This Town's Big Enough For Two Strike Mascots

For years, NY'ers have been alerted to building-related strikes by the giant rat ominously standing outside of said buildings.

Until now.

I saw this yesterday...

Rock On,

Aitch

A Wedding Comics Will Like

If I'm understanding Josie correctly, we're not gonna have a bridal party. Fine with me as it avoids this conversation.

Josie - Okay, I did my list and I will have seven bridesmaids.
Me - Seven? I don't even have seven friends!

We're also not gonna have a best man or maid of honor. So they won't be giving toasts. Instead, it's gonna be like her friend Megan's, wedding, where toasts were done open mic style (Aside to comics: You don't have to buy a drink and there's no $5 fee!)

Funny thing there, at one point during the open mic toasts, Megan's father was asking if anyone else had something to say. When no one did, he asked if her friends from home wanted to say anything and specifically called out Josie.

Now, I don't exactly recall what Josie said, but I recall her using the words "wonderful" and "circles" a lot (e.g. "It's wonderful how Megan creates circles of friends whereever she goes")

Lesson here is - Be Prepared. As anyone who knows my mom will attest, she won't think twice about calling you out.

Rock On,

Aitch

Suggestions?

Wedding plans movin' along - we will be picking a place to be maddied by the end of this weekend. Next will be food (I'll be spearheading that) and flowers (Josie). But we still have to pick a first song.

We used to joke about doing some fast paced dance to a rap song, but then someone stole that idea and ended up on The Today Show.

I also thought Josie could lip synch "I Need A Hero" for a minute before I ride in astride a white horse. She rejected that.

Anyway, here are a few of our other song ideas....

Don't Stop Believing
Separate Ways
Welcome to the Jungle
Living on a Prayer
Let The Bodies Hit The Floor
Smack My Bitch Up
Me So Horny

I guess we still have work to do.

Rock On,

Aitch

Summer's Here

I know cause the homeless dude in front of my building took off his jacket...now he's only wearing six.

Rock On,

Aitch

Making History

Tomorrow night, I'm gonna have some friends over to watch UFC #84 (mixed martial arts). Josie said we should make fondue.

I'm fairly certain that I will be the only person in history to ever say, "Uh oh, he's got him in a rear naked choke hold!" while dipping crudite into melted gorgonzola.

Rock On,

Aitch

A Few Things....

First of all, given that Josie and I wanna get maddied ("Married?!?" "Yes! Maddied!!" "Married?!?") in late Fall, according to one wedding-centric website, we are already behind on like 64 things that we gotta take care of. On the other hand, we aren't behind on like 100 other things, so all in all, I think we're ahead of the game...no?

Secondly, although I couldn't make it, the rest of the team competed last night...and (somehow) won. Not to take anything away from my teammate's victory, but I heard that the competition wasn't as strong as previous weeks. I'm just sayin'.

Thirdly, there's a restaurant near my job - The Pershing Cafe - that has a sign in its window "The busiest breakfast in NY!" - Who are they trying to appeal to? Pickpockets with a craving for flapjacks?

Good night everybody! I'll be here all week!!

Rock On,

Aitch

At Least The Ron Jeremy School For Acting

My alma mater, Queens College, still sends me letters asking for donations. They may as well ask me to donate hair.

Given the success of some of their higher profile alum, I won't feel guilty until I see The Jerry Seinfeld Science Building or The Ray Romano Medical School.

Rock On,

Aitch

Open Mic Wisdom

Only at Klans meetings and open mics can someone refer to a "Jew lawyer" from the stage and get a laugh from the crowd.

rock on,

aitch

I Laughed, I Cried, It Was Better Than Cats

So...the root canal.

Naturally, the dentist took me a half hour late so I could think the worst a little longer. After taking a look at my outlaw tooth, he said we were gonna move into his other room. He claims it was cause the light was better in there...I think it was cause he wanted to move me further from the waiting room when I screamed (I was already whimpering).

Before beginning, I told him about my weak gag reflex, which I'm sure impressed him. I may as well have told him I liked apple martini's. Oh, wait.

ANYWAY, the actual root canal went fine. In fact, I asked the dentist why they had such a bad rep. He said that they used to be bad and sometimes, if the infection is worse, there may be some pain.

Gotta go back next week to get permanent cap. I told him I had such a good time, I may bring friends.

Rock On,

Aitch

As I Get Ready For My Root Canal...

I realized that I can't make this week's trivia night. Another member of our team (Sorry About Your Daughter - patent pending) can't make it as well.

Josie said she may still do it, but invite other people for the team.

I may have to step in and insist they not use our team name (Sorry About Your Daughter - patent pending). That would be like the '27 Yanks playing in the World Series without Ruth or Gehrig.

In fact, if they use the team name and lose, from hereon in, when I am there our new name will be "Sorry About Your Daughter (patent pending), Starring Harris Bloom."

Rock On,

Aitch

Mmm...Yellow #6....Mmmmm....

Josie thinks the pain in my side may have something to do with the five cups of coffee (each with three Sweet & Low's) and several diet sodas I drink each day.

I don't think so, but I do think that due to all the chemicals I drink, that when I die, I'm not going to have to be embalmed.

Rock On,

Aitch

I'm Gonna Have A Case of The Mondays

I'm gonna have my first root canal. I'm hoping there won't be a sequel.

And I can't wait as my dentist told me there's a chance it could abscess and get a bubble which could travel to my brain and kill me.

And they wonder why people fear the dentist.

She also told me that studies have shown that plaque can increase the risk for diabetes, strokes and even premature, low birth weight babies. I told her that's not really a problem as I don't think I could get pregnant while I have ovarian cysts.

Apparently, it's gonna be a difficult one as my dentist is sending me to a specialist to do it.

I can't wait.

Rock On,

Aitch

ThreePeat

Well, we did it again.

Sorry About Your Daughter (patent pending) marched into Hell's Kitchen and once again conquered a bunch of over matched, under armed wannabees, thereby securing our third consecutive title. And with it, another bottle of vodka.

Next time, we're gonna ask to have the vodka sit at our table ...and we'll drink it during the "competition" (if one can even call it that anymore).

T-shirts for sale soon.

Rock On,

Aitch

I Also Have A Strange Desire to Rent Beaches...

If you're wondering why I went to the doctor the other day, it was cause I've had a pain in my side for a while.

I put all the symptoms into the webmd symptoms finder thingy and found out that I have ovarian cysts.

I may've put in the wrong gender.

Rock On,

Aitch

This Year...

I'm gonna throw a surprise birthday party for my dog.

So if you see him, play it like you don't know anything.

Rock On,

Aitch

That Means "Very Cool" Just So You Know

As inferred previously, Josie doesn't take too well to the way society instills a certain expectation of women from an early age. For example, she's fairly disgusted with the whole "fairy tale princess needing to be saved by her prince" thingy. I believe her when she says she wasn't one of those girls who knew at age eight exactly how her wedding day will go.

For that reason, it's kinda funny seeing the "excited- needing to plan - i'm getting married" Josie.

Just so you know, I'm still as cool as ever.

Rock on,

aitch

Not A Good Sign

I wanted to make an appointment with my doctor today. They have an online system so I could check which times were available without bothering the receptionist.

Upon looking, it turned out that every time was available.

I'm picturing walking in, only to find him playing Grand Theft Auto.

May be time to change doctors.

Rock On,

Aitch

Is That A Comment On Her Fashion Sense?

Forgot about this...

When I called mom to tell her I was engaged, she said, (after congratulations!), "...I really like Josie...she's smart, funny, and she doesn't seem to spend a lot."

Rock On,

Aitch

"Is She Knocked Up?"

So, Josie and I are engaged!

Surprising her was impossible, given that for two months, I couldn't even start a sentence with "Will you...?" without her googling "vera wang." In fact, the night I proposed, I had to hide the ring in my sock, considering she frisked me every time I met her anywhere.

A few reactions....

My brother - "Seriously, did you knock her up?"

Her father (re: the wedding) - "I don't want to be involved. Just tell me how much to write the check for... and don't forget, I'm retired."

My mom (after thirty minutes of "congratulations!" - ".., I never thought Harris would settle down again. Woman after woman after woman after woman ... no one could hold his attention." (Josie just laughed)

More tomorrow...

Rock On,

Aitch

Sorry About Your Daughter Rules!

Wednesday night is Trivia Night at this bar in Hells Kitchen. Twice in the past month me, Josie, and a couple of anonymous friends have gone. We won...both times. And to the victor goes the bottle of vodka.

Not that we're getting cocky but next time we go, we're gonna ask that they put the bottle on our table before the game starts...and do shots throughout the game.

btw - The title refers to our team name - Sorry About Your Daughter

We may make t-shirts.

Rock On,

Aitch

Speaking of Therapy

After three or so years of pain, ranging from nagging to ummm, somewhat more-than-nagging, I decided to go to the doc about my knee. After x-rays and some feelin' around, last Monday, I started physical therapy.

This week it hurt more than it had at any time during the past three years.

At this rate, I'll be in a wheelchair just in time for the summer.

Rock on,

aitch

What I Get For Dating A Therapist

Upon seeing on The Today Show that there are like 5MM women in the U.S. who abuse alcohol, Josie, who works primarily with victims of sexual assault said, "That's probably cause every time a woman leaves her home, she's in a combat zone."

Rock On,

Aitch

I Can't Believe He Wasn't Smoking Crack

Check out this story.

For those of you too lazy, this dude tried to cash a forged check for 360 Billion dollars. That's American money, not pesos or shekels. (Not that American money is what it used to be, but still...360 billion dollars is still 360 billion dollars...just not what 360 billion dollars was...where was I? Oh yeah...)

The only drug they found on hm was marijuana.

I'm thinking the anti-marijuana lobby should use this case as Exhibit One in their argument to keep marijuana from becoming legalized.

Rock On,

Aitch

Pics

Here are a few pics from my New Orleans weekend...


It was muddy




It was crowded during the day at Jazz Fest



It was crowded at night on Bourbon Street.




Tough to see on this pic of the menu at Mother's, but one of the items in the meat biscuit is "debris." I wish I'd asked what exactly they mean by debris, but looking it up, in Cajun-land, debris is chopped up roast beef, which sounds awesome!



And now, what will undoubtedly be your fave...






Me after three sips of a Hurricane. Or I will will now call it: My New Head Shot.

Rock on,

Aitch

What's Going On?

Within the past two days, at least 50 people from all over the world have found my blog by running this search.

What the?!?

Rock On,

Aitch

Freaky Monday/Tuesday

Last night at 5 PM (okay, "Last late afternoon...") on the CBS local news, they had a story on this new phenomenon of older women dating, and marrying younger men. Apparently, these women are called "cougars."

Dunno if I have to say this but, yo...CBS, 2005 called...they want their phenomenon back.

This morning, on The Today Show, I have no idea why they had a remote story on U.S. missiles and nuclear weapons but who was the "reporter?" None other than Al Roker.

I can't say I paid much attention but I'm sure the Army General was thrilled when he saw who they sent to do the story.

Al - Hey guys! I'm here with army general Lance Stubring (?) It is fantastic to be here!
Army General - Thank you for coming, sir.
Al - (Pointing to weapon behind him) - I'll guessing that doesn't measure the barometric pressure! (Laughs)
AG - No, sir, it does not.
Al - (Still laughing) Okay, speaking of the weather, today's pick city is Jacksonville, Florida, where it's gonna be a beautiful day today, highs in the mid to upper 80's. Are there any atomic warheads in Florida? (Still laughing)
AG - That's classified information, sir.
Al - (Still laughing) Okay, then.
(Silence)
Al - Anything else you wanna add?
AG - No, sir.
Al - Okay then, back to you guys! (Laughing)

Rock on,

Aitch

Someone Just Found My Blog By Searching For This...

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=stripper%20bit%20my%20tongue%20should%20I%20worry

Rock On,

Aitch

I Do Know Where You Can Get Great Bling

New York has a new ad campaign, titled, "Ask a Local" - the picture accompanying each poster is of a celebrity, like P. Diddy.

Here's how I see this working...

Tourist - Hi, Mr. Diddy, or may I call you P? Either way, it sounds pretty funny. Anyway, I'm looking for a good place to eat.
P. Diddy - Sure, I'd go to Masa.
Tourist - But, isn't that place ridiculously expensive?
P. Diddy - I really don't know. What does expensive mean?
Tourist - Nevermind...How about the best burger in New York?
P. Diddy - Oh, that's easy, The Old Homestead. They got this kobe burger...you have to have one.
Tourist - Umm, ok. How about nightlife? Where should me and my friends go tonight?
P. Diddy - Well, lotta hot spots in the Meatpacking District, but you know, me and my posse still like to kick it at Marquee.
Tourist - I think I've heard of that? Are there lines? Would four middle-aged couples from Kansas have trouble getting in?
P. Diddy - I don't think so, I mean, I just walk right in.
Tourist - Thanks P. Diddy!

Rock On,

Aitch

Eight Belles R.I.P.

I heard this guy on one of the morning shows defending horse racing this AM.

"These horses love to run," he said.

Hey, my dog loves to run too, but not so sure he'd love to be whipped while he's running cause he ain't running fast enough.

rock on,

aitch

Back From The Big Easy

A few thoughts from my weekend trip to N'Awlins...

1 - Looked remarkably good - they prolly cleaned up all the tourist related spots as quickly as possible but you really couldn't tell but for some boarded up homes.

2 - It wasn't a weekend for sandals (I don't wear them anyway). Due to thunderstorms leading up to Saturday, the field where Jazz Fest was held was a muddy mess. One of my buds was wearing sandals... a few times, they got stuck in the mud. He ended up leaving them at the hotel (He's a bit of a germaphobe.)

3 - They only charged $4 for Miller Lite's. Weird to me as they coulda charged whatever they wanted. Not that I'm complainin', shit, I had myself, ummm, one. Hey! Being in the sun all day I was worried I'd get a headache!

4 - This was a bachelor party weekend. One guy brought a camera. He's lucky it didn't get smashed. When I said we should leave the hotel at 10:30 for a 12:25 plane home, this same guy said, "...at the latest!" We got to the airport at 11...sat around for an hour and a half.

5 - I didn't really gel with the other guys. I had nothing in common with some and others were annoying post-frat-boy types. Conversations included how fast each has gone in a car and how gay guys who ordered cokes or salads were.

6 - Kinda odd to me how many of the bars has a stage, with a singer singing over a radio track of a song...basically karaoke. Why didn't they just let Bon Jovi do his thing I dunno.

7 - I remember Hurricanes tasting better. I drank half of one.

8 - Some representative quotes from me this weekend -
"Hey guys! I brought cookies!"
"You notice there aren't a lot of hot chicks here, but lotsa good looking guys?"
"Show us your boobies!!! Yay!!!"
"Do you have any sweet drinks, like say, a Pina Colada?"
"I'm going in."

9 - I stayed out till 2:30 Friday night (Saturday morning), but by Saturday night, I was finished - went in at 12. While others are prolly still feelin' the effects of the weekend, I'm totally refreshed and ready for a full week of "work."

Actually, gonna take a half day today. Starting physical therapy on my knee.

Ack.

Rock On,

Aitch

Everyone's A Comedian

Last night was actually a dress rehearsal for this scenario.

Me, Josie, Doug, and a couple other friends were hangin' out at Conker Hill, a bar in Hell's Kitchen. We went there cause we thought it was Trivia Night, an event we won a few weeks ago (it was our first time there, too!). Alas, for some unexplained reason it was cancelled last night, but we decided to have a few drinks anyway.

After we had bought a few rounds, the bartender offered to buy us back one.
"Not for me, thanks," I started, "I've had enough." I did have three Guinesses (Guinei?).
"Sorry, but I'm pouring for everyone," the bartender insisted.
That's when I got the idea...
"Okay, we'll have a Stella, a Bud Light, a Whisky Sour, and..." I leaned in, and whispered, "A Diet Coke."
"What was that?" The bartender asked, "A Diet Coke?!"
"Umm, yeah."

Of course, it didn't die there. When he came back with the drinks, he loudly asked, "Okay, who's got the Diet Coke, again?!?"

Rock On,

Aitch

The Gods Are Conspiring Against Me...

I'm so tired right now - Hooow Tiiiiired Are Yoooouuuu? - I'm so tired, I cant even be bothered to play Tetris on my new phone.

And it's really not a good time to be exhausted - tomorrow, I'm headed down to New Orleans for a bachelor party weekend (not mine).

As it is, the guys I'm going with are much bigger drinkers than I am. In fact, I can definitely see this scene playing out at around 11:30 PM on Saturday night at Razzoo's....

HARRIS walks up to BARTENDER.

Harris - I'll have seven Hurricanes and....

Harris leans in towards the bartender. Confused, the bartender leans in too...

Harris - (whispering)...and a diet coke.

Rock On,

Aitch