Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Don't Ask

Sometimes I wish Terry Tate visited my office.

harris

I Wonder What Their Thoughts Are On The Bank Bailouts

I was in the gym last night, eavesdropping on two Latino guys talkin'....

#1 - Yo, you see the prime minister dude from Israel on TV?
#2 - Nah...what'd he say?
#1 - He was all like, "You guys started this shit...we got more ammo, we got more people...we gonna finish it.
#2 - Fo' real?
#1 - Yeah, Israel's totally gangsta.
#2 - Word...I don't know why those other countries mess with them...they jus' gonna get phucked up.
#1 - Word... they don't even deal with terrorists holding hostages. They just let them die.
#2 - Gangsta...totally gangsta.

harris

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Tucker Max Face

My friend lent me Tucker Max's book, "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell." For those of you not aware of it, or him, he's gotten rich writing about his drunken sexcapades. Frat boys love him...the rest of the world hates him.

My thoughts? Eh...one story is entertaining...a whole book of them is redundant. I read a few stories before putting it down for good. I will say he's got a way with words (as do his friends), I just wish he had more to say (but then he wouldn't be "Tucker Max").

Due to his "frat boy following," I was so embarrassed to be reading it on the subway that I made this face to display my disapproval...

harris

Monday, December 29, 2008

Chocoholics

You know you have a problem when you have twelve Reese's Peanut Butter Cup wrappers at the bottom of your garbage...in the bathroom.

harris

My New Gimmick: The Witness Protection Comic

Did a show last night in the back of a bar.

Since the place was lit from the front of the room, the comics' faces were shadowed but the audience was clearly visible.

I felt like I was in the witness protection program.

harris

Saturday, December 27, 2008

If Only She'd Been Born Fifteen Years Earlier

As we put the movie in the mail to go back to Netflix, Josie mentioned how great it would be if Netflix had an actual store so we could return the movie and get another one immediately.

"Congrats," I said, "You just invented Blockbuster."

harris

Friday, December 26, 2008

Picture This (Cause It's Funnier)

I think there is such a thing as going a little overboard with the whole "energy conservation" thingy.

For example, the lights in the bathroom of my wife's workplace are motion sensitive. This sounds reasonable until I tell you that they are on a five minute timer AND it only registers motion outside the stalls.

So, if yer in a stall for more than five minutes, you have to open the door and flail about to get the lights back on.

harris

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Growing Up - Act Two (Bless You)

Mom wanted us to have gifts for every day of Chanuka, even though we didn't have much money. By the eighth day, we were getting things like tic tacs and cans of baked beans.

harris

Loud Neighbors

Living in NYC apartments for the last fifteen years, I've heard my fair share of my neighbors arguments, like last night. What was different about this one was the subject matter....

"What do you want me to do?!?"
"It's disgusting!"
"I couldn't make it to the bathroom!"
"You could at least clean the floor!"
"I thought I got it all...I thought it only got on my shoes!"

nasty

harris

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Yup, Things Are Slow

Here's Temp Dude "working"...

harris

This Sounds Like A Dare


Try This With Doug Adler (Then Tell Him Starbucks Is Your Fave Coffee)

Wanna piss off a chocolate snob?

Tell him /her that your favorite chocolate is "white chocolate."

Faster than you can say, "I know, it's not really chocolate," they'll let you know in uncertain terms that white chocolate isn't chocolate at all.

Then tell them that you don't care cause as far as you're concerned, white chocolate is like vanilla, butter, and Heidi Klum had a threesome.

When you see steam coming out of their ears, tell them you are kidding. And that your favorite chocolate is actually that which is made by Russell Stover.

Go ahead.

harris

Monday, December 22, 2008

A Comic's Least Favorite Saying...

"Live and let live."

harris

"Ma'am...Why Is Your Coffee Table Bubbling?"

My bro and I were hysterical thinking about this yesterday...

Growing up, we weren't allowed to have a washer/dryer in our apartment. But we got one anyway. Problem was when something in our apartment needed fixing and maintenance had to come over, we had to somehow hide it. So, mom would wheel the combo in front of our couch, throw a cloth over them, and pretend it was a coffee table, never mind that this coffee table was well higher than the sofa, so high, that you woulda had to crane your neck to watch the TV.

The maintenance guys never said anything, not cause they didn't notice, I mean, how couldn't they?* I'm sure it was more cause like everyone, they prolly hated their bosses, so by letting us stick it to them, so were they. Besides, we didn't tell when they smelled like alcohol.

harris

* I woulda loved to have heard, "Ma'am, I think your coffee table has just entered the spin cycle."

Goals

My goal going forward is to take my passion and make it happen.

Right now, my passion is eating chocolate.

harris

Friday, December 19, 2008

Since I Know You're Going To Ask...

Marriage is treating us well, thanks.

harris

Too Early To Call It A Trend But...

(originally posted on a blog for comics)

I've seen three "comics" at open mics over the past few weeks make some sort of "The Jews are to blame for the economy" jokes (without any kind of punchline, natch'). Unfortunately, every time I've heard it, I already had my stage time, so I sat in silence. I didn't walk out as I firmly believe everyone who spends their five bucks has a right to say whatever he/she wants and besides, I'm always curious how the other comics in the crowd respond (usually with silence, mixed with nervous laughter)

If I were to go up after one of those rants, I'd bring up how bizarre it is that no one was praising the Jews during the boom times... I don't think I've ever heard anyone say, "Man, thank God for the Jews... this economy is awesome!" - and if yer gonna say that YOU didn't profit during the economic expansion, maybe it's time to look in the freakin' mirror and see that maybe it aint the Jews but yourself.

Before anyone tells me, "sure, you think that, you're a jew who walks into open mics in a suit, probably with some wall street job," lemmee tell ya...you're right. I am and i do...I also grew up on welfare in a single-parent home, lived with my mom and bro in a one-bedroom apartment till I was about 20, and went to the closest college to my mom's apartment cause I couldn't afford a car.

So spew all ya want, you paid yer money, but if yer wondering why I'm looking at you like you're a loser, well, now you know.

harris

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Right Now It's Half-Empty

The good news is someone found my blog yesterday.

The bad news is they found it by googling, "Comedian Doug Adler."

harris

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

To The Victor Goes The Lame Prize

I won my holiday office raffle yesterday - my prize?

A weekend getaway to... (hold for it)...

Tarrytown NY!!

For those of you not familiar with NY, Tarrytown is in Westchester, NY - not twenty miles from Manhattan (where I live).

Not only that, but it's in a Sheraton - awesome.

Our plan is to take the train there, check in, rent a car, and drive to Manhattan to have fun.

harris

Taking Stock Of My Life

This morning I was brushing my teeth when I suddenly stopped, and took a look at myself in the mirror...a really good look. For like fifteen seconds. And it hit me...

One of my sideburns was longer than the other

harris

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Daydreaming At The Gym - Part Two

"Excuse me, but you look familiar."
"I'm a comedian. Maybe you've seen me at a club."
"Maybe...I'm not sure if it's the bump on your head or your poorly shaven face, but you definitely have a look."
"Thanks?"
"I work for CBS...would you like a sitcom?"
"I guess."

harris

Monday, December 15, 2008

Daydreaming At The Gym

"Excuse me, but I work for a modelling agency, and we've been searching high and low for balding, bespectacled, hairy-backed, small-headed models who are slightly pudgy in the midsection but have decent muscle tone otherwise."

harris

Friday, December 12, 2008

Yesterday

harris

Thursday, December 11, 2008

What's Next Week? The Jonas Brothers?

I recently saw the new Citibank commercial. For those who aren't familiar with it, and don't feel like clicking on the click, it features two guys sneaking down to better seats at a Nickelback concert.

I think the spot is more realistic is played in reverse, with them sneaking into worse seats.

harris

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

My Big Break?

I heard that the Screen Actors Guild may be going on strike. If they do, I'm gonna find out what roles Stanley Tucci was up for...and steal them.

harris

Or Even The Rockford Files...

As mentioned two posts ago, Josie and I went to an independent publisher's book fair. Here are some thoughts I had while there....

- One of the vendors was eagerly selling Rubik's Cube solutions as a holiday gift - I checked my watch to make sure I was still in 2008.

- Speaking of, everyone tried to sell their wares as the perfect holiday gift. Based on his offerings, I assume one vendor thought everyone had Marxist friends who'd be interested in the coming rise (re-rise?) of the Soviet Empire.

- Another was selling sonnets, most of which had to do with old tv show, Hawaii Five-0. I told the guy he mighta had a sale if only he had a thing for Barnaby Jones.

- Several of the exhibitors had a tray of candy to welcome visitors. I always felt guilty taking anything when I knew I wasn't gonna buy anything. Except at the table that had mini Raspberry Three Musketeers. Unlike their seventeen books about 9/11 conspiracy theories, I couldn't be expected to pass up that deliciousness.

- I did feel kinda bad passing by everyone's table, without buying (we did buy two books - viva small presses!), but one was particularly tough.

I recognized a book I had bought at this fair two or three years ago - when I mentioned it to the author, he said, "Great! Here's the sequel!"
I responded, "Yeah, I see," took a quick look at it, smiled, and walked away.

harris

Oh, How The Mighty Have Fallen

I told Josie, a Yankee fan, that it looks like the Yanks signed prized free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia.
She replied, "He'll probably suck."

harris

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Ugh

So Josie and I went to a Small Independent Publishers book fair on Saturday. I'll write more about it tomorrow, but I think my "favorite" part was during a seminar when an agent was talking about memoirs, specifically James Frey, and invoked the phrase "creative memoirs."

Someone in the audience asked, "What's the difference between a memoir and a creative memoir?"

harris

Thanksgiving (With The Mennonites) Pictures...