Thursday, March 17, 2005

A Night in Atlantic City

Went Saturday morning - Rob picked me and Aussie Rich us up at the ferry in Weeeeeeeehauken (I have to say it like that...same with Seeeeecaucus!) in his brand spankin' new Audi TT. Now, I dont know if any of you know what this car looks like,
but it is for all intents and purposes a two-seater (unless you have a
couple of friends with no legs). David Blaine could do a special with him
trying to get in and out of this thing. After making a meager attempt to
get in the back seat, Aussie says there's no way we can do it, and he's
going home (he did manage to get in but was situated so uncomfortably that
I almost threw up laughing). I volunteered to try after actually having to
help him get out. Using Rob's advice of going in butt first, I managed to
squeeze my way in, and though far from comfy, I took one for team. (Very
selfish of Rob by the way to not think of me when buying his Mid-life
Crisis car.)

ANYWAY, We got down there and checked in to our hotel which should be called The Last
Hotel on The Left (raise your hand if you know the movie). It really is
the last hotel on the left and away from all the action, well, the casino
action at least. While we are there a cop car rides up and when the cops
enter, the desk chick sez, "Hi Randy, room 1606." Now, it's bad enuf that
they had to call the cops for something but as Rob says, its even worse
that she's on a first name basis with them. I half expected to have to
walk around a chalk outline to enter our room (if we were in room 217 or
237, I woulda been outta there - raise your hand part two). The room was
fine and there was no other hotel drama.

We got to the Taj Mahal around 2:30 and immediately sit down at a black
jack table. A couple of observations off the bat. One, the economy must
be killing these casinos as there was no problem getting a $10 table (and
it stayed like that for hours eventually moving to 15 and then 25). Two,
there are no caucasian dealers there. All asian males. Three, A/C does
NOT get a good looking crowd. Not only is it ugly but it's very white
trash. A mullet hunter would have a field day there. We ended up sitting
there till 10:00 (I got up once to hit the restroom). We started drinking
as soon as we sat down (Bloody Mary for me). In fact, we were drinking so much that
the waitress not only kept bringing us more drinks before we asked but she
brought us any drinks that she had gotten for others who musta left the
table (Vodka and Cranberries, Malibu whatchamacallit's, etc) . Hammered quickly, we went into Obnoxious Drunken New Yawker mode (Note to Brian: If ya ever film a movie and need a few extras who will be in credits as "Morons Playing Blackjack #1,2, and 3 you know where to look...esp if it's a skin flick). One dealer was named Soe (who I'm still not sure spoke any English...none of the dealers did...or maybe they did
but didn't wanna encourage us) who had to endure me yelling "Say it aint
So!!" after every poor hand and Aussie singing "Sew...a needle pulling
threeeead". He didn't even seem to appreciate my attempt at small talk,
like when I asked him what he does for a living. We kept bugging the pit
dude to hook us up with some comps since we were playing soe long (i
believe the exact words were, "C'mon Dennis...throw us a free
burga...that's all we're askin' fer!" repeated seven hundred
times...yup...we're pathetic). Though we started off poorly (was down more
than $200 fairly quickly) we rallied and in fact went on a fairly extended
good run where the dealer got very few blackjack's and in fact, busted a
lot when he was sposed to. Whenever the dealer had a "busting hand" (i.e.
3,4,5,6) we were yelling, "TEN!! TEN!!! TEN!!!" and it seems like more
often than not, it worked out (I may write a book on this method). Rob and
I ended up there up about $400 on the day. Aussie was not as fortunate as
he gave up on BJ and moved onto roulette where he lost more (question for
y'all - What's more annoying than someone at your table who HITS on a hard
SEVENTEEN as Aussie did...twice? Answer: Someone who HITS on a hard
SEVENTEEN twice and gets a three and a four - I woulda said, "I too, like
to live dangerously" - movie?). Another funny part of out table (at least
to us) was how due to the fact we were doing well, Rob and I were trying to
chase away any new players by claiming the table sucks or how hot the
dealer was whenever new blood walked by - I recall at least one person not
sitting down and even funnier, noone else appeard to win dough but us and
one Eeeenormous chick sitting there with us. This chick by the way came
down by herself (I think she ate her friends) and since we were rather
drunk and in a good mood, invited her to the dinner buffet
(mmmm...buffet...mmmm) we went to armed with comps.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, ya just can't beat a buffet
(mmmm...buffet...mmmm). Though I really wasn't that hungry (by this time I
was drunk and my voice was bad and my throat was scratchy from laughing and
yelling), I ate my fair share...and a couple other peoples. After the
buffet (mmmm...buffet...mmmmm), my companions wanted to hit a strip club
(personally I was ready to hit the sheets for a few hours and then get up
and play some more as I was kinda nautious). We ditch the chick and head
to a Bikini Club - we thought we were going to a topless place but they
never even took off their tops! Some fairly hot chicks though they looked
about as interested in it as the backup players in those old Robert Palmer
videos looked.

Got up fairly early - checked out - drove back to the Taj - had the
Breakfast Buffet (mmmm...buffet...mmmm) - and hit the tables - Rob and I
played more BJ (both down a little) and then joined Aussie at Roulette
since he was doing well and we thought we'd ruin it. I dont like the wheel
but played a bit cause Rob and Aussie were doing well - I was breaking even
until I remembered the immortal words of Richard Bloom and Wesley
Snipes..."Always bet on Black" so I placed one last fidy dollas on
black...and lost. Aussie made up for his losses from Saturday and Rob
made more money by listening to me (i'm still awaiting my share). He's
never played before and asks what numbers to play...I'm a Piazza man so I
say 31 and then realizing he's a Yankee fan, I tell him to play 22 for that
bleep Clemens. First ball ends up whereever...second 22!...third 22
again!!! Ya just can't beat that. We then went for a stroll on the
boardwalk arm in arm in arm (ok, they refused) We tried the "Make a Basket" game which resulted in one fo the most pathetic exhibitions of free throw shooting (and I use that term loosely) that I've ever seen. I threw up an airball (i was on target though... I WAS!!!) - Rob clanked it against the backboard not touching rim either and Aussie hit the top of the backboard, also hitting the "prizes" above it and it flew right back in his hands....pathetic doesn't describe it.

I saw some great outfits in a window and suggested that to fit in more we
all buy a velvet jumpsuit and a couple of chains to wear to the casino next
time (it's funny when you picture it)

Rob then drove us back to Weeeeehauken where we got the ferry and subwayed
it home, as I had no money for a cab.

Rock On,