Off The Deep End?

My love of dogs is well documented. I much rather hang with them than the vast majority of people, and I think that anyone who kills a dog should get the same punishment as someone who kills a human. And I'm not even kidding.

So, it may not surprise you that the other day, when it was pouring, and I saw two dogs chained to a post outside a convenience store, howling for the owner, I felt the need to stop and share my umbrella with them. The only part I'm embarrassed to admit, is that I did hesitate before stopping.

At first, the dogs looked at me curiously, while wagging their tails. I didn't want to pet them as I didn't know how they took to strangers (especially those with umbrella weapons). Eventually, their attention returned to the door of the convenience store and started howling again. And I just stood there, thinking people who passed by musta been wondering, "Why doesn't he tell his dogs to shut up already?!?"

Then I wondered what the owner was gonna say, and what I was gonna say to him. To be honest, even I would feel like a bit of an idiot telling him/her that I felt bad for your dogs getting wet. So, I needed something else to say. I figured I'd say, "I was waiting for my wife anyway," while nodding towards the store, so I thought I'd keep these lil guys dry" The only problem with that is I'd be stuck waiting till the guy was out of sight or he'd see my explanation was some sort of ruse.

I was still thinking what to say when the guy came out. He looked at me for a second, then unchained his dogs from the post, and walked away. Not even a "thank you" for being a man-servant for his dogs!

Man, I hate people.

Harris

I Assume He Vacationed in Panama

Josie recently informed me that she used to work with someone named Dan Halen. Predictably, every time he asked her a question about anything, she would reply, "Ya might as well Jump."

My favorite part is that she tells me he didn't have any type of sense of humor about his name. She was even kind enough to tell him that if he referred to himself as "Daniel," no one would make fun, but, of course, he refused.

Best name I've heard since this guy (I'll bet he was smart enuf to go by Frederick)

Harris

I'm Like Simon Cowell, But From Queens

I answered an ad to appear on a public access show called "Are You A Star Or Just Bizarre?" - it was billed as public access's answer to American Idol. If that's the answer, I think they need to throw out the question (as my sixth grade teacher used to do with test questions if everyone answered incorrectly).

Since they already had enough comics for the weekly competition, the producer asked me to be a guest judge. Cool, thought.

But when I got to the studio, I had second thoughts... What if I knew the comics I was judging? I'm kinda known for being brutally honest....How honest was I gonna be?

I had third thoughts (similar to my second thoughts) when I was in the waiting room and saw a middle-aged guy wearing an unbuttoned flannel shirt walk through as if this was his living room.

Then I saw the list of comics performing. Shit! I knew a few of them. What to do...

So, as the show is broadcast live on Time Warner Channel 56, they started exactly at 11 PM. The studio audience consisted of comics performing, and a few people who look like they needed a warm place to sit for a few hours.

The host introduced me as a "successful comedian." I later found out my name was written on screen as "Harris Bloon."

I've done some shows with the first comic. I was hoping he'd do okay as it woulda been awkward to criticize him and then travel with him for two hours for a show. He did a decent enough job...I was able to praise his efforts. Phew!

The next two comics were horror shows. Both black, one actually combined impressions of Tony Montana, Forrest Gump and Ray Charles in one joke. All that was missing was him saying "I'll be back!" like Arnold Schwarzenegger, which is exactly what he said when one of the judges said he'd like to see him again. The other wore a fur coat and fur hat combo that Snoop Dogg woulda found ridiculous.

I'm gonna have to re-watch the episode to see what I exactly said to these guys but a few quotes (paraphrased)...

"I've heard versions of your magnum condoms and bad breath jokes, but I've never seen a version of that coat and hat!"
"I've seen hundreds of comics do Michael Jackson jokes. I'm hoping that with his passing, so will the jokes."
"I think it's funny that you say 'f**k the kids' on TV, but instead of 'dick,' you said 'wee wee.'" (1)
"Those impressions have been done over and over again. You need to do others. And your Ray Charles impression was god-awful - you made him look and mentally handicapped (Okay, I didn't say that...just thought it.)"

The best part is that I said these things after the other judges spoke, and they all loved the acts. I was basically the bitchy British judge on the panel, but from Queens, NY. I need to start drinking out of an oversized Coke cup, as a friend said. I think some of my comments even got booed.

During the show, I texted with friends and Josie, who were watching. Some of the tests received...

"watching this is painful."

"this is beautiful."

"you should go on tour with the guy wearing the fur coat/hat."

"i really wanna kill the guy off-camera who introduced the host."

"i wanna kill the douche to your right" (same guy)

"this station is a little staticky"

"ouch!" (after my commentary)

At the end, they allowed another guy to get up and tell a joke. I say "guy" since I'm pretty sure he wasn't a comic. His stutter was so pronounced he couldn't get one joke out before the host interrupted him to declare a winner. (2)

The winner was...a TIE between my two least favorite comics - I was outvoted. Exactly what I expected.

When I got home, Josie's first words to me were, "You are so mean!" which kinda relieved me, as I was worried that I came off as too nice. (3)

I actually had a great time, prolly cause it's a chance to tell people what I really think of their comedy, instead of just doing what we all do, tell everyone how amazing (I've come to really hate that word) they are and talk behind their backs. (4)

I will be on the show again. Stay tuned!

Rock On,

Harris

(1) - After the comic said, "F**k the kids!" you can hear me ask, "Are we still on the air?"


(2) - His joke started with, "I saw this girl walking, she had such a badonkidonk butt, I wanted to climb in..." - I didn't get a chance to critique him, but I woulda said, "I recommend staying away from words like 'badonkidonk.'"


(3) Video to come.

(4) I actually don't do that. I mean, I do talk behind other comics' backs (I don't trust any comic who doesn't), but I don't tell everyone how amazing they are...even if they are amazing.

It's Not Us...It's Me

I was at a storytelling event last week with Josie when I ran into an old friend. It was crowded and he was on the way to the restroom, so when he asked me what's new, I quickly responded, "Not much, you know, doing the stand-up thing."

When he was gone from view, Josie turned to me, "You do know that you got married a year ago, right?"

Harris

Lotta Questions...No Answers

I was watching some show on the TLC channel (which, by the way, they should rename the "Thank God This Isn't You Network") when they went to commercial.

One commercial was for Jon and Kate plus 8, another was for Table for 12 (about a couple with 12 kids) and yet another for 18 And Counting (about a couple with 18 kids!).

I guess my question is - why does anyone watch the one with 8 kids (or even 12) if there's one with 18 kids? I assume people watch to see how these couples deal with all the kids, so wouldn't it make sense that they'd wanna watch the one with the most difficult job?

It kinda reminds me of buying bread in the supermarket. They have loaves of 8-grain bread next to 12-grain bread next to 15-grain bread.

Why would anyone buy the 8 grain bread? How long will it be till there's a 20 grain bread? Then again, are there 20 grains?

I have a headache.

Harris

A Harris Bloom Thanksgiving

When we went around the table to say what we're thankful for, my mom asked, "Can I say what I'm sad about?"

Good grief Harris Bloom.

Harris

Killing And Dying In Comedy

I've been working with the The New York Hysterical Society, doing mainly Jewish temple shows (btw - if any of my loyal, or not so loyal, readers would like us to organize a comedy night fundraiser for you, contact me).


I did one on Saturday night. I think the average age of the audience was about 95. I did well enough (you really don't wanna "kill" with this audience...you may actually kill) but I woulda done better if I had jokes with Barnaby Jones references, or better yet, Milton Berle.


After the show, a woman told me that she thought several of my jokes were "precious." I'm assuming that means good, in 1930-speak.


I actually did one several weeks ago where I (surprisingly) did very well, but I can't say the same for the MC. It was so quiet during his set, it had the feel of a shiva call... I sat in the back mourning him.

Harris

Deep Fried Turducken

Right now, the number one search on Yahoo is "deep fried turkucken."

I'm pretty sure that's cause that's what the pilgrims ate at the first Thanksgiving.

Harris

Harris Goes To College

As many of you know, I graduated from Queens College, living at home the entire time. Not going away to school is one of my big regrets (becoming a Jets fan is another). My, wife, Josie, has decided to do something about it.

My birthday is next week, and in honor of it, Josie is throwing me a "Harris Goes To College" pub crawl in Hell's Kitchen. I will be drinking till I puke. As I am not much of a drinker and the crawl starts at 6 PM, I expect that to be around 7:30. I am prepared for my frat-boy experience by reading tucker max, playing hackey sack in shorts and stocking up on roofies.

One problem will be that my sweet tooth extends to drinks. I can't tell you how many times I have ordered drinks for Josie and I, and when the waiter brings them, I had to give her the Guinness and take my Appletini.

The problem with that is sweet drinks make for a bad hangover (and I have to help a friend move the next day, followed by a show for 50 elderly Jews later...oy!) I can't drink beer cause, well, I don't really like it (I think someone is bringing a funnel but I think that's gonna be left unused).

My plan is to drink margaritas, but not just any margaritas, as my friend, and drinking guru, Doug Adler told me I have to only get them made with 100% agave tequila, whatever that is...He said I should ask for "silver margaritas." Yes, the mix will prolly give me the hangover, but the good alcohol will lessen it.

Or I may just funnel Appletinis all night. We'll see.

The review, tomorrow (Or more likely Sunday)

harris

The World Series

People asked me who I was rooting for since, as a Mets fan, the Yanks and Phils are both our arch-enemies.

I responded, "Just like in Rocky 5, I was rooting for the end."

Harris

Putting A Happy Face On

I love how animal rescue sites try to warn you about adoptable dogs' poor behavior by making it appealing - I saw one this morning that read, "...and Cody will love to decorate your house with toilet paper any chance she gets!"

If I wrote one for Kilo, here would be some tidbits.......

Kilo is so athletic, he will jump right up to your nose and bite it!

Kilo is good at whimpering or crying when he wants or needs something, which is all the time!

Kilo is great on the leash, assuming you consider lunging at other dogs great!

Kilo is so full of love and affection that he will continue to jump on you, no matter how many times you yell, "No!"

Kilo is so smart, he'll figure out how to get into your garbage can, eat the contents, and then throw up everywhere!

Harris

btw - these are jokes about Kilo, he's a great dog, and he's never thrown up...at least not after getting into the garbage, which he has done.

Bill Simmons ("The Sports Guy") Is An Idiot

This isn't gonna be about his deficiencies as a writer.

I mean, YES, he uses the same lines time and time again, and YES, it is ridiculous how he STILL uses Shawshank, The Karate Kid and Rocky movies to underscore his points. Also, his increased popularity, coinciding with his move to L.A. has changed his point of view, from "man of the people" to "check me out, hanging with Jimmy (that's Mr. Kimmel to you) while watching all ten games on my sweet plasma screen setup."

He also got kinda screwed by the fact that his Boston teams became good, and with that often comes mass hatred (pun intended) - I don't think he handles that well, incorporating an "eff you" bent to his columns, but whatever.

This is about his lack of knowledge of gambling, something he professes to know a lot about, and continually makes the same wrong point, as he did in his latest column when he wrote...

"I tried to determine a science for picking games in the first few weeks. Bookies are terrified of that stretch for this reason: There's no ironclad way to distinguish good teams from the bad teams yet."

My problem is with his declaration that "bookies are terrified."

Wrong.

Bookies don't set the lines. We do. All bookies care about is making sure that half the money goes to each team...that way they make coin no matter who covers.

A team like Dallas, which has a huge national following, gets a few points it's way just because it has so many fans who bet on them (bookies try to get gamblers to bet on their opposition). It has nothing to do with bookies liking Dallas.

I swear, every time he writes that I feel like getting The Sisters to pay him a visit. Or Byron Hadley. Or at least sweeping his leg.

Harris

Confused

Why is David Spade catching flak about his ad with the late Chris Farley? I don't recall anyone saying songs where dead people are singing to be in poor taste.

Harris

Rock and Roll All Night

Growing up, I wanted to join The Kiss Army but was rejected due to my asthma.

Harris

The State Of Comedy (I Need Somebody to Shove)

I was recently in two contests in Connecticut recently where I was pitted against 30 and 23 other comics.

In the first contest, unlike myself, they were all from Connecticut (I got in since I had done shows at this club).

I made it past the first round, which isn't saying a lot if you saw most of these other comics.

I made it past the second round though I was lil worried as, even though I was the best pure comic on the show, the crowd wasn't all that into me (of course that brings up the question as how can I be the best if I didn't get the most laughs...see the next sentence to see how I justify it). They preferred really hacky jokes about sex and stereotypes. I was still confident as this contest was not decided by audience laughter, but by actual judges. They wouldn't be swayed by the audience, who were cracking up at jokes so bad, I rarely even hear them at open mic nights.

They were.

I got eliminated in the third round. Just to give you an example of what I was up against, the guy who probably got the best crowd reaction had jokes like, "I got stopped by a Chinese cop...I had never seen a Chinese cop before so I rolled down the window and said, 'I'll take pork friend rice and dumplings.'" He then added, "So, I'm in jail."

This same comic got an applause break when asking why women look back when they are having sex doggystyle. "Is it because they want to make sure you're still there (laughs), or because they can't feel it so they want to make sure it's still in? (hysterics)"

This is what I lost to.

The second contest was worse. Without boring you with details, I made it past the first round but couldn't beat a few comics who were worse than most NY open micers in the next round.

Needless to say, I was burning. I was actually too shocked to be angry. I stood around assuming this had to be some sort of joke, then, upon realizing the joke was on me, I wondered if everyone was taking crazy pills.

Then came the anger. But who to be angry at? I can't be angry at the comics...they hear laughs so they have no reason to change. They are also getting approval from the judges. I can't even blame the judges. These weren't industry vets, they were hosts of morning shows and comedy websites (which, by and large, suck). So who to blame? Can I blame the audience for laughing?
No, they're just laughing at what they find funny. I can't blame the booker either...he's giving the audience what they want.

So, who can I blame? No one...

...and that's what sucks.

Harris

So, Whatcha Readin'?

I had a gig a few weeks ago where I took a train out of the city with another comic who was on the show. A comic that I disliked, and had no interest in talking to for a two-hour train ride.

"I think I'll bring a book, and when we sit down, I'll immediately open it," I had told Josie. Thinking about it, I continued, "Is that really rude?"
"Um, yes!"
So, I decided not to bring the book.

The day of the show, the other comic greeted me at the train station. We picked out our seats. As soon as we sat down, he took out a book."

Harris

Settling

Yesterday, while playing the Oakland Raiders, Jets QB Mark Sanchez was caught on the sidelines eating a hot dog.

When asked why he did it, Sanchez replied, "I couldn't find the fondue guy."

Harris

Another Day On The Subway

For those of you who don't live in NY, our subway system is in one way awesome (cheap way to get around), but also infuriating.

Not only do trains often run late, but it's pretty dirty down there and you have to deal with large amounts of people in a small space. And by and large, people suck (sorry if you're a person). Case in point, the person I saw having an argument yesterday.

Fact is, we all think we're right when we get into arguments, but I really wonder what this one dude told his friends after his encounter. I'm guessing it was like....

"You wouldn't believe this - So i'm on the subway, me and my bike...and we're taking up four seats....me one, the bike three, you know – I mean, it’s a mountain bike, right? And this old woman gets on asking me to move my bike... unbelievable, right? So, I just say, where do you want me to put it? She’s got nothing, it was beautiful… This dude takes her side, saying I’m being rude…I’M being rude! He's interrupting a private convo and I'M the rude one! Besides, my bike was there first. I mean, sure, she had a cane and all, but still."

harris

I Answer Fan Mail

Dear Mr. Balls,

As you may recall, I was the emcee of the stand-up comedy show you recently attended.

First of all, I'd like to thank you for filling out the comment card as I requested during the show. Not many people do, and we really do appreciate your thoughts. However, I have a few questions regarding your comments.

1. When asked for your name, you wrote "Suck my Balls." I guess I'm more curious than anything as I've never heard of anyone with that name. Is it of Native American origin?

2. For Day Phone, you wrote "None of your business!" which at first glance, I thought was a witty double entendre...I even chuckled. But then I saw....

3. Under Evening Phone, you wrote "Same As Above." Though we understand and appreciate your desire to keep your anonymity in today's crazy world, I assure you, our intentions are purely honorable as we merely want to supply you with free tickets to an upcoming show!

4. You listed "eatmeraw.com" as your e-mail address. Obviously, a miscue on your part as surely you know that's a website (which is un-registered by the way). We did try to contact you via eatmeraw@yahoo.com, but it came back as undeliverable.

5. When asked, "What show did you see?" - You wrote "The shitty ass show." I can sort of understand this answer as the show you attended didn't have an actual name or theme, so you chose to refer to it by one of the comics' longish bits. We took the liberty of adding the day of the week, which you neglected to check off (Otherwise, it would get confusing as several of our roster of comics have bits about their bowels).

6. Under "How did you hear about this club," you wrote "You're mama." If you meant the mother of the club owner, then I'm afraid someone sold you a bill of goods (weird saying, no?) as the owner's mother passed away several years ago. Also, you wrote "you're" when you meant "your" - not a big deal as I'm not a sticker for grammar, but that just so happens to be a pet peeve.

7. Ironically, you left blank the "On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate the show?" question. We consider this the most important question on the card as we are dedicated to bringing you the finest in comedic entertainment.

So, seriously, did you enjoy the show?

Sincerely,

Harris Bloom

Cutting Off My Nose

Last week, I went to my favorite empanada restaurant for take out. It's really loud in there and wasn't sure the waitress heard me correctly. Sure enough, when I looked at my receipt, she had charged me for four beef empanadas and not four chicken ones.

When I told her of her miscue, she said, "I'll change it but you told me beef."

Now, I know I didn't say beef. Though I normally do order beef, I was ordering for me and my wife and decided to go the healthier chicken route with her.

My guess is when I said "four baked chicken empanadas," she heard "beef" instead of "baked." (Though you'd think she'd have asked what are beef chicken emps?")

Anyway, I'm not sure if I was angry cause they keep it so loud that I'm not shocked that these mistakes occur or cause the mistake was a small one and the waitress should've just employed the "Customer is always right" rule, but I wanted to I got indignant and decided to win the argument.

I said, "I know I said chicken. I haven't eaten meat in over twenty years!"

And that was that.

Ba-Daooowww!!!

I win!!

Of course, now every time I go there, I have to see if she's there before ordering my usual beef empanadas.

D'oh!

harris

Workin' For The Mob

I got permission from the producer of the show to write this (I was afraid to otherwise)...

I did a show last week in a lounge in NY's meatpacking district. I found the gig on Craigslist. By the way, nine out of ten stories that begin with, "So, I looked on Craigslist..." ends with "Well, that's what I get for looking on Craigslist!" And this was not the exception to the rule.

This guy, Vinnie Parco, emailed me the day of the show, asking if I can do it. I didn't even remember responding to the ad so I called him to see what he was all about. Turns out, he's a P.I., who works on some reality show on Court TV.

He told me, in a Queens/Brooklyn accent, the show is supposed to start at 7:30 but may start late as a lot of his friends are coming in from Howard Beach. I asked how much time I had to perform, he responded, "Ya get ten minutes, more if you're doing well, and we'll kill you if you're not." Then, he laughed. So I did.

"I'm jus' kiddin' ya!" He said.

"I figured."

"Sorta..."

"Wait. What?"

I assumed I was kiddin' of course, but when I got to the venue, I began to wonder.

I arrived at 7:00. Vinnie was there, talking to a couple of ladies in front. I introduced myself and he said we'll get started as soon as the guests arrive. I took a seat in the lounge and watched Vinnie greet people. He kissed everyone on both cheeks. The guests looked like they walked out of central casting - men, with slicked black hair, barrel chests and impeccably tailored suits; the women all looked like they woulda blended well hangin' with Carmela Soprano.

Vinnie introduced me to one of his friends. I forgot his name but Vinnie told me he just got released from jail. He was there for six years as a partner of Victoria Gotti's husband (and I'm not looking it up...I don't even wanna know his name).

As I waited for the show to start, I texted Josie to tell her what was going on. She suggested I tell them my her maiden name (she's Italian) to get them on my good side.

"Good idea!"


Finally, around 9 PM, the show started. Not only was I first, but Vinnie didn't really warm up the crowd before inviting me on stage.

"For our first comedian, here's, umm, Harry... Harrison..."

Walking up, I helped, whispering "Harris Bloom!"

"Oh yeah, Harris Bloom, everyone!"


Worried how my act would be received, I decided that if I was gonna go down, I was gonna go down with my good stuff...I abandoned any notion of doing any new material and decided to do my Best Set. I was nervous enough to have wished I took a pill before leaving the apartment.


Thankfully, I did well. I even had a lil fun during my set with the audience. When I noticed that three (scary-looking) men to the side weren't laughing at all, I said, "I feel like you guys are the ones I should be trying hard to impress."

"You got that right!" One said, to the delight of the crowd. He continued, "Ya ever do a show with two gangsters sitting with an FBI agent?"

"Nope, I believe this is a first. Does it help if I told you my wife's maiden name is XXXX?"

"Sure, it helps her!"

"Touche!" I gave him that one, and moved on.


After getting offstage, several audience members shook my hand, congratulating me on my performance (while another comic was onstage no less).

All in all, the show was fun. They asked me to stay and hang out, but having found the one out of ten Craigslist ads that work out (even if it was a lil touch and go), I wasn't about to press my luck.

Rock On,

Aitch

Josie's Birthday!

We bought a couch on her birthday. Thoughtful as she is, she insisted on a sofabed, so I have somewhere to sleep when we fight.

We celebrated (the couch and birthday) with a bowling party, cause, that's how we roll.

Aww c'mon! That's funny!

Harris

It's Been Awhile

Hey gang!

Between something happening to work computer where I can't get into my own blog here and just laziness, I haven't been round these parts in a while...sorry to the three of you saddened by this.

I'll start up again by telling you I was in Delaware last week - great time around Bethany Beach area...even did a comedy show at Wahoo's... which is pretty much as it sounds.

Anyway, one bizarre thing I encountered was how the main highway has signs posted warning of "turtle crossing."

Has anyone avoided a turtle when going 65 mph? How big are these turtles?

Personally, I didn't see any turtles on the road, though I did hit a few rocks.

Oh, shoot.

harris

Random Pics

Haven't felt like posting much, but here are some pics for youse...

An actual "Thank you" letter...

As you can see, I wasn't the only one of us with an awkward childhood...

I was green before green was cool -

Um, is that a lion taking a crap on a toilet?

Josie at Stan's (a famous bar) after a Yankee game...

Me at Stan's after a Yankee game...

harris

Comedy's Dirty Little Secret

As you should know, I suffer from performance anxiety. When I told this to a headliner friend, she told me that a lot of comics take beta blockers. So I started taking them before important shows.

Fast forward to this Friday night, where I was showcasing my incredible talents for this booker in Connecticut. I did a great 12 minute set. Unfortunately, I was onstage for 15 minutes. The problem? I forgot to take a pill before the show.

Around the 12 minute mark, I forgot what I planned to do for my next bit. A normal comic would probably be able to just think of another joke in their repertoire, but I couldn't. Even though I have about 30/35 minutes of material I'd feel comfortable doing in an A club, I couldn't remember any of them. I started doing crowd work, trying to remember any joke. The only jokes I could recall were either ones that I hadn't done in a couple of years and ones that I had just written and hadn't even put up on any show yet.

Of course on the tain ride home (which took forever), I thought of all the jokes I coulda/shoulda done, including my jokes about having stage fright.

Ugh.

Harris

The Dog Guru - A Review

So, in an effort to better train Kilo*, we decided to get a dog trainer. Christina, the woman from the rescue org, recommended Raja Shah, who owns The Dog Guru Inc. I spoke to him on the phone and set up an appointment via his site.

Raja was supposed to show at 1 PM yesterday. At 1:20 I called him. He forgot he had an appointment as he was sleeping. Bizarrely enough, he wasn't apologetic either. Awesome. He did say he'd call me back when he fully wakes up. I'm still waiting for that call.

Long story short, anyone who finds this post by searching for Raja Shah, or The Dog Guru on 43rd Street in Queens, DO NOT use him.

Harris

* And when I say "better train," I mean "train."

Shadier Than Wall Street

I've worked on Wall Street for 15 years (btw - I make less now than I did eight years ago...that shows what a great accountant I am). Anyway, though I've only been doing comedy for four years, I'm ready to pronounce the business as shadier than Wall Street for a variety of reasons. Reason number 42,509 took place yesterday.

I answered this ad on Craigslist looking for a comic. The ad (if yer too busy or disinterested to click on the link, or if it was taken down) promised a 15 minute spot and claimed the gig was a paying one. Cool!

I wrote to the guy, and soon thereafter, he (a comic named Will Shepherd) wrote me back, asking me for my phone number. He called immediately.

Will told me about the show, the opportunity to do 15 minutes, blah, blah, blah, and said I'd get paid $5 bucks for every person who comes to see me, and, oh yeah, I have to bring five people to perform.

The only question I had was whether he would actually hear me rolling my eyes.

harris

Muggers With Hearts Of Gold

After my show Saturday, I met up with a few guys who lived in my courtyard growing up. I hadn't seen these guys in about 25 years.

We recounted old stories including the time one of them and another buddy of ours got mugged in Flushing Meadow Park while riding new bicycles. The muggers took their bikes, leaving them the old bikes they were riding...which makes sense. I mean, it would prolly be a pain to carry the old bikes with them.

Another time, one of them got mugged at knife-point. The guy asked him what he had in his brown bag.
"Lunch."
"What is it?"
"Peanut butter and jelly."

The mugger then took his lunch... and gave my buddy his knife. And that's how my bud got his first knife.

I'd love to know if there was some Rules of Mugging involving leaving the muggee with something of value, cause when I got mugged, I got nutin'.

harris

This One For Comics Only

MC'ing a show at Gotham on Saturday, this comic blew the light. I had to clap him offstage (aaawwwkwarrrd!).

Afterwards, he apologized for his behavior saying, "I just didn't see the light."

This is would a decent excuse except that once the light went on, he asked, "Was that the light?"

I replied from the side, Yes."

harris

btw - Favorite thing about his act - every time audience member talked during his set, he scolded them with, "Hey, don't steal my thunder" - which was funny as he wasn't exactly lighting it up.

Playing The (Doggie) Race Card

So, I've been taking Kilo, my foster charge, to the dog run. He's really well-behaved, pretty much ignoring people and other dogs while keeping a tennis ball clenched in his jaw. He'll extend it to me, but only to play tug of war... an unwinnable war from my end (so far).

Anyway, last night I ventured into the run, where there was only one dog present (it was raining). Once Kilo entered, this other dog proceeded to chase Kilo, nipping at his ears.

Kilo really wasn't into it, running away while snapping at the other dog to keep him at bay. The other dog's owner, seeing what was going on, tried half-heartedly to call her dog away, but he ignored her. Eventually, she gave up and laughed, telling me, "I guess my dog's gonna make your dog play, whether he likes it or not."

I smiled back at her, and replied, "Yeah, well, as you can see, he's friendly, but he is a pit bull. I just hope he doesn't snap."

She immediately, and far more urgently, called her dog, who followed her out of the run.

harris

So You're Telling Me It's Derivative?

This weekend, I started passing posters for this new horror flick, The Collector.

Under the title it said, From The Writers of Saw 4, 5 and 6. Now, I like horror films, and I didn’t even know there was a Saw 6. I did see the 4th one and all I gotta say is, I wouldn’t brag about writing it. It wasn’t exactly Catch 22. I mean, you’ll never see a mafia movie advertised as From the writer of the Godfather 3!

Harris

I Wouldn't Say I'm Overly Excited

Someone asked me if I was gonna see the new Harry Potter flick.

I replied, "Yeah, if Josie can't find anyone else to go with."

Harris

Sotomayor Refuses To Discuss Abortion (Not Hers)

I love it how Supreme Court nominees don't have to say how they would vote on specific topics, like abortion.

I'd love to be able to go on a job interview and when dude asks what my weaknesses are, I'd say, "You'll see."

Harris

Just Don't Look In The Closet

Okay, I'm not the most handy of men. That's been proven time and time again.

But this is ridiculous (and, yeah, I'm leaving it this way, as it was the best I could do)...

harris

We Have A Winner!

As told in my Breakfast Bigamy post below, I was conflicted about my choice of breakfast cart...until this morning.

Hungry, I decided to get the eggs/cheese/roll from Johnny Come Lately. Sure, he asked me about my weekend and all...I couldn't care less...but he gave me free bacon.

My choice has been made.

Harris

Breakfast Bigamy

For the last six or seven years, I've gone to the same breakfast cart on the way to work, and got the same breakfast muffin (the guy in it starts wrapping it when he sees me).

Recently, a new, bigger cart has opened its doors, well, window, closer to my office. And this one makes egg sandwiches. A few times during the past month, I've cheated on my regular dude to go to this WalMart of Breakfast Carts. I felt bad but hey, eggs!

Anyway, after getting eggs yesterday, I just went to my old guy and got a muffin today. Only problem is that I had to walk past WalMart, which I did...and the owner first smiled, but then, seeing I already had a brown paper bag, gave me a sad look like I stole his puppy.

So my choice going forward is either 1. eat at WalMart, eggs or otherwise, or 2. Walk three blocks out of my way to avoid The Eyes of WalMart.

harris

Shout Out

Today's Josie and my two year anniversary of our first date.

I have no idea what my life would be like without her, and I don't want to know.

Love you.

Harris

The Tell

At work, I can always tell when "important people" are here from our parent company - Lunch in the conference room is being delivered by the good Italian restaurant.

harris

Josie Isn't The Coddling Type

One would think that a husband's concern for his wife's safety would be met with adoring love by the wife. Not Josie.

Since yesterday's slight overreaction on my part, Josie's been calling me up, pretending to be kidnappers looking for ransom. Whatever...

I am used to her mocking my little eccentricities. For example, Josie thinks I'm a bit of a hypochondriac (I still have that pain by the way...jus' sayin'). I told her that I weighed myself and have gained ten pounds.

She said, "Funny you say that, I just read somewhere that the average brain tumor is ten pounds."

Can't wait till we have kids.

harris

My Wife Was (Almost) Kidnapped

When I got home from walking Kilo this morning, I fed him, took some cereal for myself, and walked into the living room. I thought it was odd that the bedroom door was open (I left it closed) with no noise emanating from the bedroom, so I peaked in. Josie was not in bed. I could feel a slight panic rise within. I called her name. No answer.

She had told me she slipped in the shower the other day so I ran into the bathroom, not really expecting to see her since the light was off, but I had to check. No one there. I called her name again. Nothing.

I looked around the bedroom - no sign of a struggle. I tried to reason with myself.

Why would anyone kidnap her? We couldn't pay any ransom. While sure, I do have lots of enemies, I don't think they care that much. She probably went to the gym. Yeah, that's the logical thing to think.

I thought about it for a second. Then I called her name again. Nothing.

I ran to the closets, again, not really thinking she was in there, even if this was a joke, she woulda given up already, but I had to check. Just clothes and shoes.

Then I remembered this weird call I got while walking Kilo. A hang-up from a foreign number (foreign to me, not from a different country). Someone with an accent was on the other line, but after I asked who it was, they hung up. By then, I was sweating. What the heck?!? I called her cell phone. No answer. Left a message, then a text message.

Ah, she must be at the gym. Pull it together, Harris.

I tried to act normal, put my work clothes on, watched NY1 for the weather report, etc. Then, I looked for a note - preferably one from Josie explaining that she went to the gym, but also, for a ransom note.

Forcing myself to act semi-rationally, I left the apartment for work, hoping to run into Josie on the way to the subway. I was going to stop off at the gym to see if she checked in, but thought better of it.

Seriously, Harris? Kidnapping is your immediate thought?

So, I got on the subway and went to work, all the while watching my cell to see any incoming calls. I watched other glum-looking people going to work wondering if they knew anyone who's been kidnapped.

I walked out of the subway trying to will the phone to ring. And it did...I saw it was Josie, or someone on her phone...
"Hey," Josie said, "Yeah, I went to the gym. Sorry I didn't leave a note."
"No problem," I replied, as cool as ever.
"If it was 'no problem,' then why'd you leave a panicked message for me pleading to call you immediately?"

Harris

Sounds Like A Joke

How do you bathe a 50 pound pit bull that doesn't wanna be bathed?

No, seriously, I dunno the answer.

I don't want my wife to think I'm scared of Kilo, but I'm not sure how long she's gonna go for the "I actually like the smell of dog and mud!" reasoning.

harris

The Bachelorette Is An Idiot

Okay, so The Bachelor sucked but Josie insisted on watching this season's Bachelorette. I did think Jillian was pretty cool last season and was sorry she seemed to get screwed (and she has an AWESOME last name - Harris). But after watching her on The Bachelorette? I don't feel so bad for her...

It's fairly obvious that she gets "screwed" in matters of love because she's a moron. Not only have two different bachelor's bothered to tell her that Wes is there for "the wrong reasons" (btw - to me, the wrong reason would be to find love - who the heck thinks a dating show would be the best way to find a spouse?) but one of them, Jake, interrupted his regular life to come back after he was eliminated to do so.

Either Jake's got a little Walter Mitty in him ("Oh Jake, for coming back and exposing Wes for the jerk that he is, I want to end this competition and just marry you!...In spite of the fact that you're too perfect") OR Wes really is disliked by all.

Anyway, Jillian still gives Wes a rose at the end of last night's show, even though his response to the accusations seemed half-hearted at best. I expected him to ask, "Does anyone have tape of me saying I have a girlfriend? No? Then I don't."

At this point, I hope she does end up picking Wes. I'm sure the three of them will be very happy together.

harris

...And That's How Josie and I Ended Up With Kilo.

As I (and you) should've expected, the adoption didn't happen.

The woman who was adopting Kilo e-mailed me last night to say her situation changed and she cannot take him. Needless to say, I, and my contact at the rescue org, weren't exactly happy about her about face ten hours before the hand-off was to take place, but what can ya do?

So, I'm sitting here typing this as Kilo begs me to climb onto the sofa ("No!", "Get Down!", "No!") every few minutes, whines as I eat cereal in front of him, and will scream bloody murder as I make any move to take him out for a walk in a half-hour.

But I wouldn't have it any other way...

Just kiddin' - told the woman form the rescue org to get a trainer over here pronto.

(Hey, I'm not Job).

harris

You Can't Judge A Dog By Its Breed

I had to warn kids about approaching my last dog, Stewie, as though he looked like the sweetest lil 17 pound yorkie mix in the world, he wouldn't think twice before lunging at them with bad intentions.

I don't have to warn kids about approaching Kilo, as no one approaches a muscular, 50 pound pit bull mix. Too bad, as he's a complete sweetheart. Even at the dog run this morning, when another dog stole Kilo's ball, he just came back to me, tail wagging.

Monday, Kilo goes to his new (and hopefully permanent) home. Gonna miss him.

harris

Damn That Isaac Newton!

I was at the gym when this dude explained to me why he had a beer belly.

"I used to have a muscular chest but I slowed down my workouts and gravity took over, so now I have a gut."

Yeah, it's gravity.

harris

Progress?

The original version of the movie The Bad News Bears had a scene that I knew would never make it to the remake... sure enough it didn't.

Is that progress?

harris

Excuse Me, But Where Is The Nearest Water Fountain?

Having a dog who is 50 pounds of muscle and pulls on the leash, even if he's choking himself, has unintended consequences.

You know, like when you're in the middle of picking up his diarrhea and he sees a squirrel.

Ugh.

harris

Yes, He's Walking Me

I used to joke that walking Stewie was like walking a bumblebee - he was all over the place.

Walking Kilo, I feel like I'm in a Marmaduke comic...

Foster Parents

Craigslist is a dangerous place. You can get scammed (google "craigslist scams") killed (google "craigslist killer") or end up fostering an energetic, completely untrained pit bull mix.

Guess which one Josie and I fell victim to?

Wandering around Craigslist on Friday, I came across the ad for an older dog that was about to be euthanized. Though I'm not sure I'm ready for another dog yet, I pretty much decided this dog wasn't gonna die. Something good had to come out of Stewie's death.

His name is "Kilo." The name is in quotes cause I don't know if that's his real name cause "Kilo" doesn't respond to his name.

He's "nine" years old. The "nine" is in quotes because there's no way he's nine. He's waaaay too energetic, his eyes are too clear and his teeth are too white and solid.

When we asked the woman from the rescue organization what breed he was, she said, "Oh, he's part Staffie, part Terrier, I'm guessing part German Shepard, and maybe (cough, cough) part Pit Bull." When we got his official papers, in the breed category, it read, "Pit Bull Mix" (and his head is totally Pit Bull except for his ears, which are Terrier)

Anyway, I have no idea what his previous owner's deal was, but Kilo is completely untrained (though he does go to the bathroom outside). He barely knows "sit," forget about "stay," "down," or "fetch me my slippers."

Walking him is a challenge. He pulls with all of his muscular 50 pounds, even when I tried a choke collar (he sounded like he was choking, even while continuing to pull). He saw a squirrel this morning...I almost lost an arm.

He constantly cries, whimpers, and/or yelps. I assume he's sad cause he doesn't know what's going on...spent a week at the shelter and is now in another unfamiliar environment. Thanks to his stay at the shelter he also has kennel cough, really bad too. At least his diarrhea seems to be under control (he took two dumps in our apartment).

He's also really sweet, displays no aggression, wags his tail often and is pretty happy to just lie next to the sofa (though he oddly doesn't like being petted).

I'm happy to be able to help save such a great dog, whose definitely had some bad breaks.

Then again, I'm also saving myself.

harris

"Kilo"

Someone's Getting Fired

harris

I'm Not Sure What's More Lame...

The guys on The Bachelorette, or that I skipped the gym this past week to watch it.

harris

The Best Part Of A T & T Park?

harris

Better Post Tomorrow ...

For today, please vote for me here.

It only takes a second (and remember to vote for FIVE smiley faces - one of my "smarter friends" apologized to me for voting the one smiley face.)

thanks!

harris

Overheard At The Gym

"I like Tru Blood more than Twilight...It's more real."

harris

I Got Boo'ed At A SF Giants Game

Yes, boo'ed.

Okay, so Josie and I got tix to see the San Francisco Giants - our seats were in the second row of the upper deck, right behind home plate (great park, btw). Here is the view to the field... The important part of the pic is the gate...remember that!

Our seats were on (in?) the aisle. In the inning, the batter juuuust got under one, and popped it back towards us....and when I say "towards," I mean like "six inches away." At first, I cupped my hands, ready to catch it ("Two hands, Harris!") , but then I saw it was gonna hit the railing.

In that split second, I pictured it bouncing off at an odd angle, and smacking into my wife's beautiful face... I couldn't let that happen, so I bodied up in front of her, ready to take the blow myself (Josie recalls it a bit differently - she thinks I closed my eyes, shrunk down in my seat, and screeched...whatever!)

Anyway, the ball bounced a few inches away, off the step I was seated ext to, and caromed down to the level below us, precipitating said boos.

At least Josie said they were "boo's" - I thought they were chanting "Bloooooom!"

harris

Getting Old - Part Two

Second in a Series

San Francisco is ridiculously windy - We found out that 65 degrees here aint the same as 65 degrees there. Even having the wind at our backs, as we did for a half-hour walk from Fisherman's Wharf to The Ferry Building, isn't necessarily a good thing...as we both woke up the next day with back aches. At least, we assume that's why we both woke up with back aches.

Memo to self - If wind injures you, may be time to get back into the gym.

harris

Wait...That's Us?!?

In San Francisco, Josie and I stopped to have our caricatures done...
harris

I Left My Harp In Sam Clam's Disco

Just back from Napa Valley/Stinson Beach/San Francisco - fun times...more later, but for now, I'll just tell you that I managed to get booed at a SF Giants game, and almost got a tattoo because of said booing.

I do wanna thank the people behind Comedy Off Broadway, The Clubhouse, and Live at DeLuxe, for having me on. They are all great rooms, with packed shows. Thanks!

rock on,

aitch

Goin' Back To Cali, Outrageous, Contagious....

Heading west manana morning till June 3rd. Gonna hit Napa, Stinson Beach, and finally San Francisco. I will prolly blog once or twice (unless Josie can help it).

Anyone reading this in Oakland/SF, I'll be doing some shows while there...check my sched here.

layta

harris

From The Key Grip Who Brought You...

I saw a billboard yesterday for the upcoming flick, The Hangover. It was advertised as coming from the director who brought you Old School, which was a good flick but did anyone see it and say, "Wow! What directing!" ?

It's not like it's Madea Goes To Jail, where the director should definitely put his name on top.

harris

I Think Someone Had A Dream

Upon waking, Josie asked, "You would give me more than five minutes notice if you needed to go to Serbia to do Regulatory Accounting work, right?"

harris

Some Things Never Change (And Some Do)

Last Saturday was my year high school reunion. Yup, I brought the wife, just to prove to everyone, that, I did eventually start dating (see pic below and you'll get a good idea why I didn't date in high school).

Out of a graduating class of 773, only about 60 showed. To be honest, it didn't matter for me as they coulda had 500 there and I still woulda ended up leaning against a wall, begging my wife to pretend she was a classmate, so I wasn't the dude just talking to his wife.

A few bullet points (without the bullets) -

- Though I didn't wanna wear a name tag, it soon became apparent that if I didn't, no one would recognize me (then again, based on the pic below, that's prolly a good thing), so I slapped one on.

- I got a lot of "Hmmm...Harris Bloom...the name rings a bell" - I interacted with so few people that few really remembered who I was

- When I informed people that I was, in fact, on the bowling team, the normal response was, "We had a bowling team?"

- My favorite story occurred on the way to the reunion. A former classmate who picked us up at the train station told us that she got kicked out of karate school cause she refused to bow to her teacher, who she thought was too young.

- Maybe I've seen too many sit-coms, but I was expecting to see all the popular kids fat and down on their luck, and the losers to be models and captains of industry. But everyone seemed to be doing well...normal jobs, raising kids, still living in the area (for the most part). Good for them, but lousy for my stand-up act.

- A few classmates gave me an across-the-room thumbs up. I looked behind me to make sure they weren't gesturing to someone behind me but unless they were impressed by the wall, it was me. I walked over. Seems as though I was voted (informally) "Most Improved" - Still not sure i if it means anything (I mean, have you seen the picture?!?).

- I had crushes on three girls during my high school years - one was the "non-attainable* rocker chick," who didn't show - one was the "semi-attainable* cool chick" who did show, but any crush I had was gone - and the third was the "more-attainable* cool-geek chick" who showed, and I still had trouble talking to. In fact, the first time I passed her, I smiled, and think I muttered, "Hi." I don't even remember cause I was so nervous.

When I decided to talk to her later, I nervously fidgeted while watching her out of the corner of my eye (good thing I still didn't look like my pic..I'd have looked like a stalker), waiting till she was alone. I finally made my way over, and once I did, I was fine, talking like a normal person**. Guess I have changed since high school.

btw - did you see that picture?!?

harris

* My definition of "attainability" would be as it relates to normal people, not me. None were even slightly attainable as far as I was concerned.

** This is also me performing - nervous beforehand, but fine once I hit the stage.

High School Reunion

Had my high school reunion Saturday night. Details forthcoming, but for now, I present to you, in all of its glory, my high school yearbook pic...

harris

Rock Of Ages - My (Second) Review

Now that Rock of Ages is on Broadway, and my bud is making his Broadway debut (never that I'd ever write that sentence in my lifetime), I saw it again.

Really, a fun show - Constantine Maroulis is perfect for the role, the supporting actors are all good, and the back-up drummer totally rocks (Ronnie!!!).

I have to admit that I was in tears for most of the show, for the same reason people cried when Obama became President - I never thought I'd get to hear Quiet Riot on Broadway in my lifetime. Yup, same reason.

I don't like to brag, but I was in a band during high school. For a week. Our first song was going to be a cover of "The Time Warp" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. We quit when we realized that none of us could play any instruments. Or sing. We were basically The Sex Pistols without the attitude or the drug habit.

harris

Then We've Got Bigger Problems

I don't know how to swim.

This bothers my wife as she recently expressed in an e-mail...

"What if we want to go on a cruise? Or Kayak in the Hudson? Or there's a tsunami?"

A tsunami?

harris

One Article To Avoid

Featured "human interest" articles on Yahoo's main page are often ridiculous, but I think this one is the worst (only cause it's the current one - tomorrow will have a new worst).

7 topics to avoid if you don't want to be a bore? I can make an argument that not only are they all viable conversation starters at a party, but, conversely (or inversely?) to their point, all have ways the listener to totally join in.

I'm not gonna bore you with breakdown's of each...let's just do the first and last -

1 - a dream - now, obviously, if your dream is boring, then, yeah, don't talk about it...but then again, that goes with anything. And, if your dream story may enable someone else to talk about theirs...and the conversation blooms...

7 - The plot of a movie, play or book—in particular, the funny parts - Huh? How many party conversations don't entail discussing books, play, or movies, and especially the funny parts? I seriously think this woman must've had six, thought seven is needed for a list, and just wrote this down, even though it's asinine.

The only thing I don't talk about at parties is how I don't want Col. Jessup on that wall, I need him on that wall.

But I'd love to know what the author, Gretchen Rubin, does talk about at parties.

Than again, maybe I'm a bore at parties.

harris

Stay Classy, Queens

I was walking around my old hood in Queens when I came across this sign in a liquor store...

That's what everyone's looking for in a wine, right? Slammability?

harris

p.s. my friend said, "C'mon, it's not a chick!"

Ahh, Queens....

The Millionaire Matchmaker

I never watch the show as I find her nauseating but was flipping around yesterday when I saw her talking to someone in his 40's but was desperately, and unconvincingly, trying to look younger.

She said, "We'll get you some botox, change your hair, just try to youth-anize you."

Neither one of them laughed, smirked, or even changed expressions, so I assume neither one of them knew what she was saying.

harris

My Doc Has A Case Of The Mondays

I never mind hearing "Ya ever have one of those days ya just don't feel like working?" from a co-worker.

I'm less thrilled when hearing it from my doctor.

harris

'Nuf said

Someone asked me how my mother's day was.

I responded, "The food was good."

harris

I Wont Need Anaesthesia

I'm having a test done tomorrow where I have to drink only clear liquids today. My friend suggested Grey Goose.

harris

I Should Start An "Awkward Moment Of The Week" Series

Yesterday, it was raining (As it has been for three days) when I had to catch a bus. While waiting, an elderly black woman with a walker joined me, but she didn't have an umbrella. She thanked me when I asked her if she wanted to share my umbrella. And so began the most awkward ten minutes of this week.

I mean, seriously, after, "What 'bout this rain?" what else was there? I'll tell you what...

After two minutes - Man, where is this bus?
After five minutes - Is that it? No.
After eight minutes - No, I think that's a truck.
After ten minutes - Just so ya know, I voted for Obama.

harris

Run For Your Lives!

Last week, Mayor Bloomberg tried out his Mother Bloom impression. I also heard Obama say that it was reason for caution, but not panic."

My question is...Will he let us know when it is time for panic?

harris

Synergy

Drove down (up?) to PA a week ago. In addition to a few regular gun shops, we passed one store that was advertised as a "Clothing/Guns Store"

I wonder if the "clothing" section featured bulletproof vests.

harris

Platform? What's A Platform?

This guy must be quite the candidate...

Gonna post here if link goes bad....

US Senate Candidate Seeks Talented, Inspirational Speechwriter (New York City / State)

Reply to: mailto:gigs-gqgxm-1145292537@craigslist.org?subject=US%20Senate%20Candidate%20Seeks%20Talented,%20Inspirational%20Speechwriter%20(New%20York%20City%20/%20State) [Errors when replying to ads?]Date: 2009-04-28, 11:34PM EDT
Probable candidate in the United States Senate special primary in New York in 2010 seeks young, well-rounded, dedicated speechwriter with prior experience writing political speeches. Candidate is early 40s, pragmatic progressive (in the Obama vein) with over 30 years in grassroots Democratic politics and diverse, entrepreneurial career. Applicants must believe strongly in government's ability to promote the common good, be pro gun control and immigrant, and be committed to changing the way Washington operates. Strong understanding of small business, finance, energy, and education issues helpful. Degree in political science, economics, another social science, and/or business a plus. Position is volunteer to begin with, but could quickly turn into a full-time paid position. Please forward RESUME WITH COVER LETTER for consideration.
Location: New York City / State
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay

So, he's looking for a speechwriter to work for no pay (at first)...and he wants to find him/her, on Craigslist!

All I can say is, wow, Rudy Giuliani has really fallen on hard times, huh?

harris

What Exactly Is In Those Eggs?

I saw this sign outside a cafe this morning...

Why the quotation marks around "eggs?"

Reminded me of a favorite site.

harris

The Only Time I'll Ever Hear That Comparison

A comic told me that part of my persona reminds him of early Chris Rock.

Since he told me that, I've been working on a new bit called, "The difference between white people and crackas!"

harris

I Am The Most Awkward Person In The Universe

I had a spot at a club last night that doesn't normally give me spots.

Maybe it was due to nerves but when I walked up to the door, I noticed the club managers, security and other employees talking inside. I decided not to walk in, so I just hung outside. One of the managers came out to smoke so, naturally, I put my cell phone to my ear and pretended I was talking to someone.

No, I have no idea why I did that, but it was a very long two minute conversation I had with no one.

harris

The Swine Flu w/ Dr. Obvious!

I saw Mayor Bloomberg had a press conference where he told citizens of Gotham who had fevers, coughs and sore throats to stay in, and to cover your mouth when you sneeze or cough.

Then he introduced his new advisor, Dr. Obvious.

harris

Getting Old - Part One

I'm pretty sure this is the first sign I'm getting old...

In my twenties, I could hang out in the park all day, and still be fine to go out at night.

In my thirties, I spend all day in the park, and I start to make ridiculous excuses, like, "The sun is tiring, and what with all that reading! If we're going out tonite, I need a nap."

Anyway, please vote...and stay out the sun, it's tiring.

http://festival.souljoelproductions.com/results

harris

Backfire?

After looking at some pictures of us, my mom said that Josie and I looked like brother and sister (I know, we're creeped out too)... but it did give me an idea...

She may go to my high school reunion as me, claiming I finally got the operation.

Only thing is, I wonder if someone's gonna say, "You know, I didn't wanna say anything, but I always suspected..."

harris

It Tastes Fruity WIth Hints Of Oak And Metal

I just found out that the lead singer of '80's metal band Queensryche (yes, they still make albums and tour...in fact they are on one now...but they'll always be an '80's band to me), Geoff Tate (best voice in metal in my opinion) has his own wine brand.

After seeing Scott Ian (of Anthrax) bidding on necklaces at an auction on The Celebrity Apprentice this week, and now this, I'm expecting to hear that Lemmee from Motorhead is now a truffle farmer in the south of France (or where ever truffles are mined).

harris

The Celebrity Apprentice

I'd like to thank The Celebrity Apprentice for showing the world that Joan and Melissa Rivers are the most co-dependant mother/daughter team since Big Edie and Little Edie.

Though the Rivers' are far more annoying.

harris

Couldn't He Just Show "Wax On?"

Someone came to my show last night who I haven't seen since High School - When I asked him if he'd seen anyone else from good ol' John Bowne HS, he said he saw one dude who was now a black belt.

"Really?"

"Yeah, I asked him to show me some moves, and he kicked me in the head."

It was the funniest line all night.

harris

Picture Blog

Me, drinking my first glass of plum wine...

Me, after my second glass...

harris

It's All In The Delivery

I've found that when talking to a girlfriend or wife about another woman, there's a huge difference between...

I don't think she's prettier than YOU.

and

I don't THINK she's prettier than you.

harris

Facebook

I was forced to "delete" a few friends on Facebook for annoying status updates. And then I got caught. Sorta.

This dude wrote to me saying he thought we were friends on Facebook. I replied that I thought so too, but sometimes I think the system screws up and I lose someone.

"Yeah, that's probably what happened, "he answered, "That's happened to me a lot."

harris

Thanks?

Talking to a friend last night...

Her - I voted for you like three times already!
Me - But I've sent you out daily email reminders for two weeks.
Her - Well, I don't check that email every day.
Me - That email?
Her - Yeah, I have two, one that I check every day, and the other where I get all my other stuff.

harris

Get Happy!

I love this article, especially number six - Introduce two people via e-mail...

To: Rob, Don
Subject: Thought you guys should talk

Hey Rob and Don! What's up? Actually, Rob, wuuuuuuuzzzzzzz uuuuup?!? HA! that never gets old, huh?

Anyway, I was just thumbin' through the ol' Rolodex, and thought you guys would get along. Why? Fair enough. Well, you're both Mets fans, so I figure you can talk about the trials and tribulations of that, you both like the movie Rounders, and umm, you're both black, so maybe you can talk about that.

Ya know, I feel better already! (Don't ask)

harris

New Respect For Temp Dude

I overheard Temp Dude on the phone today (though "overheard" makes it sound like I was trying to listen...in truth I have no choice, anyway...) with some veteran's association trying to find out something about his benefits. After talking for twenty minutes with some bureaucrat, he said, "Can I talk to your boss, you're useless."

Of course, after he got off the phone, he stalked off talking to himself.

harris

And Your Name Is?

I was recently hosting a show where three-quarters the way in, the audience started to lose interest, due to the length of the show and the quality of the comics. Noticing this, the guy was was headlining walked up to me and said, "Maybe you should tell them I'm here so they'll stick around."

I said, "Eh, they'll be fine," in part because if I didn't know who he was, I highly doubt the audience would.

harris

My Hair's In Remission

On the train yesterday, these two girls were talking about their dates from the previous evening. One said, "He was sooooo bald," and then saw me watching them.

"Sorry," she said to me, as if I had a life-threatening disease.

"It's okay," I responded, "I think I'm gonna make it."

harris

Ugh

Continuing this series of Very Short Reviews (patent not pending), here is my thought on Junebug.

Horrible.

Until next time, this is Harris Bloom, signing off. G'night!

harris

At Least It Smells Good

My bedroom smells like freshly done laundry. No, I didn't do the laundry, I just spilled a bottle of detergent.

harris

Passover

Josie and I celebrated Passover last night by eating pork sausage in a German restaurant. I guess "celebrated" isn't quite the correct word.

In other news, I just received an anonymous tip that Dunkin' Donuts has discontinued their Triple Chocolate Chip Muffins. This is an outrage!

I may plan a protest march, heck, I'll even bring the donuts (Dunkin now offers six for three bucks!)

harris

I Am Killing My Wife's Dreams

When Josie quit smoking two years ago, she ran a half-marathon six months later...a sort of challenge, mixed with a celebration of her healthier lungs and lifestyle.

She'd decided to do it again this year, running in a half marathon at the beginning of May. The training has been a lot tougher, she says, in part due to having me at home.

Two years ago, she was single and had no one waiting at home for her so she didn't mind spending more time at the gym. So it's my fault.

It may also be due to the pizza and garlic knots we get every time we pass Cheesy Pizza on our way home from, well, anywhere.

harris

My Wife Joe

Tomorrow, I have a show in a gay bar (Stonewall Inn). Someone asked me if I was planning on changing my act at all.

"No," I replied, "Well, except I'm gonna shorten my wife's name from "Josie" to "Jo."

btw - If anyone who reads this wants to be part of my private email list, shoot me an email at harrisbloom@yahoo.com -

It's not much different than what I write here but some things I can't say publicly for one reason or another.

thanks

harris

Just When You Think You've Seen (And Heard) It All...

I went to a really odd open mic Friday, and you know if I thought a mic was "odd," that's really saying something. Let's just say that this dude above wasn't the oddest act.

I was telling a bud about it when he said. "Big deal...I was doing a show when these five blind albinos walked in...and then it got weird."

He won.

harris

Trivia Night

My team won last night's weekly trivia night at conker hill. The weird thing about their trivia is that you win for best team name (ours, "We hope Obama's meeting with Queen Elizabeth went better than Frank Drebbin's" did not, I am afraid), but not for winning.

If that were true in the NCAA's, I think the Wake Forest Demon Deacons would be getting ready to face off against the Rhode Island School of Design Nads for the championship on April 6th.

Also, I need your vote (yes, again) - It's for a new festival. it only takes a second so if you can vote for me everyday till Apr 15th (look on the right side), I'd appreciate it.

Vote here!

harris

My Review of Watchmen In One Word

Long.

This is a continuation of a series of very short reviews. For my expanded review, see below...

(SPOILER ALERT!!!)

Very Long.

harris

The Red Tie Mafia

I'm not a big fan of improv. I don't know if because I've seen too many sketches go on waaay too long, or it has to do more with my own fear of not being in control on stage (since you are so dependant on your partners, and vice versa). Prolly more the latter.

I did a set a few weeks ago, opening for The Red Tie Mafia, and I have to say, I really dug it (I mean I dug their improv, not me opening for them, though I dug that too, anyway...). The skits were fast paced, well done, and none lasted more than five minutes. I was exhausted and planned on saying my piece and leaving, but ended up watching practically the whole show.

So if yer in the mood for some improv, I recommend checking them out at Gotham Comedy Club, where they do their thang.

harris

I'm More Tired Than Lilly Von Schtupp*

Yeah, I'm exhausted.

Besides salacious personal details of my life that no one wants to hear about (ha), I had a rather busy weekend, culminating in my show Monday at Conker (see below).

The funniest part (since that's all yer gonna care about) is this show I did Sunday night. After a quick audition in Queens (Top of the food chain!) , I ran back into Manhattan (not literally) to host an open mic, and then had to run (again, not literally) downtown to the aforementioned show.

As I had warned the booker, I got there late, and arrived to see a comic performing for...the comics. Yup, there was no audience. I figured I'd stay since I made the trip down, support the other comics, do a quick five minutes (I was originally supposed to do ten, but if I was gonna go last, AND other comics were nice enough to stick around to watch me, I'd just do five).

When I got up (last), a couple of people strayed in from the bar to watch. So, I performed for two comics who stayed, and a woman from London and another from Haiti.
The booker left the room, making it impossible for me to get off the stage. When he came back (after about ten minutes), I said, "I think that's about enough," when he asked me to do five more minutes. "Ummm, ok." After a few more minutes, I pleaded, "Now?" "Do three more minutes."

Long story short (I know, too late), I ended up doing twenty plus minutes for four people, two of them comics.

How did I do? How do you think?

I killed (wink)

harris

* if you don't know, the Lilly Von Schtupp reference is from this. Shame on you for not knowing that.

Comedy at Conker - New Free Show In NYC (Hosted By Moi)

Maybe it's 'cause Cheers was a favorite TV show if mine, but I've always wanted a local a bar that I considered my bar. Fact is, I don't hang out in bars much since I'm not a big drinker so I figured it would never happen. But it did last year.

My wife, then girlfriend, Josie, and I started going to Conker Hill for their weekly trivia nights. I think she knew the owner from another bar he owned, or managed, or whatever.

Maybe it was cause we won the first three or so weeks we went, maybe it's due to the cool owner, or maybe it's the vibe, but we've been going ever since, even though we moved an extra forty blocks away.

At any rate, I (along with fellow comic Doug Adler) am starting a bi-weekly comic show there. The first show is this Monday, March 30th, at 8 PM.

Here's the group on Facebook - join for updates.

It's gonna be a great show at a great bar.

harris

Introducing Schlumpy McSchlumpy!

Last week I was part of a photo shoot for an article for The Onion.

Here's the article (with pic of me).

My hat's folded over, my coat looks two sizes too big....I look like an annoyed, somewhat well-dressed homeless person.

I think it's also in the print edition.

harris

The Cleaners

Josie's been asking since we got back from our honeymoon to bring her wedding dress to the cleaners. Well, this morning I finally got around to it. The lady behind the counter asked, "Is this a rush?"

"I hope not!"

harris

25 Facts About Me

1. I can't swim
2. I suffer from, sometimes acute, stage fright.
3. I can fold my tongue in half.
4. I liked classical music in high school, which really helped my popularity.
5. For the first week or two of college, I dressed (purposely) like Alex P. Keaton. I quickly gave that up.
6. I was a stockbroker (for the company that Boiler Room was based upon) for a few months out college, until I realized I couldn't sell worth a damn.
7. I own a CD by Chubb Rock.
8. I grew up on welfare.
9. I've had days where I've eaten nothing but chocolate and pizza.
10. I have about eight/nine cavities.
11. I've seen Depeche Mode in concert six times (perhaps more amazingly, I've seen Pop Will Eat Itself four times)
12. I was 16 when I started college.
13. I was s'posed to be on the TV show Bind Date, but every time the cameras started rolling, I got flop sweat. Eventually, the producers gave up.
14. My mom was best friends with Ray Romano's mom. I started stand-up soon after they stopped talking.
15. When I have computer access, I check my e-mail approx. every five minutes. Maybe sooner.
16. American Psycho is my favorite movie of all-time.
17. I don't remember all the lyrics to my favorite song of all-time (Don't Go Away Mad...Just Go Away) - used to, but now, don't care enough to bother.
18. I wish there was a law tightening the qualifications for someone calling themselves a comedian (I don't think I qualify).
19. I used to be friends with a neo-nazi (not a bad guy, actually, pretty funny).
20. I worry about worrying too much.
21. Most of the time, I don't care what others think of me. Most of the time.
22. I have such poor self-control that I told Josie to hide leftover chocolate.
23. Even though intellectually, I see no difference between someone who's passion is watching sports on TV as opposed to someone who's passion is anything more active, I can't help but think that the sports watcher is wasting his/her life away.
24. I am currently writing a book that marries my performance anxiety with my love of heavy metal, including chapters about my Blind Date disaster, working in a boiler room, my neo-nazi bud and Ray Romano.
25. My life-long dream came true on October 25, 2008, when I married Josie (not that I always dreamed of marrying someone named Josie, but someone like Josie).

harris

After Thinking About It, They're Right... D'oh!

I responded to an ad looking for an actor for a very short film. In it, a high school senior going to his prom is picking up his date for the evening and ends up in a conversation with her dad.

After the producers wrote back, saying they'd like me to try-out, I re-thought my interest.

"I'm not sure I'm right for this... I mean, the father has to look like he can have a 17-18 year old daughter."

The answer cam quickly..."No, you definitely look the part."

dammit.

Harris

Overheard in New York

I think only in New York (and L.A.) would you overhear a conversation like this...

I was sitting in a Dunkin' Donuts next to two really young models. Through the window, we saw a fifty-or-so person march pass by, protesting POW violation sin Iraq. As part of the protest, there were some hooded "prisoners," chained together and wearing orange jumpsuits.

One of the models asked the other, "Are those really prisoners?"
"I dunno...how would they get approval to march?"

The first one's phone rang. It was about some photo shoot. After hanging up, she asked her friend, "How do you dress golth?"
"Golth?"
"Yeah, I'm supposed to dress golth."
"Did they mean Goth? Or golf?"
"What's golf?"
"You know, the sport with the clubs?"
"Yeah, that's probably what they said...the shoot's for Adidas," and after thinking about it for a second, added, "Can I still wear black?"

harris

I May Be The Only Motley Crue Fan In Manhattan

Last night, I saw Motley Crue at Madison Square Garden. I think even The Garden was embarrassed to be hosting them as usually, when a big name is there, they'll advertise it on their huge board (U2 TONIGHT!) - Last night, the board mentioned that MSG is the home of the WNBA's New York Liberty.

Looking over the crowd, I'd say they haven't found a new fan since 1992. Lotta 40 year olds still shouting at the devil...some even brought young children.

Anyway, I was ready to rock out...

And so was Josie (though she's more of a pensive rocker)...

How was the concert? Well, good and bad - they played most of their hits (Shout at the Devil, Dr. Feelgood, Kickstart My Heart, etc) but Vince only sang about 65-70% of them. The audience filled in the blanks. I'm not sure if Vince couldn't sing them anymore due to his throat, or if he forgot the lyrics (he is pushin' 50). His dancing moves reminded me of someone trying to dance to a Jane Fonda owrkout tape. He also took a few breaks backstage during extended guitar solos, prolly to nap. But I will say that when singing, his voice sounded fine.

During one of the breaks, someone behind me shouted "TITTYCAM!!!"

Josie asked me if that was a song of theirs (she's not a fan). "Um, no, he's hoping the overhead cameras point at women, hoping they'll flash them."

I was pleasantly surprised with the quality of the songs from their new album they played, Saints of Los Angeles, and Muthurfucker of the Year.

There were a lot of 80's-esque stage pyrotechnics, which always brought renewed howls from the crowd, and the concert ended with cannons shooting out confetti during the Home Sweet Home encore.

Unlike every other concert I've been to, we got on the 2 train...alone. I guess Motley Crue has no fans who live in Manhttan, they were all apparently heading to the outer boroughs and Jersey.

Whereever they live, I'm pretty sure all the MF'ers went home happy.

harris

Facebook Status Updates

I'm "friends" with a lot of comics on facebook. Quite frankly, I can't believe how many leave the most inane who-the-heck-cares status updates, like, "Susan just woke up and she is drinking hazelnut coffee."

I was thinking about leaving slightly more dramatic updates, like...

Harris just shot and killed two pedestrians on 73rd and Amsterdam.

Harris is choking on an apple...help....someone!!!!

Harris just mugged an old lady...easy pickin's!!!!!

harris

Can I Have A Bag For My Bag?

My doctor gave me a whole tray of samples of this medication. I told him, "Can I have a bag for this? I'm going to work and I don't want everyone there to be wondering 'What the heck is wrong with Harris?!?'"

This is what he gave me:

harris

Paying Extra For Variety

This has always bothered me...

I can understand cashews and almonds being more expensive than peanuts but shouldn't a "mix" be priced somewhere in between, like $1.50? (the bag is the same size)

harris

Rip Van Winkle Woulda Woken Up

I emceed the early show at Gotham Comedy Club on Saturday night. Afterwards, I headed out to Jersey to help Josie babysit her niece and twin year-old nephews.

I was looking forward to the hour-long train ride to relax a bit after the stress of running the show and before the insanity of being in the house with three kids. But it was not meant to be...

The train was packed with twenty-year olds who were partying in Hoboken, where they had their annual St. Patrick's Day Parade and Drunken Idiot Gathering.

Turned out, that was the least relaxing part of my weekend.

harris

Thanks!

Just wanted to thank all of you who voted for me for this, especially, Kirsten and The Unfinished Rambler, who used the power of their blogs to propel me to victory (well, along with 57 others).

Anyway, thanks (first round of the tourney is this Wednesday at Caroline's Comedy Club)

Harris

Stupid Question

I was in the supermarket yesterday and got to wonderin'...

How do the apples on the bottom ever get purchased?

Is someone in charge of tilling the apples?

harris

30 Minutes Of Fame

It appears as though Melissa Rycroft, the bachelorette that Jason Meznick (hiss! boo!) spurned after the end of The Bachelor will be on Dancing With The Stars.

When asked why she was doing it, she replied, "I was afraid America would forget about me so I decided to whore myself out as quickly as possible."

btw - reading about Jason and Molly's joint appearance on Ellen, I can't say I like him any more, but I do dislike her more. So, uh, well done Mol!

harris

One Line Movie Review

Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist sucked.

That is all.

harris

Pink Dolphins

Apparently world's first "Shockingly" Pink Dolphin has been spotted. If nothing else, I think General Mills should add them to their Lucky Charms cereal mix.

At trivia last night, our team was split over what to call our team. The winner was "Hope May Float But NFL Players Don't" (there were three team names with plays on that tragedy - it's a very mean league) but a couple members of our team thought it was too mean.

In honor of them, perhaps next week we can be "The Pink Dolphins." (Though I'd prefer, "Pink Dolphins Also Taste Like Chicken")

harris