The Garden of Eatin'

I'm not religious at all. In fact, I'm currently thinking about naming my first child Christian....Christian Bloom has a certain ring to it. And the look on my mom's face alone may be worth it.

But I do fast on Yom Kippur. Why I fast, isn't important. What is important, for this story anyway, is that I accompanied Josie and her family (non, dad, bro, bro's wife, niece) for a day of apple-picking on this particular Yom Kippur.

Josie asked me if I thought it would be a problem, picking apples while unable to eat them.
"Unless we're picking candy apples, I'll be fine," I responded.

And I was... there's no way Eve woulda been able to tempt me with an apple. She woulda had to drape it in caramel.

I was fine throughout our apple-picking adventure, in fact, being active kept my mind off food (even if I was picking food off trees). It was after we were finished that I realized my stomach was growling. Apparently, even those who had breakfast were hungry as they decided to stop at a local cafe for lunch.

"But I'm fasting today, and can't eat," I pleaded.
"Well, that's not our problem!" The Christians said at once. And then they laughed like jackals (assuming jackals have deep and hearty laughs).

Okay, maybe I didn't say that and they didn't laugh but that's how it felt.

So there I was, at a table for ten (her bro's friend, friend's wife, and their child had joined us). I sat next to Josie and across from her brother. He ordered a cheeseburger. She felt bad for me so she simply ordered a steak salad with gorgonzola cheese. Notice how not only did they order delicious, mouth-watering lunches, but they were both not kosher. Though I dont keep kosher, they were obviously sending a message. My head was getting a bit foggy but I knew that this was no accident.

During lunch, Josie's anti-Semitic three year old niece climbed onto Josie's lap. Then she kicked me. Josie claims that her niece was just being cranky and it was an accident but I know better. And I'm sure her niece does too.

On the drive back, I was extraordinarily tired and tried to keep from falling asleep in the back of her parent's car. Couldn't do it as Josie later informed me that I was sleeping with my mouth wide open. At least no one else saw me...well, except for her bro and everyone in his car as he mentioned that when they passed us, he saw me passed out, mouth agape. At least I didn't snore. At least I don't think I did.

When we got back, her dad started eating a banana. Unable to contain my outrage any longer, I had to speak up.

"We just got back from lunch and you're eating a banana?!? Are you doing this just t torture me?!?"

He said something about still being hungry, but I know better. And I'm sure he does too.


Rock On,

Aitch

Comics for Canines: UNLEASHED!

Quick e-mail since I've got a nasty hangover from New Year's celebrations. Like every year, I went to Times Square to watch the matzoh ball drop and got drunk on Manoshevitz...took nine bottles.

ANYWAY...Yours truly is producing a show at the Broadway Comedy Club on October 18th at 8:30. It is a benefit show for my dog run (no, I'm not kidding). The run is umm, run, solely on donations and it's tough getting people to pony up since, well, the Upper West Side is kinda a poor neighborhood. So here goes nutin'....

COMEDY FOR CANINES UNLEASHED!
October 18th 8:30 PM
at The Broadway Comedy Club
318 W 53rd STreet
tix are $25 (12 for you guys) and two drink min

MC - Harris Bloom
Jim Mendrinos (author "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Comedy Writing")
Bernadette Pauley (Animal Planet, TLC's Trading Spaces)
Joe DeVito (Comedy Central's Live at Gotham)
Jill Twiss (NY Finalist on Last Comic Standing)
Josh Homer (NY Underground Comedy Festival)
Mick DiFlo (Ummm, has tattoo's)
Doug Adler (Jew)

Hope some of y'all can make it. If it goes well, I may be doing more benefit shows in the future.

Rock On,

Aitch

Recurring Nightmares...

1. I'm onstage....

Me - ...So this guy from the UHO gets on the subway and he gives a speech about looking for donations and then he walks up and down the car Ummm...wait, he says or does something before he walks down the subway car...lessee, he gets on...
Audience Member - He gives his speech!
Me - I said that part...there's something else....
Audience Member - He tells a joke!
Me - Very funny...no wait, he gets on...he gives his speech...I swear, for the life of me...oh wait, he tells us that he's got food and drinks if anyone's hungry or thirsty...oh yeah, that's it...lemmee start again

2.

Me - ....and then the talent agent said, "The Aristocrats!"
Audience Member - That's not funny
Me - You're not funny
Audience Member - I"m not the one trying to be a comedian
Me - Neither am I
Audience Member - What? That's just stupid
Me - You're stupid

Rock On,

Aitch

My Girfriend's Three-Year-Old Niece is an Anti-Semite

So Josie and I took the train into Jersey Friday night to celebrate her birthday with her family. The occasion also marked the first time I was meeting her family.

It was warm and muggy out, and on the way over, Josie made some remark about them not having central air. No biggie, I thought, I assumed they would have the wall units cranking. Um, no. Her dad told us that they didn't think they'd need a/c anymore so they removed them from the windows. I think that was when I started sweating.

She also told me that at dinner, not only would we go around the table to explain what we're thankful for, but we'd all join hands while doing it. I'm not sure if this was a Catholic (her dad) or Mennonite (her mom) thing, but when in Ridgewood...
So five minutes after meeting him, I was sweating at the dinner table (in the kitchen) while holding hands with Josie's dad.

Here are a few things I thought about saying that I'm thankful for but decided against it...

1 - Josie's delicious body.
2 - soap
3 - air conditioning
4 - the morning after pill
5 - the fact that my family doesn't do this before every meal

But no, I ended up saying something boring. Whatever.

Though I didn't look, I'm pretty certain that after he let my hand go, Josie's dad wiped his hand on his pants.

BTW - he told me to call him "Chuck." I told him to call me "Peppermint Harris."

Though saying grace under pressure was over, the sweating wasn't. Throughout dinner, I waited till most of the party were looking elsewhere so I could use the napkin to wipe my forehead. Since the napkin was paper, and I was sweating bullets, I was afraid that part of the napkin would end up on my forehead so after wiping with my napkin, I wiped with my bare hand. Josie felt for me as she kept looking over with a sad look on her face.

Her three year old niece (Gianna) was also having a tough time. Theories ranged from the party being about Josie and not her, Josie bringing a new friend over, or just a phase she's been going through. I thought it was because she hates Jews. Here's why...

During one of Gianna's tantrums (this one about it not being her birthday party) Josie explained that though her next birthday wasn't till April, she would get presents in December and asked her if she knew why. For some reason, I felt the need to pipe in...

"Chanukah?"

The whole table fell silent. Soon thereafter, Gianna proclaimed, "I don't like this party!" while staring straight at me.

I rest my case.

Rock On,

Aitch