Life on the Z List

So last night I went to an open mic and was interviewed LIVE on a cable show - how did they go? Do you have to ask? Read on....

So I've become a bit of a regular at the Tuesday night Stand Up NY open mic; so much so that the woman who runs it calls me Monday night to see if I'm coming. The problem is that she calls me at work...at 9:30. She'd have a better chance of catching me at Marquee dancing on a table, sandwiched between Paris Hilton and Tara Reid.

Anyway, I forgot to call but do so on Tuesday, middayish. When I arrive at Stand Up, she informs me that I called too late...all the spots have been filled, but she would put me on the "alternate" list if someone doesn't show.

Now, while I understood that stuff happens, I didn't understand why she didn't call me back to let me know this. Perhaps I'm cynical, but I have a suspicion it has something to do with the fact that she wants to have alternate's. Anyway, without saying much (I'm in no position to youknowwhat anyone off...yet), I left. It's bad enough that I have to pay $5 to get onstage for these open mics, I ain't gonna sit and watch 20 comics perform not knowing whether I'm going up.

(Since I had nothing to do until later, I went to The Moth show at the Nuyorican, where I chatted for a minute with host Dan Kennedy of reallyasmalltalk.com. I almost didn't recognize him as he has grown a mustache, which he terms as "ironic" but if you ask me, he looks like he could star alongside Steve Buschemi in a Coen Brothers film. But I digress...)

Following the instructions I received from the show, I made sure that my hair, makeup and styling was already done before going. Thankfully, they also gave subway and walking instructions on how to get there (I guess not many of their guests arrive by limo or even taxi).

So I was told that even though the show starts at 11 (LIVE!), I had to be at the TV studio at 9 so that they can cut out a piece of the DVD of one of my Gotham performances as a clip for the show. So I walk in...and there are about six black people sitting in folding chairs staring at me. (Apparently that was the "green room.") For some reason I just stood there in silence until one of the women pointedly said, "Good evening."

"Ummm, hi," I replied, before finding out that I was in the right place.

Eventually I made my way back to the engineer's room. Gave him my DVD and was working with him in cutting out the clip I wanted for the show when one of the producers, a really short 50-something year old Joe Pesci sounding wannabe with his graying hair slicked back, came in and yelled, "You're supposed to bring it IN already cut!"

"Ummm, I called...they said I could bring it in as is."

"WHO said that?!?

"Ummm, Lenn Cooper?"

"Look, we have no time for this!" He instructed the engineer to start working on something else while I fought back tears.

I saw the person who got me on the show. She had seen me at StandUp NY the previous week.

"I'm sure you'll do fine,"she said, "I don't remember any of your act but I'm sure it was funny."

Thanks. Then I asked her how I looked.

"You look fine, besides, believe it or not, everyone looks better on TV. Trust me."

Anyway, at 11 the show started.

I was watching on a monitor in the green room. Some of the guests included...

- A singer who finished 4th in Star Search five years ago

- A guy who did a documentary about suicide bombers

- The host's friend (I assume) who brought newspaper clippings and read them

- A red-headed 20-something year old guy who spoke about mysticism and the wonders of smoking and eating cannabis. He had a hand written "Proud to be Poor" sign hanging off of his shirt pocket. He was insane.

- A salsa singer whose clip had him singing solo in front of a blue florescent backdrop. His voice was barely audible over the music. If Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite ever decided to sing salsa, I think he should study that performance.

- A 40-something year old stripper who's trying to make it as an agent.

The stripper told me that New York really sucked her in when she first arrived.

"It was crazy. like heroin...as soon as I got here, it was in bloodstream...I was hooked. I haven't left since."

"Where did you come from?" I asked, expecting to hear "Kansas" or perhaps "Bulgaria."

"New Jersey."

The show went on and on and on and on - finally around 12:30 AM when cannabis boy went on, I knew I was next. How? BECAUSE THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE THERE! (On the bright side, it was my first gig as a headliner).

I got on around 12:40. Interview lasted about 10 minutes, which included a clip...I have no idea if it was the right one though. I have no idea because not only couldn't I hear the clip while in the studio but when I got home to watch the tape, they musta forgotten to start taping until half way through the interview. Morons.

The host seemed intent on asking me boring questions, like asking in-depth questions about my accounting gig and whether I think companies still cook the books (when I replied, "yes," he reacted as if I told him where Hoffa is buried.) He also kept cutting me off, making sure that the spotlight was on him as much as possible (I'd prolly do the same if I were in his shoes). Overall, I did okay, though not sure the whole thing was worth getting home past 1AM.

I did get some revenge though: I stole a pen. It wasn't engraved with the show's name or anything. But it wrote well. That'll teach 'em.

Rock On,

Aitch