It's All In The Delivery

I've found that when talking to a girlfriend or wife about another woman, there's a huge difference between...

I don't think she's prettier than YOU.

and

I don't THINK she's prettier than you.

harris

Vegas Baby

Though I haven't been there in a while, I love going to Vegas. Even just walking down The Strip. I mean, where else you gonna find a replica of New York, next to a replica of Paris, next to a replica of Venice?

It's like the cliff notes for the world.

harris

Chocoholics

You know you have a problem when you have twelve Reese's Peanut Butter Cup wrappers at the bottom of your garbage...in the bathroom.

harris

You Know You're Getting Old When...

You get drunk on one margarita. Okay, it was a huge one, but still...

EDIT: Ahh, who am I kiddin'? I was always a lightweight.

Rock On,

Aitch

Regret

If I had to do it all over again, I just hope I'd be in a position where every day, I wouldn't think about things like "What I would do, if I had to do it all over again."

Rock On,

Aitch

Advice

Next time you're in a bind, do what I do - Ask yourself, "What Would Luke Wilson Do?"

Rock On,

Aitch

Wisdom

Never tell your girlfriend that the new underwear she bought to impress you is "cute."

Rock On,

Aitch

When You Get Right Down To It

There are two kinds of people in this world - those who are ambivalent towards actor Luke Wilson, and those who have no idea who he is.

Rock On,

Aitch

NYC Math

8:45 AM + One Sick Passenger on Subway = 50,000 Angry Commuters Late For Work

Rock On,

Aitch

Aitch Sez...

Do not drink water when choking. It only makes one choke more.... And it stains your shirt.

Rock On,

Aitch

Stock Tip of the Day

Throw a flux capacitor into your DeLorean, and set it for something around March of '07.

Then sell your stocks.

You're welcome.

Rock On,

Aitch

Like Apples and Apples

I never really thought about it, but last night I realized that Josie's job is exactly like mine...we both try to make people feel better.

She does it by counseling rape victims, and I, by telling dick jokes.

See?!?

Rock On,

Aitch

Word to the Wise

Don't eat a chicken in a pita from the outdoor vendor on Wall Street, half a block up from William Street, unless you have nothing to do for the rest of the day.

Unless you just like going to the bathroom.

Rock On,

Aitch

Murphy Knew What He Was Talking About

Everyone in my building walks their dog in the same area. Some people don't clean up after their dog.

Any time I check my shoes before coming back into my apartment, there's nothing there. Any time I don't check, fifteen minutes later, Josie and I will be on the couch and she'll ask, "Do you smell something?"

Rock On,

Aitch

I'm Directing My Anger Better...

Did a show last night for fifteen people. Nine of them went to a funeral the day before. A crowd like that could either wanna laugh to release the tension of the past few days, or not be in the mood to laugh. They weren't in the mood to laugh (they were at the show because one of the comics on the bill is related to the mourners).

If I'd done this show when I was new, I woulda went home and wanted to shoot myself. Nowadays, since I know that my material is funny, I wanted to shoot them.

Now, that's what I call progress!

Rock on,

Aitch

Aitch sez...

Former boxer Roberto Duran's nickname was "Hands of Stone."

Good thing he discovered boxing as he failed at his first job as a massage therapist.

Rock On,

Aitch

Aitch sez...

The best way to find out if your girlfriend is high-maintenance emotionally is to say "Yes" when she asks you if she is high-maintenance emotionally.

Rock On,

Aitch