New Year Resolution

Last year, my new year's resolution was to join a gym - check.

This year, it's to go to the gym.

Rock On,

Aitch

From the Mouth of Moms....

The Setting: My brother's house....

The Players: My mom, Josie, my brother, my sis-is-law, my nephew, myself

The Backstory -Mom came to Josie and my apartment for Thanksgiving. Josie cooked. It is now one month later...

Aaaaannnnd action!

Mom - So Josie, what else did you get for Christmas?
Harris - The book...
Josie - Oh yeah, Harris also got me a book by Anthony Bourdain.
Mom - Who's he?
Josie - He's this famous chef.
Mom - Ooohh....so you're going to learn to cook?

Aaaaaaaaand Scene!

Rock On,

Aitch

Quiz

Which of the following are wrestling moves, and which are Japanese Candlestyick formations (which are technical stock market patterns, if ya didn't know) -

1. Gravestone Doji
2. Polish Hammer
3. Dragon Suplex
4. Shooting Star
5. Shooting Star Press
6. Hanging Man
7. Asian Spike
8. Downside Tasuki Gap
9. Mandible Claw
10. Atomic Drop
11. Abondoned Baby
12. Evening Doji Star
13. Corkscrew Plancha

Answers

Wrestling Move - 2,3,5,7,9,10,13
Japanese Candlestick Formation - 1,4,6,8,11,12

Rock On,

Aitch

Me and My Boss

My Boss: Did Tanner call you with the numbers?

Me: Ummm, yeah.

My Boss: How do they look?

Me: Good...I'll show you after.

My Boss: After what?

Me: After I'm done peeing.


Rock On,

Aitch

Bosco

My office moved from midtown to downtown a few weeks ago. It was done over a weekend, and my boss, nice guy that he is, didn't want me to have to come in unless there was a problem with the move.

When I was about to leave, the Friday of Moving Weekend, he asked me what was the password to get on my computer. I got nervous.

"Why do you need that?" I asked.
"I just want to make sure nothing happened during the move."
"I"m sure it'll be fine, besides, I backed everything up."
"That's good, but I still want to see."
"Well, maybe I'll come in."
"That's crazy," He said, and laughing, added, "Don't worry, I'm not going to look at your files. I dont care what you have on there."
"I'm not really worried about that."
"Okay, then just give it to me."
"Why don't I just come in?"
"What are you afraid of?" He was starting to get suspicious.
"Nothing."
"Then just give it to me. I'm saving you a trip."
"Okay, It's umm, "I", "L", "O", "V","E","J","O","S","I","E."
He snickered. I left.

Rock On,

Aitch

'Twas the Night Before Christmas (On Elm Street)

‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house,
not a creature was sleeping, surely not Timmy Strauss

His traps were all set; he laid them with care.
In case he couldn’t wake from his latest nightmare.

As tired as he was, he wouldn’t dare close his eyes.
But not why you’d think, nor why you’d surmise.

He snapped at the band he placed on his wrist.
The pain was so great, his hand made a fist.

His pulse was racing – sweat dotted his face.
He said all his prayers, and repeated them – post haste!

“What’s going on? Why the fear?” You inquire.
“This night should be joyous, but Timmy’s so dire!”

The reason is simple Tim’s shaken to the core.
His expected caller’s not of Ol’ Christmas lore.

As you may guess, this won’t come as a shock
Even Santa himself fears young Timmy’s block.

But that’s what you get when your mailbox comes complete,
With an inscription that reads – six sixty six Elm Street.

So pray for young Timmy that he survives the night
His mom’s just kissed him and turned off his light.

A long metallic screech Tim heard from the roof
He hides under covers not waiting for proof.

He curls in a ball with his teddy bear beside,
As he pictures the guy with the face that looks fried.

But a funny thing happened on this Christmas Eve
The sound faded off, Timmy was quite relieved.

He got out of bed and ran to the window –
to see a fat bearded man with eight ‘deer in tow.

Timmy laughed at his fears, as his heart stopped racing
He breathed in deeply, his worries, erasing.
But on turning around, in true horror fashion,
Freddy Krueger stared down, Timmy’s face turned ashen.

I’ll spare you the details, but ‘twas was not a pretty sight,
A Merry Christmas to all and to all a good fright.

Rock On,

Aitch

Reasons Why Regulatory Accountants (my profession) Are Not the Star of Certain Genre Movies

Body Switch Movie - The Regulatory Accountant who turned into another person would run away, refusing to return for the climactic Realizing-That-Things-Were-Great-As-They-Were scene.

Mockumentary - There's nothing funny about Regulatory Accounting.

Superhero - Regulatory Accountant would find it difficult to continue making excuses to get out of meetings in order to save world again.

Romantic Comedy - Regulatory Accountants are too boring; not even Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler could make the audience care about them.

Coming Of Age - No one dreams of becoming a Regulatory Accountant.

Historical Drama - There were no Regulatory Accountants in the 19th century.

Rock On,

Aitch

Speaking of Annoying

In bed last night, at about 12:45, Josie started in about her job. Granted, she deals with a lot of nitwits and bureaucracy, but after the week we're having, it prolly wasn't the best time to start a dialogue about her list of grievances.

Good boyfriend that I am, I try to listen, but after about twenty minutes, my eyes start to close. In my haze, I hear this...

"...It's just so annoying. I mean, wait, are you listening to me?" Next thing I know, she's using her thumb and index finger to prop open my eyes. "Hellooo?!?"

"Yeah, I'm listening...you were saying something about someone who is annoying."

Rock On,

Aitch

Pre-Shredded Mozzarella Cheese

Josie and I had a couple of friends over for dinner last night.

You might be saying, "What's the big deal?"

But it is... I haven't had friends over to my place for dinner for at least ten years. One month livin' with Josie and that streak is over. Next thing ya know, I'll be in Bed, Bath and Beyond asking where the duvet section is.

ANYWAY, the next question should be, "OK Harris, I'll bite, why haven't you had anyone over for dinner in years?"

There are a few reasons -

• first of all, I dislike cooking - It's stupid - You buy stuff, prepare, cook for hours...all to be finished in twenty minutes (and no, I don't get a thrill out of the whole process)... AND, it's rarely as good as what you can get in a restaurant and costs about the same (partially cause you always have to buy one bottle of something that you'll never use again, until you make that dish).
• secondly, being the host means that I feel guilty if the evening isn't "fun." If we were to go to a restaurant, sure, I'm part of the expected entertainment, but I don't feel like it's my duty to make it fun.
• Thirdly, I have to clean my apartment. Okay, maybe that's a good thing.
• Fourth, I now have a wildcard - my dog. I have to keep an eye on him as he's not totally trained. Nothing sours a lovely dinner quicker than when someone notices a dog taking a crap on the rug during the cheese course.

Speaking of cheese, I wasn't off to a good start when Josie sent me to the store to buy "pre-shredded mozzarella cheese." To me, that means, "before it's shredded." Apparently, the rest of the universe sees it differently, as everyone I've told laughs when I tell them I came home with a block of cheese.

"You're a moron." Josie said, as I layed the hunk o' cheese on the table.

I must say though, we had a good time, nothing even outlandish to report. I did forget to give our guests the fancy mints I had bought (just as many fine restaurants give when you leave). In fact, we're having friends over again on Saturday. This time I'm not even going to keep a list of conversation topics nearby.

So assuming it goes well, my readers can send me their avails, and we'll get back to you when we can accomodate your party.

Rock On,

Aitch

I Wasn't Planning on Taking a Half-Day But...

this happened at lunch...

and yes, it was hot.

Rock On,

Aitch

Addendum

You know you're spending a lot of time (and money) at your dentist when your office moves locations and you get flowers from her, congratulating me on the move (as if I had anything to do with it).

Rock On,

Aitch

Trip to the Dentist

I've run out of dental insurance for the year (it's been a bad year for my teeth), so when I went in with a bad toothache, I told my dentist, "Just patch it up best ya can... we'll do something longer term in January, if need be."

Of course I knew need would be, but I still had some hope.

ANYWAY, she looked at the offending tooth, and proclaimed, "Wow, that's big," and then made the "tsk, tsk, tsk" sound.

I knew she meant the cavity, but I had to fight to keep from saying, "That's what she said."

And she kept saying it...and I had to keep fighting my urge to say it. When I started sweating, I swear, I don't know if it was cause of the drilling, or my battle my inclination to embarrass myself with a stupid joke.

btw - Instead of some form of Muzak, she plays "sounds of the forest" to relax her patients. Why would I find it soothing to have my teeth drilled while I think a jaguar may be bearing down on me? She brushed up against my leg, I thought I'd gotten bitten by a mongoose.

Rock On,

Aitch

Ninth in a Series...

For those of ya'll that don't know, I'm writing a series about my real-life adventures in stand-up comedy over at Really Small Talk.

Here's the latest installment...

Click Here!

Rock On,

Aitch

I Am Legend

So I went to the movies tonight with Josie... guess what we saw?

Anyway, y'all don't care about my movie review (nor should you) - I just wanna share a couple funny anecdotes while I was waiting in (on?) line for popcorn, pretzel bites and diet coke.

I heard the following conversation behind me by two well dressed, reasonably intelligent looking men.
"I think he's pro-life."
"Really? Is Bush pro-life?"
"Of course."
"Wow."
"The court and the court is getting more conservative. I dunno if abortion will be legal soon."
"Nah... even if The Supreme Court outlaws it, Congress will veto it."

Brilliant.

When the guy in front of me was paying for his stuff, I noticed a knit cap on the counter.
"Excuse me sir, but is that your hat?"
"Nah," he replied, "You can have it."

Thanks?

Rock On,

Aitch

An Open Letter to My Bathtub

Dear Bathtub,

I will clean you tomorrow.

Seriously.

No, this time I'm not joking.

I swear.

Stop laughing.

Rock On,

Aitch

The Knicks Season May Not Be a Total Loss

On Tuesday Isiah Thomas said, "To me, it's win or die."

Fine, I get the point. You're competitive. You haven't, and won't, give up.

But then he added "And I literally mean death."

Huh?

Either he doesn't know what the word "literally" means, or he's trying to add some gravitas to the Knicks' season.

Rock On,

Aitch

Murphy Knew What He Was Talking About

Everyone in my building walks their dog in the same area. Some people don't clean up after their dog.

Any time I check my shoes before coming back into my apartment, there's nothing there. Any time I don't check, fifteen minutes later, Josie and I will be on the couch and she'll ask, "Do you smell something?"

Rock On,

Aitch

We Won't Be Asked Again

Josie's brother (and sis-in-law) are having twins. They asked us if we had any ideas for names (They are Italian if that matters) -

She came up with Marco and Polo.

My idea was Michael and Fredo.

Rock On,

Aitch

A Few Jokes I've Learned I Shouldn't Make at The Dog Park

Your dog's fur would make a great carpet

Go for its neck, Stewie! No, the soft underbelly!

You paid how much?! Sweet Jesus, what a friekin' rip off!

Your dog's a Havanese? Really? I thought Havanese were cuter.

Wow, my pup's really beatin' the crap out of your dog, huh?

Where did you buy the leash for your rat?

Rock On,

Aitch

Normal Workday Behavior Exhibited By Football Players Which Would Be Frowned Upon at my Office Job

Screaming "I'm Number One!" - while making supporting hand gesture - and then chest bumping co-workers after performing a task successfully

Gratuitous Flexing

Demonstrably smacking fellow employees in rear to motivate them

Refusing to come to work unless owner renegotiates salary

Pouring Gatorade on my boss

Shouting expletives to competition - some which make reference to their mother - in effort to intimidate them

Chop Blocking

Rock On,

Aitch

There But For the Grace of Whatever....

As anyone who reads my blog knows, hanging with my girfriend's family, while fun, usually makes for a good blog post (or even a bit for my act), as you can plainly see here and here. Oh, and here.

I was fully expecting yesterday to be no different as we were going over to bake cookies (no, I'm not kidding).

I pictured dropping a tray of cookies that Josie's three-year-old niece had just made. Or maybe knocking over their Christmas tree while trying to put up the final ormament (as it turned out, they didn't have one up). Or at least sweating up a storm when her niece asks why I don't celebrate Christmas.

But none of those things happened.

I thought my Post For the Day would present itself when one hour into our visit, I had to use the restroom, and I didn't wanna use the one downstairs (IF ya know what I mean). I chose to wait as I really didn't wanna feel everyone looking at me when I walked back down the stairs.

It turned out to be the best move I've made since I decided to stop answering e-mails from wealthy Nigerians.

About a half-hour later, Josie's brother, disappeared upstairs. He came down about twenty minutes later with a sheepish grin.

"Ummm, where's the plunger?"
"Why?"
"The toilet's overflowed."

It turned out to be a really "good" overflow too, reaching the hallway. He came downstairs a few times with wet (ugh) towels to be put in the washing machine in the basement.

He may've thought I looked a little too happy that it happened, but not really. I was just happy, and quite frankly shocked, that it wasn't happening to me.

Rock On,

Aitch

That Was Easy

Waking up this morning, Josie turned to me and dripping with sarcasm, cooed, "Waking up next to you every morning is the best gift I can get."
I gazed into her eyes, smiled, and whispered, "Well...Merry Christmas." I turned over and fell back asleep.

Rock On,

Aitch

Man, Did I Go to the Wrong College!

The NY Times recently had an article on college sports stars who don't take many classes during the season. The writer mentioned Oregon Ducks QB, Dennis Dixon, for taking one class this semester: Billiards.

Aftwer checking out the University of Oregon's website, I see they also offer classes in juggling - yes, plural.

Out of curiosity, I checked out my girlfriend's alma mater to see what classes they offer -

Beer and Wine Appreciation

I guess they win.

Rock On,

Aitch

What's In A Name? (Everything)

Josie used to go with her friends to some trivia night at some bar in the East Village. She doesn't go anymore so all these team names I came up with for them are up for sale:

sorry about your daughter
sweep the leg
more cowbell
the fourth reich
void where prohibited
...and you will know us by the trail of pizza crust (you have to know the band)
it puts the lotion in the basket
drive by eggings
sweaty a little drunk and late
waffles and cocaine
pizza is a food group
dirty amish hookers
pour some trivia on me
it's the end of the world as we know it and i feel fat
rear naked choke
reunited and it feels so lame
the artist formerly known as sweep the leg
this time it's personal
better than cats
trivial matters
sisterhood of the travelling stilletto's
we go till eleven

Bidding starts at a nickel.

Rock On,

Aitch

Odds and Ends

There's nothing more depressing than running a football pool when you're mathematically eliminated halfway through the season. Okay, there may be something more depressing, but you get the idea.

On the subway coming to work, these guys gt on and sing a duet of Christmas carols. Once they start, this woman rolls her eyes and walks to the other side of the car.
Seeing this, a seated woman looks to her friend and say, "Like she's never seen that before. Why do people have to get all Susan Lucci all the time?"

The dude who sits in the cubicle in front of me is sniffling every seven or eight seconds. I asked him if he was sick.
"No," came his reply.
"Then stop sniffling!" *
Y'all may hear about an office shooting on the news tonight. Though I'm not sure who's gonna shoot who.

Rock On.

Aitch

* If he said "Yes," I woulda said, "Then go home."

Trivia

I'm not sure this is true but I gotta believe that NASCAR is the only sport where the higher priced seats are in the upper decks.

Though I thought it was because you have a lower chance of getting your head sliced off by a flyaway hubcap, it's actually because the lower seats can only see what's going on for three seconds out of every two minutes.

And that's one to grow on!

Rock On,

Aitch

I Do Live With Someone Now

It was so windy outside my apartment this morning that my dog refused to take a crap. He waited till he could do it in the wind-free kitchen.

My co-worker asked me if I berated him. I said, "No, I didn't see him do it. You can't get mad after...he wont know why you're getting mad....besides, how do I know he did it?"

Rock On,

Aitch

Mmmmm....Cheeeesssse...mmmmmm

Did you see this?

I just hope they get life, or the electric chair. There are tons of cheese sandwiches out there. I wouldn't take any chances.

Rock On,

Aitch

Our Reputations Preceed Us

When I told my mom that Josie and I are moving in together, she said, "Is this leading to something or is this going to be like the last one?" *

When Josie told her brother that we were moving in together he asked, "Are you pregnant?!?"

When she told her mom (via phone), Josie told me that the line went silent for a good (bad?) fifteen seconds. On the bright side, I hear when she moved on with her "last one" and told her mother, the line went dead for thirty seconds.

So maybe she does like me.

Rock On,

Aitch

* The "last one" and I lived together for two years and then split up.