Reports of my Demise MAY be Greatly Exaggerated

So I had my annual physical yesterday (annual means "I go when something hurts," right?). I'm not sure if my doc is squeamish, apathetic, stupid, or if he just doesn't care.

He asked me if I'm having safe sex - I sheepishly responded, "Well, I'm umm, sorta having unprotected sex with my girlfriend." (Note: She is on pill)
"Just her though, right?"
"Yeah?"
"That's okay, then."

Huh?

I hope he doesn't give lectures to sex-ed classes....

Doc - "The fact is class, as long as you're monogamous with your partner, you can have all the unprotected sex you want!"
Student - "But isn't it possible that you unknowingly may have something or maybe your partner has some STD?"
Doc - "Well, you've had unprotected sex, right?
Student - "Right."
Doc - "And you're clean, right?"
Student - "Right."
Doc - "There ya go."
Student - "There what goes?"
Doc - "Any more questions?"

While he's giving me the exam, I kept waiting for the "doctor reach around" (you know what I mean) - but he never went for it. My prostate could be equivalent to an angry grapefruit, ready to burst with toxic flavor and he'll never know.

Also, memo to self: Shave chest hair before getting EKG - not only did Nurse Ratchet have to keep pressing the thingys into my chest to get a reading, but taking them off felt like I was getting shot nine times. I know how Fiddy felt.

I wonder if he cried too?

Rock On,

Aitch

Aitch sez...

Former boxer Roberto Duran's nickname was "Hands of Stone."

Good thing he discovered boxing as he failed at his first job as a massage therapist.

Rock On,

Aitch

"She Obviously Doesn't Know Me"

After my last show, my mom told me that Josie's a "sweet little girl."

This was after Josie and my mom had these conversations over the past couple of weeks -

mom: are you going to the dog park show?
josie: um, no i don't think so...
mom: why not? what kind of supporter are you?
josie: something partially inaudible but i think along the lines of "a half-assed one" (delivered of course in deadpan fashion then followed by a smirk)
mom:[blank stare]
josie: just kidding...

and

Mom was talking about her friend's cat who wouldn't leave her alone, Josie made the point that cats have a weird way of sensing cat-dislikers and following them around...

mom: so, do you think the cat was trying to get me to like him?
josie: [shrug]
mom: well, what was i gonna do, have s*x with him? do you think he wanted me to have sex with him?
josie: well, if that's what it takes...
mom: [blank stare]

Rock On,

Aitch

Aitch sez...

The best way to find out if your girlfriend is high-maintenance emotionally is to say "Yes" when she asks you if she is high-maintenance emotionally.

Rock On,

Aitch

Dinner with the Goose-Stepping Niece

So last weekend Josie's parents, bro, sis-in-law and niece ventured into the city for dinner to celebrate her bro and sis-in-law's birthday.

We got them a serving dish, purchased at Crate and Barrel, just 'round the time that Kentucky was busy stunning LSU in college football, but I digress....(stop rolling your eyes!)

They came in early so we all could walk through Food Emporium (a supermarket) together.

Huh? Why would the seven of you make the effort to walk through a Food Emporium?

You see, Josie's bro, Joel, works as an architect (or is it an engineer?) - and his firm recently remodeled that supermarket.

ANYWAY, the seven of us ambled though, checking out the walls, ceilings and display cases as if we were walking though The Sistine Chapel. The employees must've thought we were tourists that got lost.

Naturally, as we walked from aisle to aisle, I felt the need to make several comments - Actually, their father also made comments. Let's see if you can guess who made which comments...(keep in mind, their father speaks with an Italian accent) -

1 - You did good job...vedy nice.
2 - Are those bananas over there, or is that display case just happy to see me?
3 - This tile ...is vedy nice.
4 - Since ya pretty much saved their business, ya think I can take a peach?
5 -
6 - Look...they give you the nutritional info for the popcorn, popped...and unpopped. Who the heck is eating unpopped popcorn?!? I mean, I'm lazy, but I'm not THAT lazy! Thank you...try the veal!!

While leaving, Josie and her niece were walking hand in hand. I couldn't help but notice that The Niece was walking in an exaggerated manner with her legs stiff. That's right, she was goose-stepping like a midget Luftwaffe officer! I woulda loved to see what would've happened had she asked Josie to join her in her Ode to The Third Reich.

On the way to the restaurant, we were stopped on a street corner due to an ambulance whizzing by, siren blaring. I thought that woulda been a great time to explain "death" to The Niece, but Josie disagreed. The look on her face suggested that she's worried about my parenting skillz. Whatever...

We ate at Cara Mia. Thought I'd ingratiate myself with The Fam by ordering Priest Stranglers. No, I'm not kidding. Never hard of it, but it's the name of a type of pasta. I chose those over the Rabbi Bludgeoners and the Minister Strike with a Lead Pipers.

The service was a bit slow and when dishes started piling up at one end of our table, her father started handing me dishes. Not realizing he wanted me to just put them on end of table (he didn't say anything), I just stared at him with a confused look while holding plates. In fact, when Josie spoke to her mom on phone, her mom asked why I looked "confused." She also mentioned that Joel wants to get a few drinks in me so they can find out the "real" me.

I'll have to take one of those pills that Batman (or was it Austin Powers) took to avoid feeling the effects of alcohol.

Rock On,

Aitch

A Prisoner in my Own Building

A few Saturday's ago, after taking Stewie to the dog run, I brought him back and went out to get coffee. On my way out of the building, I asked the doorman if he wanted anything at the deli.
"Yes, coffee."
I stopped, and asked, "Anything in it?"
"Milk and sugar...thanks."

Though I didn't think he was gonna actually say "Yes," I didn't consider it a big deal. I didn't even think it was big deal when he didn't even offer to reimburse me when I got back. I mean, I woulda offered to pay but hey, I'm not everybody (which is good since then, EVERYONE would be awesome).
The next morning...same thing. I asked the doorman, and he said, "Yeah, coffee." And once again, though he thanked me, didn't offer any money.

Now, I ain't one of those rich Upper West Side types - the next benefit I do may be for myself. I figured if I kept getting him coffee every weekend morning, that would be over a hundred bucks a year...and that just ain't happenin'...so I've started to leave my building through the side entrance, avoiding the doorman.

It's that or pretending I'm reading a newspaper as I leave as I am NOT having this conversation 'round the holidays...

"Ummm, yeah, you must be wonderin' why I gave the other doormen 40 bucks each but nothing for you. No, you were great. Seriously, I barely had to touch a door. Well, there was that one time when you were giving directions to that Mexican kid delivering food to the wrong building but that was no big deal. What? Oh, that was in April. Yeah, I know, I do have a good memory...but again, that's not why I didn't give you any bonus. No, I swear. Why? It's because of the coffees I got every weekend for you...I mean it adds up, ya know? It's like a buck and a quarter every coffee...I know, you didn't ask for large but I thought you'd think I'm cheap if I got you small since you didn't specify. So it was a buck and a quarter times two, the weekend, times fifty two...every weekend. No, it's more than a hundred ten, it's more like a hundred thirty bucks. No, it is, I know cause I umm, did the math. See? Here...I have the tape from my adding machine. Really? You'd rather have the cash than the coffee? Okay, well, now I know for next year. And in the meantime, pretend I didn't give you a bonus cause of that incident with the Mexican kid...cause that was fucked up."
Rock On,

Aitch

Comics for Canines: UNLEASHED (Summary)

Quite frankly, I was rather nervous all day. Not only was I gonna do dog-run specific material I had written for the show, but I think having 100 people in the audience that I know is a little scarier than performing for perfect (or imperfect) strangers. Not only that but I had several of my comic friends on the bill, and no one wants to bomb in front of their buds.

And then at 4:30 PM, one of my headliners cancelled, which is probably a producer's worst nightmare (other than getting hit by a car on the way to the show). After talking to a few comic friends, I decided to give the comics booked a few extra minutes (and thankfully, I really had three headline quality comedians).

So I was onstage, launching into my dog run material...and I forgot it. Seriously...after one of my jokes, I totally forgot what came next (besides sweat). Thankfully, I had the wherewithall to (seamlessly?) launch into my normal MC fake crowd work material ("Any college students here? Well, I went to Queens College...Any birthdays? Well, I just had a birthday...")

Anyway, I did well, even with the beads of sweat pouring down my face. To be honest, it woulda been difficult for me NOT to do well, as everyone there was there to see me (and support our dog run). I prolly coulda taken a crap onstage and got applause.

The real stars of the show were the comics who followed: Joe DeVito, Jill, Twiss, Doug Adler, Robin Fox (who I pulled off the street), Josh Homer, Mick DiFlo, Bernadette Pauly and Jim Mendrinos (who did 25 minutes through the check spot).

Seriously, every one of 'em did well, some (Joe, Josh, Robin and Bernie) killed.

I can't thank you guys enough (actually, that is prolly enough right there) for doing the show - I got tons of "thank you's" from the dog run people - EVERYONE had a great time and they're already looking forward to next year's show.

My next benefit show will prolly be in January. The beneficiary and location will be announced shortly.

Aitch

p.s. thanks to Al Wagner for hangin' too.

Whipped (Already?)

On Saturday, I missed most of the LSU-Kentucky game cause I was walking the aisles at Williams-Sonoma and Crate and Barrel looking for the perfect serving dish for Josie's brother and sis-in-law.

Talk about a Walk of Shame.

btw - I think just to screw up my future kid's life, I'm gonna name him Miles - but I'm not gonna spell it that way, and not "Myles" either. No, I'm gonna spell it Maisles. He'll have to tell everyone "No, it is Maisles but it's spelled with an M, than then aisles...no, not like the Emerald Isles... aisles like supermarket aisles." (Pause) "You're right, my parents are dicks."

Rock On,

Aitch

A Different Kind of Audition

Josie has moved in for October. Well, she's moved in for two daze, then she's off to Ireland for a week, and then back here for the rest of October. So far we're doing good...well, there was this "thing" that occurred last night. She woke me up sometime around 3 AM....

"What did you put on my waist?"

"Huh?" I asked, groggy, yet curious where she was going with this. I assumed that she was playin' some game.

"I said, 'What did you put on my waist?'" She answered, tinged with anger.

"I didn't, I didn't, umm, put anything on your waist." She then turned over and went back to sleep.

I went back to sleep too... after I put a knife under my pillow.

She didn't remember it when we woke up.

This could get interesting.

Rock On,

Aitch