I'm More Tired Than Lilly Von Schtupp*

Yeah, I'm exhausted.

Besides salacious personal details of my life that no one wants to hear about (ha), I had a rather busy weekend, culminating in my show Monday at Conker (see below).

The funniest part (since that's all yer gonna care about) is this show I did Sunday night. After a quick audition in Queens (Top of the food chain!) , I ran back into Manhattan (not literally) to host an open mic, and then had to run (again, not literally) downtown to the aforementioned show.

As I had warned the booker, I got there late, and arrived to see a comic performing for...the comics. Yup, there was no audience. I figured I'd stay since I made the trip down, support the other comics, do a quick five minutes (I was originally supposed to do ten, but if I was gonna go last, AND other comics were nice enough to stick around to watch me, I'd just do five).

When I got up (last), a couple of people strayed in from the bar to watch. So, I performed for two comics who stayed, and a woman from London and another from Haiti.
The booker left the room, making it impossible for me to get off the stage. When he came back (after about ten minutes), I said, "I think that's about enough," when he asked me to do five more minutes. "Ummm, ok." After a few more minutes, I pleaded, "Now?" "Do three more minutes."

Long story short (I know, too late), I ended up doing twenty plus minutes for four people, two of them comics.

How did I do? How do you think?

I killed (wink)

harris

* if you don't know, the Lilly Von Schtupp reference is from this. Shame on you for not knowing that.

Comedy at Conker - New Free Show In NYC (Hosted By Moi)

Maybe it's 'cause Cheers was a favorite TV show if mine, but I've always wanted a local a bar that I considered my bar. Fact is, I don't hang out in bars much since I'm not a big drinker so I figured it would never happen. But it did last year.

My wife, then girlfriend, Josie, and I started going to Conker Hill for their weekly trivia nights. I think she knew the owner from another bar he owned, or managed, or whatever.

Maybe it was cause we won the first three or so weeks we went, maybe it's due to the cool owner, or maybe it's the vibe, but we've been going ever since, even though we moved an extra forty blocks away.

At any rate, I (along with fellow comic Doug Adler) am starting a bi-weekly comic show there. The first show is this Monday, March 30th, at 8 PM.

Here's the group on Facebook - join for updates.

It's gonna be a great show at a great bar.

harris

Introducing Schlumpy McSchlumpy!

Last week I was part of a photo shoot for an article for The Onion.

Here's the article (with pic of me).

My hat's folded over, my coat looks two sizes too big....I look like an annoyed, somewhat well-dressed homeless person.

I think it's also in the print edition.

harris

The Cleaners

Josie's been asking since we got back from our honeymoon to bring her wedding dress to the cleaners. Well, this morning I finally got around to it. The lady behind the counter asked, "Is this a rush?"

"I hope not!"

harris

25 Facts About Me

1. I can't swim
2. I suffer from, sometimes acute, stage fright.
3. I can fold my tongue in half.
4. I liked classical music in high school, which really helped my popularity.
5. For the first week or two of college, I dressed (purposely) like Alex P. Keaton. I quickly gave that up.
6. I was a stockbroker (for the company that Boiler Room was based upon) for a few months out college, until I realized I couldn't sell worth a damn.
7. I own a CD by Chubb Rock.
8. I grew up on welfare.
9. I've had days where I've eaten nothing but chocolate and pizza.
10. I have about eight/nine cavities.
11. I've seen Depeche Mode in concert six times (perhaps more amazingly, I've seen Pop Will Eat Itself four times)
12. I was 16 when I started college.
13. I was s'posed to be on the TV show Bind Date, but every time the cameras started rolling, I got flop sweat. Eventually, the producers gave up.
14. My mom was best friends with Ray Romano's mom. I started stand-up soon after they stopped talking.
15. When I have computer access, I check my e-mail approx. every five minutes. Maybe sooner.
16. American Psycho is my favorite movie of all-time.
17. I don't remember all the lyrics to my favorite song of all-time (Don't Go Away Mad...Just Go Away) - used to, but now, don't care enough to bother.
18. I wish there was a law tightening the qualifications for someone calling themselves a comedian (I don't think I qualify).
19. I used to be friends with a neo-nazi (not a bad guy, actually, pretty funny).
20. I worry about worrying too much.
21. Most of the time, I don't care what others think of me. Most of the time.
22. I have such poor self-control that I told Josie to hide leftover chocolate.
23. Even though intellectually, I see no difference between someone who's passion is watching sports on TV as opposed to someone who's passion is anything more active, I can't help but think that the sports watcher is wasting his/her life away.
24. I am currently writing a book that marries my performance anxiety with my love of heavy metal, including chapters about my Blind Date disaster, working in a boiler room, my neo-nazi bud and Ray Romano.
25. My life-long dream came true on October 25, 2008, when I married Josie (not that I always dreamed of marrying someone named Josie, but someone like Josie).

harris

After Thinking About It, They're Right... D'oh!

I responded to an ad looking for an actor for a very short film. In it, a high school senior going to his prom is picking up his date for the evening and ends up in a conversation with her dad.

After the producers wrote back, saying they'd like me to try-out, I re-thought my interest.

"I'm not sure I'm right for this... I mean, the father has to look like he can have a 17-18 year old daughter."

The answer cam quickly..."No, you definitely look the part."

dammit.

Harris

Overheard in New York

I think only in New York (and L.A.) would you overhear a conversation like this...

I was sitting in a Dunkin' Donuts next to two really young models. Through the window, we saw a fifty-or-so person march pass by, protesting POW violation sin Iraq. As part of the protest, there were some hooded "prisoners," chained together and wearing orange jumpsuits.

One of the models asked the other, "Are those really prisoners?"
"I dunno...how would they get approval to march?"

The first one's phone rang. It was about some photo shoot. After hanging up, she asked her friend, "How do you dress golth?"
"Golth?"
"Yeah, I'm supposed to dress golth."
"Did they mean Goth? Or golf?"
"What's golf?"
"You know, the sport with the clubs?"
"Yeah, that's probably what they said...the shoot's for Adidas," and after thinking about it for a second, added, "Can I still wear black?"

harris

I May Be The Only Motley Crue Fan In Manhattan

Last night, I saw Motley Crue at Madison Square Garden. I think even The Garden was embarrassed to be hosting them as usually, when a big name is there, they'll advertise it on their huge board (U2 TONIGHT!) - Last night, the board mentioned that MSG is the home of the WNBA's New York Liberty.

Looking over the crowd, I'd say they haven't found a new fan since 1992. Lotta 40 year olds still shouting at the devil...some even brought young children.

Anyway, I was ready to rock out...

And so was Josie (though she's more of a pensive rocker)...

How was the concert? Well, good and bad - they played most of their hits (Shout at the Devil, Dr. Feelgood, Kickstart My Heart, etc) but Vince only sang about 65-70% of them. The audience filled in the blanks. I'm not sure if Vince couldn't sing them anymore due to his throat, or if he forgot the lyrics (he is pushin' 50). His dancing moves reminded me of someone trying to dance to a Jane Fonda owrkout tape. He also took a few breaks backstage during extended guitar solos, prolly to nap. But I will say that when singing, his voice sounded fine.

During one of the breaks, someone behind me shouted "TITTYCAM!!!"

Josie asked me if that was a song of theirs (she's not a fan). "Um, no, he's hoping the overhead cameras point at women, hoping they'll flash them."

I was pleasantly surprised with the quality of the songs from their new album they played, Saints of Los Angeles, and Muthurfucker of the Year.

There were a lot of 80's-esque stage pyrotechnics, which always brought renewed howls from the crowd, and the concert ended with cannons shooting out confetti during the Home Sweet Home encore.

Unlike every other concert I've been to, we got on the 2 train...alone. I guess Motley Crue has no fans who live in Manhttan, they were all apparently heading to the outer boroughs and Jersey.

Whereever they live, I'm pretty sure all the MF'ers went home happy.

harris

Facebook Status Updates

I'm "friends" with a lot of comics on facebook. Quite frankly, I can't believe how many leave the most inane who-the-heck-cares status updates, like, "Susan just woke up and she is drinking hazelnut coffee."

I was thinking about leaving slightly more dramatic updates, like...

Harris just shot and killed two pedestrians on 73rd and Amsterdam.

Harris is choking on an apple...help....someone!!!!

Harris just mugged an old lady...easy pickin's!!!!!

harris

Can I Have A Bag For My Bag?

My doctor gave me a whole tray of samples of this medication. I told him, "Can I have a bag for this? I'm going to work and I don't want everyone there to be wondering 'What the heck is wrong with Harris?!?'"

This is what he gave me:

harris

Paying Extra For Variety

This has always bothered me...

I can understand cashews and almonds being more expensive than peanuts but shouldn't a "mix" be priced somewhere in between, like $1.50? (the bag is the same size)

harris

Rip Van Winkle Woulda Woken Up

I emceed the early show at Gotham Comedy Club on Saturday night. Afterwards, I headed out to Jersey to help Josie babysit her niece and twin year-old nephews.

I was looking forward to the hour-long train ride to relax a bit after the stress of running the show and before the insanity of being in the house with three kids. But it was not meant to be...

The train was packed with twenty-year olds who were partying in Hoboken, where they had their annual St. Patrick's Day Parade and Drunken Idiot Gathering.

Turned out, that was the least relaxing part of my weekend.

harris

Thanks!

Just wanted to thank all of you who voted for me for this, especially, Kirsten and The Unfinished Rambler, who used the power of their blogs to propel me to victory (well, along with 57 others).

Anyway, thanks (first round of the tourney is this Wednesday at Caroline's Comedy Club)

Harris

Stupid Question

I was in the supermarket yesterday and got to wonderin'...

How do the apples on the bottom ever get purchased?

Is someone in charge of tilling the apples?

harris

30 Minutes Of Fame

It appears as though Melissa Rycroft, the bachelorette that Jason Meznick (hiss! boo!) spurned after the end of The Bachelor will be on Dancing With The Stars.

When asked why she was doing it, she replied, "I was afraid America would forget about me so I decided to whore myself out as quickly as possible."

btw - reading about Jason and Molly's joint appearance on Ellen, I can't say I like him any more, but I do dislike her more. So, uh, well done Mol!

harris

One Line Movie Review

Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist sucked.

That is all.

harris

Pink Dolphins

Apparently world's first "Shockingly" Pink Dolphin has been spotted. If nothing else, I think General Mills should add them to their Lucky Charms cereal mix.

At trivia last night, our team was split over what to call our team. The winner was "Hope May Float But NFL Players Don't" (there were three team names with plays on that tragedy - it's a very mean league) but a couple members of our team thought it was too mean.

In honor of them, perhaps next week we can be "The Pink Dolphins." (Though I'd prefer, "Pink Dolphins Also Taste Like Chicken")

harris

Truth In Advertising

Saw this in store window on way to work...

Probably the finest shoes in the world?

When asked, the owner responded, "Well, I've seen a lot of shoes...not enough to definitively answer that they are the best, but enough to say they are probably the best."

harris

Yup, They Suck

About a third of the people who found my blog through my Bachelor posts , did so by typing in either "The bachelor sucks" or "jason meznick sucks" (never mind that he spells it "mesnick")

btw - here are some apparently unedited emails between Melissa and Jason after. Click here.

First of all, it seems like Melissa got screwed twice - once by Jason, and then by her friend who sent these to Access Hollywood or where ever... unless Melissa is actually a part of this "leak," which shows her being strong, not a bad idea. Josie thinks the whole thing may be set up, which I can't rule out either. That's the thing with "reality" tv.

harris

The Bachelor - After The Final Rose: Part 2 - Where Jason Meznick sucks even worse

Okay, maybe the last part wasn't in the title, but it shoulda been.

So, yeah, as I said I would, I watched.

Had to see the train wreck come to it's screeching halt. My only regret is that it didn't take place after the first "After The Final Rose" aired (this was taped Friday, I believe) so the people involved would see how much everyone pretty much despises Jason Mesnick, and, to a lesser extent, Molly.

My favorite parts -

1 - Molly admitting that what people are saying bothers her - the funny thing about that is that all people had to go on were rumours, as this was filmed before the first one aired - I assume that this morning, she is in bed, curled up in the fetal position.

2 - "You hadn't seen each other since New Zealand." - How many freakin' times did Chris Harrison, Molly, and Jason have to tell us that - I had heard there were pics of Jason in Michigan, but at the very least, I refuse to believe they didn't text, e-mail, etc. Who in their right mind would believe that he was gonna dump Melissa and then possibly get rejected by Molly on national TV? We're not stupid.

3 - Jason seemed to indicate that he knew when he was walking Molly to the limo that he'd made a mistake (based on what she told him).

Huh?

First of all, I'll assume that was edited out as all we saw was her saying, "You're making a huge mistake!" Secondly, and this reinforces my thoughts from yesterday, how can he ask Melisa to marry him if he was suddenly having doubts?

4 - Stephanie seems to get creepier every time I see her. Not only did she somehow bring back her ordeal, by equating it with Jason's tribulations, but she spent her airtime apologizing for Jason. Awesome. Goodbye Stephanie (she strikes me as the kind of person who corrects anyone who calls her "Steph.")

5 - This is really "my least favorite part," but after Harrison read a statement from Melissa, Jason had to add his crap again, about how "she's the best," while sounding as if they told him to sound as condescending as possible.

This is why Jason never shoulda proposed to Melissa: They were doomed to fail. Fact is, no matter how great their relationship may've been, when he admitted to being in love with two people, you can't help but wonder what life may be like if he chose the other one (the old "grass is also greener" argument), so I'm not surprised that he couldn't really give Melisa any real answer or closure, cause it prolly wasn't her, it was him.

Anyway, that's it for Jason Meznick and The Bachelor...now, and forever (and yeah, that includes The Bachelorette - sorry Jillian Harris - great name though).

harris

The Bachelor Sucks (The show and Jason Mesnick, the guy)

Last night was the finale. As spoilers had us believe, Jason dumped Melissa, the woman he proposed to in the last episode, and asked Molly, the woman he spurned for Melissa, to take him back!

In pro wrestling, there are two types of bad guy - 1 - The kind that are just good at being despicable, so you root against them, and 2 - The kind that are so annoying, they make you wanna turn off the TV.

I'm afraid Jason Meznick, and the people behind The Bachelor fall into the latter category. Why? Let me count the ways...

1. He asked someone to marry him when he said he was in love with someone else as well (There was a precedent for no rings being given).

2. There are pics out there of Jason visiting Molly during the holidays, making last night's episode a sham (Her acting was pretty bad).

3. Jason trying to reason on Jimmy Kimmel's show last night that he was contractually obligated to dump Melissa on national TV (What would they do if he refused? Sue him? ABC would get killed publicity-wise).

4. Jason let Ty (his son) meeting his new mommy, and then, umm, un-meeting her.

5. After dumping Melissa, he had no problem making out with Molly on TV.

Anyway, that's the last Bachelor-related post I'll ever make as I'm through with the show.

As an added bonus of not watching, I'll never have to hear someone say "amazing" thirty times in an hour.

UPDATE: Josie tells me she will be watching tonight's AFTER THE WHATEVER IT'S CALLED - so, I guess I will too...and blog about how disgusted I am manana.

harris

p.s. if anyone's interested, here's my only other Bachelor related post (actually Bachelorette).

p.p.s. I just posted my thoughts on "After The Final Rose: Part 2" here, so check that out.

Um, Yeah, It Is Tough (I Assume)

They are trying to reconfigure our office at work. The contractor was looking around the office and said to me, "You don't have much light. It must be tough to work at night."

My cube-mate and I smiled at each other.

harris

We'll Even Throw In All Our Shares Of AIG

I had a show this weekend in Sugar Loaf, NY, a town that time, or at least GPS, forgot. Actually, Josie and I had a fun weekend there, except for the fact that the GPS didn't recognize Sugar Loaf, NY.

Anyway, while there, we checked out a Real Estate Buyers Guide. In it, Josie noticed that a lot of the houses were offered for sale with "trade" being an option, as in, "$400,000 or trade!"

That's pretty awesome, we thought, as we don't have any cash, but we'd definitely be willing to part with our seashell collection. And a fur pelt.

harris