hijack!

hi, this is josie (for those of you following along, i'm harris' wife). i'm posting on his blog to let all of you dedicated readers know that today is harris' birthday. he's much too modest to tell you himself.

carry on,
"jay"

The Curtain Chronicles

Yesterday, at around 8 AM, there's a knock at our door. It's the super. He tells us that there is water leaking into our downstairs neighbor's bathroom. I already had a pretty good idea what it was.

When he inspected our bathroom, he noticed water on the floor next to the shower.

"I don't think it's the toilet, I think it's this water leaking into the tiles. Can you guys just make sure the shower curtain is closed when taking a shower?"

We bought a vinyl liner last night. Of course, it's too long, so now I have to worry about tripping on it, but I figure, I need a good end for this trilogy.

Rock On,

Aitch

It's Weird

Though I definitely liked MASH more than Good Times, when flicking around the channels, I'm more apt to watch Good Times than MASH reruns.

Rock On,

Aitch

Here Stew! Would Ya Like Some Chocolate?

Every year, Josie's family heads to Spruce Lake for Thanksgiving. Last year, we didn't go as Stewie was ill.

This year, we've already bought the bus tickets...we're going.

"Spruce Lake Retreat - Pointing People Toward Christ"...Here we come (on Friday)!

Rock On,

Aitch

The Not So Amazing Race

So, yes, I'm watching the new season of The Amazing Race. I've written about the show before.

Here's my beef this season (which doesn't include the stuff I complained about last year, but still bugs me) - Except for one, all of the teams are unlikeable.

I dont get why the producers do that - we all know they can edit it so every team can appear to be jerks or saints. So, why not give us more than the mom and son team to root for?

Granted, they may be thinking that the "hero underdogs" is a good storyline but I dislike watching a show where I'm rooting for almost everyone to lose.

Rock On,

Aitch

It Was Like A Clinic On What NOT To Do

Went to a comedy show last night for inspiration. I saw this vet, who's been on Letterman, not only get heckled, but do an incredibly poor job of dealing with said heckler. And it ruined his set.

There are two kinds of heckler's - the kind that think they are helping the show and the kind that are just out to disrupt the show. The interesting thing about the dude from last night was that he started out as the former, but due to the comic's poor ability in dealing with him, soon became the latter.

At the beginning of his set, the comic was talking to an audience member when the heckler made a comment, somewhat rude, but also borderline funny. I would've just acknowledged it and moved on, hoping the heckler quit. But the comic didn't. He shot an insult back. Before you can say "This set is toast," the comic and heckler were just trading insults...not even trying to be funny, just "You're a d**k" and "How'd you like it if I kicked your a**?" kinda stuff.

As a comic, I know that before you just start throwing out insults (without punchlines) you better have the audience behind you. He didn't.

The comic never really got into any kind of rhythm. The awkwardness permeated the rest of his set, which was pretty much DOA.

Rock On,

Aitch

Partyin' Like It's 1989

I am currently wearing a kobra kai t-shirt and listening to the new Guns 'n' Roses album.

Rock On,

Aitch

It Sounds Like A Joke

Every time I've showered in my new apartment, upon stepping out, I've found a pool of water of water. Thing is, the curtain has definitely been in the shower. This leaves only one conclusion: The shower curtain isn't water-proof.

How can that be? Wouldn't that be like turpentine that doesn't remove paint, or paper towels that don't absorb anything?

Repelling water is the only thing I ask out of a shower curtain! Okay, Josie also wants it to be pretty. And it is....

She wins again.

Rock On,

Aitch

Run In The Other Direction

Whenever my mom begins a sentence with, "I'm just curious," I know two things...

1 - She's about to rant about something and
2 - She's not just curious.

Case in point -

A couple of weeks ago we were having lunch together when she asked, "I'm just curious*, did you or Josie buy my birthday card?"
btw - her birthday was months ago - this (whatever "this" will be) had apparently been eating at her for awhile.
"Um, I don't remember...why?" I did remember. We were late so we just used one that we had lying around.
"No, I'm just asking...'cause it wasn't the normal kind of card you get for me."
"Well, I don't remember."
"Here, let me show you." She pulled it out of her bag. She'd been carrying it around for three months. "Usually, you get me cards with sayings, this one doesn't even say "Mom" on it."
"Okay, well, I don't really remember where I got it."
"Next year, you buy a card."
"Okay."
(silence)
"So, how's your turkey?"

Rock On,

Aitch

* cue my Spidey senses.

I Dislike People

One of my favorite honeymoon stories*....

I was at the Internet cafe in the resort getting coffee. While the barista was making my coffee, the squat, middle-aged, Midwestern woman behind me struck up a conversation with her.
"Where is Marisol today?"She asked, way too upbeat for 7:30 A.M.
"Marisol is off today."
"Ohh, well, good for her! Day's off are good!" God help me.
After I got my coffee, the woman ordered. I stuck around to put the top on it. Seeing me struggle, the worker asked if I needed help.
"Nah, I got it."
"Oooo, stubborn!" replied Ms. Midwest, while looking at the sales girl.

Getting back to the room, I gave Josie her coffee.
"Why didn't you put the top on?" she asked.
"I'll tell ya layta...do we have any aspirin?"

Rock On,

Aitch

*And by "favorite," I mean, "Most annoying."

Looks Like This Is It

I've had a fever for three days. Kinda odd, with no other symptoms.

I assume this is the beginning of some sort of medicine-resistant virus that will eventually end all life on this planet.

Then again, I may watch too many disaster movies.

Rock On,

Aitch

More Like Brooklyn Is Calling

As yesterday was my bro's birthday, I thought it would be fun to have Lou Ferrigno, the original Incredible Hulk give him a call to wish him a happy birthday.

No, I don't know Lou, but thanks to hollywoodiscalling.com, anyone can have a "celebrity" call a loved one with birthday, or whatever well wishes you like. (btw - check out the pic of Butch Patrick, TV's Eddie Munster...scary!)

My favorite part of the email regarding the call states that calls will be cut off after 30 seconds. Why? Doesn't Lou have the cajones to get off the phone when he wants to?

So, he called, but after a quick "Happy Birthday," my bro's cell lost the connection, and Lou never called back (Lou's number was restricted, so my bro couldn't call him). Hmmm...

I guess Lou is too busy, perhaps rehearsing for Hamlet.

Rock On,

Aitch

When Do We Wax On, Wax Off?

Last night, the Harris Bloom NY Karate Tour continued. Last time, I tried Premier Martial Arts, this time, I visited the Kokushi Budo Institute.

I watched from the sideline (I wore sweats in case they asked if I wanted to try - they did not). There were only three people in the class (four if you want to include the teacher's assistant), which is good as they have time to help out anyone who is at a lower level (or really uncoordinated, which is what I worry about). Weekend classes are busier.

Whereas Premier had a certain Kobra Kai feel to it, this class gets as close to Mr. Miyagi teaching Daniel-san as you're gonna get. The teacher is referred to as "sensei," all of the signalling was in Japanese and there is no fighting (at any level). It's all about technique (and role play fighting).

I really liked watching one of the students, a dude in his late-forties, his hair, graying around the temples, and in a pony tail. At one point, he left the student line to do an exaggerated "dance," stomping down. He then got a tissue from his bag and cleaned something off the mat. When the sensei went over, the guy said, "It was just a bug...I didn't want others to step on it and slip."

Another time, he stepped out of the line while grabbing his thigh, and explained, "I'm sorry sensei, but my quadriceps are tight." That scene repeated itself a few times.

Though it didn't look nearly as strenuous as the other class, it had a poetry to it, what I pictured classes for those truly interested in learning martial arts to look like.

Tomorrow, the tour heads downtown to this place. Details to come...

Rock On,

Aitch

New York Fact

New York is the only state where Supreme Court is the lowest trial court.

This is really weird, since, as we all know, at Taco Bell, the Burrito Supreme is the highest level of burrito.

Rock On,

Aitch

And To Think, I Used To Like The Fixx

While others are arguing whether GM or Ford may go bankrupt, I'm hoping Toyota does, not due to any America First feelings, but cause I'm sick of seeing (or more specifically hearing) their Saved By Zero commercials.

Rock On,

Aitch

I Shoulda Pretended I Was On The Phone

In the elevator with someone at work today, he commented on me wearing a knit ski hat.
"What are you gong to wear when it's really cold?" he jokingly asked.
"I dunno...two hats?"

I assume he was just being cordial and friendly*, therefore I didn't give him the real answer - "I'll worry about it when it is really cold."

Rock On,

Aitch

* Though knowing this person, he may really be wondering...or he may think I should be cold now so I'm somehow better prepared when it's really cold.

Meeting Me Is Usually Disappointing - Case In Point

I joked here about being mistaken for Stanley Tucci, but I think I really was mistaken for him while waiting to be let back in.

This middle-aged guy approached us and said to me, "Excuse me, are you an actor? My wife thinks she recognizes you."
"Um, no..I uh, do some comedy."
"But you're not actor."
"No, just comedy."
"Oh," he responded, more than slightly disappointed. "What's your name?"
After telling him, he disappeared back into the crowd.

Maybe I shoulda said, "I'm Stanley Tucci." Woulda given him and his Mrs. a story when they got home. Especially when I spelled my own name wrong.

Rock On,

Aitch

Rock Of Ages - My Review

My friend's boyfriend (that word is getting more and more ridiculous as I get older - there really should be a better word than "boy- or girl-friend after thirty years old) is the understudy for the drummer in the off-Broadway musical Rock of Ages, which is a salute/parody of the '80's glam-metal music scene.

Though it's kinda absurd to parody an era that was that played out like a parody in itself*, the play's a lot of fun, assuming you either loved/love the 80's hair-metal scene or have a thing for star Constantine Maroulis, who by the way, was really good.

After intermission was over, and we were all settling back into our seats, the entire theatre was evacuated. I knew it wasn't anything serious for two reasons. Firstly, they didn't even lead us through the emergency exits...we all went through the front doors. Also, the ushers, who make little or no money, were performing crowd control. If you made $7 an hour and knew there was a fire raging through the building, would you risk your life for a bunch of heavy-set people from Kansas? Me neither.

While outside, we met up with my bud's boyfriend, who hung with us for a bit, until he, and the rest of the cast were instructed to meet at a local Starbucks. I'm not sure whey we didn't follow (heck, they couldn't restart the show without the cast!) but we didn't, choosing to stay in the freezing cold.

We imagined Constantine and the rest of the cast enjoying decaf cappuccino lattes (or whatever) while lounging by a window, watching us bounce from foot to foot in a futile attempt to stay warm....

"Wow, it looks cold out there."
"Yeah, nice of them to stick around, huh?"
"Yea...hey...Is that Stanley Tucci?"
"I think it is...let's invite him in...wait, no, this guy's nose is bigger."
"Maybe he got it enlargened for a role?"
"Who's he playing, Pinocchio?"
(Laughs all around)
"Nah, it ain't him... Forget it."

ANYWAY, we hung outside for an entire hour before being allowed back in. I think that's my new deciding factor in how good something is, as in, "Would you wait outside, in the freezing cold, for an hour to see it?"

For Rock of Ages, I'd say, "Yes."

Rock On,

Aitch

* In fact, outside the theatre, they displayed a printout of Sammy Hagar's demands when performing - you couldn't make up anything funnier.

Mom

Josie and I went to Jersey to visit her folks.

Hearing that, my mom asked me, several times in fact, to make sure I got the pictures of me that she had loaned to them for the wedding.

Her folks gave them back to us, and made sure to tell us that they are all there. They know because mom had written the number of pictures given on the envelope.

Rock On,

Aitch

No Plans

Someone asked me what I'm doing this weekend.

After thinking about it for a second while stroking my chin, the answer hit me.

"Shaving."

Rock On,

Aitch

Only Of Interest To Those Who Attended (And Even Then, Maybe Not)

My videographer (Melody Cherrington - isn't that a great name by the way? Kinda sounds like the "good" member of an evil family from a soap opera) has put up my wedding videos here.

I think she did a great job (though she cut out part of Josie's vows...and seems to have a foot fetish).

Two points -

Notice how Josie was dancing in the middle of the dance floor (she's the one in the white dress), but to get to me, Melody had to pan to the edge, and there I was, dancing by myself. I'm a wall flower, even at my own wedding.

Also, if you watch the comics' toasts, I love how they all made it into a semi-roast - Doug Adler said that a picture of me from my younger days that was displayed looked like the love child of Woody Allen and Elton John. Josh Homer said that I'm "brutally honest," and my favorite, Mike Saperstein said that I don't suffer fools lightly.

I guess now you really don't have to watch it...unless you love us...or Journey.

Rock On,

Aitch

The Honeymoon - Part One

A few stories from our honeymoon in Mexico...

When we got off the plane, the dude we were sposed to meet told us the shuttle to the hotel will be there in fifteen minutes, "which is an hour in Mexican time." I guess the Caribbean doesn't have a monopoly on that joke - I think I hear that every time I go away, but I do recall that in Jamaica, after dinner the first night, I started ordering my check during the appetizers (or I'd be there for four hours).

As warned, due to the guest/chair ratio, guests at the hotel put towels on lounge chairs by the pool really early...like 6:30 AM early. Then they went back to sleep. By 8 AM, every chair was taken, though very few people were out.

Can you imagine if people did this in New York? Like if someone went to a sports bar on Sunday morning, put a towel and some flip-flops on a stool and then left for a few hours? I'd love to see the argument when he got back, asked where his flip-flops were and was directed to the bathroom...stall number two.

More Later

Rock On,

Aitch

If You Want A Laugh...

I was just checking the customer reviews on amazon.com for The Ultimate Dog Lovers book that I have a story in - Of course, you can't really take these seriously as most are prolly written by people who have some interest in promoting the book.

But, check out all the reviews...read them in order all the way to number seventeen.

I'm fairly certain Pamela didn't bother reading the book

Rock On,

Aitch

Who's Laughing Now?

Josie makes fun of me cause I always buy the exact same dress shoes. But this morning, I was so tired that I put on mismatched shoes...and no one can tell!*

Rock On,

Aitch

* I know because the bottoms are different.**

** I checked the bottoms cause they felt different when I was walking.

Who'

Who'

If/Then Question

Too busy to write about my honeymoon and deal with being tagged, so I'll just quickly relay a short conversation I had this mornin' with my office bud...

Me: What would you do if you were on the subway, playin' on your cell phone, when someone takes and smashes it.
Bud: Is it a guy or a girl?
Me: Let's say it's a guy.
Bud: Oh, it's on.
Me: What? You'd punch him? Ask him why? Slap him?
Bud: I'd start swingin'.
Me: Just like that.
Bud: Just like that.
Me: And what if it's a girl?
Bud: Is she black or white?
Me: What's the difference?
Bud: Well, black women are nuts. I ain't gonna mess with her then.
Me: What would you do if she was white?
Bud: I'd have to ask why.
Me: What if she said, "Cause I felt like it!"
Bud: Wait...if she had a bag, I'd rip it from her and throw its contents out. Yeah, that's what I'd do.
Me: (checking watch) Only seven hours and thirty eight minutes to go.
Bud: Yup.

Rock On,

Aitch

Chicken Soup for the Soul: Teens Talk Middle School

If you find yourself craving more of my stylings, buy this newly released book.


It's got a story in it by yours truly about a crush I had in middle-school (though we never called it "middle-school"), and its disastrous unfolding.

I shake my head and sweat just thinking about it.


Rock On,

Aitch

Pain (Definitely) Does Exist in This Dojo!

Finally, my bud and I have started. And by "start," I mean we took an introductory karate class.

It's two days later, and I'm still hurtin'. My back, my legs, my ego...

I was starving when I got there, so to make sure I had enough energy to make it through class, I got a slice of pizza, which I'm pretty sure is what all black belts eat before throwin' down.

There were about twenty people in the class( about seven of them women). They were all wearing gi's, the traditional garb...except for my bud and I. We were wearing sweatpants (and I wore my Mike Piazza numbered NY Mets t-shirt to psyche out my bud, an avid Yankee fan...though I have no idea why that would psyche him out).

I pictured the teacher asking me why I wanted to take karate.
"Well, see this guy over here (I'd point to my bud)? I wanna beat his ass in the octagon. Yeahhh! Get him a body bag!"
(Silence and staring)
"Just kiddin'..."
"Do you have any questions?"
"Yes...Does fear exist in the dojo?"
"Huh?"
"That's from The Karate Kid...never mind."

ANYWAY, though I work out, my body wasn't prepared for this kind of work out. I think the instructor knew we may be a bit overwhelmed...

"By the way," he said, "the restroom is over there in case you need to vomit."

Half-way through the push-ups I started to slow down till I was down to performing knee push-ups. By the time we were running (and before any actual karate), I was sweating like Sarah Palin being asked to find Africa on a map.

But I hung in there (unlike my bud, who had to stop twice during the hour...I am so gonna kill him in the octagon!), even when I stubbed my toe during a hip toss (though I almost screeched in pain).

I mean, sure, the instructor did have to slow down the class several times to demonstrate (again and again) how to perform the "jab/cross/front kick" exercise for just me (btw - I never got the hang of that...I have the coordination of a newborn colt). And yes, one of the girls next to us did stop me to demonstrate how to throw a punch. And okay, my back and hammies have been killing for the the past two days (I have more appreciation for Rickey Henderson now), but I did it...and more importantly...

I'm goin' back for more.

Rock On,

Aitch

Top Five Awkward Moments From My Wedding

5. Visiting Josie's relatives table -

The conversation went something like...

Them: Congratulations!
Me: Thanks!
(silence)
Me: Okay, I should keep moving...seeya!

4. First Dance -

As mentioned, we were sposed to take some lessons but due to our busy scheds, we never really got around to it, so we just bounced around for the three minutes and twenty nine seconds. At the two minute mark, I whispered to Josie, "Is it over soon?"

3 - Waiting for anyone to arrive

As mentioned, I got to the place too early. The caterer felt so bad for me she told Josie I was there by myself, so Josie called a buddy to come down to keep me company. But I didn't wanna put him out, so I just sat there, and watched the caterers set up. They did ask me a few logistical questions, and it was a good thing I was there....

Them: Can we move this table out a bit, like to here?
Me: Ummm, I dunno, it's up to Josie...you better ask her.
Them: Oh, okay, thanks anyway.
(I sat back down)

2. Visiting my friends' tables -

The conversations went something like...

Them: Nice party!
Me: Yeah, thanks...it does seem to be goin' pretty well.
(silence)
Me: Okay, I guess I should keep moving...seeya layta!

1. The Last Dance.

Rock On,

Aitch

The Most Important Picture From The Wedding....

Yes...The Hostess Cake Tower (and yeah, the couple perched on top is black).

Thanks to Josie, as well as her friends Jen and Dacia, for making my wedding dream a reality.

Rock On,

Aitch

Just What I Needed

So, some wedding highlights (with a few low lights thrown in for flava!)...

Josie and her friends were at Loft 11 (where we got maddied) by like one o'clock (we were gettin' maddied at six). I was home, hanging with Stewie. By two-thirty, I was getting fidgety, and figured I may as well get over there myself. One problem - once there, I had nothing to do. Josie didn't want me to see her, so I just sat in the back by myself while workers prepared the ceremony space.

The ceremony was great - it was performed by Pastor April of The Church of the Ancient Ways. Have to admit that I was slightly disappointed, as I kind of expected her to walk in wearing a hooded robe like a druid. One of the readings was a synopsis of our first few e-mails to each other on match.com (where we met). I'll post it later.

Before the wedding, Josie mentioned a few times how she thought she may cry during the ceremony. I thought my vows (we'd written our own) would assuredly open her tear ducts so I brought tissues with me. They're still in my pocket as she never shed a tear (except when I stepped on her while dancing). I still can't believe that. But, she did look stunning... heck, I almost cried.

The food was ridiculously good (catered by Thomas Preti). Fact is, most people remember one thing from weddings - the food (and if anything embarrassing happened), so we decided to spend our (well, her parents') money there. Funny thing is though everything as awesome, I think just as many people mentioned the hot dogs in jackets as they mentioned the mini-lamb chops, peking duck rolls, butternut squash soup shots (w/toasted cheese on side), etc. Lesson is, no matter what kinda even yer plannin', make sher ya got franks in blankets. I'll bet Obama has 'em at his inauguration. You watch.

First Dance - Just What I Needed by The Cars - We were sposed to take some lessons given our offbeat choice, but we were too busy, so we just winged it. The three and a half minutes felt like about ten, but thankfully, everyone dug our choice and some even joined in (with the DJ's and our prodding).

Speaking of, the DJ was awesome - even the catering staff told me they'd heard a lot of DJ's (obviously) and this dude was one of the best. He said that he was gonna tear the roof off of the place, and he did. By ten o'clock, I was sweatin' like Patrick Ewing in 2002.

The cake was a stack of cupcakes from Sugar Sweet Sunshine. I picked them out myself, so you know they ruled. Josie surprised me with a "Groom's Cake," making my own idea come to life! Yup, a tower of Hostess goodness. Pictures to come.

Since we didn't have any bridal party (it would have been too embarrassing for me - Josie has tons of friends, while I have...nevermind), we had an open mic for toasts - anyone had the opp to sign up and say a few words. I highly recommend inviting a few comics to your wedding for this reason alone. Several people told me how much fun this part was. Of course, none of my friends from back home (or my brother) spoke, so it looked like all my friends are comics I've met in the last few years. Whatever...

Speaking of, though our wedding definitely had a unique quality about it, I don't think any one thing was particularly unique, unless, you've never heard a toast end with, "Umm...well, whatever," before handing the microphone over, as Josie's father's toast ended.

The last song of the wedding was Don't Stop Believing by Journey. If our first dance felt like ten minutes, this felt like twenty. Why? Hearing the first chords brought everyone under forty onto the circumference of the dance floor (Josie's brother ended a conversation he was having with his folks in mid-sentence), where they locked arm-in-arm and swayed to Steve Perry's soaring vocals. Fine... but Josie and I were in the middle. Picture that...what were we sposed to do? Well, we sung, swayed a bit, for all I remember, I may've played air guitar....I really don't know. And I don't really wanna know.

I haven't seen the video yet, but I'm curious to see what our videographer's done. We decided to give a girl out of college her first gig. In her e-mail to me, she assured me that she graduated from the top of her class with a 3.907 GPA, and never got below an A- in any film class. So, yeah, I'm curious (don't get too excited...she left before Journey took the stage).

That's it for now... I hate long posts anyway...Will post anything important I forgot and write a honeymoon recap later, or manana.

Rock On,

Aitch

Last Night Was Historic

Well, it could be, as last night I, Harris Bloom, decided to go to the gym every day. And I started, ummm, last night. that's why it was historic.

What?

Rock On,

Aitch

...And I'm Back

Will write (funny) details tonight or manana (likely) but wedding and honeymoon (I hate that word almost as much as "fiance") were great.

Rock On,

Aitch

Just A Feeling

I am fairly certain that when asked, most of the people at the Cabo Azul resort would say, "I'm voting for McCain...somethng about that Obama guy I jus´don´t trust. It ain´t his color or his name or nutin´like that, I jus´don´t trust him."

Rock On,

Aitch