My Girfriend's Three-Year-Old Niece is an Anti-Semite

So Josie and I took the train into Jersey Friday night to celebrate her birthday with her family. The occasion also marked the first time I was meeting her family.

It was warm and muggy out, and on the way over, Josie made some remark about them not having central air. No biggie, I thought, I assumed they would have the wall units cranking. Um, no. Her dad told us that they didn't think they'd need a/c anymore so they removed them from the windows. I think that was when I started sweating.

She also told me that at dinner, not only would we go around the table to explain what we're thankful for, but we'd all join hands while doing it. I'm not sure if this was a Catholic (her dad) or Mennonite (her mom) thing, but when in Ridgewood...
So five minutes after meeting him, I was sweating at the dinner table (in the kitchen) while holding hands with Josie's dad.

Here are a few things I thought about saying that I'm thankful for but decided against it...

1 - Josie's delicious body.
2 - soap
3 - air conditioning
4 - the morning after pill
5 - the fact that my family doesn't do this before every meal

But no, I ended up saying something boring. Whatever.

Though I didn't look, I'm pretty certain that after he let my hand go, Josie's dad wiped his hand on his pants.

BTW - he told me to call him "Chuck." I told him to call me "Peppermint Harris."

Though saying grace under pressure was over, the sweating wasn't. Throughout dinner, I waited till most of the party were looking elsewhere so I could use the napkin to wipe my forehead. Since the napkin was paper, and I was sweating bullets, I was afraid that part of the napkin would end up on my forehead so after wiping with my napkin, I wiped with my bare hand. Josie felt for me as she kept looking over with a sad look on her face.

Her three year old niece (Gianna) was also having a tough time. Theories ranged from the party being about Josie and not her, Josie bringing a new friend over, or just a phase she's been going through. I thought it was because she hates Jews. Here's why...

During one of Gianna's tantrums (this one about it not being her birthday party) Josie explained that though her next birthday wasn't till April, she would get presents in December and asked her if she knew why. For some reason, I felt the need to pipe in...

"Chanukah?"

The whole table fell silent. Soon thereafter, Gianna proclaimed, "I don't like this party!" while staring straight at me.

I rest my case.

Rock On,

Aitch