Dinner WIth Mom - Part One

So here's the backdrop - on Thursday, my girlfriend cut my mom's hair at Bumble and Bumble (the salon she works at) - it was a free cut for my mom's birthday - mind you, mom normally gets her hair cut fer 15 bucks, my girlfriend's are about 150 - not to say her cuts are necessarily ten times better...i'm just sayin' is all.

Since i wasn't there, i can't comment in detail about how mom told my girlfriend that if I met my ex-wife now, we'd be "perfect" fer each other (btw - if that sounded familiar, it should since she was just reiterating what she told her that THE FIRST TIME THEY MET!... god help me).

So mom was gonna meet me in my apartment and wait fer my girlfriend, who was going to join us. The first thing I said was, "Look at you! Nice haircut! Do you like it?" Her response?

"Weelllllllll...it's goooooood," she said slowly and unsurely.

"Okay, whats the matter?"
"Well, you tell me. Look at the back," she said, turning around.
"I'm no expert but it looks fine to me," I replied and then continued, "What's wrong with it?"
"Well, my other girl tapers the back and leaves it longer. As you can see, the back is straight and much fuller."
"Maybe thats the difference between gettin' a 15 dollar haircut and a 150 dollar one."
"Maybe...should I say something to her?"

You'd think logically I'd say, "NO! DO NOT SAY ANYTHING!" but quite frankly, I knew that it didn't matter what I said, so I answered, "If you wanna, go ahead. I'm sure she can take it."

I was already lookin' forward to dinner...as was my stomach which was startin' to hurt..though methinks it may've just been my soon to be born ulcer.

So we've got over an hour to kill - i run out of conversation in 12 seconds - mom hasn't read my Ray Romano tale yet so I insist that she read it right there, thereby killing two birds with one stone - I figured she'd love it - she's always askin' why she's not in any of my stories and all - peeps love the stories that they can best relate to - she IS the story - how can she not relate?!? So I'm pretending to read GQ (new Sedaris story in it), while watching her out of corner of my eye - she giggles every once in a while but not nearly as much as I'd hoped for - when I see she's finished i immediately ask, "Well?!?"

She replies, "So exactly which part is supposed to be funny?"

I just sat there and we stared at each other for about ten seconds...

Let's move on before the vein in my forehead blows....

Next mom notices what a lovely sweater I had draped on my sofa...I tell her that my girlfriend gave it to me cause it was too big on her...
She looks at it and says, "Extra Large?!? Of course it's too big fer her."
I replied, "Well, it was prolly one of her ex-boyfriends." I know, I was askin' fer it.
Mom says, without missing a beat, "I hope you washed it."
"Nah...I just put it right on...apparently, he was a Drakkar Noir kinda guy."
"No really...I hope you washed it."
"I DID!"
"Okay, I just never know when you're kidding."

Why me?

So then she asks what she should get my girlfriend fer Christmas...
"She likes those good smelly candle thingies."
"Oh, great ...I'll get her those...oh wait...you dont leave them going when you go to sleep, do you?"
"Yes, we leave them on...and place them next to her wall made out of cardboard which we soak with lighter fluid."
"I know you're kidding but maybe thats not a good gift."
"Mom, we DONT leave them on!"
"I'd worry."
"Fine...dont get them...good grief."

TO BE CONTINUED (dinnertime!)

Rock On,

Aitch