How Dogs on the Upper West Side Roll

Took this picture at my dog run....




Yup... Sushi and Chardonnay

Upper West Side dogs don't drink Merlot.

UPDATE: Someone called to tell me those are Champagne flutes... figures.

Rock On,

Aitch

Thanks Mom

My grandfather had Factor 11 – which I know sounds like a secret government base in the southwestern desert used for interrogating aliens – but it’s a form of hemophilia.

Although I didn’t have it, whenever I went to a doc with my mom, she’d always feel the need to tell him it’s in our family, and finish it with, “…you do know what that is, right?” The doctor would always look at her with a "Do I look like I finished at the bottom of my class, lady?" look on his face.

To this day, she still brings it up any chance she gets, making sure I remember that it runs in our family.

The other day, while working on my teeth, my dentist noted that it's taking a while because I was bleeding a bit. I had to fight myself not to start screaming, "Oh my God!! It's the Factor 11!!! Run for your lives!!!!"

Rock On,

Aitch

I Just Sat There

Hanging out at my bro's this weekend with the fam, when Josie mentions that she wants me to go kayaking with her in the Hudson.

Mom butts in, "Kayaking?!? Harris? He doesn't need to go kayaking! He can't even swim!"
"They give you life jackets,"Josie explains, "He'll be fine."
"Well, I don't think he should go." After thinking for a second Mom adds, "But it's up to you...see what kind of mother-in-law I am? I just gave you control of him."

Huh?

Rock On,

Aitch

The Blog Of Record

Oddly, the blog of The National Journal picked up my McSweeney's piece here (go to bottom) cause you know, it's so important.

Rock On,

Aitch

Eleventh in a Series

Here's Part 11 of a series I'm writing for reallysmalltalk.com...

There's Nothing Funny About Stand-Up Comedy

Rock On,

Aitch

Ugh

On Sunday, my mom told Josie and I that people who've seen our picture think we look like brother and sister.

We may never have sex again.

Rock On,

Aitch

If you recall, Stewie was recently on The CBS Early Show to test this new dog IQ test.

I have joked that I didn't know if I wanted him to do it for fear that we'll find out that he's smarter than I am.

ha ha, right?

Well...

Last night, I was putting treats into the kong toy for Stewie to get out. A couple I had to jam in there and tried to get them out, figuring Stewie wouldn't be able to. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to. I tried for a few minutes to no avail. Josie said that I should just give it to Stewie anyway...that's the idea...it'll give him something to do.

Two minutes later, he got them out.

Rock On,

Aitch

New Gimmick

Couple of weeks till my three year anniversary doing comedy - before my first show, I was already thinkin' gimmicks.

Well, I've got a new one....

I combine the Penn and Teller gimmick with a ventriloquist act...that's right, I bring a dummy on stage but he doesn't talk.

What?

Rock On,

Aitch

Mom Knows Best

So Josie and I sent out "Save the Date" cards last week. I'll post one manana if I remember.

On Saturday, when we met my mom she said, "I got your postcard. It was really nice! One thing though...I think a lot of people will throw it out cause it looks like junk mail."

We laughed at "mom being mom" though Josie did worry a bit.

I forgot about it.

This morning, my boss told me that he got my card, and threw in, "MY wife almost threw it out...she thought it was junk mail!"

Ack

Rock On,

Aitch

McSweeney's

One of my listststs is online at mcsweeneys.net right over here.

Rock On,

Aitch

What?!? You Don't Say!

They have a firm grasp of the obvious.

The link sends you to an ABC News "story" about how new polls seems to indicate that most Americans are annoyed by their co-workers.

Rock On,

Aitch

I Think I Know Why Some Eat Their Crap

Every time my dog takes a dump, I say, "Good boy!" then I give him a treat, pick up the crap in a special bag, and take a look at it. Then I place it in a basket (much like I place his toys in a basket).

He must think it's some kind of delicacy.

Rock On,

Aitch

Hancock

We were just watching a commercial for Hancock when Josie asked, "What's he supposed to be, like a superhero?"

"Well, he did just throw a whale."

Rock On,

Aitch

Too Tired to Think of Title

Josie and I went to New Jersey Saturday afternoon to spend night in Jersey, as we had a wedding that night and her twin nephews baptisms Sunday morning. We brought Stewie along.

The ceremony was outdoors. It was 89 degrees and humid. You can imagine my mood. Most of the guys didn't take off their jacket. I took mine off right after I realized the ceremony was outdoors.

Wedding was fine...usual wedding....but really didn't know many peeps and I'm not very friendly so we ended up making mental lists of things we wanna (and don't wanna) do at our wedding (should be a fun wedding...even if you don't know us).

Drove back in pouring rain. Actually, Josie drove, as I was frightened.

Got back to parents place only to find that Stewie left a present on their kitchen mat. Took him out anyway in pouring rain.

Slept in second bedroom, the one with no air conditioning. On the bright side, I only slept for six hours.

Did the baptism thingy and then went out to lunch...not nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be considering we had four children under five years old with us.

Took Stewie out for the six-hundreth time while there to make "sure" he didn't crap in their house again. Each time, I had to towel myself off when I got back in due to humidity.

When Josie's bro's family came over, Stewie made a beeline for Josie's niece, like he was Elie Wiesel and she was Mengele. She screamed like I'd never heard. Got him and held him on his leash for rest of time there.

We got home, and even after taking nap and sleeping all night, we both still woke up tired.

For lunch, my department is taking me out to a steakhouse to celebrate my engagement. If I don't respond to any comments this afternoon, it's prolly cause I'm asleep at my desk.

Rock On,

Aitch

Let's Call It A Wash

Going to a buds wedding Saturday night. I have no idea what the customary monetary gift is these days, but I have a better idea.

Why can't I just give him a symbolic one dollar bill, since whatever I give him, he's just gonna give it back to me in a few months?

What?

Rock on,

Aitch

The Opposite of Marcus Giles

One of my friends must've spent yesterday catching up on my blog. He called me to say....

"Josh Homer is black?!?"

Rock On,

Aitch

The Importance of Cake

Josie and I went to our first caterer food tasting yesterday. Though it's always fun to eat good stuff (or bad stuff, for that matter), I couldn't help but feel anxious the entire time as the caterers were expecting comments.

When we had a moment alone, I asked Josie, "What am I sposed to say, that the zucchini fritters could've used more more salt and perhaps a dash of cumin?"
"Just tell them what you liked and what you didn't."

So when Venetia asked about the lamb with the pomegranate sauce, I said, "Yeah, that was good."
When she asked about the salmon with the maple glaze, I responded, "Umm, yeah, good."
When she asked about the duck with some sorta salsa, I replied, "Yeah, that was, umm, good."

If they had any more food, I was thinking of switching it up by rubbing my belly with one hand and giving a thumbs up with the other.

She did give us one warning, which was my favorite part of the evening - a cautionary tale of a bride who wanted to save money on the cake and ended up buying one from a Puerto Rican bakery*. It cost like 140 bucks and was for 200 people (so ya know something was wrong).

ANYWAY, long story short, the caterers spent part of the wedding picking dead flies and hair from the cake. Awesome.

Rock On,

Aitch

* She specifically said "Puerto Rican bakery" - I wonder how she knew the bakery was "Puerto Rican?" Did the bride actually tell her that..."Yeah, I got it at some Puerto Rican bakery" - or maybe I misheard her and the name of the place is "Puerto Rican Bakery."

Either way, dead flies and hair - sounds like the name of a punk band

Exactly What Kind Of Research Are They Doing?

According to this story, 16,500 condoms were just delivered to a U.S. research base in Antarctica, to coincide with the onset of the dark months of winter.

It also says there are 125 people on the base. That's 132 condoms per person.

Assuming you only need one condom for every two people when they wanna get it on, that's 264 condoms per person per year.

That's some exhausting research they're doing.

Rock On,

Aitch

Overrated

The dude who sits next to me at work said that I should play video games cause it'll increase my hand-eye coordination.
I responded, "Tell you what...next time I find myself running up a scaffolding while jumping over barrel being tossed at me by a giant gorilla, i'll call you before I call the police.

Rock On,

Aitch

OMG!!!

I just saw some headline claiming that Jessica Alba has given birth to a girl.

It never ceases to amaze me that anyone would care, apart from her friends and family.

The only way I would care is if she gave birth to a monkey. Now, that's an US Weekly that I may buy.

Rock On,

Aitch

Too Casual Friday

Josie told me the outfit I wore to work looked a bit sloppy. I guess I agree, especially given that I didn't feel the need to change before going with Stewie to the dog run.

Rock On,

Aitch

Thanks Again, Mom

I made the mistake the other day of telling my mom one of my new jokes.

After a few seconds of silence, she says, “So which part was supposed to be funny?”
"The last part.”
“And the audiences laugh at that?”
“Usually.”

Rock On,

Aitch

Josh Homer on Live at Gotham

Buddy and overall bon vivant , Josh Homer, in his TV debut...



See the whole thing on Comedy Central on June 20th

Rock On,

Aitch

Is That Even On The Menu?

We're trying to have the wedding rehearsal dinner (is that what it's called?) at Carmine's.

Whenever I think of Carmine's, I think of this time I went there with a friend of mine and a few of his friends. One of them is one one of those guys who always has to show how cool, smart, and in-the-know he is - we all know one of them (Living in NY, I know several)

ANYWAY, while waiting for our table, he said, "There's one dish we have to get here."

We all leaned in.

He continued, "Seriously, they make the best.... Chicken Parmigiana."

Rock On,

Aitch

My Illness Sounds Like A Plant-Eating Dinosaur

You ever have a pain in your side for two months, assume you have kidney cancer but it ends up being diverticulitis?

I must admit, it's been fun making Josie swear she'll never marry again. (She refused to swear she'll never date again - can you believe that?!?)

UPDATE: Upon reading this blog entry, a friend said she thought that diverticulitis was just for "fat, old people."

Awesome...

Rock On,

Aitch

Wall Street Week with Crazy Man

I used to do a joke about this homeless dude near me whose rants alternated between the bizarre ("There are aliens living amongst us!") to the thoughtful ("Why aren't there pedestrian traffic signals on Park Avenue between 45th and 57th Streets?")

(To be honest, the joke wasn't true - he didn't rant about aliens.)

This morning, on my subway downtown, there was this lunatic with a West Indian accent pontificating on the War, The Bible, etc. But he wasn't any ordinary nutjob.

He discussed how the drop in the dollar was going to eventually make the EU the dominant global player...how the U.S. was in the process of ______, some word that he said was Greek, meaning "falling down"... and even how we shouldn't eat bagels when we get to work because they are empty calories.

For a while, I even paused my game of Tetris to listen. Then, he spoke about how TV is rotting our brains and we should be interacting more with others. That's when I decided he was just another lunatic and went back to my game of Tetris.

Rock On,

Aitch