The Garden of Eatin'

I'm not religious at all. In fact, I'm currently thinking about naming my first child Christian....Christian Bloom has a certain ring to it. And the look on my mom's face alone may be worth it.

But I do fast on Yom Kippur. Why I fast, isn't important. What is important, for this story anyway, is that I accompanied Josie and her family (non, dad, bro, bro's wife, niece) for a day of apple-picking on this particular Yom Kippur.

Josie asked me if I thought it would be a problem, picking apples while unable to eat them.
"Unless we're picking candy apples, I'll be fine," I responded.

And I was... there's no way Eve woulda been able to tempt me with an apple. She woulda had to drape it in caramel.

I was fine throughout our apple-picking adventure, in fact, being active kept my mind off food (even if I was picking food off trees). It was after we were finished that I realized my stomach was growling. Apparently, even those who had breakfast were hungry as they decided to stop at a local cafe for lunch.

"But I'm fasting today, and can't eat," I pleaded.
"Well, that's not our problem!" The Christians said at once. And then they laughed like jackals (assuming jackals have deep and hearty laughs).

Okay, maybe I didn't say that and they didn't laugh but that's how it felt.

So there I was, at a table for ten (her bro's friend, friend's wife, and their child had joined us). I sat next to Josie and across from her brother. He ordered a cheeseburger. She felt bad for me so she simply ordered a steak salad with gorgonzola cheese. Notice how not only did they order delicious, mouth-watering lunches, but they were both not kosher. Though I dont keep kosher, they were obviously sending a message. My head was getting a bit foggy but I knew that this was no accident.

During lunch, Josie's anti-Semitic three year old niece climbed onto Josie's lap. Then she kicked me. Josie claims that her niece was just being cranky and it was an accident but I know better. And I'm sure her niece does too.

On the drive back, I was extraordinarily tired and tried to keep from falling asleep in the back of her parent's car. Couldn't do it as Josie later informed me that I was sleeping with my mouth wide open. At least no one else saw me...well, except for her bro and everyone in his car as he mentioned that when they passed us, he saw me passed out, mouth agape. At least I didn't snore. At least I don't think I did.

When we got back, her dad started eating a banana. Unable to contain my outrage any longer, I had to speak up.

"We just got back from lunch and you're eating a banana?!? Are you doing this just t torture me?!?"

He said something about still being hungry, but I know better. And I'm sure he does too.


Rock On,

Aitch