Friday, February 27, 2009

Murder Post Part 2

Josie told me she googled our building and found out there was a murder/suicide there twenty years ago.

"Big deal," I said, "I'm pretty sure every building in New York's had at least one murder/suicide."

harris

Thursday, February 26, 2009

And When They Met...It Was Murder!

I have a gig, emcee'ing a show in Sugar Loaf, NY this Saturday night.

Sugar Loaf is one of those small, quaint towns where city folk go to get away from it all, staying at B & B's, going antiquing, maybe hitting a winery or two (or seven).

After checking the chamber of commerce website, I took a peek at what wikipedia had to say. This lil nugget caught my eye:

America's first murder-for-hire occurred on "Calamity Corners", at the intersection of Pine Hill and Hambletonian Roads.

Well, at least I know what I'm gonna open with.

harris

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Another Day In The Subway

Woman Trying to Get On - "Can you move into the center? I'd like to get on!"

Same Woman At The Next Station - "Why don't you people wait for the next train? There's no room in here!"


btw - I'm still in that contest - please vote for me daily right here. It literally takes two seconds (unless you're an idiot). Kirsten, a blogger who I recommend reading, wrote (and photoshopped) a lovely plea for me here.

harris

I'm Not Ashamed At All

Josie and I babysat for our friends' kid the other day. Josh et al made fun of me for having some female tendencies, like when we were hanging out in line for Last Comic Standing Auditions, he asked me if I wanted chips or something.
"Nah, I'd prefer to save my calories for chocolate."

Josie added how often times, when we're at a bar, we'll order drinks and when the bartender brings them to us, we have to switch, since they assume I wanted the beer and she wanted the Appletini.

harris

Monday, February 23, 2009

Parental Guidance

I was at this show the other night when the comic on stage noticed that there was a mother and her ten-or-so year old girl with her.

"Oh, I'm sorry, do you mind if I curse?" The comic asked.
The mother turned to her child and asked, "Do you mind if the comic curses?"

harris

p.s. please vote for me here daily - there is no registration required!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

This Is A Contest To Be In The Contest

Hey y'all,

Please vote for me here -

Actually, you can vote for me daily (for the remainder of February). If I get enough votes, I will be in a comedy competition at Caroline's Comedy Club.

Best of all, there's no registration required! Just click on vote!

Thanks!

harris

Friday, February 20, 2009

I Don't Even Know How To Slither

I was telling this new joke in my act to my cube-mates, hoping to hear what they thought of it, since it's a lil risque, given my "clean cut" kinda persona.

"You're clean cut?" Temp Dude was incredulous.
"Yeah, why, no?"
"I dunno...the way you slither in here all the time?"
"I slither?"

harris

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I Said I Could, Not That I Do

I like buying white dress shirts for work, not cause I'm old school, but cause I could wear the same shirt seventeen days in a row.

What?

harris

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Terrorists? Monkeys?

Due presumably to the economic downtown, people are sweating more, hence the "clinical strength" deodorants' sales are up.

Personally, I use Gillette's Triple Protection Deodorant. Never thought about this before, but what's with the "triple" part? I mean, it's protecting me (and others) against 1) sweat, 2) odor, and 3)?????

harris

This Is What I Deal With

I went early to an open mic last night, hoping that since it's "first come, first get up" I'd be able to leave early. Though the mic was scheduled to start at 7, as it always does, I got there at 6:10. The operative word being "scheduled."

Problem was, the room was double-booked, as a CD release party was going on (early cause it was a high-schooler). They had the room till 8:30. The comics were hoping that "Jeff," the guy who runs the mic would straighten things out when he arrived, which he did.

"Sorry guys," Jeff said, "The room was double-booked. Those who wanna wait, we'll do our mic when they leave."

I wouldn't have been so pissed if not for one thing - Jeff's the guy who books the room.

harris

Friday, February 13, 2009

Same As It Ever Was

I still listen to the same music I listened to in the '90's which is music from the '80's.

harris

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Vegas Baby

Though I haven't been there in a while, I love going to Vegas. Even just walking down The Strip. I mean, where else you gonna find a replica of New York, next to a replica of Paris, next to a replica of Venice?

It's like the cliff notes for the world.

harris

When You Don't Care To Send The Very Best

Saw this sign in a Duane Reade Window....

Looking closer....

If I was a woman, and my boyfriend bought me Russell Stover chocolate for V-Day, I'd wonder what he got his other girlfriend.

harris

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Naked Comedy Show

Out of curiosity, I dragged Mrs. Bloom out on Saturday night to catch the Naked Comedy Showcase.

The idea of a naked show is so odd that when Josie agreed to go, she thought it was meant in some figurative sense, as perhaps comics were baring their souls, or something. It doesn't. It is meant literally.

Even odder, this show attracts some really good comics, like Jared Logan and Roger Hailes, both recently seen on Comedy Central's Live at Gotham. That may be the oddest thing about comedy in general - you'd think that when you're on TV, you've made it, but not in comedy. Comics who've been on TV still take pretty much any gig they can land - I've seen them performing for five people in the basement of Moroccan restaurants, performing in laundromats for whoever will listen, and yes, naked. Can you imagine an actor* or musician performing naked?

Anyway, the host did his time talking about the fact he was naked. Having done this numerous times (he produces the show), he had it down pat.

Both Logan and Hailes did extremely well too, especially considering it was their first time doing it (My guess is they're friends who did it if the other would do it). After making a joke or two about the fact they naked, they just launched into their regular material.

The last comic I think was last just cause he came late as he wasn't a "headline" comic. Having done the show numerous times, he was pretty comfortable up there, and though I didn't find him as funny as the others, he did well. I wondered if the audience is more forgiving because the comic is so exposed up there?

At any rate, after the initial shock, the show really just became another comedy show... well, one that I'll never perform in.

harris

*In a role that does not require him/her to be nude (I hate that word, btw)

Monday, February 9, 2009

Why?!? WHY?!?!

Poltergeist is a great horror flick. I haven't seen it in a few years, until yesterday.

I never noticed how ridiculous Craig T. Nelson's little expository explosion is, during the climax. You know, when he screams at the developer...

You son of a bitch. You moved the cemetery, but you left the bodies, didn't you? You son of a bitch, you left the bodies and you only moved the head stones. You only moved the head stones. Why? Why?

Two things -

First of all, he yelled at the developer while his family is still trapped in the building. He tried to get in but exploding caskets impeded his way, and the door just closed shut on him. What kind of loving husband or father would do such a thing. He couldn't wait till it was over and write a strongly worded rebuke to the company?

Secondly, I took that quote off of imdb. But, to be honest, that quote is sorely lacking in punctuation. My title (for this post) is much better. Nelson actually sounds insane by the time he gets to "Why??!? WHY??!?!!?" It doesn't even sound like him.

Check it out (Nelson's rant is at the 3 minute mark, or so)

harris

Doing The Laundry

The apartment building that I live in has laundry in the basement. I was transferring clothes from the washer tot he dryer this morning when this woman felt the need to say, "Can you hurry up...I don't want to spend my day here."

I gave her a look, and slowed up. Cause I'm passive/aggressive that way.

What I wish I'd said was, "You don't?!? This is exactly what I like to do on my Sundays! In fact, I won a bet with my wife. I get to do laundry while she's upstairs forced to sleep late! I have friends having brunch at the diner but I told them that I'm not going cause I've been looking forward to doing laundry all week. I may even bring a lounge chair and an Appletini down here to better luxuriate in my whole laundry experience!"

I did snub her later in the elevator too, so umm, I guess that was something.

harris

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Warming Up The Crowd

My old comedy teacher never liked jokes about work.
"No one wants to be reminded about work at a comedy show," he'd say, "They're there to forget about work."

I thought about him last night, when the emcee of the show I was on asked the audience during her opening bit, "Anyone here lose their job? Anyone here think they may lose their job?"

I was afraid she'd follow it up by asking if anyone was recently diagnosed with cancer.

harris

Friday, February 6, 2009

My Mom and Ray Romano

Until about five years ago, my mom's best friend was Ray Romano's mom. Yes, that Ray Romano. When I tell people that, they usually say something like, "Cool!"

But no, it wasn't cool.

My mom talked so much about him, he practically became her third son. I can't say I blamed her, my boring 9-5 Accounting gig couldn't compare to Ray's glamorous Hollywood life that she go to hear about (and sometimes lived when she visited).

It wasn't exactly easy to impress mom with my $3,000 a year raise when he was getting $800,000 raises...per week. I got a promotion? He got an Emmy. I am 5' 10"? He's 6' 3". It never ended.

Actually, it did end.

And I got into comedy soon after my mom and his mom had a falling out.

Isn't that hilarious?

harris

Thursday, February 5, 2009

At The Doctor's

I could write a story about my day yesterday, but I'm not in the mood - so....

Thing Overheard Yesterday In The Waiting Room Of The Doctors Office

It's freezing in here.

We were supposed to see Annie Get Your Gun with another couple. I called them up. My friend's husband had a heart attack and died while getting dressed. We didn't see the show.

You shop at King Kullen? I dunno, I find the Jews in there are so nasty. They also have a lot of Salvadorians working there who don't speak English

My son had bladder cancer. He was operated on by the doctor who operated on Lorena Bobbitt. I mean, Lorena Bobbitt's husband, the one who lost his penis.

It's freezing in here.

Was his scrotum so sweaty that it dripped into his underpants?

Does your other son have a body like this one?

I'm going to Maine this weekend It's 14 below, but it's a dry cold.

It's freezing in here.

*Woman who is a descendant of the Doubleday publishing fortune talking about her husband, with him sitting there - You don't know the story, he curses me up and down, he's a cheat and a sneak. I wouldn't divorce him because my lawyer said I'd have to pay him alimony and I'd never give him any of my money. He can rot in hell for all I care.

This place could be a sitcom

harris

* If you couldn't guess, this woman was responsible for most of these quotes.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Windows 1, Harris 1

Last night we decided to finally hang our curtains in the living room... even though they looked lovely draped on a chair.

It took about a half hour, but I finally got the thingamajigs in the wall, and got the curtains up in one window (though not before having to redo it since I drilled in the thingamajigs too low).

The second window put up more of a fight.

The wall seemed to be allergic to the drill (or the screw) as it refused to allow entry, and when I put a lil extra power behind it, the wall started flaking off. And I cut my finger. After plastering the wall, and band-aiding my finger, I called it a night.

Tonight's Sudden Death.

Window #2, if you're listening...You're in for a world of pane!

ouch

harris

Monday, February 2, 2009

My Pal Hitler

My best friend (for a while) in college was a Neo-Nazi. He even had a swastika tattoo.

He wasn't one of those "kill the jews" Neo-Nazi's... not sure I could be friends with such a Neo-Nazi. He was in the more palatable "let's keep the races separate" camp of Neo-Nazism.

One time, we were in a punk club when I saw him on all fours on the (slam-)dance floor.
"What are you doing?"
"Keep it down but I lost my gun."

You'd think that if the whole Neo-Nazi thing didn't snuff out our friendship, that this would...but it strengthened it...at least from my point of view. I found hanging with such an outlaw of society somewhat exciting. I'd have conversations like this...

"...Yeah, so when I asked him what he was looking for, he was like, 'My Gun!' Can you believe that?!?"
"That's an interesting story. " Replied Dr. Tannenbaum. "Now keep your mouth open and say 'Ahhhh'."

I'd like to say that eventually I came to my sense and realized that this dude was a jerk, not worth my time. But I can't. We did stop hanging out, but it was only after he didn't pay me on a $5 bet.

I hate cheap Neo-Nazis.

(And they say we're cheap.)

harris

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Today's The Super Bowl!

I'm really looking forward to it. Josie and I are bringing cupcakes from here to the party.

Can't wait to eat them.

harris