulda looked like a '30's movie starlet being kissed.
Afterwards, it still felt like a thousand needles pricking me. Today, it just feels wet (?)...and it's a lil blotchy.
Thankfully, I aint hittin' any beaches till Saturday.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
REQUIREMENTS: CAUCASIAN & HISPANIC MEN OR WOMEN AGE 40 - 75 WHO HAVE CATARACTS (DIAGNOSED OR UN-DIAGNOSED)
Undiagnosed? Maybe I don't know what cataracts are but couldn't anyone just say they have them?
Reminds me of when I was in college and I tried to get into a group for latinos, aged 25-39, who smoked non-menthol cigarettes for at least five years.
hey! I needed the money.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
"I dunno, some steamed broccoli?"
Monday, July 14, 2008
The reason I bring this up is I was forced to watch The Bachelorette this season (Man, is that an annoying show) and I'm picturing fights between the guys who ended up going home solo, and their future girlfriends, thanks to comments they made on the show to the camera.
"So, Mr. I-Know-That-DeAnna-Is-My-Soul-Mate...why don't you take her to your football game?!?"
"Let me get this straight...You left your kid for four months to compete for her, and you won't take me on vacation for a week?"
"Yes, but is it as romantic as you said it was in the Bahamas with DeAnna?!?"
"Oh, so you'll cry on national TV when she dumped you, but when I dump you, nothing?!?"
Friday, July 11, 2008
Me - I got another idea for our wedding!
Josie - Uh oh...
Me - How 'bout, instead of doing a wedding cake, we do a "Tower of Hostess?"
Josie - Huh?
Me - Yeah, it would just be a table piled high with Twinkees, Cupcakes, Ring Dings, Yodels, etc...
Josie - That's ridiculous.
Me - You're ridiculous!
Josie - Ugh.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
We had gone out for drinks at Druids, and had awkwardly said our goodbyes at the corner of 51st and 10th Avenue. After taking a few steps, I decided the proper thing to do was to walk her home, hence my dash to catch up to her.
It was our first date.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Anyway, here's the e-mail I wrote to my buds (I didn't have a blog then) following my very first show.
I wonder what happened to Triangle Man.
btw - Not many friends remember that show, but everyone remembers the second one.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Rejected Wedding Ideas -
Me - I got an idea for our wedding!
Josie - Uh oh...
Me - How 'bout, on the invitation, we offer a money back guarantee?!?
Josie - Huh?
Me - Yeah, If we're not still maddied in two years, you get your money or gift back!
Josie - That's ridiculous.
Me - You're ridiculous!
Josie - Ugh.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Turned out to be fairly boring - though, I'm pretty sure the waitress wanted to hit my mom.
Best exchanges occurred when mom was talking about all the things she has in her purse...
Mom - I have an umbrella, a raincoat, with a hood, a hat, a bag to put the hat I'm wearing in so it doesn't get wet. I have a Viagra pen...
Josie - Harris's mom works in a Parkinson's doctor's office...so she gets stuff like that.
Josie's Mom - They use Viagra to treat Parkinson's?
Mom - No, that's for men to help them, get their uh-huh's, you know.
Harris - Check , please!
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Starts with a group of friends winning their seventeenth consecutive weekly trivia contest at their local watering hole. While celebrating, a mysterious group of thirtysomethings's congratulates them on their victory and leaves, but not before one of them ominously states, "See you next week."
The week after, the other team comes, competes, and destroys the competition, including the former champs. It then happens the next week and the next.
A team meeting ensues - our heroes start out depressed about the turn of events, but one of them gives a stirring speech about "taking back their bar" and rededicating themselves. The team is re-energized, leading to a montage of scenes - team reading newspaper together, studying country capitals on a blackboard, chasing chickens, etc.
Climax has them coming from behind to beat the new guys.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
What does Ebert wanna see, a scene, maybe after the credits, of the city council debating whether to raise taxes to fix the subway cars destroyed due to Spidey's battle with Doc Ock?
Maybe they can show the conundrum of whether it will be in the form of a fare increase, since after it, it is commuters that use the subway, or an increase in property taxes, on the basis that Spiderman's mere presence increases property values.
That doesn't even get into the fact that while they complain these movies ignore the real-life aftermath, and yet, are willing to buy the whole "A radioactive spider bit a human and now said human has superhuman powers and can spin webs."
If it were up to them, the next Spiderman will open with someone cleaning up the webs that Spiderman has left in his wake.
"You realize this is a restaurant, right?"
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Here's the thing - People assume that because I do stand-up, that I'm an outgoing, extroverted , confident kinda guy. Nothing can be further from the truth.
In reality, the reason I started doing stand up in my thirties is due to my fear of public speaking. I got lock jaw before going on stage at my first few stand-up shows.
In fact, when I was supposed to be on Blind Date, I got so freaked out, that during the on air interview, I actually forgot my name!
ANYWAY, I did kinda want to try, so I checked out the book of possible songs they had on file... Motley Crue's Shout at the Devil jumped out at me, but then I thought that no one else there knew the song...karaoke is best when others are singing along. Though I love the theme song to The Sound of Music, I couldn't see myself prancing about like Fraulein Maria. Then I saw G & R's Sweet Child O' Mine. Perfect! Then someone went up and sung it. D'oh! We kept scouring the book, and after coming across and singing a few bars of Kenny Rogers's The Gambler, our crew begged me to try it. Though I agreed is a perfect karaoke song, I declined.
Fast forward ten minutes, and dude running the karaoke announces, "Next up...Harris!" Shit.
Yup... they put my name in. I slowly ambled up to the front, asked the guy what song I was doing (usually people know), swallowed hard, and tentatively began to "sing."
Then I saw Josie in the crowd cheering me on, and before I knew it, my arms were swinging and my head bobbing, as I exhorted the crowd to "know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, know when to run."
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
We were joking about it throughout the night, until I asked, "Isn't there another waitress you can call to do this?"
His reply was, "This is my job...ya know, I gotta pay rent...not everyone can be a tax assessor!"
I'm not a tax assessor, but, yeah, I didn't feel like correcting him.
Josie answered, "Because we want to be together for the rest of our lives," and then she leaned into me and with her eyes wide and slightly sinister tone, continued, "Forever, and ever, and ever."
That's when I said, "Well, there's always divorce."
(Part 2 later today)