Friday, October 30, 2009


Why is David Spade catching flak about his ad with the late Chris Farley? I don't recall anyone saying songs where dead people are singing to be in poor taste.


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Rock and Roll All Night

Growing up, I wanted to join The Kiss Army but was rejected due to my asthma.


The State Of Comedy (I Need Somebody to Shove)

I was recently in two contests in Connecticut recently where I was pitted against 30 and 23 other comics.

In the first contest, unlike myself, they were all from Connecticut (I got in since I had done shows at this club).

I made it past the first round, which isn't saying a lot if you saw most of these other comics.

I made it past the second round though I was lil worried as, even though I was the best pure comic on the show, the crowd wasn't all that into me (of course that brings up the question as how can I be the best if I didn't get the most laughs...see the next sentence to see how I justify it). They preferred really hacky jokes about sex and stereotypes. I was still confident as this contest was not decided by audience laughter, but by actual judges. They wouldn't be swayed by the audience, who were cracking up at jokes so bad, I rarely even hear them at open mic nights.

They were.

I got eliminated in the third round. Just to give you an example of what I was up against, the guy who probably got the best crowd reaction had jokes like, "I got stopped by a Chinese cop...I had never seen a Chinese cop before so I rolled down the window and said, 'I'll take pork friend rice and dumplings.'" He then added, "So, I'm in jail."

This same comic got an applause break when asking why women look back when they are having sex doggystyle. "Is it because they want to make sure you're still there (laughs), or because they can't feel it so they want to make sure it's still in? (hysterics)"

This is what I lost to.

The second contest was worse. Without boring you with details, I made it past the first round but couldn't beat a few comics who were worse than most NY open micers in the next round.

Needless to say, I was burning. I was actually too shocked to be angry. I stood around assuming this had to be some sort of joke, then, upon realizing the joke was on me, I wondered if everyone was taking crazy pills.

Then came the anger. But who to be angry at? I can't be angry at the comics...they hear laughs so they have no reason to change. They are also getting approval from the judges. I can't even blame the judges. These weren't industry vets, they were hosts of morning shows and comedy websites (which, by and large, suck). So who to blame? Can I blame the audience for laughing?
No, they're just laughing at what they find funny. I can't blame the booker either...he's giving the audience what they want.

So, who can I blame? No one...

...and that's what sucks.


Monday, October 26, 2009

So, Whatcha Readin'?

I had a gig a few weeks ago where I took a train out of the city with another comic who was on the show. A comic that I disliked, and had no interest in talking to for a two-hour train ride.

"I think I'll bring a book, and when we sit down, I'll immediately open it," I had told Josie. Thinking about it, I continued, "Is that really rude?"
"Um, yes!"
So, I decided not to bring the book.

The day of the show, the other comic greeted me at the train station. We picked out our seats. As soon as we sat down, he took out a book."



Yesterday, while playing the Oakland Raiders, Jets QB Mark Sanchez was caught on the sidelines eating a hot dog.

When asked why he did it, Sanchez replied, "I couldn't find the fondue guy."


Thursday, October 8, 2009

Another Day On The Subway

For those of you who don't live in NY, our subway system is in one way awesome (cheap way to get around), but also infuriating.

Not only do trains often run late, but it's pretty dirty down there and you have to deal with large amounts of people in a small space. And by and large, people suck (sorry if you're a person). Case in point, the person I saw having an argument yesterday.

Fact is, we all think we're right when we get into arguments, but I really wonder what this one dude told his friends after his encounter. I'm guessing it was like....

"You wouldn't believe this - So i'm on the subway, me and my bike...and we're taking up four one, the bike three, you know – I mean, it’s a mountain bike, right? And this old woman gets on asking me to move my bike... unbelievable, right? So, I just say, where do you want me to put it? She’s got nothing, it was beautiful… This dude takes her side, saying I’m being rude…I’M being rude! He's interrupting a private convo and I'M the rude one! Besides, my bike was there first. I mean, sure, she had a cane and all, but still."


Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I Answer Fan Mail

Dear Mr. Balls,

As you may recall, I was the emcee of the stand-up comedy show you recently attended.

First of all, I'd like to thank you for filling out the comment card as I requested during the show. Not many people do, and we really do appreciate your thoughts. However, I have a few questions regarding your comments.

1. When asked for your name, you wrote "Suck my Balls." I guess I'm more curious than anything as I've never heard of anyone with that name. Is it of Native American origin?

2. For Day Phone, you wrote "None of your business!" which at first glance, I thought was a witty double entendre...I even chuckled. But then I saw....

3. Under Evening Phone, you wrote "Same As Above." Though we understand and appreciate your desire to keep your anonymity in today's crazy world, I assure you, our intentions are purely honorable as we merely want to supply you with free tickets to an upcoming show!

4. You listed "" as your e-mail address. Obviously, a miscue on your part as surely you know that's a website (which is un-registered by the way). We did try to contact you via, but it came back as undeliverable.

5. When asked, "What show did you see?" - You wrote "The shitty ass show." I can sort of understand this answer as the show you attended didn't have an actual name or theme, so you chose to refer to it by one of the comics' longish bits. We took the liberty of adding the day of the week, which you neglected to check off (Otherwise, it would get confusing as several of our roster of comics have bits about their bowels).

6. Under "How did you hear about this club," you wrote "You're mama." If you meant the mother of the club owner, then I'm afraid someone sold you a bill of goods (weird saying, no?) as the owner's mother passed away several years ago. Also, you wrote "you're" when you meant "your" - not a big deal as I'm not a sticker for grammar, but that just so happens to be a pet peeve.

7. Ironically, you left blank the "On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate the show?" question. We consider this the most important question on the card as we are dedicated to bringing you the finest in comedic entertainment.

So, seriously, did you enjoy the show?


Harris Bloom

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Cutting Off My Nose

Last week, I went to my favorite empanada restaurant for take out. It's really loud in there and wasn't sure the waitress heard me correctly. Sure enough, when I looked at my receipt, she had charged me for four beef empanadas and not four chicken ones.

When I told her of her miscue, she said, "I'll change it but you told me beef."

Now, I know I didn't say beef. Though I normally do order beef, I was ordering for me and my wife and decided to go the healthier chicken route with her.

My guess is when I said "four baked chicken empanadas," she heard "beef" instead of "baked." (Though you'd think she'd have asked what are beef chicken emps?")

Anyway, I'm not sure if I was angry cause they keep it so loud that I'm not shocked that these mistakes occur or cause the mistake was a small one and the waitress should've just employed the "Customer is always right" rule, but I wanted to I got indignant and decided to win the argument.

I said, "I know I said chicken. I haven't eaten meat in over twenty years!"

And that was that.


I win!!

Of course, now every time I go there, I have to see if she's there before ordering my usual beef empanadas.