Another Night at The New York Comedy Club

So I'm sitting home last night at about 9 PM, when I remembered that I may have a guest spot at the New York Comedy Club (NYCC) that was arranged last week. I called the club and spoke to Buddy Flip, the manager that evening (they have several).

"Hey Buddy, this is Harris Bloom. Do I have a spot tonight? I remember you telling me I had one coming up but I forgot."
"Do you want one?"

Now, "free spots" are like gold to a fledging comic like myself (starting next and every Wednesday I'm gonna stand outside in the cold for two hours asking people if they like stand-up comedy for a 6 minute spot at the Comedy Village), so I said, "Sure," even though I was tired and knew it meant getting home past midnight. So at about 10 PM after ordering and eating dinner (Burritoville), I headed down to the NYCC.

Three subways later, I arrive at about 10:45 to see a small crowd outside the club and Buddy screaming at some twenty-something year old woman, who was walking away...
"You f**king c**t, you stay the f**k right here!! You're going to f**king jail!!"

I immediately thought, "That sounds about right."

The girl, totally trashed, implored her even more trashed friends to get out of dodge.
"C'mon, let's go!" Two of her friends were slumped against a building, another sat by the curb

But Buddy, checking his mouth from time to time, presumably for blood, wasn't having it.
"You stay right here! You f**king b**ch! Or I'll follow you!" And with that he started walking towards them. The girl walked towards him.
"Why don't you go ahead and punch me!! I dare ya!!" and then she turned to her friends and again yelled, C'mon!!"

This went on for about five minutes, during which I got the scoop (Buddy was escorting them out of the club for disturbing the show and being too drunk when she turned around and sucker-punched him)...police arrived...Buddy didn't press charges.

Of course anyone performing after this (she made a ruckus in the room as well) was fighting an impossible battle. So while I was doing my bit on my buddy's adult movie company, I saw this foreign dude in the audience talking to his friend.
I asked him, "You okay over there?"
"Yes," he started, "I just ask friend, 'What is this gawk,' you say?"
"Oh, that's like staring. You know, cause I was on the set of a porn flick."
"I see, so like I can gawk at you."
"Ummm, yeah, I guess."
"Will you act with me later?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Umm, no, thanks but that's not how this story's gonna end......now where was I?"

Yup, just another night at the New York Comedy Club

Rock On,

Aitch

I'm Too Old For This

First of all, if anyone's around tomorrow, I got the Sal's Laugh-Off semifinals tomorrow - it's gonna be filmed for cable TV

So I started barking this past Wednesday for Comedy Village, a club in the west village. Barking comsists on standing on a street corner for a half-hour, begging people to go to a show. For that I get six minutes of stagetime. Joy.

If you're curious what I say on said corner, here's my condensed version:

AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
(What the heck am I doing here?)
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
(Wait...is that?...yup...rain...perfect)
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
(I'm too old for this)
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
(Thanks Dave, it's great to be here. Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do have a new movie coming out. It's about...)
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!
AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONITE! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!

At 9 I go in to the club. They have an audience of eight (It could've been worse...if they don't get six, they cancel the show.)

After an hour and a half, I get my six minutes onstage. I perform pretty much to the sounds of silence.

Awesome.

Rock On,

Aitch

Six "Shows" in Three Days

As an epilogue to the "Seat Sniffer" story from last week, Tobin went up to to Steve the next day, when I wasn't there, to reiterate that he in fact, was not sniffing his seat.
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ANYWAY, I put shows in quotes since they all weren't quite shows in the traditional sense...here's a quick rundown of them...

Friday Night - Gotham - I was the first comic on after the MC. There was actually a decent crowd there (about 80 people). How'd I do? Meh. For some reason, I was more nervous than usual (nerves I had in my first six month doing this, not recently). The crowd was kinda cold as I walked on and left them kinda cold. Yup, a job mediocrely done!

On a related note, went out afterward - I highly recommend the chicken tenders at Jake's Saloon, which is down the block. They're awesome...And get 'em spicy.

Saturday Night - Open mic at The Village Ma - I had a spot at The Comedy Village Saturday's night's pro show so I figured I'd get to the village a bit early and do an open mic. By the time I got there, there were four comics still there, and zero "real" audience members. I get up when my name is called and do my seven minutes in almost complete silence. Open mics...they're faaaaantastic!

Then I walked over to The Comedy Village to do the spot that I had won last week (check your archives...I'm sure you save all my missives). It goes very well, so well that the manager asked me if I wanted to "bark" there. Barkers are those dudes who annoy the crap out of pedestrians by handing them flyers and/or asking if they wanna see a comedy show..btw - I get this "opportunity" to stand in the freezing cold for a couple of hours because I'm good, mind you (though some clubs will seriously put up anyone on their pro shows if you're willing to do stuff like clean the toilets (believe me, I can't blame NYCC, I think I'd wear a haz mat outfit just to walk in there)

Sunday afternoon I MC'ed a dog Halloween costume contest. Between the fact that it was cold, windy and football Sunday, I didn't do much comedic material. Besides, the dogs didn't seem to be getting my jokes.

Sunday evening, I took three subways to go to two open mics in the same club (New York Comedy Club). The first one (at 7) had about ten comics there. When I walked in a chick with a thick German accent was goose-stepping on stage. Ya just never know what yer gonna see at the NYCC (though a roach or mice are good bets).

The second mic featured the aforementioned "dude who cleans toilets for stage time comic." He's Latino and can barely speak English. In fact, I think he got his best laugh when he mentioned how my girlfriend and he "consumed" a child.
I interrupted - "I think you mean 'conceived.'" He took the time to stop his set and write down his new word.

I got home at 11...went to bed, only to get up when I heard Stewie (dog) making odd, licking noises - I got out of bed to investigate and found a trail of dog crap all over the bedroom and him licking it off his paws. At the very least, I really wish I discovered all this before I stepped in it. Oh well.

Rock On,

Aitch

The Greated (Work-Related) Story Ever Told

Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating...alls I know is that me and Mike are still laughing.

So I sit next to Mike and we sit in front of Steve. Steve was gone for day, probably to hit Bible study class before feeding the homeless. Anyway, after getting some coffee and making my way back from the kitchen, I see Tobias, a young Asian guy, leaving some papers on Steve's chair.

With mock anger/surprise, I asked, "Umm, what are you doing?"
"Nothing...I was just leaving this for Steve."
"Dude, were you sniffing his chair?"
"Noooo!"
"I coulda sworn you were sniffing his chair."

Mike and I were already hysterical as Tobin walked back to his desk, which is just over a partition.

After an interlude in the conference room for cake* (see below), I walked over to Tobin's area.

"Tell you what, you gimmee 20 bucks and I won't tell Steve you were sniffing his seat." At least this time he laughed too.

This afternoon when Tobin came by to hand Steve some papers, I asked him, "You want to tell him or should I?"
Tobin shook his heading grinning.
"Fine, then I'll tell him," I said, then turning to Steve, "When you were gone yesterday, I caught Tobin here, sniffing your seat."
Tobin started, "I was just..." but his voice trailed off as we all started laughing.

Good times.


*We had cake due to the impending marriage of some chick that I barely know. Of course we all had to sign the card. I wrote...

Dear Gia,

Wishing you the best, which is what you deserve (based on our extremely brief conversations in the kitchen)

Harris (Accounting)

Rock On,

Aitch