I Hate to Sound Like Everyone Else but....

So I went to this open mic competition at Sal's Comedy Hole last night. Actually, I thought it was an open mic type competition but someone told me that they have ringers in the finals (Ted Alexandro won last year).

Anyway, I hate to sound like everyone else but, the other comics were pretty bad. A couple were worth noting...

One guy came up to the stage wearing a cloth sack over his head with the eyes and mouth cut out. He had buttons sewn onto it and wearing a headband. Tucked into the headband were limp corn husks, which dangled around his head. He stomped on the stage and in a loud and extremely hoarse voice declared himself an alien that came here around the time of the Incas (or the Mayans, I forget, but does it really matter?). He took out a chocolate bar, claimed to have invented it and started eating it. He announced his intention to sing "The Chocolate Song," imploring us to sing along if we knew the words.
He started to stomp on stage while chanting "Chocolate!" every so often (I knew the words after one refrain). When not staring at him in shock, the other comics were glancing at each other with an "Is this fo' real?" look.

Awesome...next time you see me, ask for an impression...the dude who sits next to me cracks up every time I do it (and I've already done it 30 times this morning).

This other dude gets up...I know him from the scene. He's been at it for like 4 years or so - not passed at any major clubs, but he's generally somewhat funny. Weird guy though, sometimes he's cool, sometimes he's a ...well, not cool. Last night? Not cool.
After a couple of his jokes are met with blank faces (it's a freaking open mic, what does he expect?), he started berating the other comics.
"How dare you unfunny muthafuckers stare at me!"
"How many people come to see YOU perform?"
"This is insane...you have no idea how funny this is...YOU people staring at ME! This is a joke!"
"I don't why I do this shit!"

He went on for like half his allotted five minutes...just berating the crowd of comics for not laughing at his jokes. Couple of things here - 1) You'd think that having done this for several years he'd be used to the open mic scene. It's miserable, but whatever...we do it to get comfortable on stage. 2) If he was really good, he wouldn't have to do open mics...methinks someone's really just angry for not being funny enough, and best of all (to me) 3) After his harangue, he continued to tell some jokes...and the comics laughed! Jeez...show some self-respect. I don't laugh anyway, but if I was a laugher, there's NO WAY I'd let him intimidate me into laughing for him. Yes, it actually pissed me off that people started laughing for him.

Long story short (I know, too late), the MC, this really young, absolutely atrocious "comic" (he prefaced every joke he told with "I know this jokes no good, but I'm gonna tell it anyway" - at least he warned us)...he was the judge to pick the finalists. He picked two guys who worked at the club, one guy who was really funny, and one guy who MUSTA been a regular at their open mic cause I have no idea why he was selected. Absolutely brutal.

And to top the evening off, the rain soaked my pants...yes, the very pants I was bringing into the cleaners. Nevermind.

Rock On,

Aitch