It's A Small World (with at least one really bad MC)

So I did a show last night at Stand Up NY. It was supposed to be an "HBO Aspen Callback Show" meaning that a lot of the comics performing were auditioning for The Aspen Comedy Festival. Needless to say, I was not one of them...

The reason that I was invited was to bring five people to the show since it's tough to get a decent crowd on a Monday night (esp in the winter). So I get there and check out the list of performers....it's so long that they needed two pages....I hate when they book like that...it means everyone's getting only five minutes.
When the show started, there were more comics by the bar waiting to go up than audience members.

Anyway,being one of the "bringer" comics, I know that I'm going on close to the end (I know this because they told me - the dude who booked me apologized and told me he'd get me a "real prime time slot next month." I nodded as I watched his nose grow another inch.)

The MC gets on...this chick who's prolly 10 years younger than she looked. She starts doing some crowd work...fine...that's what MC's do. But she's bad at it...really bad. And it's worse when there's little crowd. She starts off merely boring but quickly takes a right turn into insulting territory. There were Indian (from Bombay...not a casino) people sitting in the front who she made fun of...fine. But not only did she keep going but she started doing an Indian accent when speaking. It got uncomfortably quiet, until she picked on some girl who said, "You're not funny," which greatly displeased the MC. She went off on her...telling her how rude she was, blah, blah, blah.

There's a simple rule for an MC - or any comic - when dealing with an audience member. If yer gonna go after them, make sure the crowd is on your side. This crowd - and I use the word "crowd" loosely - wasn't. They hated her more than the crowd hated me on Friday night. The funny thing (to me anyway) was how the situation kept repeating itself. The comics were by and large excellent...then she'd come up to the stage and absolutely kill the crowd (not in a good way). Watching them, I noticed the other comics getting pissed, especially when they were about to go up. The situation actually got even more bizarre. She must've started drinking while other comics were up because she kept missing her cues to get back onstage, leaving the comic up there at the end of his/her set waiting for her...sometimes they didn't wait...they left the stage leaving it empty until she made her way up. She also kept either mispronouncing, and sometimes forgetting the comics' names...in fact, I was worried that she was gonna get me beat up cause she's an idiot (explanation in next paragraph).

The dude who went on before me didn't do well, in fact, he told some rather off-color jokes about blacks (he was Irish...not the black kind) who elicited some boo's. One big black dude in the crowd looked especially perturbed. When the MC went on, she naturally forgot screwed up, and said, "Keep it going for Harris Bloom!" She did this while the black dude and his party were leaving, so they didn't even hear her correct herself. If I get hate mail, I'm forwarding it to her.

I did well...well, as well as one can do in front of the minimal crowd that stuck it out to the bitter end.

Speaking of bitter, the last dude that went on must've been a deranged homeless man who wandered in. He just kept ranted with no apparent puchlines in sight, at times threatening the audience with the mic stand. It really was a fitting conclusion to the evening.

Really weird sidenotes: One of the people who came to see me actually taught preschool to the only other comic on the bill that I knew. Also, one of the other comics on the bill said I looked familiar...he then remembered that we did jury duty together a few months ago. Too bad he didn't stick around to see my act, he could've seen me joke about it.

Rock On,

Aitch

A Tale of Two SHows

So, as y'all know, Friday night was my first paid gig ever. I was to perform at a fund-raiser for the Hunter College Women's Basketball Team. For some reason I wasn't really nervous going on...maybe I was maturing as a comic...better prepared...more confident in my material. Yes, that must be it!

So when I go in, I find out that the other two comics are Modi, who performs all over the city and, in fact, the country (I've seen him before...he's awesome) and some other dude who I never heard of but has been on Comedy Central and Letterman. I started to get nervous.

Modi, who hadn't arrived yet was gonna go on as soon as he got there because he had another gig that night. I told the MC that I didn't care when I went on since the only plans I had for later that evening involved General Tsao and his lovely chicken. When Modi arrived in time to go on first (after the MC did his thing), the MC asked if I minded following him since the other dude didn't wanna. In the worst decision since that Best dude left The Beatles, I agreed.

First of all, most of the crowd were minority college kids...not really my target audience. I scrapped the idea of doing my jury duty and work related stuff. My nerves increased.

I started getting REALLY nervous when Modi was onstage. . He was killing (that's "doing extremely well"). By the time he left, the crowd was in his hands...laughing even before he got to the punchline. Then it was my turn.

I tell my first joke...a joke about my poor basketball playing ability in an effort to get them on my side......nothing.
I tell my second joke....starting my own material....nothing.

And it went downhill from there.

Not only didn't they laugh much, but I swear, they wanted to beat the crap out of me. The biggest laugh I got was when I said, Thank You," after I told a joke that was met with complete silence. Long story short, I stayed on for about 10-12 minutes but it felt like 30.

(by the way, after the MC introduced the next comic, he saw me in the hall and said, without a trace of irony, "Good set.")

I went to bed that night - after eating a Snickers bar, a Boston Creme Dunkin' Donut, a Toasted Almond coffee from said donut emporium and my General Tsao's - wondering why the heck I'm doing this...and kinda dreading my show planned for the next night at Gotham Comedy Club...where, by the way, Bronwen's parents would see me perform for the first time.

So I was back to my nervous self before Saturday's show. Maybe cause I bombed the previous night, or maybe cause I couldn't remember the wording of my first couple of jokes.

Anyway, I went on fifth. My first joke did well. My second joke did well also. Then, I kicked it up a notch and even got some applause. Though I remained nervous throughout my set (dunno why), the audience was definitely diggin' me. I'm still at the stage where if my first couple of jokes don't do well, I lose confidence up there and I think the audience smells that (well, that and when I piddle on myself up there).

Anyway, I have another gig tonight at Stand Up NY (9 PM)...my fingers are crossed.

Rock On,

Aitch

Blind Items in the Bangor Times's Page 6

http://www.reallysmalltalk.com/bloom_blind.htm

Rock On,

Aitch

I'm Ugly and I'm Not Funny

So I'm at my usual Tuesday night Opne Mic at Stand Up NY on ummm, Tuesday, when the MC decides to chat me up while she's on stage.

"Harris always has these hot women with him."

It's true...she's seen me at a show with Bronwen....Deeanna came with me last week to check out the open mic...and that day, I was sitting with Elaine and Jackie, a couple of pretty comics.

Apparently thinking of things that would attract women to me, she continued, "What's your secret? Are you rich?"
"Ummm, no."
"Are you are really nice guy?"
"Not really."
She then moved on to some other topic.

Walking home later, it hit me. Not knowing me very well, she asked about two things that someone who doesn't know the person might think. However, she does know two things about me...my looks and my act....two things that obviously she thought couldn't be the reason.

ack.

Rock On,

Aitch

Restaurant Week with Mom

I decide that I would be a good son and invite mom to Lutece for lunch on Saturday
during Restaurant Week.

First of all, being that Lutece is around the area of the World Economic Forum thing at the Waldorf, mom is concerned about being in the vicinity. I tell her if she's scard, don't go. She says that "it's not a matter of being scared, it's just a matter of getting hit in the head with something". She ends up throwing caution
to the wind and accepting my invitation.

While walking to Lutece, I see that I'm gonna be early so rather than get there too early and be forced into more conversation than I had in me, I decide to stop a few
blocks away and just stop to smell the dog shit. Of course as I'm standing
there who walks towards me but "Mom!". I tell her I saw her coming and
stopped.

Lutece is very nice (a little stuffy for my taste but food is obviously great...on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being the best, I'd give it a 2). Favorite part of meal as far as y'all will be concerned (least favorite for me) was when the waiter comes by asking if we want coffee and mom asks, "Is that included as part of the deal?" Of course upon hearing no, mom says that she's fine. Bad enough but ya gotta love her next line...

"I'll just get the .50 senior citizens coffee at McDonald's on the way home. I could only nod outwardly whilst my tongue was bleeding from my bitemarks.

Rock On,

Aitch

My Screenplay is Writing Itself

As a sidenote, it's bizarre to me how many people tell me that I have great stage presence. I actually feel weird telling people that I have a fear of public speaking, like they won't believe me or something. I wish that I had a copy of my Blind Date interview to show them.

But unfortunately, no one will remember my performance from that night. No sirree.

THE act of the night was this dude who went on like, 13th. He walked up to the stage with a discman in his ears and an unlit cigarette in his hand.

His opening line? (And I've cleaned it up...)

"This effin' sucks! Putting me up like 13th...I effin' hate this club! I effin' hate stand up comedy!"

and it went downhill from there.

At one point, he asked where his friends were. They shouted out to him, and then he said, "This is for you guys...the rest can go eff themselves!"

He then proceeded to maintain that he doesn't even need a mic, so he stepped away from it...but kept talking. I couldn't hear a thing he said for at least a minute.

Jessica, one of the club's bookers, was standing next to me. As the dude was doing this, she was seething, and under her breath whispered, "He is sooo banned!"

I was surprised she didn't get him offstage earlier but then again, she may've been afraid of what he'd do.

He was either on drugs, or forgot to take his drugs.

Either way...he was awesome (in a train wreck sorta way)

Rock On,

Aitch

Define "Insane"

One of my favorite movie quotes is from Con-Air. In it, Nicholas Cage's character (Cameron Poe) says something about not being insane, like the others. Steve Buschemi's character (Garland something), who is a complete lunatic answers...

"Now you're talking semantics...what if I told you that insane was working 50 hours a week in an office for 50 years at the end of which they tell you to pi** off. Then you spend the rest of your life in a nursing home, hoping to die before suffering the indignity of trying to make it to the toilet in time. Wouldn't you call that insane?"
An excellent point Garland makes...but I thik I have a new definition thanks to my 4 month old hobby....

Every Wednesday, I travel half an hour to wait on line for a half hour (because it's first come, first serve) at the Comedy Cellar....after getting in, I sit, have a drink (one drink min), and watch other comics tell jokes for five minutes apiece until it's my turn. I pay my 10 dollars ($5 bucks to gt onstage, one drink, tip) and take the train a half hour to go home. (by the way, a lot come in from Jersey or Conn, so they're even worse off))

Let's summarize -

Time Spent Overall - 2.5 hours
Time Spent on Stage - 5 Minutes
Time Spent not laughing at other comics on stage - 1 hour 15 minutes (I'm allowing for 10 minutes of good stuff)
Money Spent - 10 bucks (not important. but still)

That's my usual Wednesday night...

Wonder what Garland would say about that?

Rock On,

Aitch