I Answer Fan Mail

Dear Mr. Balls,

As you may recall, I was the emcee of the stand-up comedy show you recently attended.

First of all, I'd like to thank you for filling out the comment card as I requested during the show. Not many people do, and we really do appreciate your thoughts. However, I have a few questions regarding your comments.

1. When asked for your name, you wrote "Suck my Balls." I guess I'm more curious than anything as I've never heard of anyone with that name. Is it of Native American origin?

2. For Day Phone, you wrote "None of your business!" which at first glance, I thought was a witty double entendre...I even chuckled. But then I saw....

3. Under Evening Phone, you wrote "Same As Above." Though we understand and appreciate your desire to keep your anonymity in today's crazy world, I assure you, our intentions are purely honorable as we merely want to supply you with free tickets to an upcoming show!

4. You listed "eatmeraw.com" as your e-mail address. Obviously, a miscue on your part as surely you know that's a website (which is un-registered by the way). We did try to contact you via eatmeraw@yahoo.com, but it came back as undeliverable.

5. When asked, "What show did you see?" - You wrote "The shitty ass show." I can sort of understand this answer as the show you attended didn't have an actual name or theme, so you chose to refer to it by one of the comics' longish bits. We took the liberty of adding the day of the week, which you neglected to check off (Otherwise, it would get confusing as several of our roster of comics have bits about their bowels).

6. Under "How did you hear about this club," you wrote "You're mama." If you meant the mother of the club owner, then I'm afraid someone sold you a bill of goods (weird saying, no?) as the owner's mother passed away several years ago. Also, you wrote "you're" when you meant "your" - not a big deal as I'm not a sticker for grammar, but that just so happens to be a pet peeve.

7. Ironically, you left blank the "On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate the show?" question. We consider this the most important question on the card as we are dedicated to bringing you the finest in comedic entertainment.

So, seriously, did you enjoy the show?

Sincerely,

Harris Bloom