Literally Speaking

I don't know much about this Gov. Sarah Palin, but I like what I see.

What?

Rock On,

Aitch

I Swear! It Was An Accident!

The invites to the wedding of the century (that would be, umm, mine) have been completed and mailed out. After sealing the envelopes, we realized that we'd forgotten to put postage on three of the response card envelopes.

So three people will be calling us cheap bastards sometime early next week.

Rock On,

Aitch

Who's The New Nipsey Russell?

Josie has a fascination with Nipsey Russell. He's her favorite actor/personality of all-time. Her favorite movie is Wildcats. And it doesn't end there - apparently, her brother is a also a big fan as he invited Nipsey to his wedding (he didn't respond).

ANYWAY, Nipsey has long since departed this mortal coil, so we need another celeb to invite to our wedding. We want it to be someone who we like but also, someone small enough that there's actually a chance he/she may come (also should live in NY area)

I'm thinking Corey Feldman (though I have no idea where he lives) or William Zabka.

Any other suggestions?

Rock On,

Aitch

Whose Mom Is It Anyway?

I hope it's not mine.

Rock On,

Aitch

The Urinal Situation

I dunno what genius designed the urinals at work but they are waaaay too close together. Here's a pic....

If I'm in there and I hear someone else enter the restroom, I move over slightly to make sure he doesn't get any ideas on trying to squeeze in (no one has tried...they use a stall).

btw - Woulda been funny if someone walked in while I was taking this picture. Woulda made the "meeting in the bathroom" experience just that much more awkward.

Rock On,

Aitch

When Your Family Just Ain't Worth The Best

I saw this sign in a Stop & Shop in Jersey...

Rock On,

Aitch

Famous Movie Quote (Changed to Reflect My Current Situation)

"I have come to chew bubblegum and kick ass...but I'm too tired to kick ass, so I'm just gonna sit here and chew bubble...awww, man, I'm out of freakin' bubblegum."

Rock On,

Aitch

I've Been Tagged

So, Sarah tagged me on her blog. It basically means I have to comply or else, umm, prolly nothing since I'm not superstitious. This is exactly why she's gonna be disappointed with my response.

Check her link for the rules, but basically, I gotta list six unspectacular quirks of mine. Problem is, I really don't have many (unspectacular or otherwise). So, to appease the Blogging Gods, I'll do six unspectacular quirks of mine and Josie's....

1 - Josie never sets the alarm for a time that ends in a five or zero (I woke up today at 6:41 AM).

2 - I never shower in a public place - one time, I played racquetball with a high school teacher of time. He went to take a shower after and showed me where they were. I told him I couldn't take one "cause I had a cold." In retrospect, that excuse made no sense as why would it be better to go outside sweaty? Whatevs...

3 - Speaking of showers, Josie has a "drying system." She dries off the exact same way after each shower. Josie has lots of systems actually - I think that's the one thing she's worried about when it comes to our impending nuptials - I am system less.

4 - If I'm on the computer, I check e-mail at least every five minutes. This is especially annoying when I'm trying to write an essay...less so when I'm doing work. I assume that's some form of OCD, but unlike the rest of the world, who seems to love to claim they have OCD, I'll wait till I'm diagnosed...and since I ain't' seeing a doc for it, I'll never be diagnosed. Okay, gotta check e-mail.

5 - When not speaking, Josie is constantly sucking her tongue. Also, when hanging on the couch, she likes to roll items in her hand, like a small balls, made out of Play Doh, when hanging with her niece, or glue, when umm, hanging with me.

6 - Josie claims that I have an odd way of putting on t-shirts. Not sure I can describe this properly but, I turn t-shirt upside down, suspend front of shirt by holding it between my chin and chest, I then "open it up" by waving my arms - I should prolly make a video of it. (She says I "fluff it, shake it, put my head it, then fluff it and shake it")

So there.

rock on,

aitch

I Hope She Wasn't Holding Anything Sharp

Couple of blogs to come later, but got a quickie for now....

Some friends came over Saturday and were regaling us tales from their wedding. Told us that the rabbi, whom they didn't know, tried to learn more about them by asking them to describe their significant other with just one word.

The bride-to-be said, "Lunatic." As funny as that sounds, I know she meant it in an endearing way.

My bud, the groom-to be said, "Not warm."

I'm assuming his answer was followed by the sound of crickets for ten seconds.

Rock On,

Aitch

The Ultimate Dog Lover

So, I've got personal essays in two upcoming books. They are actually both coming out around the same time but since I just got a pic of the book cover of one, I'll plug that one first...



This will include my story of how I obtained my pup Stewie.

"A New York Love Affair" details how I purchased Stew, thinking he was pure-breed, but soon found out otherwise. Even so, I don't feel ripped off at all.

It's basically the feel-good story of the year, if not the decade (which is also "the century.")

Rock On,

Aitch

Who Is That Advice For?

Almost forgot, at this open mic, there is a feedback session after each comic. It is run by a comic who regularly performs at the club, which is new.

After one younger, rather attractive, but very green comic went up, his advice to her was, "More pu**y shaving jokes (she had several of them) and less about your boyfriend. No one wants to hear about him. You'll have the guys in the audience eating out of your hand."

I'm sure this club's gonna last.

btw - After my set, a couple of people asked me if I'm always so angry. I responded, "Nah...just at open mics."

Rock On,

Aitch

That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore (The Smiths)

Last night, Josie and I went to this concert, which featured a Cure cover band and a Smiths cover band.

Fun time though due to our freakin' commute to New Jersey, we didn't stay for the whole show.

I saw a few people wearing t-shirts of the bands. Does that mean they actually love the cover band? There's somethng bizarre about that.

I was also confused when a woman yelled "I love you!" to the Morrissey impersonator (good job, by the way). Does she really love him, or was she so into it that she thought she was at a Smiths concert? Or did she scream it ironically?

Overall, the crowd was kinda subdued. Both bands had to ask us to move forward as the venue wasn't crowded and patrons stuck to the rear and sides (where there were seats). Fake Morrissey threw flowers to the crowd, often times they hit the floor and stayed there. A few times they did hit people, once woman got hit in the eye.

Given the second-rate feel to it, Josie remarked that she wouldn't be surprised to see "Morrissey" cleaning all the flowers off the floor, as per their contract.

Rock On,

Aitch

Still MORE Olympic Coverage

I was watching the equestrian finals today (yes, I lead an exciting life) and couldn't help but wonder who gets the actual medals...the riders (are they called jockeys?), or the horses? The horses do all the work...what do the riders do, besides perhaps yelling "Jump!" at the appropriate time.

The horses are taking all the chances, even taking steroids!

Instead of Gold, Silver and Bronze, I would think they'd give Chocolate, Carrots and Hay (I'll assume every animal loves chocolate...though dunno if they are like dogs and can't eat it).

I think my favorite part was the announcer telling us after one horse knocked over a hurdle, "She barely made it over the last one...that shouda been a warning sign for her."

Yeah, the horses are analyzing their own jumps. I'm sure it was the pressure of the situation.

The American rider was named Beezie Madden and got her first pony as a birthday gift when she was four.

I rooted against her as I hate anyone who had a pony as a child.

Rock On,

Aitch

Mr. High Brow

I was at this open mic last night when one of the comics asked if anyone in the audience knew what "the stranger" is.

I said, "Yeah, it's a book by Albert Camus, dealing with existentialism."
The comic responded, "What? No! Huh? Think lower-brow."

Turns out it has to do with making your hand fall asleep and then masturbating, making it feel like someone else is doing it.

So, I was close.

Rock On,

Aitch

Memo to Self: You're An Idiot

I have my annual physical today at 5. I have no idea why I scheduled it for so late in the day as I can't eat or drink for eight hours before.

Wait...I know why...cause I'm an idiot.

Rock On,

Aitch

Say Wha?!?

After saying, "Good job" to a newer comic last night after his set, he said to me, "Thanks, yeah, I did okay, some jokes went well, some they didn't really like."

I was totally stunned.

A self-aware comic is like finding a vegetarian werewolf.

Rock On,

Aitch

Packing For Idiots

As stated in my last post, Josie and I are livin' La Vida Suburban this week. Here's what I packed, clotheswise, keeping in mind they do have a washer/dryer...

8 T-Shirts
1 Pair of Jeans
3 Pair of Dress Socks
2 Pair of Regular Socks
1 Pair of Dress Pants (do you say "Pair?" - you know what I mean...I brought one)
5 Pair of Underwear
0 Shorts

Conclusion?

I'm an idiot.

Rock On,

Aitch

Par-tay!

Josie and I are spending this week at her parents' house in the NJ suburbs (they are on vacation).

We're totally gonna throw a party and do keg stands.

What? Thanks to my mom, who raised me like a prized calf, I've never been to a crazy house party like the ones in Weird Science or 16 Candles (btw - can you tell what decade I grew up in?)

btw - Weird Science is one movie that couldn't be remade as is - between Lisa making out with one of them (the other kid) and showing in front of them, I'm pretty sure every parents org would be picketing.

Rock On,

Aitch

Overheard On The Train

"I have a doctor appointment today but I'm not going to go."
"Why?"
"I don't feel so good."

Rock On,

Aitch

More Olympic Coverage

Watching some of the swimming tonight - I coulda sworn that pool had a lifeguard.

Man, what a great summer gig.

Rock On,

Aitch

I Need A Ruling

When should you hold a door for someone?

Or, more specifically, how close should they be for you to deem in necessary to hold the door?

I actually find it really annoying when someone holds a door for me when I'm like ten, fifteen feet away. It makes me feel obligated to speed up since I feel bad making them wait.

Yup..I'm easily annoyed.

Rock on,

Aitch

Early Onset Alzheimer's

This morning, I was walking to work when I felt my pockets for my phone. Not there. Felt my shirt pocket. Not there. Hmmm...

Thinking about it, I knew I had it when I left in the morning. I didn't even sit down on the subway, so it couldn't have squirted out. Then, it hit me.

I was on it.

Rock On,

Aitch

Curtains For Us

Josie and I live on the second floor of a high-rise. We're close to the Hudson River, but apparently not close enough as a developer is building a new high rise between us and the West Side Highway. If I owned, I'd be pissed, but I rent, so I don't care...except for one thing.

We don't have curtains. Why? We're lazy and we keep thinking we'll move. Problem is that construction workers are now working from 7-4 weekdays this close to our window...




Now, it's not so bad now as they are still working on ground floor kinda stuff. They only see us if we are standing by our window. The only people who can see us are working the crane...



Point being, within a couple of months, we are going to either buy curtains, or sublease our place for a pretty penny to a family of exhibitionists.

Rock On,

Aitch

Our Taxpayer Money At Work

For those of you not aware, U.S. Congressman Charles Rangel is under fire related to his fundraising, as well as violating rent control laws on property he rented.

His response?

He called for an investigation...of himself.

Rock On,

Aitch

Just Saw This Headline On Yahoo News....

Crime-ridden Arkansas town expands 24-hour curfew

Um, so what are they instituting? A 25-hour curfew?

Rock On,

Aitch

Do You Feel Lucky, Punk?

I noticed on the subway this AM a sign that basically said that assaulting a subway employee is a felony. It added that it's punishable by up to seven years in prison.

Now, I understand the first part, reminding people that assault is a crime. I tend to forget that.

But why do they tell us the possible sentence? Are they letting us do the math in our heads? Perhaps trying to come up with some risk/reward analysis?

I don't think it would be worth it, but I gotta tell ya, sometimes, when the train is sitting there for fifteen minutes in the summer with no a/c and no announcements, seven years seems like a pretty good deal.

Rock On,

Aitch

What Can Possibly Go Wrong?

So, I told Josie I will buy my wedding suit when Barney's has their semi-annual warehouse sale. Said sale starts Thursday (say that five times fast).

Now, I'm telling her I will wait for the last weekend since they mark stuff down even further.

She's looking at me like I just bet our honeymoon vacation money on the French swim team.

Rock On,

Aitch

I Just Got An E-Mail

The subject line was "Be Like Ron Jeremy."

I deleted the message as I assumed it was just an ad for my Alma mater.

Rock On,

Aitch

Stewie vs. The Sheriff of Urine Park (and the NYPD)

Josie and I (somewhat) affectionately refer to the small park next to our apartment as Urine Park. Reason being that's where everyone brings their dog to do their business. During the summer, the smell is so strong that we feel a song -"Downwind At Urine Park" - may be in order (lyrics to come).

My building's super (insert pic of Schneider) is in charge of keeping Urine Park clean. Here he is doing just that this AM...

Due to Stewie's ball-playing proclivities (technically, illegal in Urine Park), The Sheriff and Stewie (ok, I) play a game of cat and mouse (or dog) every morning as I watch for him as I take Stewie off the leash and begin throwing the ball. He's caught me a couple of times, asking me to put Stew back on the leash, that if he let Stew off, he'd have to let all the dogs off. Which is fine...he's doing his job.

A couple of weeks ago, a new wrinkle: Some NYPD traffic cop started parking her little car right outside Urine Park, every friekin' morning. Then, she'd sit in it, and read a newspaper and drink coffee. We had stopped playing there...until this morning.

Before taking Stew out, I was watching The Shawshank Redemption for the thirteen hundredth time, and I couldn't help but think....

Get Busy Livin' Or Get Busy Dyin'

So we went out, ball in hand, and played, right in front of the cop.

And we got a ticket...

just kiddin' - that woulda sucked.

We played...the cop never looked up from her paper, and then you know, we went in. Umm, that's it.

To make this entry worthwhile, here's a blurry pic of Stewie after he got into the laundry...

Rock On,

Aitch

More Like a "Win/Win/Lose"

Okay, so remember how excited I was about this?

Well, I was a lil too excited...finished it in three days.

Rock On,

Aitch

Travel Guide

A lot of people ask me where to stay when visiting New York. I tell them that, if you have the means, I wholeheartedly recommend The W Hotel. Here is a picture...


Rock On,

Aitch

Btw - For my more naive readers, this is a joke...i do not recommend The W Hotel.

Yet More Oympic Coverage!

If he wins his ninety-four gold medals or whatever, I think Michael Phelps will owe Jason Lezak a beer (or two).

I don't get it...NBC is trying its best to get us to watch...telling us how long it is till Phelp's next gold...telling us how awesome we are...trotting out Bob Costas's toupee...etc...and yet, they insist on showing us George Bush every two seconds.

I just saw that a volleyballer lost their wedding band while competing. Why would you wear it if there's a chance of it falling off? Which reminds me, why do the swimmers wear earrings? I mean, all they care about is reducing drag, but apparently not at the risk of not looking their sexiest.

Rock On,

Aitch

Important Olympic Coverage

Since I can see how people find my blog, I know the most important question of the Olympics is...

"Is Bob Costas wearing a toupee?"

Rock On,

Aitch

Continued Olympic Coverage...

So I saw Bob Costas (btw - what's up with his hair? Either he's wearing a wig, or he's dippin' a bit too deep into that Grecian Formula) interviewing the American women fencing team that finished 1,2 and 3. During the interview, they mentioned that they are going to Notre Dame, Duke and Yale.

Prolly a good thing I didn't know that before, or I woulda rooted for the Chinese.

Rock On,

Aitch

Movie Review: The Dark Knight

Dunno if you've heard of this flick, kinda flying under the radar this summer, but I saw The Dark Knight yesterday.

Good flick...lotsa action...

btw -Pay special attention to Heath Ledger - He pays a character known as The Joker. I think he does a fine job.

Rock On,

Aitch

The Olympics

If they really wanted The World to watch, they shoulda shown The Dark Knight at the opening ceremonies.

Speaking of which, I saw it this morning in IMAX (9:30 AM, it was sold-out...unreal) - review coming tomorrow.

Rock On,

Aitch

That'll Teach Her To Be Friendly

I was getting a fruit salad from a cart today...

Me: With everything, bu no bananas.
Lady Behind Me: Are you allergic to bananas?
Me: No.
LBM: Then why don't you want any bananas?
Me: You don't wanna know.
LBM: Oh, I understand.

End of conversation.

Rock On,

Aitch

I Have Discovered Brett Favre's Secret To Success....

I'm thinking it has to do with the bizarre alignment of the fingers on his throwing (right) arm.

Rock On,

Aitch

The Eye of The Beholder

So, as promised, Josie and I saw The Lost Boys 2.

Josie hated it - horrible acting, horrible dialogue...just horrible.

Me? I liked it.

While I can't argue with Josie's points, as they are inarguable, I like B-Movies that kinda suck, as long as they are fun and not boring...and this certainly fit the bill.

Actually, the dialogue and acting were so bad that Corey Feldman's returning role as Edgar Frog seemed different this time around even though he played it the same ultra-serious, hammy way he did in the first one.

The difference was that in this one, everyone was ultra-serious and hammy.

Anyway, it was horrible or fun.

BTW - Saw 28 Weeks Later a few days ago - awesome! May even be better than 28 Days Later, which was awesome too.

Guess I won't be a movie reviewer either.

Rock On,

Aitch

I Hear The Jets Signed Some Old Quarterback

I am a Jets fan.

Having said that, I was kinda dreading the Jets trading for Brett Favre. Why? Because of what is going on in my office this morning....

Mail Dude is also a Jets fan. He's been going around chanting "J! E! T! S! JETS! JETS! JETS! Get your tickets to Tampa!!" (Tampa is where Super Bowl will be)

Best was him telling the importance of this to a college-aged female intern here from Italy.

She was watching him with an expression that said, "How the heck did the U.S. get to be a superpower?"

If I don't post or respond to comments this afternoon, it may be cause I feigned an illness and went home.

Rock On,

Aitch

Where Did I Put That "Meat is Murder" T-Shirt??

On August 20th, I'm actually going to a concert where the co-headliners are The Smiths and The Cure!!!

Okay, just kiddin' (you should know that since Morrissey has stated he'd rather eat his own testicles than reunite - and he's a vegetarian!)

Josie and I are actually going to this....



That's right...a battle of Cure and Smiths cover bands!!

And I couldn't be more excited (My music taste ranges from the early '80's all the way to the late '80's)

Rock On,

Aitch

Talk About A "Win/Win!"

Just went out to buy peanut butter. While perusing the shelf, I came across this:




Out of curiosity, I took a look at the nutritional value...
Fat - 13G
Sat Fat - 2.5G
Sugar - 7 G
Protein - 6G

Then I took a look at Skippy's Peanut Butter nutritional value...

Fat - 17G
Sat Fat - 3.5G
Sugar - 3G
Protein - 7G

Huh?

I feel like my life is beginning all over again.

Rock On,

Aitch

Life Imitating Seinfeld

Remember that scene in Seinfeld when Jerry and George are pitching their sitcom idea about nothing to Russell at NBC?

George says, "It's about nothing!"
Russell responds, "Then why are people watching it?"
George answers, "Cause it's on TV."
"Not yet it isn't."

Well, I think there's a lot of truth to what George said. Every time I see the trailer for Step Brothers, I can't believe how bad the movie must be if the trailer is this bad. Then I see how it brought in like $30MM its opening weekend, exceeded expectations.

I assume that Will Ferrell can star in "Up with Nazis" and it'll open at number one (then again, that does sound pretty funny)

Rock On,

Aitch

All Snarked Out

Maybe I'm getting older but the snarky blogs like deadspin and gawker just don't do it for me anymore.

I stopped reading gawker when they made fun of the GI's killing dogs in Iraq...

I think today may be the end of my deadspin reading days, thanks to this. To me, that's pretty serious stuff and to use a snarky "Big bowl of wrong" to describe it is really wrong.

One less blog on my required reading.

Rock On,

Aitch

Watch The Magic Happen!

I'll be at Gotham Comedy Club on Tuesday, August 19th at 8 PM.

And yes, I will be doing this joke. Sorry David.

Rock On,

Aitch

Happiness is....

getting to the salad bar (aka Bacteria Circus) first....

rock on,

aitch

Sorry I Missed It

So, Josie went to Georgia this weekend for an outdoor wedding. It was 97 degrees outside. If I were there, my skin woulda turned pink.

Anyway, not sure how far off the beaten path this whole shebang took place but when Josie and her folks asked the hotel where they could get dinner, the manager replied, "The VFW."

In addition, this sign hung in the lobby of their hotel.



I wonder why many complaints/raids/arrests were made before this sign went up.

Rock On,

Aitch

Babies

I see that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie made $14MM selling pics of their newborns to one of those celeb mags.

The only way I'm gonna make money having kids is if I name my first born goldenpalace.com. (At least it's gender neutral).

Rock On,

Aitch

As Promised...

Here's my review of the feral swine sausage that I ate over the weekend.

It was really good.

(You can see why I'm not a food reviewer).

Rock On,

Aitch

Think About It

Mom's one of those people who thinks that today's generation doesn't know what real entertainment is...this is coming from someone who grew up listening to ventriloquism on the radio.

rock on,

aitch

The Pressure Is On

A few months ago, Josie and I had a couple over for dinner. Things went well and a month later, we went to their home for dinner.

It was a disaster.

Don't get me wrong, we had a great time, talking, playing games, and dinner. Actually, dinner was the problem. They obviously spent a lot more time and imagination in putting together the menu than we had done. They put us to shame. (Due to my memory issues, I can't remember what made theirs so great...Josie will fill in details in comment section when she gets home).

This Thursday is "Redemption Thursday."

They are coming over again. I've been thinking about what to serve.

Anyone know where I can find a Komodo Dragon?

Rock On,



Aitch

Television Without Pity circa 1974

I was watching a rerun of The Odd Couple, which may be my favorite sit-com of all time, last night. Haven't seen one in a while, but was reminded how lazy the writers were.

How many different ways did Oscar and Felix meet again?

Actually, I looked it up.

It's really bizarre how many big errors they made. I'd love to ask the writers if it was cause they didn't care or cause they were stoned.

Rock On,

Aitch

A Mediocre Post

Thanks to a comment on this post, I thought I'd share my experience on a show I performed on tonight....

Though the crowd was kinda small, the MC, Joanne Filan did a good job in trying to get them going.

The comics did their best, the only one who got a majority of the 12 people laughing was Nick Cobb (at least until I left), a very funny guy. It prolly helped that he did some crowd work to open his set.

I was intent on just doing some newish material ... not really worrying about crowd response (as I'm already committed to it) - just wanted to work on timing. Went okay.

And, there you have it...

Rock On,

Aitch

Final Warning

This is an open letter to all my enemies -

Dear All My Enemies,

This is your last chance. I am going to check out various gyms for their classes in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu next week. I hope to begin classes in two weeks.

One thing - since BJJ is better when fought on the ground, I'd appreciate if you'd accept my invitation to begin our fights on all fours.

Thank you,

Rock On,

Aitch

When The Cat's Away, The Mice Shall Eat Bizarre Foods

So Josie's off to Georgia for an outdoor wedding this weekend (ugh) so I got the place to myself (and Stewie)...You know what that means!!!

That's right! Wild Boar Sausage...made from "feral swine."

Certainly not the oddest thing I've eaten.

By the way, the fact that I'm eating this only when Josie is not around is prolly one of the main reasons why married men live longer than single men.

Food review this weekend!

Rock On,

Aitch

Just Another Day

So new Temp Guy talks to himself...a lot. And he'll do so while punctuating his internal/external thoughts with arm movements. Kinda weird when he's walking around the office but, eh, who cares. Maybe he's a comic rehearsing his latest bit.

Yesterday, the security dude from the lobby came up to talk to my boss. Apparently, Temp Guy paces down there as well while doing the whole talking and waving his arms thing. Visitors entering the building are looking at him strange.

Love to see a tape of that.

Rock On,

Aitch