Settling

Yesterday, while playing the Oakland Raiders, Jets QB Mark Sanchez was caught on the sidelines eating a hot dog.

When asked why he did it, Sanchez replied, "I couldn't find the fondue guy."

Harris

Another Day On The Subway

For those of you who don't live in NY, our subway system is in one way awesome (cheap way to get around), but also infuriating.

Not only do trains often run late, but it's pretty dirty down there and you have to deal with large amounts of people in a small space. And by and large, people suck (sorry if you're a person). Case in point, the person I saw having an argument yesterday.

Fact is, we all think we're right when we get into arguments, but I really wonder what this one dude told his friends after his encounter. I'm guessing it was like....

"You wouldn't believe this - So i'm on the subway, me and my bike...and we're taking up four seats....me one, the bike three, you know – I mean, it’s a mountain bike, right? And this old woman gets on asking me to move my bike... unbelievable, right? So, I just say, where do you want me to put it? She’s got nothing, it was beautiful… This dude takes her side, saying I’m being rude…I’M being rude! He's interrupting a private convo and I'M the rude one! Besides, my bike was there first. I mean, sure, she had a cane and all, but still."

harris

I Answer Fan Mail

Dear Mr. Balls,

As you may recall, I was the emcee of the stand-up comedy show you recently attended.

First of all, I'd like to thank you for filling out the comment card as I requested during the show. Not many people do, and we really do appreciate your thoughts. However, I have a few questions regarding your comments.

1. When asked for your name, you wrote "Suck my Balls." I guess I'm more curious than anything as I've never heard of anyone with that name. Is it of Native American origin?

2. For Day Phone, you wrote "None of your business!" which at first glance, I thought was a witty double entendre...I even chuckled. But then I saw....

3. Under Evening Phone, you wrote "Same As Above." Though we understand and appreciate your desire to keep your anonymity in today's crazy world, I assure you, our intentions are purely honorable as we merely want to supply you with free tickets to an upcoming show!

4. You listed "eatmeraw.com" as your e-mail address. Obviously, a miscue on your part as surely you know that's a website (which is un-registered by the way). We did try to contact you via eatmeraw@yahoo.com, but it came back as undeliverable.

5. When asked, "What show did you see?" - You wrote "The shitty ass show." I can sort of understand this answer as the show you attended didn't have an actual name or theme, so you chose to refer to it by one of the comics' longish bits. We took the liberty of adding the day of the week, which you neglected to check off (Otherwise, it would get confusing as several of our roster of comics have bits about their bowels).

6. Under "How did you hear about this club," you wrote "You're mama." If you meant the mother of the club owner, then I'm afraid someone sold you a bill of goods (weird saying, no?) as the owner's mother passed away several years ago. Also, you wrote "you're" when you meant "your" - not a big deal as I'm not a sticker for grammar, but that just so happens to be a pet peeve.

7. Ironically, you left blank the "On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate the show?" question. We consider this the most important question on the card as we are dedicated to bringing you the finest in comedic entertainment.

So, seriously, did you enjoy the show?

Sincerely,

Harris Bloom

Cutting Off My Nose

Last week, I went to my favorite empanada restaurant for take out. It's really loud in there and wasn't sure the waitress heard me correctly. Sure enough, when I looked at my receipt, she had charged me for four beef empanadas and not four chicken ones.

When I told her of her miscue, she said, "I'll change it but you told me beef."

Now, I know I didn't say beef. Though I normally do order beef, I was ordering for me and my wife and decided to go the healthier chicken route with her.

My guess is when I said "four baked chicken empanadas," she heard "beef" instead of "baked." (Though you'd think she'd have asked what are beef chicken emps?")

Anyway, I'm not sure if I was angry cause they keep it so loud that I'm not shocked that these mistakes occur or cause the mistake was a small one and the waitress should've just employed the "Customer is always right" rule, but I wanted to I got indignant and decided to win the argument.

I said, "I know I said chicken. I haven't eaten meat in over twenty years!"

And that was that.

Ba-Daooowww!!!

I win!!

Of course, now every time I go there, I have to see if she's there before ordering my usual beef empanadas.

D'oh!

harris

Workin' For The Mob

I got permission from the producer of the show to write this (I was afraid to otherwise)...

I did a show last week in a lounge in NY's meatpacking district. I found the gig on Craigslist. By the way, nine out of ten stories that begin with, "So, I looked on Craigslist..." ends with "Well, that's what I get for looking on Craigslist!" And this was not the exception to the rule.

This guy, Vinnie Parco, emailed me the day of the show, asking if I can do it. I didn't even remember responding to the ad so I called him to see what he was all about. Turns out, he's a P.I., who works on some reality show on Court TV.

He told me, in a Queens/Brooklyn accent, the show is supposed to start at 7:30 but may start late as a lot of his friends are coming in from Howard Beach. I asked how much time I had to perform, he responded, "Ya get ten minutes, more if you're doing well, and we'll kill you if you're not." Then, he laughed. So I did.

"I'm jus' kiddin' ya!" He said.

"I figured."

"Sorta..."

"Wait. What?"

I assumed I was kiddin' of course, but when I got to the venue, I began to wonder.

I arrived at 7:00. Vinnie was there, talking to a couple of ladies in front. I introduced myself and he said we'll get started as soon as the guests arrive. I took a seat in the lounge and watched Vinnie greet people. He kissed everyone on both cheeks. The guests looked like they walked out of central casting - men, with slicked black hair, barrel chests and impeccably tailored suits; the women all looked like they woulda blended well hangin' with Carmela Soprano.

Vinnie introduced me to one of his friends. I forgot his name but Vinnie told me he just got released from jail. He was there for six years as a partner of Victoria Gotti's husband (and I'm not looking it up...I don't even wanna know his name).

As I waited for the show to start, I texted Josie to tell her what was going on. She suggested I tell them my her maiden name (she's Italian) to get them on my good side.

"Good idea!"


Finally, around 9 PM, the show started. Not only was I first, but Vinnie didn't really warm up the crowd before inviting me on stage.

"For our first comedian, here's, umm, Harry... Harrison..."

Walking up, I helped, whispering "Harris Bloom!"

"Oh yeah, Harris Bloom, everyone!"


Worried how my act would be received, I decided that if I was gonna go down, I was gonna go down with my good stuff...I abandoned any notion of doing any new material and decided to do my Best Set. I was nervous enough to have wished I took a pill before leaving the apartment.


Thankfully, I did well. I even had a lil fun during my set with the audience. When I noticed that three (scary-looking) men to the side weren't laughing at all, I said, "I feel like you guys are the ones I should be trying hard to impress."

"You got that right!" One said, to the delight of the crowd. He continued, "Ya ever do a show with two gangsters sitting with an FBI agent?"

"Nope, I believe this is a first. Does it help if I told you my wife's maiden name is XXXX?"

"Sure, it helps her!"

"Touche!" I gave him that one, and moved on.


After getting offstage, several audience members shook my hand, congratulating me on my performance (while another comic was onstage no less).

All in all, the show was fun. They asked me to stay and hang out, but having found the one out of ten Craigslist ads that work out (even if it was a lil touch and go), I wasn't about to press my luck.

Rock On,

Aitch

Josie's Birthday!

We bought a couch on her birthday. Thoughtful as she is, she insisted on a sofabed, so I have somewhere to sleep when we fight.

We celebrated (the couch and birthday) with a bowling party, cause, that's how we roll.

Aww c'mon! That's funny!

Harris

It's Been Awhile

Hey gang!

Between something happening to work computer where I can't get into my own blog here and just laziness, I haven't been round these parts in a while...sorry to the three of you saddened by this.

I'll start up again by telling you I was in Delaware last week - great time around Bethany Beach area...even did a comedy show at Wahoo's... which is pretty much as it sounds.

Anyway, one bizarre thing I encountered was how the main highway has signs posted warning of "turtle crossing."

Has anyone avoided a turtle when going 65 mph? How big are these turtles?

Personally, I didn't see any turtles on the road, though I did hit a few rocks.

Oh, shoot.

harris