Counting Down to Standing Up - Part 3

Remember when I tried to go on Blind Date and I was so nervous once the camera was turned on that I actually forgot my name? Well, for the last few daze, I can't seem to remember the first line of my act without looking at it in writing.

I'm also worried that since I'm practicing with a pencil instead of a microphone, I wonder if I can actually electrocute myself with my own sweat. Man, would that be an embarrassing way to go, or what?

Rehearsing the same lines over and over again into a pencil has proved exhausting. Seriously. After pacing around my desk at work, silently repeating my set all day, I rehearse in front of a live audience at home. Stewie, my dog, doesn't seem to get most of my jokes, but the ones he does like, he really likes. By 9 PM, I can barely keep my eyes open.

So what I'm tryin' to say here is, if you wanna be able to say, "You remember that time you actually vomited on stage?" - you really ought to come out on July 9th...since like Rocky once said - There aint gonna be a second show - (Okay, he said "rematch," but you get the idea).

Anyway, I called Jessica (again) the host, to confirm my slot and to ask her how will I know when my 7 minutes are up.

"At six minutes, you'll see a light flash," she said.
"Really? Will it be blinding?"
"Umm, no, I don't think so."
"What color will it be?"
"White."
"But won't I see white light anyway?"
"Yeah, but this will be flashing."
"What if I'm not looking forward?"
"Don't worry...you'll see it."
"So then I get a minute, right?"
"Yup."
"Is there any other warning?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, like, another, maybe differently colored light flashing at the 30 second mark."
"Ummm, no."
"Can you have one for me?"

Anyway - make reservations - it's for the New Talent 6:30 show, Saturday July 9th

Rock On,

Aitch

Counting Down to Standing Up - Part 2

So Saturday morning I realized that I wasn't nervous about my upcoming gig.
It took me about five minutes to realize that I wasn't nervous because one doesn't realize when one is not nervous, only when one is. It probably would've taken longer except for the fact that I think about the gig every few minutes of my waking existence.
But I knew that I wasn't nervous.
To be honest, it scared me.
Why wasn't I nervous?
I should be.
I couldn't even memorize my first joke (true). And after reading it 75,000 times, it wasn't even funny anymore.
And yet, I wasn't nervous.
But why?
The more I thought about it, the more I wondered, "Why?"
I mean, nothing about me's changed.
Friday, I was actually stumbling just telling someone at the dog park about my gig.
Soon, I had this feeling of impending doom, probably what Wile E. Coyote senses, when he's looking at the camera as the shadow of a huge boulder becomes larger and larger, just before he looks up.
My lack of nerves unnerved me.
What if I didn't prepare enough because I didn't fear failure?
How can I be so blase just three weeks from a potentially sweat-drenched humiliation?
What's teh heck's going on here?
A minute later, I felt a tingling sensation in my neck - a common psychosomatic ailment of mine.
Much better.

Confidence Builder #1

So I read what I thought was gonna be my "act" to Bronwen. After finishing, I asked her what she thought.
She replied, "I have a headache."

Confidence Builder #2

"Are any of your friends coming?" I asked Bronwen.
"Yeah, I asked a few. I know Julie's coming."
"Cool, you told her that she has to laugh, right?"
"You don't have to worry about that," Bronwen answered, "Julie laughs at everything!"

Confidence Builder #3

After telling my mom a few jokes over lunch, she said, "That sounds good, and even if you don't do well, don't be discouraged, a lot of comics do poorly their first time out."

Rock On,

Aitch

Counting Down to Standing Up

Quick progress report on my attempt to get on stage and tell jokes to people that I don't know on july 9th -

When I called the New Talent person to announce that I will indeed be performing on July 9th, she said, "Okay, you really didn't have to tell me this soon but...okay."

I told her that I know that I need to bring four people, but I should have more - in fact, I asked, "Do i have to get a headcount for you?"
"Well," she replied, "they can make reservations through the regular number...but I don't even think they take reservations for that date this early."
"Oh, okay, well maybe I should call back every day to see which day they will take reservations - I wouldn't want anyone to miss out."

That last line was a joke

New Gimmicks that I have already Shelved...

1. Berate the audience for not laughing - Insist that I am much funnier than the previous two "losers" - throw grapes at them if necessary

2. Do the whole act as an impression of Chris Rock, including using his material - I figured, hey, if they laugh at him doing it, why not me?

3. Bring Stewie on stage, and perform the whole act with me holding a biscuit over my head as he constantly jumps on me to reach it - end the show when he quits and starts whimpering

I am still a month away and I cant sit still much less sleep, my stool is loose and I'm suffering from mild TMJ pain - by the time this thing happens, someone's gonna have to roll me out in a wheelchair and i'll tell the jokes through a computer like Stephen Hawkings (you know, the guy from The Simpsons)

Rock On,

Aitch